Corner Turned

I feel like I turned a corner Monday. First off, got a call about a placement. Said no. Another set of sisters, and two is definitely more than I can handle. One is pushing it some days, so I am still waiting. But there was something so hopeful about getting a call. The reminder that it could happen at any time. And that there are kids out there who desperately need a safe place to go. Some of the haze I felt like I had been living with seem to lift. Oh the power of a phone call.

Spent part of that night watching videos of #4 with the roommate. And I managed not to cry! Big day. She was so fun and funny toward the end. We have a lot of videos of her laughing and playing and they made me smile so much. Ready to have some more smiles and giggles around here. It's too quiet.

That phone call has kicked me into gear to get some things done around the house. There are some things that are just harder to do with a kid around, namely clean out my closet. It shares a wall with the baby room and so I never want to work on it while a kid is sleeping which is all of my available productive time when a kid is here. I think I've managed to get enough other things done that I MIGHT start on that tonight or tomorrow. Which will in turn lead to a huge Goodwill run. It's purge time y'all.

Still loving Holding onto Hope. I could blog daily about what I am reading. In fact, I'm almost done with the book part and am planning on re-reading the whole thing when I am done. It is that good. Coming from a girl who struggles to read non-fiction, that's about the highest praise you can get. I'm also working my way through Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman and doing my BSF daily for one of the first times ever. (Well, I've done two days when I was supposed to, but I have high hopes it will continue. :))

You know what the key was for me to get out of my funk and start doing what I knew would help - Dr. Pepper. You see I ran out of Dr. Pepper right after #4 left and avoided the grocery store for awhile. Once I had my caffeine to look forward to in the morning, it was so much easier for me to get up and do things. Still makes me shake my head a little, but I'm running with what works. (Got up at 10 today, but the DP while doing my Bible Study made it ok. Addicted much?)

I'll leave you with a couple of quotes from the Mystery chapter of Holding onto Hope:

Somehow I think that even if God listed all of the reasons he has allowed you to lose your loved one, develop the disease, or suffer the rejection, it still wouldn't seem worth it from your limited understanding and experience.

 and the follow up a couple of paragraphs later:

Like Job, we often cannot see the hidden purposes of God. Still, we can determine to be faithful and keep walking toward him in the darkness.

Our task is not to decipher exactly how all of life's pieces fit and what they all mean but to remain faithful and obedient to God, who knows all mysteries. That is the kind of faith that is pleasing to God - a faith that is determined to trust him when he has not answered all other questions, when we have not heard the voice from the whirlwind.

That is my goal in all of this - to have the kind of faith that trusts God when he hasn't answered my question of - for what purpose. For what purpose is this time of pain? For what purpose is this time of unemployment? Am I letting Him mold me to look more like Christ as I go through these days? I am excited to see what a beautiful picture it will be on the other side when He is done painting.

A week later

Another week has gone by and I still can't quite believe that it has been 2 weeks since #4 left. (As in I wrote that it was 3 weeks and had to look at a calendar to realize it's only been two.) In some ways I am doing so much better. I've only cried a couple of times this week. I'm not tired for the first time in 8 months. I am legitimately excited to see who #5 is going to be. I want my phone to ring with my agency calling me SO badly. In the meantime, I have learned a lot about myself over the last two weeks.

I thrive on structure. Rules, I love them. Responsibility, pile it on. My beaver, judging personality LOVES it. Right now I have NO structure in my life and I have discovered that I don't have the self discipline to force it upon myself. I have settled into a go to bed at 12 and get up at 10 routine, that I don't really enjoy, but don't have the strength to break myself out of without reason. I spend all day finding things to watch online. (I think I watched over 1/2 of the series Scrubs in the last three weeks.) I waste time and struggle with motivation. The funky sleep/wake schedule leads me to eat at funny times, which means I'm not eating as much and makes me worry that I am going to lose more weight that I don't have to lose at this point. (When life gets emotional, I don't get hungry. The fact I ate as much as I did right after #4 left was a gift straight from God.)

I avoid things that I'm afraid I will be bad at. I would rather not do something than fail at it. This makes finding a job difficult, I have not felt like I was "good" at a job since I left Pine Cove. Teaching was SO hard, and I did ok, but not great. And my last job I worked with amazing people, but it wasn't a good fit and I never felt like I was good at it. This fear of failure is attempting to paralyze me as I need to be looking for work.

