A Cautionary Tale of Long Island Tea and Scotch Brite

Went to ZOUK last night. Had a Hoegarden before going in at 7-11 (I know, cheapo right!), then inside: a flat Tiger on tap (as in a 'bubble-less beer', not a 'breast-binding lesbian cat'), a Vodka Lime plus two Butter-Scotch Soda (which I unwittingly at one point of my mabo-ness refer to as that 'Scotch Brite Drink'). Must say the Butter-Scotch is my kind of drink. Sweet and almost devoid of any hint of alcohol, yet still comparatively intoxicating. People close to me would testify that since my 'Merlion' incident on my birthday at ZOUK, I have developed a chronic phobia of Vodka-ish smells and tastes, hence largely restricting me to crappy tap lesbian feline drinks (which justifies my cheaponess at 7-11).

Music at ZOUK was rather good dancy tribal. Phuture was however blasting out breakdance music. Since I didn't bring my helmet along, I couldn't do much at Phuture except go deaf. The crowd however was a little dicey (read: old). And I thought gay parties are the ones filled with uncles, or rather aunties.

One of my friends K.O.ed at phuture so we brought him outside after that. After our light supper on the grassy patch outside of ZOUK whilst waiting for him to wake up, we succumbed to boredom and decided to chronologize the events with a pictorial to educate future unwary clubbers, more so to black-mail my now ex-friend actually (He's the one who refused to pay up ok! I already never release the sans-clothes one already hor!). His plight inspired the following ad campaign:


   

Don't Let One-for-one Long Island Tea Make You Look Stupid!

Hi my name is Daniel, and I'm a 14 'toots' per day person... [sob]

Was pleasantly surprised by today's Straits Times. Not by a forum letter, but a rather quaint treatise on the topic of farts. Here's an excerpt of it and my accompanying thought process.

From The Straits Times by Assistant Professor Diana Ang

Danielboy's thought process

On average, we have about 14 'toots' per day. How often they happen do not seem to be determined by gender, age or the ability of an individual's colonic flora. What about the noise? What makes some people break wind loudly? Contrary to popular belief, the sound is not due to the flapping of the butt! It is produced by the vibrations of the anal opening. The loud 'toots' are basically a result of three things - the volume of gas, the force and velocity with which it is expelled, and the tightness of the anus' sphincter muscles. The presence of haemorrhoids and other anatomical features that could resonate also affects the sound. People with large haemorrhoids, for example, will sound off louder than people with lax anal sphincter muscles. Vegetarians, who actually pass out a lot of gas, would be quieter because they have large, bulky stool and looser sphincters. Their breaking wind will be detected socially only if what they let off is foul-smelling. Carnivores may have less gas but, since they have tighter anal sphincter muscles and may be more constipated, their toots could be high drama!

I believe the proper scientific onomatopoeic reference is 'poot'. And my colonic flora is very able thank you very much. Wait, is that a good thing? Bad manners? There's a popular belief?! That's the popular belief?! Maybe I missed that question on the census... Divided by the Universal Anal Constant, multiplied by your Individual General Guilt Quotient would just about equal the mean decibel level you should expect. What other anatomical features would one have down there, I wonder? An organic whoppie cushion? Those loose vegetarians... always sleeping around. Tsk Tsk! Always experimenting with their carrots and zucchinis. Tsk Tsk! Would it like qualify for 'Singapore Arts Festival' funding?

The hilarious Assistant Professor Diana Ang might want to consider writing a book:

"P.O.O.T! - An Odyssey through Colonic Flora"
Maybe Leon can dramatise it into 'high drama'.

Oh my Invisible Pink Unicorn! They killed Franco!!!

Isn't it depressing that I have nothing productive to do with my post-NSF life, and on top of that, I know the entire current plotline (no one can possibly know the entire plotline) of the "Days of Our Lives".

Anyway, enough with the self-loathing, now to the important facts. Just before the wedding of Franco and Sami, Austin reveals to Sami that Franco has been cheating on her! Sami then goes off to confront Franco! Meanwhile, Kate is frantically trying to stop Franco and Sami's wedding, hence she digs out Franco's evil past in Italy (which I don't know, because I missed a whole month or so of episodes [which adds up to about 2 days in "Days of Our Lives" time]) to blackmail him with! The enraged Franco tries to kill Kate with what looks like a golf club (a 'putting' club, not a Raffles Country Membership) but he is shot dead by Lucas who walks-in on them! Sami then comes in, but before she can see what has happened, she is knocked unconscious by Lucas! Kate hurriedly tells Lucas to flee town and plants the murder weapon (the gun, not the membership) on Sami! But Lucas doesn't just flee! He takes Will with him!

Meanwhile, on the Trans-Euro-Express luxury train or some shit, Vivian's behaviour is being controlled by the EVIL STEFANO because he has implanted his devious behavioural-control chip in her tooth (bluetooth technology perhaps) and is controlling her from a small handy clicker! This prompts Vivian to be more demented than she usually is, so she dresses up as a fruit basket and starts throwing waxed fruits at important foreign dignitaries! But most troubling is the fact that Ivan and Celeste aren't around to protect her and her immense 'Jonesy' fortune from the evil clutches of the EVIL STEFANO! The EVIL STEFANO's plan is to make Vivian think that her fruit throwing hysterics renders her obviously too incompetent to handle her inherited wealth and will hence be more than happy to transfer control of it over to her trusty new companion: the EVIL STEFANO!

