Hard Parts of Fostering #1

There are obvious hard things with fostering - the leaving. The taking care of kids that aren't yours. The rules. But there are a few things that I feel like took me a little by surprise, so I thought I would post them here, for anyone who might be interested in fostering.

The first one is the waiting. You say yes to a placement call. Then you get to wait anywhere from hours to days for them to actually arrive. The anticipation is overwhelming. The hardest wait is after you say yes to the next call from the worker saying when they are coming or when to come get them.

The other waiting no one talks about is on court days. I haven't needed to go to court yet. Once God whispers to my heart - this is the one you are supposed to keep- I will go to court. But that hasn't happened yet. I have offered repeatedly on other cases to go to court if they think it would be helpful or needed, and the answer has always been no. But the day of court as you wait for the worker to call you, you wish you would have gone, because YOU JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. Is my life turning upside down? Is everything staying the same? Did the parents show? Not show?

So the waiting. It's hard and one of my least favorite things about fostering. Next up (when I get around to posting it) - the not knowing.

A Very Special Gift

#5 is back under my roof! She has been moved to some good friends of mine that will hopefully get to adopt her, but they had to go out of town and taking the baby that doesn't consistently sleep all night - and screams when she isn't sleeping - was not in the cards. They asked and I jumped at the chance. She and #6 are exactly 7 days apart. They are essentially twins.

My heart is full. Anytime I get any kind of updates on my previous kiddos it blesses me. I get to keep up with #4 through her mom's blog, instagram, and texts. She always wants to know what is going on with me and I know she prays for any kiddo I have. That relationship has been a huge blessing in my life.

I took one trip to the mall with both kids and while it was a complete success, the plan for the rest of our time is to stay at home. I have officially put on my yoga pants and have no intention of wearing anything but some form of yoga pants until Tuesday. We might take a walk if the weather is nice, but other than that, we are going to just spend quality time snuggling and eating and playing. (and hopefully sleeping, but I'm not holding my breath on that one.)

Ready to eat up these next few days. And make sure #5 hears over and over - I love you sweet girl. You may not live here anymore, but you will always be one of my babies!

On the Hard in Fostering

Today is Thursday - this means a visit at the next town over for #6. Normally. Two weeks ago his parents cancelled. Last week we had to cancel so we could leave for my sisters wedding. So this week I planned my entire Thursday around the drive, visit, and drive home. I still texted his caseworker to make sure we had a visit, and lo and behold, the parents cancelled. Three weeks without a visit. If I was in adoption mode with this little dude, my heart would be rejoicing. Instead it broke a little bit.

I loved not having to drive and lose half of our day. Him getting off of his schedule because of the car ride and not trusting his parents to feed him a bottle. (long story, and more than I can share here.) But the crux of the matter is that his parents aren't working their plan which means that there is a very real possibility that at the next court date at the beginning of April the judge will decide to move Little Man to an adoptive home. And my heart is already breaking.

#6 has been a total breath of fresh air. He is content. Eats well. Smiles. Laughs. SLEEPS! He has stolen my heart completely.

There are some other transitions that are about to happen in my life that I should be free to share in another couple of weeks, and the thought of losing him on top of the other change is almost more than I can think about. So I have to remind myself - God gives us the grace to deal with what we have to when we have to. #6 is not leaving right now. At a minimum I have another month with him. And it could be more depending on what the courts decide.

This is when the not knowing is so hard. And the no control is hard. And the fact I don't like change is hard. I'll start asking the case worker and CASA worker a little later in the month what they are going to recommend, but I'm already preparing my heart for what I am afraid they will say. I long for the day when God whispers to my heart - This is the one. The one you are supposed to keep forever. But until then, all I can do is be obedient and love on these kiddos til they go somewhere else.

Today I'm taking a deep breath. Snuggling Little Man a little bit closer. Treasuring each day and each moment. Which really, is what I should be doing all the time with all my kids. But sometimes things happen that make the fact he may not be here much longer that much more real. Here goes a month of treasuring the moments. Storing them up in my heart so they will not be forgotten. And loving this little man with everything in me til the day he leaves. Because above all the hurt and all the pain it will cause me in the end, that is what he needs. And that is what matters most.

A look back at 2012

The end of a year/ the beginning of a new one tends to bring a time of reflection. It has been a rather busy year around here in some respects and not in others. I have learned a ton and realized just how much I still have to learn.

Some highlights -

• Started the year with placement #3 and am ending with placement #6. Three babies and a toddler in the course of a year. No wonder I am so tired.

