My Entirely Exciting Day!

Warning: Extremely boring and uneventful drivel. Don't be fooled by the tricksy title.

This must have been the most eventful day of my holidays thus far (not much left anyway). As per-SOP (military jargon roughly meaning Same fuckin' Old Procedure) I woke up slightly pass noon, presumably about an hour after I distinctly heard a message tone from my phone and swiftly dismissed it. When I finally got round to reading it, it was Leon! Which is odd because Leon doesn't normally message me unprovoked. In fact he hardly even messages me provoked (read: he doesn't reply my messages).

He asked me if I was up for lunch with him and Jianyuan who was back from Berkeley. Which was kinda tough, since I was barely even 'up' to begin with. But considering the mindless droning I would be doing at home should I not go out, I decided to haul myself out of my indolence and get ready for the 1.30 meeting time that I'll so miss.

Leon asked me where I wanted to eat. I thought of Jack's Place and their inch-thick steaks and presumed Leon would be hungry too. Then again, steaks were probably the last thing that someone who just got back from Berkeley would want to eat. So I suggested to Leon that perhaps, just perhaps, we should let Jianyuan decide instead.

Got there at about 1.45 pm. Nice to see an old friend again. We all bought our food and sat down to eat. Mental note to self: Do not eat at Suntec City Food Court again. Food sucks. At least I manage to finally get me fill of Yami Frozen Yoghurt there. Following lunch, since Jianyuan just got back, we decided that we would get him reacquainted with 'Singapore life'. So we went to Carrefour. It was inexplicably closed. There can only be two reasons: a dead body must have been found in the frozen meat section ala C.S.I. or they ran out of stock. Ok who am I kidding, Carrefour run out of stock (roll eyes: Isn't it cute when I insert emoticons that are word-based? Ok now follow the instructions and roll! Ok maybe not). Heh. Yeah, someone must have been found in the meat grinder.

Along our way there and back (disappointed because the police won't let us take pictures of the mince meat), I met Mrs Tan my Econs teacher! She's still the same. Still nonchalant and ever so friendly and nice. I even told her about the time she called my phone, presumably by accident, and I could hear her voice yelling something at her children alternating with screams of horror. Odd that she then told me not to say anything about what I had heard to the police. Nor to Carrefour. Econs teachers nowadays. So secretive. Tsk.

Following that little sojourn, I insisted that we go to Bata because I need some new shoes and I'm a cheapskate. After antagonizing various Malay sales staffers (Storefront sales people are now all Malay for some reason you know [Topshop, Espirit, Bata etc]. I think it's mainly due to the fact that the Chinese ones suck and Indians don't do retail) for about 30 minutes, I proceeded to 'splurge' (if you can ever use the term 'splurge' in Bata) my last remaining money on a pair of blue sneakers from some obscure Made-in-Chinese-Sweatshop 'German' brand.

We then made our way back to Cityhall because Leon had to meet some other friends and I had to go to my dreaded Web Design lesson at some god-forsaken un-airconditioned and humid Community Center room soon. I sort of didn't want to go. One, because I was supposed to have a class-reunion with my JC mates at about the same time; and two, because my mascara melts under heat and humidity (Just joking lah, I don't wear mascara! Only rougue. From M.A.C). But not wanting to be a deceitful and conniving no-show, I eventually relented to my conscience, Lucy.

On our way back to the MeRt, we got tired and thirsty and decided that I shall buy an outrageously over-priced can of Pokka Peach Tea (Goodness, it was $1.80! For that kind of money I'd expect it to come with some vodka, and an exotic latin stripper). Leon's friends arrived and one of them was none other than Paul Tan. Still thinks he should get a better picture for his column at Fridae. Anyway we soon parted ways and I travelled to Toa Payoh.

Met Ruiying, JP, Sheena, Shi'dodo'Quan at the station and we proceeded to the CC. By the grace of Yahweh, the aircon in the room was working! And the lesson was actually interesting! My creative juices were flowing (A rather disturbing expression don't you think? Refer to Dec 14 entry), so I decided that I would make this website!

After the lesson, at about ten, I decided that I shall be spontaneous and go for my class-reunion as well! I got back to Cityhall and walked to the Esplanade where they were. Though quite some have left or otherwise left shortly after I arrived (why har?), we still managed to have some fun playing mindless games and listening to Lye Geak's incessant humorous verbal excretions. It was about 11.30 pm by the time that ended when we ran for the last train, which by the grace of Yahweh again was slightly late.

Hence ends my exciting day. Are you excited?

PS: How can I forget the smses with R? Of course I haven't. Hee.

Kung Fu Hustle: Dumb yet so fuckin' amusing!

Watched Kung Fu Hustle with Glen and Huiru today. In summary, it's a helluva moronic show. But oddly enough an entirely hilarious and gratifying one. Not to mention the rather cool cgi effects they had going (Matrix Reloaded/Revolutions, sheesh).

Here is a sampling of two characters in the movie that I enjoyed most, and two cool instances.