Add to all of this - I'm still grieving. Crowds overwhelm me. (I'm introverted anyway, but this has taken me to a whole new level.) Having to repeat over and over again, no baby. My heart is broken. No job. Is. So. Hard. The adoption agency that did #4's adoption placement gave me a book about grieving that I have been slowly working my way through. (Holding onto Hope by Nancy Guthrie. It's amazing.). A section about worship says the following:

Even though they are so kind and caring, there is something inexplicably difficult about a crowd when you are grieving, isn't there? At times I've headed into the [church] building with completely conflicting feelings. Part of me can't stand the idea that perhaps no one will say anything about Hope, while another part of me dreads that so many people will say something to me about her.

Another section on tears says:

Even now I can't say I'm healed. Part of my heart is no longer mine. I gave it to Hope and she took it with her and I will forever feel that amputation. But embracing my grief means allowing it to do its work in me.

Speaking to my heart. I'm afraid people won't ask me about her. I'm afraid they will. A piece of my heart will always belong to this little girl, who thankfully is doing so well. I got my first update and, as I expected and prayed for, she has embraced her family whole-heartedly. Their journey to her was God-ordained and she fits and makes them a perfect family of 5. Random tidbit - I find it fun that she is the youngest of a family of 5, just like I am.

So there's the update a week later. Still resting in comfort from a God who sees every tear. Still crying out to him for guidance, wisdom, and strength. It's funny, you would think spending all this time waiting, it would become more comfortable. But it doesn't. Thankful for a God who sees and knows.

Grieving with Hope

Last night of snuggles

Hard to believe that it's been one week.  One week since precious, sweet #4 left my care to go live with her forever family. And one week since my heart shattered to pieces as she was carried out the door. It might sound a little bit dramatic. But that is what happened.

Yes, I knew it was coming.

Yes, her new family is PERFECT for her. (And a crazy fun story that will be told soon.)

Yes, I know she is safe, and loved, and cared for.

I knew all of these things, but my heart still broke. For 7 1/2 months, my life was this sweet little girl. We walked through sickness after sickness. Food allergies. Vomit. Tears. Laughter. Rolling. Crawling. Teething. Lack of sleep. She and I did all of this together. Until one week ago, she and I had never spent a night apart since she left the hospital. And my world still doesn't feel normal.

I've been through my normal fostering, they left, clean up. All the baby stuff is hidden away, the constant reminder that she is gone too hard to look at. I've made it through my first church service. (Crying the whole time, without kleenex.) Been shopping, eaten tons of junk food (Which does seem to help somehow). But I still ache to see her face. To snuggle her close one more time. I miss this little girl.

Her new family will send me updates once I'm ready. Which right now I'm not. Seeing her living life with another family is still too hard at the moment. Even if they are the family that God picked out for her. And they are.

Time and Jesus are great healers. One week is just beginning to scratch the surface of what it will take for my life to feel normal without #4 in it. As I was working on my BSF this past week, we studied Psalm 34. And the Lord reached his hand out to me with verse 18:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

So many ask how I am doing - and the best answer I can give is that I am grieving. Missing this precious little girl. However, I cry with hope. And grieve with hope. Knowing that while it hurts like none other, that I made the right decision for her.

Tuesday I felt like I found a bend in the road, not quite turning a corner, but it was a better day than all the previous days. The crying is becoming less. The hurting not quite as painful. And I can think about the next placement phone call and get a little bit excited. Knowing that when it comes, a new little one will need a safe haven. And I will get out all of the baby stuff. And pour myself into another little one again. And maybe this one will stay forever. And maybe not. This ministry I am so passionate about does not come easy. But through the Lord's strength you keep on going. And keep doing this thing that seems so impossible. Because most of all this fostering thing - it's not about me. It's about being obedient and giving these children a place to stay when they so desperately need it.

Please join me in praying for #4. That she will embrace her new family. Bond totally and quickly with them. That she will know that she is loved. And always has been. That she will grow up to be a woman that loves Jesus above all else. Thank you!

Hello, May!

Half way through May, y'all. When did that happen?!?

