"Ok the wheel has stopped. It's at 'right hand on left breast'... 'right hand on left breast'..."

A certain NTU sports camp committee has just decided that good old games like Twister(TM) and Monopoly(TM) are too fuddy-duddy for new-age undergraduate sluts. Nowadays, games like "Pass the used-condom" and "Pin the dildo in the orifice" are becoming de riguer in tertiary institutions all over the island, a trend pioneered by substantial NTU students.

In fact, to be in keeping with the NTU message of "More Substance, Less Style", choice alcoholic cocktails like "Sex on the beach" and "My 'ho is sweeter than your 'ho" will be served free-flow to the fortunate freshmen class of 2004 during their orientation.

NUS, not wanting to be left without such a carnal environment for learning, has sought MOE approval to admit students based on bust sizes for the current intake earlier this year. 'Daniel is obviously bored again to be hanging around THIS shithole' has been told that this year's intake had a cut-off point of "a lower 'C' bordering on a 'B' cup". Also new this year, is the allowance of other attributes relating to sexual performance to be considered in the selection process.

One foreign student Meena Che Trois, from France, for example, pointed to her rare ability to retain water in usually humanly impossibe ways as a differentiating factor during her selection interview.

She said,"I not only take in water, no!? I also shoot it veli veli far." Apparently, she has also used her plans to set up a Patpong Trade Association Club in NUS as leverage for her bid to gain a place in the Law faculty.

However, Singapore's third university SMU, being deviant and all, has decided to embark on a boring series of community service initiatives to bring its freshmen together instead.

My 'Friends of VSA' Friends

Here're some of the pictures of the people I'd been spending my time with for the past two weeks - the reason I had been neglecting my blog. What a bunch of cool new people/monsters/tomatoes!


From left to right: Row 1, Mei"I just need to get another 15 exemptions to complete my degree in 1 year"Yun, Kit"No you can't get 15 exemptions"Yin, doll-faced pole-waisted Elyse, Zhi"5 dollars 5 dollars, argh!!!"Qi, Jia"Die Munchi Monster! Die!"Min, Ron"I'm just here walking about, who are these people anyway?"Frank, Cherylene"Zhi Qi, it's mahjong money or alimony. Choose!"Lin, archetypal good guy Ben, and bad hair day me. Row 2, deadpan "girls are not suppose to do this, you know?" Philip, Yi"Daniel, your hair sucks!"Shan, sexual preference not very ambiguous Zack, "I have the biggest earrings in the world, muah ha ha" "Na Na" Elena, "I'm so sweet and red, when I explode you'll get tomato juice" Celeste, and usually can't be around "I want to be around also(pout)" Angie.


Not in the previous picture on the left is the MUNCHIE MONSTER! Here you can see she's abducted our two lovely facilitators and is going turn them into big ripe tomatoes! Well, Celeste anyway.

 
In the center in red: Our dearie Annette who drew us the warm and fuzzy "I Love You Guys" poster and who needs to sing the national anthem every day.


The "Psss..." World Championships. The last person on the right is "I'm going to be the president of SMUM (SMU Minesweeper club)" Joy. She taught me MSN Minesweeper, now she's regreting it.


Beckham attacking the buffet table. No wonder he can't get balls in.


A friendly game of "Old Eagle Catch Small Chicks". Notice how the last chick doesn't seem to be very informed of the game plan.

Now, I shall give out some totally meaningless, bearing of absolutely no monetary value or whatsoever, awards to my dear new friends:

1. Favouritest Tomato award goes to Celeste!
   
2. Favouritest Monster award goes to the MUNCHIE MONSTER!
   
3. So-much-machismo-I-could-kiss-a-guy award goes to Mr Cherylene! (you know who you are lah hor)
   
4. And last but not least, Unfavouritest person with faux accent award goes to GQ!

Hmm... these pictures are all so warm and fuzzy, if only I have a GQ picture to bitch about. I'm so evil! Muah ha ha ha!

NBS grads may dress idiotically, but they have a lot of meat!

A rather angsty article about the Nanyang Business School Convocation in yesterday's ST:

"NTU grads may lack style but not substance"
Business school dean, noting that SMU students may have better presentation, says NTU grads have their strengths too


NANYANG Technological University (NTU) students, 'may not be so sharply dressed', noted its business school dean yesterday, but 'the test of the pudding is in the eating'.

The Nanyang Business School's Professor Hong Hai said he 'can sympathise' with assessments that Singapore Management University (SMU) students 'are more articulate, better dressed and carry themselves well'.

