Midnight frenzy

Good morning, it's 1am right now and I'm wide awake.

Slept for good 5 hours ever since i died on my bed since 630pm.

Got off work early today as I told boss I wasn't feeling well.

With a heavy head and bad throat, I met Zhi wei in tm, since I was at Ite east.

Well. I must say I felt weird that he suddenly called for lunch today.

Everything these days seem to be a little unexpected and uncaught for..

For a while I thought to myself if it will be awkward to meet. But I decided to give it a go.

It felt really good talking and whining over the lunch table.

And it did feel like all is good.

But of course, deep inside me I know I have a topic that I did not wish to talk about for now.

It is pretty obvious that he only got to meet me after gf returned to Msia.

Oh well, I felt it doesn't matter as long as he took the initiative to meet.

Just when I was happy that the friendship still felt the same, or rather trying to,

He had to burst my bubble by telling me this meetup was a secret one.

Seriously?

I can understand where the girl is coming from if she didn't feel comfortable about us meeting up alone. But I have already an all happy r/s with my very own bf. so what is that for.

It's very sad that I can only now meet my best friend with a group of friends,

And that Will mean, no more sharing of life story. Because topics u share about in groups are not the same when u are alone.

For another time, I know this is going to put a strain to the friendship that he so called, 7 years of friendship.

I gues it doesn't matter when we have someone else that we care more about.

Knowing that I hate to be treated as someone less impt, this kinda secret meetings won't work for me and I know it.

I do not have the capacity to think about such things right now. Because all it does is to upset me further while I struggle with my everyday work life.

So.. I will go with the flow. Sometimes, not harping on things too hard is going to help one move on with life and be stronger. What comes may, I shall not care anymore...

Alright. I shall go and try close my eyes and go and slp.

It sucks to be brooding, ESP when u can't slp because u slept too much.

This is getting REAL.. tough

It has only been 2 days since work started for the week and i feel like it took forever.
the amount of work we all have to do now is, crazy.
it's 11.30pm now. And im still editing videos.
Say you are proud of me, because i edited like 8 videos for the entire day today, non stop.

whats more exciting is my boss happened to stumble upon a bitchy conversation i was having w michelle via email.
and BOOM there it went. and the angst lasted all the way until today.
Mich was super upset that i forgot to close the email window when she walked by.
seriously, that was a so so so genuine careless mistake i made because i was crazily working on 2 computers at the same time yesterday!
Sigh. apologized to boss last night via sms. and she didn't reply, as usual. but of course, tweeting nonsense to retaliate is simply her forte.
that got mich even more upset.

i felt so bad last night that i couldnt get myself to slp.
and today, to my dismay, i had to be careless enough to paste another stupid sentence onto boss's convo window.
when it's meant for mich.
honestly, that wasnt bitching time. but worrying time and just talking about it.
but of course, if im my boss. i would jolly well think that these idiots are bitching about me right now.

so yup. mich was damn pissed off with me and all the F words came out on lync.
saying how careless i could be, and committing the same mistakes was just crazy.
yup i totally agree. agreed. and agreed.
but she said it as though i did it on purpose, since i wasn't implicated and it all seemed like the words came from her.
aiyah whatever LAH. seriously.
if u're meant to bitch, u get it, u swallow it, u suck it up.
FML that I have to deal with such emotions every single day of my life.
not like, i don't have enough work to keep my mind busy.

This January has been real bad for me.
not sure if it's a ggreat great signal to tell me to change a job right now.
but i am and i will.
gonna finish up my resume, write the letter, and find a job.
life is fucked up when u're thrown tonnes of work and u still have to deal with all these 'girls' emotions.

i dont know how many times i have cried recently.
i only know, im not taking it well. and i need a break.

even the JB trip didn't help. sad to say.

my spirits are kept low ALL the time these days.
i don't know how to describe it.

and now... im stuck.
where do i go from here?
what do i want to do?
i don't know.
i only know. im tired of this crap.

hate the fact that i allow all this to happen right in front of my eyes.
and i can't do anything about it.

i'm so god damn tired. yet another day tomorrow, i am so so close to taking mc.
i need a breeeeeaaaaaaakkkkkk.
i detest the place i work in right now. honestly do.

sigh. alright. negative vibes all over in the air.
it's time for bed. before i go crazy.