Since I last checked in -

• I have a 10 1/2 week old little girl. Seriously fun having #4 for 2 months now. I picked her up from the hospital 9 weeks ago today! I have LOVED getting to just be home with her and love on her. She has grown and changed so much.
• I've watched the entirety of Friday Night Lights. I actually finished awhile ago, but watched the series in just over two weeks. Val was right. It is fabulous and I'm pretty sure I want to be Tami Taylor.
• No job yet. And having been dealing with some health issues with #4, I'm beyond grateful for a healthy savings account. I'm feeling the "it's time" feeling about getting a new job, but not feeling financial strain yet. 
• Summer Lights, the new worship CD from Pine Cove, has been on almost non stop at my house since it was released May 1st. Need something to listen to while washing dishes? Summer Lights. Baby won't stop crying and you don't know what to do? Summer Lights. Tired of watching TV, because that's all you have done for the last 9 weeks? Summer Lights. You get the picture. And yes, it is that good. You should check it out. 
• Once Upon a Time - the TV show. Just finished the finale and oh my stars. I couldn't see how they could keep the show going without a definitive end point, and they just showed me. Here's hoping next season is as fabulous as this one.
• I turned 29. Fun friends. Fun picnic. Received the O.C Season 1 as a present. (Are you sensing a trend of TV watching here?) I'm officially starting to feel old.
• My last group meeting of BSF is tonight. I have loved getting to walk through the last months with these women. They have encouraged me and challenged me and loved on me. They have listened to all of my fostering woes and joys and tears. I am beyond grateful that I joined the group in November. God is so good!
• I have never been very good at small talk/ conversation. Since getting #4, my ability to discuss things that don't involve formula and poop has disintegrated to almost nothing. If you see me and I keep asking questions about your life, it is because it is infinitely more interesting than mine. Trust me on that one!

I think that is the bulk of the updates. Maybe I will blog more often in the coming days. Give me some things you want me to blog about! I am more than willing to do so, but often have a hard time coming up with ideas (see the last bullet point.) Now I'm off to wake up and feed a baby. Cuddle time sounds fabulous right now. :)

Blessings and Hardship

Sometimes it is hard to write out all that is going on. I am in the midst of a time of extreme blessing and extreme hardship. Ok extreme probably isn't the correct word, but seriously, it feels that way sometimes.

On March 12, a precious newborn little girl came to live at my house! My dream placement. Granted, I was nervous about working while not sleeping at night, but overall, I was OVERJOYED. Blessing y'all. Total blessing.

On March 14, I went to work expecting a normal day and was home by 10:30am, jobless. That's right. My employer needed to redirect my position, I wasn't a good fit, and therefore, I was let go. It was a mutual decision and probably best for me in the long run. However, there is nothing easy about losing one's job.

Blessing - I have gotten to stay at home and take care of this sweet baby girl for two weeks. It has been wonderful. Not to mention, getting up in the middle of the night is infinitely easier when you don't have to work the next day.

Hardship - I have NO idea what I should do with the rest of my life. I want this next career path to be one that can stick. I'm weary of the change every two years. I'm weary of going to work and not loving what I do. Being passionate about it. I know the Lord has good plans for me but I have no idea what they are.

Another single foster mom said this on her blog today and it hit me between the eyes:

"The truth is, for me your trials may be easier or harder, but they wouldn't make me look more like Christ.  And my trials might be easier or harder for you to handle, but that is not what will make you look more like Christ.  He is glorified in our weakness, so of course our trials are going to bring out what is weakest in us, but this is for our good. Our trials are specifically chosen for us by our Creator who knows what is best for us, in order that we may be perfect and complete lacking in nothing and that He may get the glory for it."


God is pushing me to look more like him. Thankfully, I have been wise financially, so I don't have to rush out and find a job RIGHT THIS SECOND. I have some time. However, I don't necessarily want to just sit around and do nothing. I have to take steps in the right direction. So I am going to have to start making some goals. Because life with a newborn makes it awfully easy to reach the end of the day and have done NOTHING other than feed, change and snuggle a baby. And while there is nothing wrong with that, it doesn't pay the bills or put food on the table when time runs out. 


May this trial make me more like Jesus. And may I move forward with finding what HE has for me today. And tomorrow. And forever.

On Saying No

Got a text yesterday:

"Would you consider taking sisters? 18 months old and 7 months old."

The heart thumping started. The response "Umm... thinking hard. Tell me more." Got some more info made a couple of phone calls (involving the phrase, "Am I crazy?") and felt clearly - the answer was no. Later that day I walked into my boss's office and said, "You'll be glad to know, there is a limit to my fostering craziness."

6 months ago, saying no to two little girls would have never crossed my mind. Then came the month of weekly (sometimes daily) doctor visits with placement #3. And through that experience I realized my limitations. Having two on a day-to-day, at my house/ in day care, we are all healthy basis doesn't overwhelm me. But when I think about dealing with two kiddos worth of appointments, I get queasy. And them passing the inevitable day care colds back and forth. Add to that finding day care for two. And babysitters who are approved AND don't already have enough kids that two puts them over the limit and I have to realize my limitations. I am doing this as a single, working girl. And as much as I want to do it all. I can't.

