I knew today would be this way, but nevertheless i'm still happy to spend time with you.
I chose to spend time with you instead of going to my cousin's house, do you know that?
I switched my phone to offline mode because i didn't want my mum to call and nag. I told you, i would do anything for you. do you know?
Didn't catch the fireworks, but saw helicopters, fighter jets and tankers~
Watched Tekken, makansutra and after that was just bad. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to say all those, but sometimes i'm really tired i don't know how to continue.
I still love you though, i'm just tired of crying.
How sad are you? Definitely not as sad as i am the past 1 month.

You know what hurts the most?
When the person you love, (and claims he loves you) can't even convince you to stay! :( (heartbreakmax)

Anyway, i really hope today's the last day i'm going to feel those tears run down my cheeks, or feel the pain from my heart breaking again. (cross fingers) but then again, i fear tomorrow repeats. i think it will? idk. will you try to stop me from crying again? idk if you're tired of me, tired of treating me nicely, tired of all my shits and nonsense. if i ever want to leave you, will you convince me to stay not because it feels empty but rather because you love me. i know love is such a over-used word. sigh :(

I really don't know what else to say, i just hope things will be better.
you may think that i wanted it and feel happier this way, but in fact my heart breaks a whole lot because i didn't even want to lose you in the first place.

Today's the last day of July. Today's the last day I'm going to feel hurt or cry, i hope.
but i don't think it would be this way. ._.

oh well.

feeling like a piece of shit, literally.
i look at my reflection and thought it could be my funeral picture
seriously, i look pale and dead. like i don't have a life anymore D:
need to sleep more~

goodnight (:

A real boyfriend

If only everyone could see this and understand it.

When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
Kiss her and tell her you love her

When she’s quiet
Ask her whats wrong

When she ignores you
Give her your attention

When she pulls away
Pull her back

When you see her at her worst
Tell her she’s beautiful

When you see her start crying
Just hold her and don’t say a word

When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind

When she’s scared
Protect her

When she steals your favorite hoodie
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn’t answer for a long time
reassure her that everything is okay

When she looks at you with doubt
Back yourself up

When she says that she loves you
she really does more than you can understand

When she grabs at your hands
Hold her’s and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you;
bump into her back and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you in your eyes
dont look away until she does

When she says it’s over
she still wants you to be hers

When she reposts this bulletin
she wants you to read it

• Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything
• When she’s mad hug her tight and don’t let go
• When she says she’s ok don’t believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she’ll remember you
• Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
• Treat her like she’s all that matters to you
• Stay up all night with her when she’s sick
• Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it’s stupid
• Give her the world.
• Let her wear your clothes
• When she’s bored and sad, hang out with her
• Let her know she’s important.
• Don’t talk about other girls around her
• Kiss her in the pouring rain
• When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is: “Whose ass am i kicking baby?”

The thing is, i don't even need all these to happen. I just need the simplest thing.
A hug would do the trick.
A kiss would make my world go round.

xoxo

hi, i'm gonna whine again on how much i really hate school right now. No words can express how much i really do not want to go to school. how much i want to curl up in bed and sleep longer. I need to survive another 2 more weeks!! Ugh, i don't think i'll ever miss school. This time, i won't complain of having nothing to do at home during the holidays no matter how boring it gets(anyway, i have to study for ut3). Yeap, i'm forcefully forcing myself to face each day because it gets so boring i want to die. i'm tired of putting in the effort, tired of seeing all the stupid faci face and tired of talking. i don't know if you get it, but i don't think anybody would understand how i feel(or maybe everyone feels this way, idk?).

It's almost the end of July, and this is just a very bad month, like one of the worse months this year. I've basically literally cried away my July. :( Painful, but all worth it. I seem so alright, but i'm so not okay. Crying for a month? sigh. I don't know how August will be, but i hope for the better. I'm like living in fear everyday which is so bad. :\ idk.
Sometimes i really just want to take a knife and stab myself in the chest(specifically the heart) because i think it's been broken so much a knife would do nothing anymore. i think i'm just disappointing everybody around me, i'm so sorry. i wish i could be better, but everything's killing me. i'm so sick of studying already, i just wish to get out of sg, and be at a better more relax place where studies isn't everything. i just want to sit by the beach with my cat and enjoy fresh air. i don't want to suffocate here anymore :( so torturing!! :((((

Ahh, i think i should stop dreaming(maybe i'm not and this may come true?). idk. Goodnight, i'm tired.

