Honesty

I've been part if BabyCentre for about 2 years now. I'm part of group of about 10 women, and it began as an actively trying group. (I'm now the only one who is not pg or has a baby, but I digress). It is great, and I feel like the women have become friends.
Sometimes during a boring night shift I spend time on the site, reading discussions about everything from breastfeeding debates to rants about unsupportive husbands who dare go out for a night, leaving their poor, suffering, pregnant wives at home alone. It amazes me how mean these women can get. The vicious, judgemental comments would probably make me never ask a question again.
That is why I love the blog world. I haven't seen any of that. It might be out there. But I feel a little more safe here. Other writers can relate...understand... or at least commiserate.
I have noticed that some writers apologize for their posts. For being too honest. I'm not going to do that. If I am feeling angry or bitter, I'm going to write about it. That's the point of this blog. So I guess consider this a warning. Things may get a little ugly. But they will be true.
Thanks for sticking around...

Stronger

Two weeks ago I found out that my 20 year old brother and 19 year old SIL were expecting. I posted about it here. It was probably one of the angriest moments I've ever had in my IF journey so far, and I hated myself for it.
This week my entire family is on vacation together. We are having a great time, and everyone is getting along well. Today I did something that I was pretty proud of. I asked my SIL about her pregnancy. It wasn't much- I just asked her is she has been very tired.
Before I found out she was PG, I used to dread the day. I thought I wouldn't be able to handle it. I didn't think I would be able to be around them without crying. But I am handling it. Sure, there are moments that are hard. And hearing the comments and the talk about it still makes my hurt twinge. But I am handling it.
I think infertility can destroy us or make us stronger- and for now, I am falling in to the latter.

What If.

I wonder if there ever comes a point in your IF journey that you stop playing the "what if" game. You know the one- "well, I don't know if I should get involved in that... what if I get pregnant? I don't know if we will be able to come on a trip. What if I get pregnant? What if next Christmas we are pregnant? Next New Years? Easter? Summer?"

I think there are good and bad things things about this game. On one hand I think it means you are still hopeful. You still see a pregnancy in your future. You still get caught up in that daydream where you finally get to share with your family that you are expecting twins!

The what if game can also hold you back. There have been several opportunities where I almost missed out on something because I considered saying no, just in case I was pregnant. IF really can take over your life. I don't think a day goes by that it doesn't cross your mind. I made a decision early on in this journey however, that IF would not let me stop living. I encourage you to spend some time thinking about this. Are you so caught up in thinking about how wonderful life will be when you have a child that you are missing out on life right now??

Welcome ICLW!

This is my first time joining ICLW, and its unfortunate timing. I am on holidays, so I'm not on the computer to much. I was trying to write a post right now, but I can't concentrate with my family here. I will try again tomorrow. But welcome to new readers, I will try again tomorrow!!!
ps- things are going well... thanks for the well wishes and prayers...

A Pity Party Isn't Much Of A Party...

So it has been a week since the bitter blog, and I am feeling... not so bitter. So that is good. I didn't drink too much wine at Thanksgiving dinner and make inappropriate comments, I didn't crawl into bed and not come out for a week, and I have kept bitter thoughts to a minimum. I am proud of myself. I know there will certainly still be moments, but I feel really ok.
This week we are going on a holiday to some hot springs with my family. Each family (we have seven kids in our family, 5 are married, and there are 7 grand kids) gets their own unit, with kitchen, bathroom, living room and bedroom. Which is great, because I love my family, but I also love some space... J and I are really looking forward to this. We are going for a week, and it is such a relaxing place. Holidays are few and far between for us, because we work shift work. I do know, however, that there will be difficult days. Lots of kids, and 2 pregnant sister in laws. I have made the decision though, to not let this ruin my holiday. It's ok to feel sad once in awhile, but I refuse to hide in our room for the week.
I will not let feeling sorry for myself ruin our vacation
I will not let feeling sorry for myself ruin our vacation
I will not let feeling sorry for myself ruin our vacation