They 'do look like the smartly dressed McDonald's kids who prance about on SMU posters', he said - referring to ads of SMU students photographed by fashion lensman Russel Wong in such poses as jumping off a chair or doing a handstand.

But Prof Hong, at the school's convocation ceremony, pointed out that hundreds of graduates from NTU held important jobs in government, business and industry. They weighed in heavily, according to him, on the list of partners in leading accountancy firms, or the list of financial managers and financial controllers in Singapore's largest companies.

Further, NTU has for the last two years beaten 'all the business schools in Singapore' in vying for the L'Oreal Marketing Award. The team even clinched top prize at the world level last year, and were runners-up this year.

Prof Hong's speech was entitled Comparing Schools: Style Or Substance? He had said the graduating students would want to know how the business school stood, referring to 'some amount of public perception, largely engendered by the press', regarding SMU students.

But while training that emphasises presentation skills may account for SMU's strength on that score, he invoked his 25 years in the corporate sector - 'most of which were in chief executive positions' - in saying he had 'seen my share of good presenters who lack substance'.

He even quipped that he could think of 'at least one country in the Asean region that has an unusual share of good talkers and presenters' but whose economy 'never seems to move'.

NTU undergraduates, he said, were quite balanced. Some spoke well, others are good thinkers but may not be so sharply dressed.

Prof Hong also cited an article in The Straits Times, in which columnist Alvin Pang said 'as a prospective employer he would look at an SMU graduate first'.

The IT professional said SMU graduates' had a 'reputation for being articulate, confident, out-of-the-box thinkers - and it's not just marketing hype about being 'different' '.

Mr Pang also praised the attentiveness and open-mindedness of the average SMU student, whom he felt demonstrated a refreshing knack of engaging with the topic at hand even on material as diverse as Greek tragedy, Filipino erotic literature and blues music.

SMU students had to take electives in subjects ranging from creative thinking or politics, he said; a recent SMU-organised accountancy conference had 'cultural performances, poetry readings, even a creative writing workshop'.

Prof Hong noted yesterday that the test scores of local undergraduates did not differ much among the universities. But the school's 4,000 students were served by a 180-strong faculty, mostly PhD holders, he said.

'I would not claim that on average they were better or worse than those in National University of Singapore or SMU, but the fact that we have a much larger number means that our faculty resources are much deeper.'

That said, he did promise that 'better marketing of our products and our graduates is high on Nanyang Business School's priority list'.

I find that NBS has just dug a marketing grave for itself (ironic isn't it, considering that it's a business school). It has essentially admitted (veracity notwithstanding) that:

• YES, our graduates dress idiotically;
• YES, we suck at presentations;
• YES, we are not as savvy;
• BUT, we have more substance!

Let's play: 'Who can spot the logical leap?'

NBS should market their own successes instead, and showcase their own 'differentiable qualities'. They are after all the established school. For them to risk igniting a mud-slinging contest with SMU just suggests to the public that they are somehow lacking in some way.

I shan't hazard a guess as to which system of education is better, but as a layperson reading the papers, I would find that it reflects poorly on NBS for it to feel the need to compare itself with the pre-pubescent SMU as though SMU is some kind of established benchmark.

And as a SMU student reading the article, I would smirk at the notion that in this corporate world, substance is more important than presentation. That comparison itself is a misnomer:

Presentation is the substance.

Arhhh! It's the crazy foaming-at-the-mouth CCP Woman! Run for your lives!

No, she's not one of the many chinese whores roaming the streets now. She's much worse. She can reduce our in-coming Prime Minister to an average illegal immigrant, to a poor unwelcomed hooker boy peddling his limited wares on the streets of a foreign land.

She's the...

Chinese Foreign Ministry Spokesman!!!

arhhh!!!

(note: it's 'spokesman', not 'spokeswoman' or 'spokesperson' according to the Straits Times, come to think of it, she does look like a man)

Perhaps Sinapore's official retort should be that we will unconditionally butt out of their affairs and retrieve our poor peddler boy from Taiwan as long as they remove their gungho incorporated prostitutes from our streets. Quite reasonable don't you think? Just a little quid pro quo really.

Maybe when LKY mentioned that we need to be bi-cultural to do business well in China, what he really meant was that we need to be both enterprising streetsmart prostitutes and assinine cut-throat bureaucrats with real lousy female disguises all at the same time! I could do that! I already am most of those things, I'd just need to find my halloween costume...