Am I really not good enough for you?



I love Twinkle, he's so cute he makes me happy. Cat therapy ftw ^^

I told you, happiness doesn't last, and it's proven, at least for me.
Today, my heart is broken another time. Today, i walked out of school alone. Today, i cried my way home. Today, i smell your scent on the shirt and broke down. Today, i cried myself to sleep. Today, i wished i didn't had to wake up. Today, i still love you very much. Today, i still don't know why i have to be treated like that. Today, i wish i'm dead.

Everyday needs to be as bright as today

Baby, are you seeing this? I miss your scent already!! :( The perfume you spray is like drugs to me. I can sniff it all day and not get tired. Been so long since you had that scent, like since the day we were dating for the first few times?(this is why i miss it so so much!!) I guess a scent can bring back memories too~ (:

Anyway, today we had G311 presentation and all's good (Y). Woke up at freaking 6.30am(when was the last time i did that?) D: and only took a few minutes nap this afternoon with bb. (L) I'm so so super glad the presentation is all over and we finally get a breather and break now :\ I love love love today, but i fear the next. D: Shall be happy for today, while happiness last, because i don't think happiness last for long, does it? Nevermind, i'm treasuring today while it last :D Love you bb and i love you for dressing so nicely today too (L) Haha. We were suppose to go out after coming home for lunch and to rest for awhile. Ended up being lazy pigs(i knew it!!) and practically slacked at home(xoxo) and ended up not going anywhere. Really very tired and lazy!~ IMY right now. I know my post is like very loveydovey but i don't care. haha ILY ttm (L) I don't only love you when i'm happy, i love you even when i'm sad or angry and loving you every second. You're my world.

xoxo

P.S/ I can't help but laugh when i see you wear my fbt shorts!! (hot legs, so jealous) hahaha!
/ I love how you love my cat so much, so cute ^^

I feel like dying. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know what modules to choose next semester. I'm sucha failure, a disappointment. I suck, i don't know what to do. I'm so tired. I don't want to suffer now and neither do i want to suffer in life. :( As much as i anticipate next semester, i'm also afraid of graduating. Cause up till now i still don't know what to do. Sigh :( Super h8 making decisions. HOW HOW HOW?! I'm already not in the IPBMS because stupid people like me can't make it one. then what now? what modules do i take, what do i do?! Ugh i'm a lost sheep. I already feel so stress for next semester when it haven't even started! D: I know it's gonna be ten times worse than now. I feel like dying and i know people will say i don't treasure my life. Yeah I don't, if only i can give it to those who needs it more than i do. :\ sigh I know i'm talking shit now cause i'm freaking out and feeling so stress and there's fyp evaluation on Saturday and i don't want to die and and and i don't know what i should be doing now. i don't want to panic i don't want to feel scared i want to be confident and this is such a longlong sentence without a punctuation. I wish someone would tell me what to do, but i know i have to make the decision myself. :( Only i can help myself. ugh :( okay, bye i should stop this now. i need to think straight and make wise decisions and hopefully not be scared for saturday. k bye.

I hate school. I'm feeling so tired and unmotivated. So tired of putting effort but not taken into consideration. Seriously. I can't wait for this semester to be over! On top of that, I need to clear my stupid CE points. :( I want to die. h8 school ttm.

Hi, lab management class is freaking boring and redundant unless i'm gonna write a research proposal next time which is highly impossible i think. I can't wait for today to be over! The last UT2 will be over!! Will be free from studying besides having fyp evaluation on Saturday and UT3 after the holidays ^^ Anyway, despite the boring day, xoxo made it more interesting and (Y).
Sigh, I'm so tired of lessons, tired of putting effort.. zzz

K bye.

Really? But my long lost Kachang loves sweet stuffs like icecream. I miss her :( and I still think of her everyday :\


& I agree on this. Cats are the laziest animal on earth.

http://www.learnsomethingeveryday.co.uk/

This is interesting.