The first character was by far none other than Ass Crack Boy! I was hoping at first that he would have some special power (noxious qi4 gong1 anyone?) besides his ability to inexplicably expose his ass crack in every single bloody situation. But alas, I'm nonetheless content with the fact that he was just an ordinary butt-bearing hair-cutting average joe with a face to match.

The other character would have to be the Siren Landlady! The loudspeaker scene was hilarious and so totally unexpected. Not to mention her earlier qian4 bian3 face complete with alternating fags and multi-coloured hair curlers.

One of the scenes that was really cool was the gu3 zhen1 fight. The effects were so Pirates of the Carribean, yet so much cooler. And the gu3 zhen1 thing was so Hero. Heh. Quite a lot of sly jibes methinks: Spiderman, the Matrix, Pirates of the Carribean, Kill Bill, Hero, old Westerns, and sadly enough Looney Tunes.

The other scene would have to be the opening credits with the Axe Gang Boss dancing for no apparent reason. It builds up to his whole ala 'Agent Smith' clad posse in 20's Swing Bliss. If only Line Dancing Lessons were so mod, cool and inane, all at the same time. I'd gladly join.

All in all a really watchable movie. I give it my highest rating:

"Worth the $8.50 on a Thursday night!"

(although we caught it on a monday)
PS: Hmm... how do i grow stubble? Nice!

Twelve STI's of Christmas

A Christmas Greeting to all friends and readers! It's hilarious and very informative actually.

Playing with our Twangers and Balls

This is rolling on the floor, herniated laughing funny. I cried the first time I saw it.

"I like my Lemonade hand-squeezed and foot-stirred thank you."

Walked by Auntie Anne's Pretzels at Taka today. Just noticed that they have a sign that says their Lemon Juice is

Freshly Hand-squeezed

My initial reaction was: Wow that's nice. Yum. Well worth the $2 odd i'm paying for this wonderful hand-squeezed juice.

My next reaction was: Hand-squeezed? Hmm... is that really a good thing? Does it make a difference whether a hand or a machine squeezed the lemon? Hey! What exactly makes that difference?

Gets you thinking doesn't it? 'Hmm... do I really want someone to be in such intimate contact with the juice that I'm going to ingest? Did they cut their nails? Did they wash their hands? I sure hope Auntie Anne didn't do anything else with her hands before she squeezed those lemons of mine...'

Which brings me to the point why those pesky slimming pill ads that play so very often [too often] on TV nowadays keep impressing on us that their products are 'Au Naturale'. Arsenic is 'Au Naturale' too but it won't curtail my appetite will it? [on second thought, it just might]

We don't hear Fann Wong saying: "After I take Arseaway, the pounds just melt away like butter, especially when the diarrhoea sets in and the gangrene causes my legs to fall off." [then again, we just might]

Which brings me to the point that you shouldn't use the phrase "melts away like butter" in a slimming ad.

Are you Unacceptably Ugly?

From the Satirical Times:

National Countdown 2005: The party organized for the Unacceptably Ugly banned!
Police rejects licence, saying event is likely to be a party for the Unacceptably Ugly and is against public interest

A Countdown party, organized for the past two years by local subsidiary of a Singapore-based media company consisting of Unacceptably Ugly artistes, has had its licence application for this year's party turned down.

Police rejected the application for the National Countdown 2005 outdoor party, which was to be held at the Sentosa island resort over the New Year's Day weekend, saying 'the event is likely to be organised as an Unacceptably Ugly people's party which is contrary to public interest'.

The application was put up by Mediacock, the same company that organised the Starry Awards in December.

In a statement to the media, the police said they had approved events such as the Starry Awards after receiving assurance that the events would not be 'organised with only Unacceptably Ugly artistes involved'.

However, they said they noticed Unacceptably Ugly 'seen openly kissing and intimately touching each other' during the Starry Awards.

The police also said some Unacceptably Ugly artistes were using toilets meant for the Good Looking, 'suggesting that most of the patrons were probably Unacceptably Ugly and that the event was almost exclusively for them'.

These 'open acts' of Unacceptably Ugliness at the Starry Awards also provoked several complaints from other patrons.

Miss See Beh Heow who attended the award ceremony said: "I understand that these people are unfortunately born freaking ugly. I don't discriminate against them. But they shouldn't be allowed to show their fugly faces mah. Scary one you know."

Said the police: "The police recognize that there are some Singaporeans that are just Unacceptably Ugly. While the police do not discriminate against Unacceptably Ugly people on this basis, we recognise that Singapore is still, by and large, a conservative and traditional society that judges people based on appearances. Besides, since we are going to build conservative and traditional casinos soon, we really don't need the Unacceptably Ugly dollar anymore."

They have promised to scrutinise applications for any similar events in the future.

PS: A little article that was inspired by a particular email from a particular Kenny.

Singapore to be declared African Church-state to curb AIDS SCOURGE!

From our dear ST Forum again, Dec 4, 2004

'Zero grazing' kept HIV in check in Uganda

I REFER to the letters by Mr Harvey Neo and Mr Eugene Tan (ST, Dec 1) on the use of condoms to prevent HIV infection. Mr Neo had selectively taken data to create the impression that condom use is the main reason for the decline of HIV infection in Uganda.