JB Trip - Paintball & Go Kart

PHEW. I must say something before i start talking about any other thing:
I AM FINALLY HOME.
This is probably the only trip that i was dying to get home.

Guess everything just didn't start the right way.
Fought damn badly with bf on Friday night - after the good friday the 13th curse falling upon me that day.
I cried like a baby.
Havent cried this much for the longest time, simply because i felt like i am breaking apart due to work and studies stress.
and of course, the trigger was there.

And next day, woke up at 6am and there we go. Met bf for breakfast - and yup sleep was always good for me to cool down and be happy once again.
only thing that did not start right was i had super puffy eyes and was not having a good feeling about the trip.

and yup! lets talk about all the good things:
1) everyone 'seemed' excited
2) Celebrated Mic's bdae and i saw the super duper big milk tea!
3) paintball was damn scary, but was super awesome watching the guys play. i simply love my bf. that totally made me fall all over again. haha
4) tune hotel was great for staying
5) mic's friend was damn nice to drive us in one car, while the rest needed to cab on the first day. saved us a great deal.
6) go kart was damn fun!

but of course. i really must say.
i did not entirely enjoy the trip. really. with the little needle in me that was growing overtime, and pricked me all the time.
i hated the fact that we did not insist on the car rental - that cost us to be going merry go round with the stupid dishonest malaysian drivers.
it was really really really really, frustrating, until the point that i blew this afternoon. when the taxi meter hit 80 ringgit.
well, that was showing my anger meter too. i guess.

i was really angry, with of course you-know-who. who insisted on getting the cabs instead of car rental, and we had to walk almost 1 km plus, when the driver got pissed and dropped us at some stupid petrol kiosk. i tell you, such experiences are one of a kind.
i don't think i'll want that again. to be stuck in a stupid cab that was damn small, and in the end we did not reach our destination.
there were, in fact, many trigger points to the explosion of anger.

and there we go, another f-emo and over-sensitive friend of ours.
sigh. and then another one who's always not willing to pay more than what she eats, and always insisted on splitting the bill with the rest of the group.
like seriously? we don't have enough chilli to add on to the plate.
these people, just don't realise, how the few kind souls had been giving in all this while. to make sure that the group still move on as a group.

so. with all these, was it enjoyable?
simply not. i just couldnt wait to g.e.t. h.o.m.e

now. home sweet home.
and i have to face the hard reality again.
filling up my resume and be prepared to send out applications for a job.
i am not sure how this is going to turn out to be. honestly.
but i am sure, i don't want to be going home from a trip, thinking about how much im dreading home, work and studies.
life really sucks at this moment.

it was also, pretty sad on friday night, that i realised the good and close friends that i once looked upon,
are no longer available for me to pour my sorrows.
they have their own problems, own life, and of course, own soul mates to talk to.
it's really pretty sad u know.
i wished i never had to feel this way. because it felt really pathetic.

see, too much things were runnning thru my mind.
the only time that i wasnt thinking about such things, was when i was on the track in the go kart.
because i was too busy thinking about how to not get myself hurt or flipped over. lol.

the only thing i was happy about was to spend some really quality time with the girls - clar n my bimbotic twin.
though i missed the totally heart-to-heart talk last night.
i think that was the only time the trip was worth going.
it's definitely not easy having to spend time together like that. :)
and of course, i nv felt i needed any other guy in my life, other than the bf who blended in so well with my friends, and always on the lookout for me thruout the trip.
i really think sometimes, i take things for granted. but i try not to. and shall learn that.

alright. it is now my time to koon.
gdnight!

Bad Friday, 13th.

It's been the outburst of all my frustrations today.