At about the same time (you can never really tell for sure in soap world), Princess Gina, or shall I say an extremely PMSed and unnecessarily confused Hope, is probing everybody on the train about the non-existent and anyways highly insignificant four years of her life that the EVIL STEFANO supposedly stole from her! Similarly, Bo, who is underneath the ruins of Maison Blanche with Greta, is questioning her about her relationship with the EVIL STEFANO and Hope! Greta then reveals that Hope was never a patient at the hospital that the EVIL STEFANO said she was in! Instead, Greta was the one who was scarred by Ernesto's stupid magic trick and the one who had endured all the reconstructive surgery at the EVIL STEFANO's hospital!

Isn't it so much more interesting to blog about the "Days of Our Lives", instead of the days of my life. I can't possibly describe my life with all exclamation marks.

Look TWO! TWO carrots! AH AH AH!

Turned on the TV at a remarkably opportune time today. There was this 30-ish woman, who obviously had too much work done to her face, and this really ancient man, who is supposed to be this fitness guru from before the last Ice-age or something.

Before I could get a grip of what was going on, the part-time NIP/TUCK extra woman starts yelping orgasmically,

"Look TWO! TWO carrots JACK! It all goes in sooo... effortlessly! Look THREE cucumbers all at the same time! It's not tight at all! It all just goes in there JACK! Look at all that GLORIOUS JUICE flowing out! FOUR! FOUR zucchinis! All that WHOLESOME GOODNESS!..."

Once I have ascertained that it wasn't a porno version of a Sesame Street 'The Count von Count' sketch (since there wasn't any lightning or thunder after "TEN! TEN Wild Cherries! AH AH AH!"), I finally realised that Miss Botox was just (no, not 'just'!) juicing on the AMAZING JACK LA LANNE's POWER JUICER - THAT OUT-JUICES ALL OTHER JUICERS AND RUNS SO SILENTLY YOU'LL MISTAKE IT FOR A VIBRATOR! (Which I did. I blame Miss Potatohead's orgasmic yelping.)

THE JACK LA LANNE'S POWER JUICERJuice yourself silly today!

Hmm, where do I get one...

ORD LOH!

"One moment she's holding up a smelly towel. The next moment, she's GONE!!!"said Mr Kiap

Mr Kiap Kiap, 24, the companion of Miss Kip Kip, is pleading for anyone with any information about the whereabouts of Miss Kip to come forward. Miss Kip was last seen attached to the railing of a certain double-decker bed. Witnesses said she appeared to be holding up a slightly damp and stale green towel. Miss Kip Kip, 22, looks very much like Mr Kiap except for the green ribbon on her metal thingy part. Anyone with information about her whereabouts is encouraged to call the NEW Paper at:
1800-S-H-A-M-E-L-E-S-S-A-T-T-E-N-T-I-O-N-W-H-O-R-E



ABOVE:Mr Kiap and Miss Kip pictured here together last December.



ABOVE:Mr Kiap after he found out about Miss Kip's disappearance.



ABOVE:"One moment she's holding up a smelly towel. The next moment, she's GONE!"

Stay tuned! The NEW Paper will report any further developments promptly.

Now even the ministers are afflicted with the mysterious mind-wasting zombifying disease the MPs have!

Acting Education Minister Tharman Shanmugaratnam says Singapore students nowadays are individualistic, soft and not hungry enough, unlike the country's pioneers 30 to 40 years ago.

[snip]

Singapore students would tend to choose the "cushier" destinations like America and Australia instead of China and Vietnam, while foreign students in our system would grab that chance to go anywhere.

Soft and not hungry enough he says! Has he ever met PEGGY PAU?! Actually come to think of it neither have I. My only encounters with her were through rather vividly described instances of her scary persona by Leon. Well then, has he ever met PEGGY PAU through rather vividly described instances of her scary persona by Leon?

But perhaps the mind-wasted zombie speaks sense. I have often contemplated the wonders a brief competition for Primary Sixers could do for our youths. It involves, in essence, them roughing it out in a deep dark skanky hole at Macritchie Reserve for a few months or so, and the last one to kill and eat all his other classmates and survive the entire ordeal would be awarded a scholarship to Vietnam to reward him for his unwavering hardness and hunger. Of course mauling and butchering weapons will be provided.

Isn't it just so immaculately clever? Not only will some of them (actually just one) learn about the importance of hardness and hunger in life, but on top of that, most of the children (actually all except one) going into it won't survive to resume their irritation of mankind! I could even see it replacing the PSLEs. It could be called the Singapore Deep-Dark-Skanky-Hole-Hardness-and-Hunger Test, the S-DDSHHH-Ts, with a Hardness score and a Hunger score! Except that I have yet to figure out an efficient and non-invasive method of determining the Hardness score, more so for the girls.

Stay tuned for updates on the plight of KIAP KIAP!