Procreation not allowed in library...

Read this letter in the ST Forum pages today. Seriously disturbed at why people are disturbed about there being a rule of 'no food' (and hence similarly 'no feeding') in libraries. Kind of reminds me of the sad breastfeeding debacle wherein some people simply do not understand the simple threshold between individual privacy and sovereignty, and communal utility. Therefore, I came up with my own little parody of the letter. On hindsight, I regret that perhaps it may not be beyond my dear Singaporeans to come up with the satirical letter themselves (sadly, without the satire).

Original Letter from ST Forum, 05 July:

Bottle feeding not allowed in library

HOPING to instil a love of books and reading in my 20-month-old toddler, I went to the West Mall community library in Bukit Batok on June 28 to select a few books. I have been doing this regularly since my baby was born.

When it was feeding time for my toddler, I took out the bottle and was about to feed her when a librarian approached me. She signalled to me I was not allowed to feed my baby in the library and asked me to go outside to do so.

I gathered up the baby gear I had brought with me, repacked the baby bag and left the library to feed my toddler. However, public seats were hard to find and, to make matters worse, there is no nursing room in West Mall.

My question to library management is how it plans to encourage families to go to the library and spend 'quality reading and bonding' time with their children when simple baby feeding is not allowed.

I hope to hear from the National Library Board as I am sure this concerns other parents as well.

LISA KOH JIN KIAT (MRS)

My parodied version of the letter:

Procreation not allowed in library

HOPING to have our own child, in response to the Government’s call for couples to procreate, my wife and I went to the West Mall community library in Bukit Batok on June 28 to select a few books on various mating positions. We have been doing this regularly since we got married.

When we decided to try some of the positions, I took out my p*nis and was about to enter my wife when a librarian approached us. She signalled to me I was not allowed to penetrate my wife in the library and asked me to go outside to do so.

We gathered up ourselves and the sex toys we had brought with us, repacked the swinging harness and left the library to copulate. However, public seats were hard to find and, to make matters worse, there is no skankily decorated motel room in West Mall.

My question to library management is how it plans to encourage families to go to the library and spend ‘quality reading and bonding’ time with their spouses when simple consummation is not allowed.

I hope to hear from the National Library Board as I am sure this concerns other couples trying to procreate as well.

ARTHUR SEE BEH SONG

All bow to our new Protector: The Entrepreneurial Chinese Whore

Was watching the CTV-Medicorp Variety Concert (you know, the joint concert between the China and Singapore broadcasters?) just now when I came to a sudden enlightened realisation:

Some rather dynamic (to use the term loosely) Chinese women are whoring themselves in Singapore now aren't they? Likewise, the Singapore government has been whoring us to the Chinese government ever since the Suzhou Industrial Park debacle. A perfect social parallel, or rather parody.

It's sad really. The current national catch-phrase, 'Bi-culturalism', gives me (and the world I think, sadly enough) the impression that our ultimate goal is to become a double wrapped cultural banana. A sort of DQ special I think.

Why is it that the Singapore government feels that we need to whore ourselves to do business in China. The Americans don't do that. The Japanese are renown protectionists who rather die than learn another country's language. And the Hong Kong and Taiwanese people are actually trying to distance themselves politically. Why then are we making ourselves to be so cheap that we have to politically and culturally align ourselves to them?

I have an inkling from all this that the thing that'll give our dear LKY the ultimate final orgasm before he dies is if China decides to claim that we belong to them as well (like they do with several quasi-sovereignties, I think very soon they'll try to claim Australia). That's something that I think would really float his boat, considering his unabashed self-whoring of 'Bi-culturalism' to sell ourselves to them.

It's really becoming increasingly more difficult to be a dignified Singaporean, what with the already prevalent self-degradation of our own brand of culture, in favour of the glorification of the cultures of THE FOUR GREAT RACES (I've never quite understood what's the fourth one), which are seriously so far removed that they are hardly pertinently practiced anymore (unless you count prancing around in glittery cheong sams during NDP to be 'practicing the culture').

Is this all really necessary? Don't we just want to do business there? There is really no need to whore ourselves to that extent right? How much of the Chinese market can we swallow anyway? Don't we all already know that it's always safer to spit?

Oh yeah, and another less enlightened (and even sadder) realization is that the show is VERY VERY VERY taped. As in the singing... VERY VERY LIP-SYNCED. And the emceeing... VERY VERY CONTRIVED. And the show... VERY VERY BAD.