I want nothing but...

I want nothing but....

1 Sleep. Think i'm seriously lacking in that. So i'm slping soon

2 money. I want to have money!!!!

3 Energy. Think i gotta take vit b tablets soon. may not be a bad idea actually.

4 Direction. I need to think and plan for the future. what am i going to do with the job and studies?

5 Motivation. Please, i need motivation to study

6 kill the addition. I'm totally addicted to korean ppl ever since i met this great bunch. OH NO.

7 social life. I think i have no life right now. laptop is my best friend.

8 SLEEP

9 ZZZZZ

10 Gdnight.

.

I have never felt so bad for the longest time already.
the last time i felt this, i do not even rem when.
it is now at the peak of my life where i'm packed with work and studies.

into year 2 of my course, everything's getting tougher.
into 6 months of my new job, it's reaching its peak every single day.
the exponential learning curve and workload has taken over the entire part of my life.

i skip classes when i have to work overtime
i zonk out when i'm in lessons, even on a saturday afternoon
until few hours before the actual submission of an individual assignment, i feel that i'm not done and ready to submit it

i don't know what am i supposed to focus on right now.

This week had been the worst week for a long, long time
for the past 1.5 months, i worked 7 days a week, day and night, for work and studies.
this week, i received my results for last term.
results has proven that i am not handling it well.
got a low b, a low c for 2 of my subjects. waiting for the 3rd one.
but these 2 are good enough to give me the hit on the head.
my first c out of my entire results so far, and i know one more that comes, i may not get my first class honours.
then what is the point of investing my money in here?
a business degree, if you don't even get that level, then whats the point of studying in the first place?
i dont know. that was my expectations at the very start of my degree
if i cant do it well, i wont want to throw 20k of my money into it.
for that 20k, i live in debt every single month. fuck it. i don't care, just do it and get the As + Bs.

at work, i found what i think i'd love to do, at least in my remaining younger days.
i want to chiong and make sure i learn everything that i can.
moving from TP, this is a great place to go
where i get to learn what happens in the corporate world.
though it is getting awhile getting used to all the fake ppl and masks around
i felt that i am excelling in my job.
i am, told by the whole world, including my boss.
i'm keen to learn, i love challenges, and the liberty of free will - whenever i'm given.
but recently, i know im becoming a really bad workaholic.
and i am not handling my studies well.

and this week, my biggest event for the company happened yesterday.
our very first networking party. a total of almost 150 turnouts last night
the response was overwhelming
i was very proud of myself and of course the team who made it work.
and i know this co. will go far.
but will i?
i fell sick and had been having on off fever for past 2 nights
have not eaten a full meal since yesterday afternoon.
i feel so unmotivated and still rushing for project and presentation tomorrow.
i'm feeling so weak and tired that i just want to drop everything and disappear.

i really really really want to disappear.
somehow, i lost contact with most of my friends.
thank god i am still with my bf.
it really seems like i don't loo kfor ppl
ppl don't look for me.
i guess everyone's busy with their lives and i am fine with it.
cuz really, i have no time to entertain.

no energy.
i just want to disappear.
i just want to drop everything
for a tiny moment, i thought about dropping sch.

im darn tired and upset with myself.
i hope these moments will pass
but when?
any longer, and i'll snap into pieces.
i am at the edge already.
don't push me further.

im damn tired.

Official Workaholic

I am officially a hard core workaholic.
I worked like hell for past 3 weeks, staying up till like 1am every night editing videos
and last week, OT-ed whenever i'm free.
worked my day away on Sunday.
Ot-ed for past 2 nights. And tonight i'm still working, at 11.30pm.

I really think i'm nuts.
Skipped class, because i couldnt concentrate.
was doing work when i was sitting there.
can anyone believe it.
this is really squeezing me dry.

I admire myself sometimes because my drive for work never ceases.
Today I saw the repercussions of working too hard.
my shoulders + back are aching entirely.
due to carrying heavy laptop and sitting in front of the comp i guess.
it's SO painful that i can barely carry anything on my hand. but i still had to because my laptop was with me the whole time.
fucking heavy. really.
right here right now, it's still hurting.
i don't know how to cease the pain. and i will pop painkillers if i need to. it's very distrubing when i'm doing work with this kinda stretching ache.

my assignment for sch is due next week.
i'm not even halfway done.
so this friday night it's strictly no work but sch work at home
this goes the same for sat.

I'm really really really going crazy doing work.
though i complain.
it can be quite exciting when new things keep coming up.
i know this portal will eventually work out, if we hang in here.
because more schools are recognizing our existence.
in fact, they approach us now!

Grace chan. Can you work lesser.
i really pray that i can.
i'm so fucking tired.

exhausted.
gdnight.

Barely..

Before i officially die on my bed, i need to write this. i'm barely alive.
honestly my eyes can't even focus now, i'm just typing with my fingers and using the wee bit of my brain cells that's left.

