OKAY! I'm in position for HARVESTING now!

Got this letter in the mail the day before matriculation. The amount of sexual innuendo in this letter cracked me up everytime I read it. But a word of caution, this highfalutin letter is written with no less than 15 counts of the word 'lead' and its variations. Definitely some puke-worthy self-promotion shit!

The Letter

Danielboy's thought process

Dear Fellow Student, What if there was a camp that, unlike normal camps, will focus on leadership skills that you can apply to everyday life? What if such a camp was offered to you at a subsidised price, and would offer you practical insight on: • Being a peer leader – how to get the attention and respect from someone one, two, or even three years older than you. • Take-home tips on leadership tracking - what it means to be a leader, and how to know you’re on track. And what if, on top of all these, I told you that this camp would be your gateway to a position of leadership at the peak amongst your peers, and would give you the chance to serve your fellow students in ways you dreamt about but your teachers-in-charge never approved of? Before I tell you more about this, let me congratulate you. It will be very soon when you finally officially become matriculated students of SMU. With this, you join not only a university that is going to become a leader in the region, but also, you automatically get the privilege of becoming a member of the Students’ Association (SA). Just what is the SA? It is the represent active body of the students – to lead, to develop, to take care of students – in every sense of the word. Spearheading the SA is a group of enthusiastic leaders. Every year, we recruit only the finest to join us. Our leaders are handpicked and interviewed after initial recommendations made to us by other members of the SMU community. This year, however, I have decided to formalise the recruitment of out members, so that we achieve the same quality of SA leaders, but in greater quantity to support our exciting and ambitious expansion plans. What expansion plans? For a start, we are launching a systematic, progressive and perks-filled leadership programme that is a perhaps the first of its kind in the region, and those of you who join us at this stage are looking at becoming the pioneers of this programme. Along the lines of our current slogan, Leading with Heart, we are moving to become active players in the Singapore community, placing you as a member of not just an organisation active in SMU, but active in Singapore and then the region as well. What I’m saying is this: The world is your oyster, and we’re positioning you to harvest. Is that exciting enough for you? I promised earlier to tell you more about the camp. As an added bonus, just to show that this camp is truly for you, we will also arrange for sessions on topics that you are keen on. If there is indeed a leadership topic you would like to learn more about, feel free to indicate it on your application form. We will pick the most popular request and follow up upon them. The subsidy for the camp will be as high as 90% so you don’t have to worry about the cost. Note, however, that there is a criterion for attending our camp: You must be enthusiastic, willing to serve others, willing to commit yourself to developing as leaders, willing to work your way up from the bottom to the top, and willing to develop the organisation such that you, too, will gain the satisfaction of having been an active member once. If you wan to develop yourself, learn more about SMU and make like-minded friends, come and join us at the inaugural SMUSA Leadership Camp. Let yourself be the pioneers of something new, something you can shape, and begin to make that difference that is a crucial part of the complete SMU experience. I look forward to meeting you. Yours sincerely, Victor Ng President SMU Student’s Association

Dear Unwary-Freshmen-Ripe-For-The-Plucking As opposed to the useless meditative leadership skills Outward Bound School teaches? So it won't cover older people ah? Shucks, just when I thought I could con old people into giving me their life-savings Leadership Tracking? Is that like stalking Chan Soo Sen home? But I don't like Chan Soo Sen! He looks cross-eyed. Erm... I don't think even the students themselves would approve of the ways I dreamt about to serve them... particularly the Christian ones... Whee! A whole active body of like-minded servers! Out with those Judeo-Christian prudes! Yes! I can take care of them in every sense of the word! Expansion plans? I see... trying to oust the Geylang Conglomerate of Incorporated Servers is it!? Tsk, tsk! Sooo... sneaky. [Important Background Info: The GCIS has since 1998 been monopolised by elite Chinese national servers following the influx of them due to laxer rules.] Examplary Student Leader: "Ok all of you students gather around. I am your student leader for today. [inane smile] I'm here to lead you ok? So you all must follow me hor? ...What do you mean 'in what'? That's not important! Just shut up bitch! ...Ok now, enough with the moronic interruptions from Prof Lim! I shall be saying some words from this paper I found on the floor just now, right? After I'm finished, you all just clap and make me look important ok?!" Will missionary do? I have a bad back leh. And yes, I'm exceedingly excited. Woo hoo... May I suggest we start off with a clothing optional lounge session, which leads up to the clothing optional karaoke session, which then, of course, finally leads up to a very lengthy clothing optional serving session! And the good thing is minimal costs will be incurred.. well unless they decide to pay me for my services. Ok lah... payment also optional... Ok, point one: 5 requirements do not a criterion make. One criterion, two criteria. Point two: I refuse to perpetuate the discriminatory notion that bottoms should be subservient to tops. I demand role parity! Point three: I do have a very active member thank you... Oh, opps... I mean I AM, I AM a very... Yeah... I SO want to spend my remaining days of blithe carefree existence stuck in a camp with 50 Indian Chiefs, rampant sex or not... Yours sincerely, Victor Ng Chief-Indian-Chief-in-urgent-need-of-a-new-speech-writer SMU Conglomerate of Incorporated Servers

If it feels like plastic, tastes likes plastic, and breaks like plastic, then by golly it MUST be plastic!