I really. really. really. hate working.
this whole week had been crappy.
Worked like hell, slept and worked like hell, slept and work again.
thats what I'd been doing.
Whats most frustrating is, i hate working for someone who's jolly well giving me all her work.
if you are not interested, jolly well declare it.
say that you're super uninterested in this business, and u just want to close it down.
i mean - why not?

enough of complaints. i think i've complained enough for the week.
and yes, i am drafting my new resume now. and i will be finding a new job.
as soon as im back in office to finish up my resume. i'll send it out.

it's sad that i was so excited to start with a year ago.
thinking that this is going to be great venture.
but apparently, u will realise that if your boss don't try hard enough.
and she's an inflexible mind control freak,
nothing new will come out of it.
it'll just be - her ideas.
waste of my life, my youth, and buried ideas.
especially when i run errands for her like i'm her PA or even worse, a slave.
fucked

she tells me to tell my colleagues to do this do that, every single day.
she avoids partner's phone calls, and when the calls finally reach me, i get shit.
fuck it. and i cant be rude because im a frigging exec.
in the private sector - executives are the lowest beings, are they?
well, made to be.

i also have rude partners, like wda.
i have irritating people from schs who spam my phone when im busy.
if i don't pick up, isn't it obvious that i am busy?
like give me and my phone a break?

and best. finally outburst.
bf got so frustrated with my complaints, scolded me for not telling my boss that im not happy.
Hello. some people are just not meant to do some things.
not everyone can be like him. to just shoots off the mouth.
if i can, i'd be earning big bucks.
but i know i wont be because all i want, is to get a reasonable pay. and live my life as it is.
i complain, whine, as usual, is to vent out my frustrations.
i don't need anyone to tell me what to do. because i know, what im supposed to do but i just can't do it.

come on. perhaps suggestions on how to vent my frustrations better will be great.
like playing angry gran, jetpack, go shopping, go to the beach, go home, whatever.

i don't know how to feel now.
having a really bad day. angry and upset. over everyone and myself.
i just want to stay at home, and skip the JB trip tomor.

had been skipping classes.
i'm so god damn tired, everyday
wont be listening even if i went.
how like that. fuck my life.
im damn stressed up. i wonder if anyone would know.

so frigging irritated.

i don't know how to get thru this.
i don't want to fight.
but i don't want to add on the stress level too.
so perhaps it's best not to talk.
and just leave me alone. i'll be better that way. and make u feel better.

god damn it.

Great day huh

Today had been full of ups and downs.
But I have to thank god that I think theere were more ups than downs.

Bad things first,
1. For the first time, my colleagues actually thought that I tried to put one of them in the bad light. I admit it was tactless of me in the email sent but it was never my intention.
Of course, right?
I was rather upset over this actually. But felt really bad after that and so I apologized.
Episodes over. Painful lesson learnt.

2. Boss last min asked me to meet a guy from some other company for lunch with her. Well. It would have been great if she had told me before today. I hated last min notices, and as though I had a choice to turn her down since she called it a mini networking session. I really hate meeting outsiders when I'm in casual and specs. Okay. Everyone says I look very smart in my specs, but I hate wearing it. Was very moody because of that and also that I have tonnes of work to finish today and the lunch was totally unnecessary. What's more, I was supposed to meet lovely Janice for lunch! Humph.

3. JB trip was annoying as usual. Wallace had to only ask about the dates only she I asked to confirm his attendance, though we all know who he is, it's still very irritating to know that he was the king who suggested the date and activities, and mic sis and I are the ones cleaning it up. And twin took the longest ever to reply me if she's going, as though the reply on MSG on a yes or no could cost her 10,000 bucks. Yes.

4. Beloved BFF msged this morning. The same encouraging messages that I used to receive back then.. Whenever after he reads my moody blog entries. But it felt really different this time round? It's so near yet so far. I really didn't know what to say, and I made some remarks that wasnt very nice. Guess I'm just feeling sour about it. Sigh. Big sigh. Grace grow up!!!
And conversation ended with him knowing that disappointed and I chose not to reply since I din want to make it sound any worse than that. But what can, right?