Today had been the longest work day for the week, TGIF huh.
Slept at 2am, trying to finish up my group project work for my teammates last night, knowing that i probably wont have strength today (like now).
Was at NUS career event today.

It was fantastic because I have gotten more than 150 sign ups.
Everyone should know, getting NUS student, or NTU students, to sign up with us is how fantastic.
and today, I managed to hit my first 1000 of Jobseekers on our database.

I feel the satisfaction.
Because i think i earned it.
it's been half a year of hard work, without much marketing effort, to accumulate this no. of people.
Though many are still inactive, I am working out on how to get them active.

BUT! I am so frigging exhausted.
I am no superwoman.
But i know i am a workaholic.
even right now, i have a strong urge to check my emails, but i refuse to.

went for a networking session at 7pm with boss just now.
ended at 9.15pm
i finally reached home at 10.30, with my broken shoulders from the heavy laptop and bag...

and now? i applied muscle relaxant on my shoulders to ease the pain and ache
my eyes are barely open.

Tomorrow is gonna be another extremely long day again.
waking up at 0830 - filming group project video from 10 - 1pm
class at 2 - 5pm
meeting my beloved group of people for k session from then onwards.
I really hope i have the energy to enjoy myself.
but i doubt actually.

it's draining! literally killing me bit by bit.
everyone around me can see that i'm burning out
but i will cont to work hard, given my personality hahahahaha

siao alr. i'm not even laughing now actually. hahahaha
Sunday is a jam packed day, with half a day of sch work, half a day of unfinished work from office.
WISH ME GOOD LUCK!
i think grace chan rocks these days.
though depressed, still working well.
just very, very, very very very very disorganized.
too much backend admin work to be done.

life had been shitty. but i know i'm doing well at my job. like excellently.
but is that just what i want from life?
i'm not sure.
my symptom of skipping classes is starting again.
and helping classmates with individual assignment is no longer within my reach.
i can't do it. because it stresses me out further.

i'm really Way sleepy.
i need my bed.
i need to rest supporting my head with my neck and shoulders.
too heavy..

gdnight.
next few weeks will be hell till the networking party is officially over.

i need a fuck

Down

I''m feeling so down today.
the past few weeks of hell have not ended.
till now i'm working day and night

and today my colleague said really mean things to me.
sigh. i really din understand why i had to get that sort of accusations.
but i had been working my lungs out for the good of everything.

broke down after work.
finally!
cried like a baby. haha.
it's funny how i started crying in the middle of the shopping centre.
i know this time round, i really cannot take it anymore.

damn stressed up ahhhhh
sigh.
eerything is just killing me slowly.

felt much better after that.
thanks to bf, who made me laugh like an idiot on the trains after that.

im gonna slp soon.
after my city hunter show.
super addicted to it.
but it kills brain cells.
not the light hearted kinda show.

gdnight.

Has it been awhile?

Has it been awhile since I last blogged?
I'm not sure, and honestly i don't bother checking.

I had been working day and night editing videos.
Everyday at work, i'm facing 2 laptops, one for emails and work, one solely for video editing.
Every night after work, I either go to class or dinner, and once i'm home, I'm in my world of video editing again.
I end the editing nonsense at 12.30 - 1am every night for the past week.
I am, very tired.

I haven't really started working on my individual assignment.
I really h ope to work something out tonight on my survey, and get the world to do it for me.
i still need to dig on personality tests and all, and frigging spend time doing them.
group project - doing well, but everyone's damn kan chiong about it.
i'm filming video next sat for this, and i have not finished editing my script, trying ways and means to shorten it.
RP module is killing me. Long hours at lecture, and if i don't go, i frigging dun understand.

Work, Studies, Money are all stressing me out.
i think i'm dying soon or something.
it's okay to be stuck with work and studies, but not okay when i have to worry about budget everyday of my life.
it's really mind exhausting.
simply called, mind F*

i dig out time to do work, to do assignment and project.
wth. it's really getting damn tough can.
broke down a ffew days ago.
think it's too m uch for me to handle.
work is really killing me.

i'm out for presentation on my own today.
to a bunch of korean students
it was pretty scary just now to be briefing a group of 20 korean students.
because, i look just like them.
Same age, bit scary.
but i think i did well. :)
and thank god because of that, i have dongle to use now.
i have to register every single one of them.
soooooo tedious.

Next week
Filming + More editing
e2i Job fair on Wed
NUS career event on Fri

Meanwhile, I need to print and die cutting flyers.
120 + 400 = check out my grave or broken fingers.

alright. back to work!
Another chiongster day back at work after the 2nd round of registration later.
I really wish, sometimes, i have more than 24 hours, and i have cash.

need to compile 26 DVDs by today. if not i'm burning my weekend AGAIN.
FML!!!!!