It's funny, how when someone says they love you, you can't really feel it, but when they say they don't love you anymore, you can feel every ounce of what was drain out of your entire being.

Sometimes we can fall in love with someone for all the wrong reasons, and still love them even after all the heartache because most of the time, we can’t pick who we love. And even though we know we shouldn’t love them, we do and always will, because there are just some people in our lives who will get to us for reasons we can’t explain, even when they shouldn’t.

July is such a nasty month, I hope August would be better.
Do you miss Twinkle? I believe he misses you.
i miss you coming over to slack/eat, i miss you being happy, i miss you holding me, i miss you not getting upset with me, i miss... everything happy about you. i miss you.
i feel like crying now.

Goodnight.

Saturday

Hi, today is one of the rare Saturdays I decide to wake up early even though the weather was cool and great for snoozing. Actually, not like i have a choice because i need to get the damn fyp poster to be printed. To cut short, we had lunch at FFT while waiting for the poster to be printed. Food was alright, it's a place where you will visit once? I didn't expect them to not have aircon when the weather is already so hot! -.- Ion after that to look for my formal pants for fyp presentation next week. It fits just nice but it's kinda long so maybe i should cut it? :\ Okay, i have no idea why i'm blogging so detailedly now. D: Anyway, thank you bb for the time spent although i know you're quite upset with me because of some stuff. don't be sad, i'll always be here alright? i may not be the best cheerer(to cheer you up) or the best comforter, but i'll still be here for you. Would you rather have a pillar to lean on or no pillar at all? iloveyouverymuch. xoxoxo

How to make your day better?

• Eliminate negative words from you vocabulary. The words "can't, and "don't" suggest a sense of hopelessness and distress. Using positive words like "I can", "I will", "I am able" will lift your mindset to a higher altitude and helps you to dwell more in possibilities.

• Don't Complain. Each day, show gratitude for what you already have instead of complaining about what's lacking in your life. Pick up that penny on the ground and be grateful. A small thing such as picking up a penny is cause to show gratitude. It just may be the one you need to make your next purchase.

• Face challenges head on. Turn your challenges into opportunities to grow. When faced with a difficult situation, ask yourself "what can I learn from this?"

• Take control of what you think. If you think of something as impossible, it will be impossible. When you dwell in the pit of despair, you thinking will keep you there.

• Don't waste time worrying. Worrying is a useless emotion that consumes your energy. Step back from the situation and recognize when there is nothing you can do to change things.

"It's not the load that breaks you down, it's the way you carry the load" - Lena Horne


I just read this while doing my RJ. I wish I could follow all these so my day would be better and I would stop complaining! Actually, I think I don't complain as much as before although I know I still complain that I hate school and can't wait for it to end. :( One more month!! (:
FYP presentation next week, i'm scared and i know i shouldn't be. :\
Need to get the poster printed tomorrow, thinking about it makes me tired cause i don't want to carry it all around town -.- Besides that, i'm so glad it's finally the weekends again! ^^

xoxoxo
Do you know how much I really love you?

Today was a better day surprisingly, did a test and it was -- . :D
2 rounds of xoxo. (Y)
Quality time spent, thank you love. (L)

Live, Lose, Love

I guess I really don't deserve to be loved at all.
I don't deserve anybody's love, I won't be surprised if nobody loves me next time.
Everybody has flaws, i'm not perfect and i never want to be.
But I guess my flaws are beyond hope, because it can't even be negligible.
I thought love was about loving the imperfections.

Maybe my imperfections are too great, they don't deserve to be loved at all.
Why does words mean so much, why do they hurt so much from the person you love.
It's not about hurting me that hurts, it's about saying you don't want to hurt me that hurts the most. I need a drain in my eyes, so that those tears won't fall anymore.