However, if one was to study reports by reputable agencies like USAid, UNAids, the World Health Organisation, Uganda government and numerous independent studies published in reputable journals, despite different approaches, the reports agree on a central fact: Abstinence and reduction in the number of sexual partners, not condoms, were the most important behavioural changes linked to the HIV decline in Uganda.

Based on research data collected over the past decade, several lessons can be drawn from the success of Uganda's strategy:

High-risk sexual behaviours can be discouraged and replaced by healthier lifestyles.

Abstinence and marital fidelity appear to be the most important factors in preventing the spread of HIV/Aids.

Condoms do not play a primary role in reducing HIV transmission.

The most significant changes in Uganda involved high-risk sexual behaviours. One data set shows dramatic declines in the number of people engaging with multiple partners. Only 21 per cent of Ugandan males reported having more than one partner in 1995, down from 41 per cent in 1989. Among females only 9 per cent reported multiple partners.

Ugandans embraced what they call 'zero grazing', meaning being faithful to one partner, typically in a marriage relationship.

Contrary to the assumptions of public-health officials who believed that young people cannot control themselves because of their raging hormones, Uganda's emphasis on abstinence and fidelity resonated strongly with the youths.

The effect was to create what researchers call a 'social vaccine' against Aids, a set of cultural values that encouraged more responsible sexual attitudes and behaviours.

A meta-analysis published in the Crochane Review suggests that, even when condoms are used consistently, their effectiveness is only about 80 per cent. A draft report for UNAids puts the failure rate of condoms at about 10 per cent.

It would be highly irresponsible for health-care workers to promote use of the condom with its significant failure rate, rather than abstinence and fidelity which are the only 100-per-cent way of preventing Aids.

An UNAids report says: 'There are no definite examples yet of generalised epidemics that have been turned back by prevention programmes based primarily on condom promotion.'

This would help explain why countries with the highest levels of condom availability - Zimbabwe, Botswana, South Africa and Kenya - still have the world's highest prevalence rates.

Finally, it is interesting to note that participation in Uganda's Aids campaign by faith-based organisations (FBOs) across Christian, Muslim and Jewish traditions appears to have been a crucial part of the effort's success.

FBOs were involved from the beginning of the national response and were considered adept at promoting abstinence and faithfulness.

Dr Lee Hew Mun

Dr Lee Hew Mun doesn't care whether you contract HIV or not. She's only worried that you might fuck too many people and smear the sacred creation of GOD that is the human body. Which is why instead of the condom, I suggest the promotion of the handy and absolutely fool-proof chastity-belt instead.

Available in various colours and flavours, it can be secured with either an industrial-strength ABLOY lock or a combination mechanism. Besides preventing unfortunate accidental extra-marital copulations that will probably lead to HIV INFECTION FOR SURE, these marvellous devices also prevent the unholy act of ONANISM, better known as: 'Polishing the knob' or 'Beating the bishop'; and for those without appendages: 'Buffin' the muffin' or 'Feeding the beaver'.

What more can you ask from this multi-function harness in both male and female versions? Not only is it a wonderful prophylactic, if worn atop of your clothes, in can also be an incredible fashion statement! SO DON"T MISS THIS GREAT OFFER. I urge you to get your own fitted belt NOW!

Ok enough of product placement. What is this big UGANDIAN debate about anyway? So what if the 'Zero Grazing' campaign worked in Uganda. Last I checked we are not a largely pastoral, sub-Saharan African republic.

Besides, the reason why it had worked there is chiefly because Uganda had no concept of monogomy at all in the first place before the advent of Judeo-Christian faiths. Hence, when fierce proselytizing ensued, obviously the amount of transmissions is stemmed since monogamy is now actually practiced in any significant portion of the population. Whereas the situation in Singapore is quite disimilar. Most people already understand the precept of monogamy, even the small minority that are so-termed 'loose'. What they may not know is how imperative it is to don a ribbed-rubber as they do their so-termed 'grazing'. These are the buttheads that make up the significant part of the HIV infected people each year, which is the reason safer-sex education is so important. These guys aren't going to go back to their wives just because you give them a few pamphlets and 'educate' them about it. But they may just put on that condom if they know how effective it can be, or rather how dangerous intercourse can be without it.

And Dr Lee, faith in your GOD is not going to protect you from your husband who just might bring some unwholesome viruses back from Batam. Neither will faith in your husband for that matter. Nothing beats a good old Chastity-belt.

Revenge of the pox

Two words: Karmic retribution.

For all the evil things I've ever said about the government, God, the church, strangers, the neanderthal president in America and my friends on this site, a little thing called karma has finally came full circle, bit me on the ass, and gave me chicken pox.

Yup, you would think after becoming 21 and surviving 2.5 years of NS you are somehow sort of absolved from getting that bout of pre-pubescent chicken pox, but sadly enough not so. So here I am at home, when my exams are finally over, lying on my bed like a pus-filled raisin bun, watching 'Days of Our Lives' uninhibitedly. What glee.

Hmmm....I do feel like a raisin bun now. As in like having one... to eat. So long then.