As a matter of fact, I had been upset, I still am. Thinking about this every now and then. I guess I just have to slowly adjust to the fact that, things are not the same anymore? As people get older, their priorities change. And when a whole new important person enters our lives, that's what happens. And yup. I choose to take a step back. Because I don't want him to feel bad too. No matter what, I will still be there. But perhaps, not so active anymore. It isnt really me to always be initiating, or rather begging to meet someone. So I tried. The whole world, who knew, can see that I'm still stupidly emo-ing about it. But it will get better. Eventually.

I was just thinking abut my yearly invitation for the usual to come my house for steamboat this year. But somehow, it seems like I wasn't sure who to invite now. Its strange right, I know. Lol

Okay now, enough of that. Good things!

1. Nothing too bad happened to me and my colleague. I compensated by helping to print massive amount of papers today... Hardworking Hor. Grace chan just sucks at apologies.

2. Lunch was good! Not the talking part but the food! Had damn good pizzas at hotel fort canning while my boss n guy talked and talked. I felt rather out of place going to such places for a lunch. But oh well that did not stop me from eating! :)

3. I finally booked the hotel rooms! It feels like an accomplishment booking 5 rooms at one go. For the JB trip, Bf praised at my efficiency at such things. I'm sure right. Hehehe. But guess what, I was retardedd to have booked 5 double rooms, only realized that at night just now. Since we only have 9 peeps going, it should be 4 double, 1 single which should be cheaper? Hahaha actually I'm also not sure about single room price. But it's okay, whoever read here. Keep mum k. Hahaha.

4. Prevview team meeting finally happened today. Boss finally prepared something. Though she sounded all right to have postponed the meeting so that she could prepare all the agenda and objectives for the year. A thought ran thru my mind, why so last minute then? But it's okay. Suck it up grace chan. Meeting went well. Looks like I have some new portfolio to build this year. Discussing our roles and responsibilities next week. Lets hope it's all good.

5. Dinner and time spent with bf tonight was awesome! :))))) whee! We had our little cups of ice cream at citilink. I bought some 1 top, 1 tee and 1 cardigan altogether! Guess that puts a stop to my shopping spree. The sad thing was I neeeded to get a new wallet..l the existing one looks really gross. But the ones I liked are all so expensive! So, I shall cont scouting. :/

Dinner was at sakae n we had our salmon feast. Hehe. Walked again and found ourselves in starbucks. I had my green tea latte while he had his coffee. I just never understood why coffee drinkers are also appreciating the coffee by drinking reeeeaaaaalllyyy slowly! Until I complained and he finally gulped it all up at one go. Feel bad but it's okay!

Then. We walked to the lovey esplanade! Haven't went there for a long time. Sat down at the waterfront and there was daphne Khoo, ex spore idol contestant! She sang really well and the 45 min sitting there was totally worth it. Good rest for a Friday night wasn't it.

After that home sweet home.
Happy 2.5 years anniversary boyfriend!
I bought him a pair of shoes, that looked so pretty on him!
But err... Is pretty the right word? Haha nvm!
Yeah yeah. Buy shoes bf will run away,. We shall see. He contributed 10 bucks already la. :) haha

Ok I neeed slp!
Brought work home to do. Need to spend sometime over the weekend to do it!
But tomorrow I'm lunching w bf, class, then out w classmates!

Then Sunday will be Ubin w bf!!!!!! Yay! Training time!

Alright, need energy. Gdnight!!!!!

Speechless

I'm actually really frustrated with how the entire company is working.
it really sucks being worried at a job, you know.

Just the start of the year, what welcomed us was a goal setting meeting - which lasted for 5 min.
CEO asked us what is our problem - how do we really feel, do we feel neglected, and about the change of manpower allocation.
2 of my colleagues - my mktiing mnger and designer are going to a sister company, programmer resigned.
Now, it has been downsized from 7-men team to 3.5 team.
what do i mean by 3.5?
Boss is now stuck with 3 companies. like wtf.
this means - shes not going to be focused.