I'm so afraid to fall in love again, because love hurts. Contradictory, I rather be hurt than not to feel loved at all. :( I really hate myself for being so useless, for wanting so much, so much that I feel like i'm living in my delusional world that won't exist in reality. So many things I wished will happen but in actual fact i know it won't. THEN WHY DO I STILL THINK THAT IT WILL HAPPEN AND HOPE IT WILL?! I guess the obvious answer is because i believe that such people exist, and I believe it's because it's the person I love! of course i wish those nice things will happen right? I think i've been reading too much of nice loving stories and it's all making me so fucking jealous i also wish it will happen to me. :(

Shermaine, you suck. so stop hoping that you'll be treated so nicely or be loved unconditionally. For the fact that you suck, you obviously don't deserve any thing like that. :(

Deep down, I honestly thought that 2010 will be a better year since 2009 ended so badly. 6 months has passed and I have to admit it's been such a crazy half a year. Everything feels blurry, like i don't know what to do anymore or how to believe. Suddenly I feel like i don't want to grow older anymore, I want to remain this age. Why is the world so crazy, i don't know how to deal with anything. I just want to die. I really don't know what to do anymore. :(

How can you call this love?

Hi, it's another weekend already. I'm so upset the week didn't end nicely at all. I knew all these would happen. As i look back at those words I posted on Monday.. about wanting the week to end nicely as well and looking forward to friday. But.. things always doesn't go my way! Meh :(
The week was crazy, and the cycle repeats week after week. :( Double Sigh.
This is like only 1/8 of how I really feel. Other times, I just feel like dying. It's just too painful, I'm just hoping i'll get stronger. But I doubt so :\




Everytime I see a high-rise building, my mind will picture me sitting on the ledge of the 13th storey waiting to fly, or a picture of me having landed on the ground after trying to fly. or anything and everything related to death. Like how I should do it, what happens after, will I die? etc. I know if i'm going to tell anyone this, they will probably send me to a psychiatrist/psychologist and diagnose me with depression, etc.

No really... what if I'm dead now? Will anyone still care? Will anyone live with regrets?
Nobody understands me, like how difficult it was and still is for me to go through school. All you can say is i'm smart, don't study and do well, say i don't know anything but in fact i know, etc. So what if i do well? grades don't even matter to me. doing well doesn't even make me happy. i have no feelings towards my grades. but my grades mattered so much to you. i really wonder why. Do you really think it was easy for me? I struggled so much ever since I went into rp, i hated school so badly, and remember how much I wanted to die few months back too because of school? You know how stressed I was? I know everybody faces the same thing, does that mean my stress does not count and is negligible? The tolerance of pain i have is definitely different from others, so there isn't a need to compare. Do I need to be diagnose with some kind of depression before you believe how bad it actually is. I really do not want to act like i'm all fine, cause i know deep inside i'm not. I'm clearly NOT. It really drives me crazy so much that physical pain isn't even pain to me anymore. That I have the courage to do all kinds of stupid things. Call me crazy or stupid, i don't really care. Till the day you experience or feel the same way, you'll never know how it feels. I'm bringing myself through this pain so that one day i will realise the mistakes i made, the experience, and hopefully find a happier me. I love to see the change in me 10 years later. hopefully it will be a good/happier thing. i really need to rant all these here because i have no one else to tell, somebody who would understand, somebody who would listen to me, and somebody who would tell me it's alright and somebody who would love me as i am. dear blog, i'm sorry for ranting to you. its because you're the only one who wouldn't say a thing or unlove me. thank you for being here with me all time and listening to my rants. ily. i don't want to burden anyone else with my problems anymore, i hope i make it through. xoxo. i'm gonna google ways to say bye.

It's Monday again, but such a nice start to the week. I hope it remains this way and the week will end nicely as well (: I can't wait for Friday!! After don't know how long, I have something to look forward to! ^^ A weekend that i'm looking forward to (: I can't count the amount of weekends for the past month that I rot at home D: Although after this week, 3 UTs down, 2 more to go we'll give ourselves a break and celebrate a little hehe (:

Anyway, I was randomly bored just now and decide to check out horoscopes for fun. I've never believed in horoscopes but yeah.. I just want to see how accurate some things are. And... apparently, some things are like so true I don't want to believe. D: hahaha. Anyway, I was just checking out the love compatibility. IKR.

Aries/Scorpio

There’ll be occasions when your opinions will be vastly different, because of the differences in your life perspectives. Because you’re both very determined and forceful, you’ll find yourselves clashing intensely. These bouts of rage, when you both try to assert your superiority, will be a nice forerunner to the kiss-and-make-up (make love) sessions that follow. You may find yourselves provoking each other in order to get to the bedroom aftermath!