Not "Magnesium Alloy"

Hence was my weekend of fun-filled engagements with inane sales people at Funan whilst scouting for a new notebook. I can always tell what I'm up against after I field the question: Eh, what is the cover made of har? It feels like plastic leh...

Apparently magnesium alloy was a popular answer, so was titanium alloy, then there was the mildly creative: oh it is some kind of... eh... plastic... metal alloy... eh... thing.

Ok, may be not so creative. It didn't help that on the last day, when I've already made up my mind and have decided from which trusty sales person (if there's such a thing) I shall purchase my companion for the next 3 to 4 years, my dad felt the need to peruse the mall one more instance to look for the mythical non-existent better deal. Hence the additional hour of inane sales people.

Whee... Yes I know... Magnesium alloy right?

Mardi Gras at the Esplanade!

Actually the BMSG (The Breastfeeding Mothers' Support Group. Yes, they have a support group.) would rather call it the great NURSE-OUT of 2004 (you know, like ZOUK-OUT?).

Apparently, the whole ordeal (I call it the ordeal, they call it the display of mothers' rights) began because some jittery and easily-shamed security guard had the ill judgment of suggesting to a nursing mother that she used the diaper room instead of the bench in a high-traffic area. Hell has no fury like a hormonally imbalanced woman scorned. Hence the demonstration of solidarity amongst pendulous moms at the Hagen Das at the Esplanade yesterday.

This is Singapore for you. When the politicians said we are opening up, they obviously really meant it. Now, finally, nursing mothers can roam the streets out at proud about themselves for they are the selfless matriachs of the nation and should have their full pensile splendour shown to all public.

Maybe we can have a breastfeeding campaign day to encourage all able-bodied lactating women to breastfeed - children optional. Breast pumps would do! Each litre gets you a string of beads! Or a pint of Ice Cream if we can get sponsors!

Also, according to the vice-president of the BMSG, Madam Kymberlie Chong, the group actually organizes activities like movie outings and family gatherings for its members. Which begs the question: are they actually aware that they won't lactate forever? The well does run dry eventually yer know? Do you really need a club?

Though I must say that it is true that the public should be more understanding, I believe few Human Rights Charters would guarantee women to the obscure basic human right of breastfeeding in the presence of on-lookers (What? They must provide an audience is it?). Look at it this way, its like peeing. It's an amoral largely harmless activity and most doctors should say that it's essential for your body [Some would even advise imbibing the produce]. But seldom do societies condone public urination, however innocuous or well-camouflaged the execution. In other words, you can do it whenever you wish, just not in front of other non-consenting people.

Yes, you do have the right to breastfeed, but I also have the right not to see your swollen dangly bits when I'm trying to enjoy my $3.10 Vanilla Hagen Das Scoop.

Two weeks of depression can really ruin your diet you know. Yes shut up, I'm blaming it on the depression.

As you probably can already tell, I had been absent for quite a few weeks. Friends close to me during this period would know that I had been particularly depressed over the fact that I had been rejected by yet another scholarship selection committee (Also known as my very last chance at salvation from entering the porn industry to supplement my allowance in Uni). And since this Blog is a place specifically only for light-hearted funny (funny to me, not necessarily funny to you) events in my life or mild inanely amusing jibes about other people that I will actually want to remember, I have decided not to ever write anything here when I am in a suicidal frame of mind.

So if you ever find this page empty again for a long time in the future, I'm probably already dead. Or really really fat. Or robbing a Hagen Das outlet and being really really fat. Or running away from the police after I robbed a Hagen Das outlet and being really really fat. Or getting shot dead by policemen in pursuit of me because I was running away from them for robbing a Hagen Das outlet and being really really fat. (Hence concludes today's lesson on 'conjunctions'.)

PS: After much slobbering, unabashed self-promotion, and faculty spamming, I did manage to secure a pretty good scholarship. Hence ends my bout of depression. Yeh! Hurrah! SMU's gain; the porn industry's loss.