This company of mine feels like an abandoned child.
and now 3 of us are just waiting and waiting for directions - which is never going to come from my boss.
because she is just delaying the team meeting forever.
it pisses the shit out of me.
because i don't like it when one is tasked with the responsibility, but u do nothing about it.
admit it, if you are a worker, don't try to be a leader.

aiyeah.
i am really thinking hard if i'm going to stay in a place like that.
previously back then in sch, i had no directions from boss.
but at least he doesnt irritate me by micro managing
and i don't see him everyday

now, i get more pissed off. because i see her having fun, buying carpet for floor, go down for kopi?
and she has no time for reading minutes and planning business strategies.
it bugs me. really.

Alright, I need to go off from work.
She has no right to tell us that we end work at 630pm while she works late.
because - what is she doing really?
no work of course we go home right? haha.

ByE!

HappY new year!

Happy New Year!
it's officially the 2nd day of the year 2012.
well it's 1am now and i had no idea how the first day pass so quickly!

Had a blast on the last day of year 2011.
Met Wallace and gang for lunch.
As usual, we had time for our game session where wallace introduced the new game. :)
I love it whenever we are full of laughter!
In this group we can simply laugh at anyything anyone. :)) I think we should really spend time more often in the new year.
Had great thai food for lunch, thanks to sis's recommendation.
then dessert in bugis lane - i honestly don't rem the popular shop name.
then we finally parted around 4ish in raffles city.

Thereafter i rushed home and showered and i was out again!
Went w tx to Janice's place for dinner.
I would say the new kitten she adopted albie is the first cat i ever liked. :)
really hope that her dad will allow them to keep the cat. hmmm fingers crossed!
the dinner was fantastic, im really impressed with janice's cooking all the time! haha..
and we met Ryan the bitch, and his. er Boyfriend. haha!
finally! what a good catch he has gotten himself. grr! so jealous!!! haha :)
had fun introducing these ppl the werewolves game!
i think i do great as a narrator though, so did tx! :D
These girls are the best to hang out with, i really dont know what life would be if without them for the past many years.

I was happy because i got to cross the year with beloved bf. :) though it was at some super quiet bustop near janice's place when we were on our way home.. haha. :)
and of course 30th night was spent with him entirely. =) well, i was epic to have fed him expired cooking oil in the dinner i cooked... lol. found out only the next day when he was cooking breakfast! LOL

Today was entirely a family day, which i think i missed totally.
i woke up at 1pm today - good day to be in bed actually.
dragged parents down for lunch at 2.30pm. ho ho.
and then bro and sis came down with the 2 little monsters - my cute nephews. haha!
went shopping in lido isetan for my parents clothes, and then i got myself a nice cardigan and tank top! YAY.
oh btw - i successfully cleared my wardrobe of old clothes!
So now... i have every reason to be shopping for clothes. Hmmmm. :)

the night ended at east coast park where we had our.. late dinner.
had a hard time eating with kids crying and throwing tantrums.
and then i faced the sandcastle while trying to coax little asher to slp.
it was rather nostalgic, but i thought to myself - what have i not done at this part of the beach? hha!
i remembered the days where we pretended to newbies and tried to learn from the experts about building sand,
our own building sand episodes, and then the purchasing of all the sandcastle sets pretending to be alice, ben, and what not. :)
missed it. really!

and then the night really really ended at 11pm and im already exhausted.

What are my new year resolutions for the year?
1) To lose some kilos! hahaha it's a yearly wish btw
2) save more money
3) earn more money
4) save medical expenses by stop running to docs and hosps
5) spend more time with my close bunch of friends and family

and of course, to do that, we remove people that are no longer important in our lives and move on.
or should i say, remove people that do not already deem me as important anymore!
Yup. I'm quite sure about that. it takes sometime to adjust losing some once-so important friends. but i think it's necessary.
or i have already lost it. haha!

gdnight everyone. lets hope for a better year ahead.
my Jan month at work is crazzy. hmmm im thinking of changing job, really.

bye!