Carpooling with Mother Teresa.

God is so good. I was griping about being so busy yesterday and as I was writing, it's like I answered some of my own questions. Also, I had many sweet and thoughtful replies and ideas of how I could prioritize (thanks Nannabird!). One idea that stuck out to me was how to utilize my long drive to work. I usually get so frustrated with sitting in traffic on the way home from work that my poor hubby gets the brunt of it when I walk in the door. But, from the advice of another traffic-hater, she suggested getting audio books to listen to on my drive. It's like a light came on and I could hear the little 'ding'! What a great idea!

So, after working out last night, I stopped in at the library and looked through their audio book selection. Needless to say it was pretty lame (with regard to biblically solid books), so I decided to be inspired by the autobiography of Mother Teresa. I know some of you are probably thinking "wow, how exiting!" But, to me, she really is inspiring. Regardless of her choice of denomination, she was a woman who was called from a very early age to live among the poorest of the poor. I totally identified because that is what I have felt called to do for a while now. It really began to spark on a trip to Philly in 2003. I almost quit my job and moved there, but something stopped me. (God knew I was going to meet J in a few weeks after that). And actually, Philly is what sparked my and J's first conversation. He lived there and had also had a passion for inner city life. It was a match made in heaven.

I digress.

The point is that Mother Teresa is such an inspiration to me and now I get to fill my mind with wonderful stories of her humility, simplicity, devout love and relationship with the Father, her sacrificial and compassionate heart on my way to and from work. I actually look forward to traffic so I can hear more of her story.

The next audio book I plan to get is Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis (author of Chronicles of Narnia). I am so excited. I hope I can find some bible 'study' type audio books/tapes in the future or prayer guides. If anyone knows of any, please let me know! Free or cheap is always preferable :)

One more thing - God is SO good that He even somehow worked out that I had time for a NAP today! I never get to do that! It was great.

Busy Busy Busy

Why is this country so stinkin' busy? I have a friend in Japan who is American and she says that even in JAPAN things are not as busy as they are here. Of course, a lot of the women don't work as much there (from what I understand, Christa, correct me if I am wrong). I feel like my schedule has control over me instead of me controlling my schedule. There are so many things I WANT to do (knitting, scrapbooking, stamping, walking, having people over, play cards and games, make things, exercise, etc). But I do not seem to allow myself enough time to actually do them because I have filled my days with so many things that I HAVE to do (or assume I have to do because the world will fall apart without me - jk:) I get up before daylight, drive 45 minutes one way to work, work hard all day long, drive 45 minutes home. Immediately start cooking for me and my hubby ( I am not a good cook, likely because I am so tired I don't want to make anything hard). I am also so hungry that I don't want to wait till something cooks. I love my Spaghetti O's! Then I try to workout after I spend about 30 minutes (if we are lucky and intentional) catching up with my husband about logistics of life (bills, work, cars, boring stuff). Then he or I have a meeting to go to or community group, or HOPE team, or emergency, or someone's birthday party. And all of these things are things I WANT to do, but am so exhausted from work and paying bills and doing dishes and laundry, that I don't get to do them happily. There is just not enough time in one day. I cannot even imagine throwing KIDS on top of all this. The thought totally freaks me out! I want to be a stay at home mom, but I don't know if that is financially realistic these days. I just really want time to read a good book, play games, do the things that bring me joy. Anybody have any biblical, Christ-centered suggestions on how to get control of my schedule without feeling guilty for not being available for everyone all the time emotionally and spiritually? That brings up another point, the most important point, I can barely find time to really BE with God. I feel like that just gets squeezed in somewhere too. I am having trouble balancing everything. Can you hear the frustration? Sorry to vent. But I guess this a good a place as any right?

Things I would love to do if I had time:
1. Lots more time reading Bible, discussing theology, praying, journaling, etc.
2. Spending more time with my husband (not watching TV!)
3. Spend more time with my family (moms and dads, sisters and brothers, cousins, extended family - I feel like I don't even know have of them).
4. Spend more time with friends (Christains and non-Christains)
5. Scrapbook, knit, stamp, create things, dance more
6. Develop work relationships more
7. Mentor children or new Christains
8. Volunteer with inner city youth
9. Take more walks, exercise more
10. Decorate and clean more
11. Rest more!
12. Read good fiction novels that stimulate my imagination

Actually right now I am taking ballet, so that is a start. I guess I just want to do it all and I cannot do it all this side of heaven. God, I know you hear my heart and will help! Thanks all for letting me vent.