MISSING!

Have You Seen This KIP KIP?
More on the plight of KIAP KIAP, the companion of KIP KIP, soon!

The Invisible Pink Unicorn isn't scientific, BUT that doesn't mean it's not true!

Read the comic relief section of The Straits Times today. Oh I mean the forum, how silly of me. It's hard to tell these days you know, what with all the zany comments that not only looney-bin Singaporeans write in, but bored-to-shit editors put out.

Here's a little excerpt of "Will you eat 'spent fuel'?"

IN RESPONSE to Dr Andy Ho's declaration that 'Microwave ovens are safe, just keep the eggs away' (ST, May 8), I would like to present an alternative perspective, plus some scientific research findings.

All forms of cooking - baking, frying, steaming, drying in the sun - involve heat being transmitted to food. The food acquires heat energy.

In the microwave process, heat is generated from inside the food and it travels outwards. The food loses heat energy.

From this perspective, microwaving is the opposite of cooking. The food becomes the fuel which generates heat. Eating microwaved food is equivalent to eating spent fuel.

Moreover, when food is microwaved, its molecules are agitated 2.45 billion times per second. That's 147 billion times per minute! Its energy becomes extremely chaotic!

What I have just written is, of course, not scientific. As usual, this does not mean it is not true, only that scientists have not studied the subject adequately.

My my, some forum 'contributors' should really stop standing too near the microwave. This particular Richard Seah obviously feels that his prophetic writing must be right until proven wrong because it is so filled with intrinsic scientific merit!

I mean you must obviously be raving mad if you actually dared to eat food with 'extremely chaotic' energy! Think about all the disorganized 'qi' that you'll introduce into your system! Think about the immense destruction you'll inflict upon your inner sanctum pathway to greater peace of the light - Maha Jodhari Krishmeena! Or at the very least, think about the holy-shit diarrhea that will keep you up way way pass your bed time!

So to answer Mr Richard Seah's question: "Will you eat 'spent fuel'?"

It can only be an emphatically chorused, "No! And we shouldn't have to swallow this stale, albeit slightly humorously idiotic, bovine scatology that occupies our scant daily forum pages either!"

Subtlety is so last year! This year we should televise C-SECTIONS!

Apparently Wong Li Lin, opps! I mean Li-lin and Alan Wu had themselves hitched at a low profile event in America last Christmas. They said they didn't want the media attention (oh like I give a shit!) and all, so they decided to keep it a secret. Low-key you know. Obscurity is golden.

Which is why they are now going to broadcast Li-lin's pregnancy on nation-wide TV for the full three trimesters, as though we can't get enough of her cute bitchy demeanour on her little blink-and-you'd-miss-it 'exercise' slots (Believe me, I blink and I blink!).

There should be laws preventing certain people from having children together you know. I mean have these people no souls to be putting the world at risk by birthing a bundle of bitch which is going to grow up with no ability to say 彥先生 to save his life whatsoever(a la Alan Wu's 'riveting' performance in THE UNBEATABLES III)? And on national tv no less?!

I say, was police and thief not punishment enough already!

Excuse me, are you a lousy Japanese barber?

Went to QB house this time. I've had a few rather good experiences at QB house barbershops before. This wasn't one of them.

They had just opened so all the barbers were free actually. I went in and the other two directed me to this third guy who doesn't look quite local. In fact, I soon realised he was Japanese! Great! Japanese barber at QB house. He must be an instructor from Japan or something. He must be real talented! I'm going to look cool for once!

Well unfortunately, talent counts for nothing when you don't understand english... especially after he cut off my side-burns. Apparently, "NO! NO! NO CUT SIDE-BURN!" in Japanese translate to "COME ON! Hit me with the MOST COCKANATHAN hairstyle you can come up with!".

I should have seen the signs. When he started sucking me with the overhead vaccum thingy BEFORE my hair cut (and mind you not on my shoulders or head)... When he opened the sanitizer thingy and took out a Chicken Quiche... When he asked me in his limited Japlish if I've ever had stitches... I should have seen the signs.

Come to think of it now, I'm not even sure if he works there. Maybe the other barbers were just gesturing at him because a Japanese madman has just taken them hostage. That would explain why they left the shop running with their arms flailing wouldn't it? I thought it was just some opening hour warm-up exercises (you can never be sure when it comes to these crazy Japanese companies you know).

I should have seen the signs... Or at least the semi-automatic rifle leaning against the console.

Goodness! Who must I sleep with to get a Scholarship?

Had a scholarship interview again. I thought it went particularly good. But then again that's what I thought for all the other 65 or so interviews.

I mean it's so unfair. I never got to the second round for any of them, regardless of whether I though it went well or not! What is this? Don't my opinions count? And for those that went badly, what in the world is wrong with them anyway? Asking all those weird spaced-out questions like: Do you know anything about Condoleeza Rice? I mean, is it my fault that I don't like Mexican food? (That's a 'no' by the way.)

Why can't they ask me meaningful questions like: What's tomorrow's TV schedule? Or things like: Do you spit or swallow? Yeah, important things. I mean, who gives a shit about Mexican food anyway?