Scorpio is a very compatible star sign for you sexually, because you are both ruled by the passionate Mars. Pluto dominates the sign of Scorpio, and brings with it a rather icy depth that may be hard for your often superficial approach.

Scorpio can inspire you to look beneath the surface of life, and you will enjoy exploring the deeper sides of life together. (Quite true)

Aries, you do have the energy, physically and mentally, to keep up with Scorpio. Explore, experiment, and see where this journey might take you. At the very least it’ll be an interesting ride.

Scorpios born between 24 October and 4 November will clash ferociously with you. You will irritate each other and take pleasure in proving each other wrong. This is perhaps to do with self-esteem issues. Making another person feel weaker so that you feel stronger is not a good basis for a relationship. This is not a relationship to be entered into without a great deal of thought. (SELF-ESTEEM! TSK)

The sex can turn out to be either stimulating or useless. There are two directions for the events to develop. Both the Aries, and the Scorpio possess a large amount of physical energy. They are both inclined to act. On the other hand, they are both independent and do not like being controlled. Long-term disagreements may destroy their phenomenal ability to share passion of and with each other. Usually this is an unstable partnership with a low ignition point.

Scorpions and Ariens are both intense individuals, creating a complicated relationship. Because they're both aggressive, power struggles between the two are sure to occur. While passion drives both, ensuring sexual chemistry, a long-term romantic relationship would be extremely difficult.

(why so many source talks about sexual stuff, -.-)
IKR. So complicated... sigh, but i'm determine to hold on to the r/s no matter how complicated or difficult it is. (L) If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

ILY, XOXO

Secretly, I wish you would see this and call me right now.
I'm keep wishing my phone would ring and the person calling was you.
I know I cannot talk to you right now. But.. :(
I miss you so freaking much although you make me cry all the time.

Your call just now when I was half asleep and don't know what I was muttering about, made me quite happy although I was woken up from my sleep. Although it's regarding work, nevertheless it's better than none at all. I miss you, and have no idea why I do. :(

I hope you are alright, and studying hard.
I don't want to go to sleep with tears, ILY (L)

I miss you, but there's nothing I could do about it.

A sudden memory came to my mind as I was browsing shoes.
Before we were together, last year, in P&T class, we were sitting next to each at the middle table. During lesson, I was browsing shoes online and showing you all the awesome nice shoes, then you showed me suits and other stuff.. and then the faci called you to answer some question i think? (cause you were distracted by me!) hahah.

Okay, such vivid memories. Random.

I usually don't bother remembering the past, least the little details.
But for you, the tiniest, simplest detail is vividly etched in my mind.

Beautiful memories..

林怡鹏 says:
i am protective of you
林怡鹏 says:
that's for sure
林怡鹏 says:
and i hate it when ppl come to you
林怡鹏 says:
esp guys
林怡鹏 says:
URGH
林怡鹏 says:
i just feeling like killing them

(L)

You make me smile (:

Hi, I'm very very very bored right now. I feel like going to sleep instead of studying because the weather's too good. Very rare to have such nice weather on a saturday (: I spent less than an hour reading through the slides and then i ended up browsing the web again. :\ Really boring nothing's going into my head I just keep reading the same sentence over and over again. -.- Oh, maybe i should continue doing the leftover entries of my logbook now. Then maybe try to study or go take a nap which would probably last till 6pm. D: I feel like baking but I can't find anything to bake or anything I feel like eating at the moment. Hmm..

I used to be the one making a mess in the kitchen baking so often, but now my sister has taken over. I'm too lazy and I'm not that free anymore to do such stuff :( Anyway, yesterday was the 2nd of July, it was our 6th, but it's the first time in 6 months our 2nd was so bad, i'm sorry. Honestly, I was looking forward to the 6th, but sigh. Things didn't turn out the way it should be. A broken heart, flu+fever didn't make things better. :(( Sigh, everything was just screwed up. Nevertheless, my love hasn't change one bit. I only love you more. (L)
Thankfully, my fever subsided and no more flu. I need to recover fully :(

I'm not going online at all today because I won't want to disturb/distract you.
+ I miss you very much.
++ I hope you're studying hard.
+++ Hugs and kisses xoxo