The Shadow Proves The Sunshine

I had the stomach virus recently and it was very eye opening. I really am such a baby! It was just awful and I sure let everyone know about it too (everyone being my husband). And he is so gracious and sweet. When I would whine, he'd rub my back. When I would be demanding, he would go to the store and get me popsicles and ginger ale. He is the most laid back person I know (which is partly why I love him so much). But, his grace and gentleness just emphasized my self pity. I was so sick. I was begging God to help me and then getting mad when He wouldn't magically cure me immediately. It took hearing about a friend of a friends story to help snap me out of some of my 'poor me' mind set. Not that what I was feeling wasn't real and shouldn't be validated, because it should. God cares about every little detail of my life and is comforting to anyone - regardless of the degree of severity of the situation. Nonetheless, I was still reminded of my own self-centeredness and how I thought the world was going to end because I had becomes sick (can you hear a little control freak in there somewhere?) I heard that a friend not only was pregnant again (so she has regular DAYS of sickness), but that also had breast cancer!! So, she has to have one of her breasts removed while she is pregnant and then immediately after the baby is born, she has to start chemo and lose all her hair. She is also raising a toddler and they just moved to a city where they don't know many folks. It's just awful. I feel so bad for complaining about my bout with a stomach bug. It makes me wonder why God allows things like that to happen, especially to those who have made the decision to follow Him. But then I am reminded of scripture and how it not only doesn't promise skies always blue, but it actually says that being a follower of Christ is very difficult. It says you have to "pick up your cross daily." So, I guess the point is that I don't know why God allows things bad to happen. All I do know that when evil or unfortunate things happen, there is no question about the existence of it. I guess the same can be said of God and His goodness. The shadow proves the sunshine.

Justice, Mercy and Grace

Here I am, again, feeling guilty while simultaneously trying to grasp onto the grace that Christ offers. I feel guilty because I make promises to myself and to God that I cannot seem to keep. One of those promises is that I will DAILY spend good, quality time with Him. That in my mind, consists of reading scripture, praying, journaling, being quiet... alot of DOING. I cannot seem to settle myself to just BEING with Him. I don't really understand what that means or should look like. And being the perfectionist that I am, if I cannot do it perfectly, I don't do it at all. Uggh! If I close my eyes, I get sleepy and then I feel guilty for falling asleep. If I journal, my hands start hurting, so I don't get very deep. If I pray out loud, I feel ridiculous, because I am self-conscious about the way I sound. If I pray silently, my mind wanders onto bills, chores, worries and other stuff. When I do an in-depth bible study, I come to points where I just can't take the intensity, so I quit. When I do 10 minute devotions, I feel like I haven't done enough. I am not even sure what I am supposed to be doing to help me be more like Christ. I actually love listening to sermons, perhaps I should do that more. I also love listening to music that links me to God. I love being in nature. Those things make me 'feel' closer to God. But, I know from scripture that I cannot love the created more than the Creator. Everyone out there who is able, please pray for my guilt-ridden heart. Pray that GOd will take my guilt and turn into grace that changes me. I need a reminder that I don't have to "do it right." He just wants me to be with Him. There is good guilt and their is bad guilt. I know what true "Godly sorrow" is like. I've experienced those tears. But most of the time, I seem to be plagues with 'performance trap guilt' The kind that says "You will never be good enough for God, so why bother." But that is how tricky satan can be. He takes a truth and twists it just enough to where you can't tell if it's even a lie. He isn't always so blatent. He isn't called a deciever for nothing. Actually, the truth is that I am no good on my own. I am not good enough for God. But, I cannot forget that is the whole point of the God coming down here to me in the form of Christ. I couldn't get to Him, so He came to me.. to us. I am a rebellious creature and not good enough for anything. But GOd loved me so much, even while I was spitting at Him in the face and whoring myself out to the idols of this world, He had a plan the whole time to save me. Time doesn't matter to GOd.. he created it. He had a plan for my salvation even before I was born. Christ died on the cross to carry the weight of my sin for me. Because of that scripture tells me that God sees me as PERFECT!! Isn't that crazy? God totally is not typical!! Because Christ died, my sins are washed away in the sight of God and I can rest assured that I will be with Him for all eternity. When I die here, I will get to see Him face to face.
I know these truths, but I fail to live them out often. Thus, the guilt. Thank God for grace.