Bitterness

On June 28 I received a blog award. As part of the award, I needed to write 10 honest things about myself. Here is one of them:
"My 20 year old brother got married last weekend. I think they will start a family soon. Whenever I think of them having a baby before me, I have a mixed feeling of panic and anger."
Yesterday at work my brother called me on my cell phone. That should have tipped me off, because we don't exactly have regular phone conversations. I was quite busy at work, so I had to keep to "just a sec" ing him. So finally I ask what's up... and he announces that they are expecting. I respond with... silence. Then, "um, wow! Holy shit." He laughs and says, "yep, we didn't waste anytime!" I say congratulations, and then thank God because the emergency line rings and I get to hang up. (I don't think he knows about our problems, and he didn't know I was at work, so don't think he is a jerk).
And then I had 4 hours left in my shift. 4 hours not to think about it. 4 hours not to cry in front of my male coworkers, because that would be completely humiliating.
And then I got home. And I felt... nothing. The tears did come, but not like usual.
And you want to know the worst part? I don't feel happy for them at all. What kind of person doesn't feel happy for her little brother when he is expecting a miracle? But I don't.
This is what infertility has made me. And this is how bitterness begins. I can feel it. I don't want it. But I feel cold and hard. And bitter. Because it's not fair. And I know that I am blessed, and other people are going through such harder things... but I could give a flying shit right now.
Monday is Thanksgiving. And you know what? I don't feel thankful. Those of you reading this are probably seeing me as an ungrateful, spoiled brat. And I kind of know I am acting like one. But when I think of going to my family's tomorrow, and having to congratulate my 20 year old, 10 week pregnant sister in law, I'm pretty sure that feeling in my stomach is not thankfulness.

Contentment

Con-tent.
adjective
1.
satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

"We tend to forget that happiness doesn't come as a result of getting something we don't have, but rather of recognizing and appreciating what we do have."

My mom told me not too long ago that when I was young, I would always want to know what was next. She said I wasn't pushy about it, I just wanted to know what we would be doing next. She said she was always trying to teach me to just enjoy what I was doing right then.
My first part time job was at A+W as a cook. I spent most of it wishing I could work up front as a cashier. When I worked in a daycare, I imagined what a great director I would be. As a teachers assistant, I wondered what it would be like to be the teacher. As a 911 dispatcher, I think how exciting it would be to be a police officer or a paramedic.
I've been thinking lately about contentment. How does one become content in infertility? I believe that God gave us the desire to be parents, and gave me a mothers heart. How can I be "satisfied with what I have, not wanting more or anything else?" Is the longing we have for a child wrong? I don't think it is.
I think that the above quote has it bang on. If I'm unhappy now, I won't magically become happy when I have a child. I need to focus on being thankful for what I have right now. And I do have a lot to be thankful for. It's not wrong to dream... as long as you keep your feet firmly planted in the here and now, and enjoy every minute of it.

I Don't Cry During Grey's Anatomy.

I don’t. I didn’t cry when Izzy got cancer. Or when George died. You know why? Because they aren’t REAL. I can honestly say I have never cried in a movie. It’s not real.
I don’t cry easily in real life either. Well, before infertility I should say. I have probably shed more tears in the last 2 years then I did in the first 24. I can honestly say I now understand the expression “crying like your heart is breaking.” But sometimes I even feel slightly guilty about this. There are people going through such harder things.
I think this helps me with my job. I’m a 911 operator. I listen to people begging God not to take their loved ones. And it never bothers me. I don’t go home and lay awake thinking about it. I say a prayer for them and move on. This used to concern me. But now I think maybe God made me this way so I can do this job. I can be the person who keeps them calm until help arrives.
My friends tease me about being cold. I laugh, but I wonder if they think I really am. Because I’m not. My heart aches for people who hurt. I hope that one thing IF has taught me is that everyone is going through some sort of struggle. It might be public, or it might be very private. And I pray that God continues to teach me empathy for others. I might not show it through tears.. But that’s just the way I am.

Oh Facebook, why must you taunt me?

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I enjoy catching up with old friends and classmates. I love creeping on others pages, I’ll admit it. I play those damn addictive games like Farmville and Mafia Wars. But if I were to change one thing about it, I would have to install a warning system.
**WARNING** TODAY'S STATUS UPDATES INCLUDE 2 PREGNANCY ANNOUNCEMENTS. PHOTOS INCLUDE 37 NEW BABY ALBUMS!!
Wouldn’t that be great? I have to be honest though. For some reason I force myself to look at every single picture. And I read every congratulatory comment beneath the pregnancy announcements. I can’t look away. It’s like a bad car accident that way.
My sister in law is expecting again. I’ve known for about a month now. How I found out is a fun little story I will save for another day. They weren’t telling anyone else besides family, so I could kind of put it out of my mind and forget about it. But then came the announcement. Status update- “Why do they call it morning sickness when I feel sick all day?” Very subtle. Clever. And then followed the 17 comments- “What?! You’re expecting?! How exciting! We are so happy for you! What an adorable little family you have!”
And then it hit me. J came into the bedroom to find me in tears. “What’s wrong”? He asks (like he doesn’t really know…)
“They’re going to have 2 babies. And we have none. And everyone on facebook knows.”
Thankfully he has survived a few of my psychotic breakdowns and understood what I was talking about.
He held me and said all the right things, which did make me feel a little better. And I will keep waiting for the day when I get to make an announcement. Although I’m not sure I will. For the sake of those who might end up in tears because of it.