So I have almost 100% decided that I will only take one placement. The exception would come if there were two and one of them was non-mobile. Even then that would be pushing it. When I initially said no to placement #3, there was a feeling of utter disgust. A feeling of "this is the worst decision I have ever made. Ever." With this situation, none of that. More of a sense of relief that I didn't have two kids descending upon my house that evening. Several times last night, the roommate and I would look at each other and say - we didn't get two kids today! And sigh great sighs of relief.

Life shouldn't all be based on feelings, but at the same time it is nice when the feeling gets on board with the decision your brain and faith told you to make. I'm waiting patiently for the phone to ring and take me on my next adventure with #4. I will do respite for some kiddos along the way, and rejoice whenever the time comes for one who is here for longer. Another face in the fostering joy photo album. Another child who will forever live in my heart.

Here's to saying no, so that when I say yes, it is the best situation for me AND placement #4!

Complicated Brings Perspective

Things with #3 have gotten rather complicated. Between her being a voluntary placement, visits with a family member every other weekend and the fact she has been not sick for about 24 hours in the last month, I. Am. Weary.

#3 is such a joy. Y'all she is the cutest, sweetest, most precious little girl and I LOVE getting to spend time with her. I don't love the middle of the night wake up calls. The constant wondering if she is sick enough to go to the doctor or if we should just wait it out or how long she will be living at my house.

I have this feeling in my gut that #3 won't be with us much longer. And the more I learn about the situation, I don't think that is a bad thing. But my heart is already breaking at the thought of this precious little girl not being in my life anymore. (Let me be clear - No one at my agency or anywhere has said she will be leaving soon. It's just a feeling that I have, which could be entirely inaccurate.)

Yesterday I was struggling with the thought that she would possibly be leaving soon. One of my favorite places, Pine Cove, posted a verse on their Facebook page:

So trust him absolutely, people; 

lay your lives on the line for him. 

God is a safe place to be. 

Psalm 62:8 (The Message)

Talk about getting smacked between the eyes. Trust Him ABSOLUTELY. Was I really doing this with #3? 

Last night as we were up from 2:00-2:30am, instead of my usual longing to be asleep - I prayed. While I rocked this sweet little girl, I prayed for her family. For her life. For me to treasure every remaining second she is in my care. This morning as she was a total grump from not going to sleep quickly then being up in the middle of the night, I treasured every snuggle into my shoulder. And didn't feel my normal annoyance at having to pack my lunch, and get out the door while holding a clingy toddler. 

Complicated in this case brought me some bigger perspective. My days with #3 are numbered. My days in general are numbered. Am I making them count?

Right now I am soaking up every snuggle. Every giggle. Every "Nana" (As close as she can get to my name). Every please and cup of milk have become a treasure to be filed away and never forgotten. If you get a chance, can you join me in praying for #3? That everyone involved in her case would be granted wisdom. And that the best decision would be made for her. If that means leaving my care, that I will be ok with it. It if means she stays, that I will rejoice in each moment I have to train and teach her. Thank you dear friends!

Brokenness

Yesterday I posted the following status to my facebook page:

When you get slapped in the face with the brokenness of this world, your heart hurts. And I'm reminded - this is not my home.

It has been a wonderful 3 1/2 weeks with placement #3. She is a sweet, precious 15 month old and I have LOVED having her around. My life has been shifted into two segments - Thinks I can do while baby is awake and things I have to do while baby is asleep. She got a cold this past week and it was the saddest thing to see. She's slowly getting better, but I feel like we have a ways to go.

Found out on Wednesday that #3 was having a court date yesterday.  And the more I learned about the situation, the more I was struck with how broken this family is. My heart hurt for them. They all love #3 and want her to be a part of their lives, but how that should look is totally convoluted and twisted and hard. Something that should be a rock and guarantee - family - is not present in this case. And it made my heart ache.

I am so thankful for Jesus. For hope in the midst of pain. For knowing that He loves #3 AND HER FAMILY way more than I ever could. #3 is staying with me, for now. The situation was worked out to a great compromise for everyone involved. And now I'm just praying for Mom to finish getting her life together so #3 can go home.

Fostering opens your eyes to brokenness. You can't ignore it. Sometimes you get used to it and even calloused to it, but then days like yesterday come. And the callouses are torn off and removed. And your heart just aches for a world that is so lost. I wrote one of my friends - It makes me want Jesus to come back. So we can be done with all of this brokenness.

But until that day I will keep loving on these babies, and loving on these families as much as I can. With hope that my love will point them to a love SO much bigger than me. A love that will never leave them or forsake them. A love that will give them hope and peace. A Savior who will show them grace.

Because HE is the reason I hope. And trust. And can deal with the brokenness. Even when it makes my heart hurt.