This is a phrase that helped me a lot when I first decided to believe Christ did what the Bible says He did ( aka. became a true follower)

JUSTICE is getting what you deserve. (i.e. Justice is that God's wrath would be on my head because I rebelled against him in my sinful nature. That is just. Or that a murdered would get a life sentence or death row.)

MERCY is not getting what you deserve. (i.e. mercy is that God would not lay his wrath on me or that a murdered would get out of jail or not be executed.)

GRACE is getting what you don't deserve. (i.e. grace is that God lets me be his child and I can crawl into his lap when I get to heaven and spend an eternity of peace with Him. Or that a murderer would not only get out of jail, but be given a beautiful home, with a wonderful job, on the ocean just because.

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." Phillipians 1:6

Can we really do this?

I was watching the news last night and saw an older woman in New Orleans who refuses to leave getting tackled by the military and forced out of her home. Apparently, she had pulled a gun on them when they came into her home to make here leave. I have a few questions.

1. Can our government really force people out of their homes like that if the homeowners do not want to leave? If so, how free are we as a nation, really?

2. Do these people have a right to stay in their home and not take the help offered? Even if it means they might die?

3. Of course, if they do stay and get weird contagious diseases that might be a threat to others,is that reason enough to force someone to leave?


And, lastly (although I fear I may sound like a dreaded slogan on a bracelet) what would Christ do in this situation? If He were (which He is in spirit), but if He were physically down there, what would be his priority? Helping those still in the water, helping those who were sick, helping the leaders,? Or, maybe, He is down there in bodily form. Doesn't it say that WE, the church (global) are his hands and feet? Maybe that was His plan all along!!! He's so creative!! I am totally rambling and am not sure my sentences are quite coherent, but I think you get the gist of what I am talking about. I don't want my blog to have to be a place for perfect grammar and writing... it stops the flow of my heart. I'll edit later!

Oh, Death, where is thy sting?

I am so angry right now, so please be gracious if I say anything that I don't put into exactly the right words. I am watching the news and noticing that the only people that seem to be left in New Orleans or Biloxi are those who were unable to get out (i.e the poor and elderly and those in hospitals, etc). What is making me angry is hearing people say "Well, they should have left, they told them to evacuate." Now, while that is true... the government did tell them to evacuate, I did not hear of the government providing any WAY for them to. Poor people don't generally have cars, much less have money for the expensive gas. And where would they go if they did? Also, people in nursing homes may not be mentally sound enough to evacuate. The vulnerable, the people who depend on others to get out; they were left there. And what is even worse, no one seems to be in a great hurry to help. Is it because they are poor? Are they not worth the same as a rich person? One guy on CNN said he gotten out because he had an SUV and went to go find his pets!! HIS PETS!! While I love animals, there are people suffering and he risks his life to get his PETS! What is wrong with us? God, please have mercy on us. We do not know what we are doing!

I also heard that anarchy has broken out because there is no law enforcement in these concentrated areas of trapped people. Little 10 year old girls are being raped, snipers are shooting at people who are trying to get in to help, looters are taking over! It seems there is a lot of talking on the air about what FEMA and the government are GOING to do, but the people there have not SEEN anything yet. Why can't helicopters just keep making repeat trips to get people out of there? Obviously some people in their comfy SUV's are able to make it in and out. Why couldn't they take a few folks with them?

One report I read said that a lady went up to a police officer and he said "Go to hell, it's every man for himself out here."

It's just awful and I feel so helpless. I have prayed. But should I be down there with the Red Cross helping get people out? I feel like I am just talking and watching TV while people are suffering. I hate this! God, please show us each individually how we can help or what we need to do. More than anything, let us all remember that the worst thing is not that people are dying. Death has lost it's sting because of Christ. The worst thing is some people are dying without knowing Christ... that is the greatest tragedy.

"O death where is thy sting?" No where, cause Christ kicked your ass!! Please forgive the language, I am sooooooooooooooooooooooo mad right now.