• Spent most of the year unemployed and taking care of placements 4-6. My time with placement 4 will always be something I truly treasure. I still miss that little girl and ache for her at times. Thankful that I can call her momma my friend and get updates on her regularly! But oh how I just want to wrap her in a big, huge hug. 

• Spent all of the spring hearing from the Lord about trials and suffering in BSF. Our teaching leader told us that there would be twins in this Christian life - Suffering and Comfort. Saw some of that come to fruition in my life. Realized how much I have grown in this area as I never felt the need to ask why. Just embraced it as something the Lord needed to see me through and walked. That doesn't mean it was easier, but just encouraging to know that I am taking baby steps forward.

• Started studying Genesis this fall. After a year of studying it in college, two years in Sunday School at GCC and now in BSF, I will be ready for a Genesis break after this. But I have learned a lot about where we as a people have come from and how intentional the Lord has been throughout history.

• Colorado Trip - Family + #4. Traveling with a 4 month old is not for the faint of heart. Traveling with a 4 month old with an ear infection - even worse.

• Both of my siblings got engaged! 2013 will be the year of the wedding in my family. That we are all over 30 and not married made this years holidays an adventure.  As in Christmas hasn't really happened yet. That will be this weekend.

• Spent my first Thanksgiving away from family due to #5 having a hospital stay. Tiny baby in the hospital is no fun. But she came home on Thanksgiving day and we had a very low key day full of snuggles.

I know there are more things, but these are the ones that come to mind. I spent the majority of this year alone. And for an introvert, that isn't a huge deal, but I realized recently how much of a recluse I have become. Hopefully in 2013 some of that will change as I work to redevelop relationships that I have let slide during an emotionally exhausting 2012. I'm going to spend some time this week thinking about what my focus for 2013 will be. A word. A theme. Some goals. Once those thoughts are more settled in my head and heart I hope to post them here.

Four sweet kiddos that will be in my heart forever. I wish I could show you their faces - but just know, they were/are all beautiful and precious!

Placement #3

Placement #4

Placement #5

Placement #6

Dad, Jen and I in Colorado

Corner Turned

I feel like I turned a corner Monday. First off, got a call about a placement. Said no. Another set of sisters, and two is definitely more than I can handle. One is pushing it some days, so I am still waiting. But there was something so hopeful about getting a call. The reminder that it could happen at any time. And that there are kids out there who desperately need a safe place to go. Some of the haze I felt like I had been living with seem to lift. Oh the power of a phone call.

Spent part of that night watching videos of #4 with the roommate. And I managed not to cry! Big day. She was so fun and funny toward the end. We have a lot of videos of her laughing and playing and they made me smile so much. Ready to have some more smiles and giggles around here. It's too quiet.

That phone call has kicked me into gear to get some things done around the house. There are some things that are just harder to do with a kid around, namely clean out my closet. It shares a wall with the baby room and so I never want to work on it while a kid is sleeping which is all of my available productive time when a kid is here. I think I've managed to get enough other things done that I MIGHT start on that tonight or tomorrow. Which will in turn lead to a huge Goodwill run. It's purge time y'all.

Still loving Holding onto Hope. I could blog daily about what I am reading. In fact, I'm almost done with the book part and am planning on re-reading the whole thing when I am done. It is that good. Coming from a girl who struggles to read non-fiction, that's about the highest praise you can get. I'm also working my way through Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman and doing my BSF daily for one of the first times ever. (Well, I've done two days when I was supposed to, but I have high hopes it will continue. :))

You know what the key was for me to get out of my funk and start doing what I knew would help - Dr. Pepper. You see I ran out of Dr. Pepper right after #4 left and avoided the grocery store for awhile. Once I had my caffeine to look forward to in the morning, it was so much easier for me to get up and do things. Still makes me shake my head a little, but I'm running with what works. (Got up at 10 today, but the DP while doing my Bible Study made it ok. Addicted much?)

I'll leave you with a couple of quotes from the Mystery chapter of Holding onto Hope:

Somehow I think that even if God listed all of the reasons he has allowed you to lose your loved one, develop the disease, or suffer the rejection, it still wouldn't seem worth it from your limited understanding and experience.

 and the follow up a couple of paragraphs later:

Like Job, we often cannot see the hidden purposes of God. Still, we can determine to be faithful and keep walking toward him in the darkness.

Our task is not to decipher exactly how all of life's pieces fit and what they all mean but to remain faithful and obedient to God, who knows all mysteries. That is the kind of faith that is pleasing to God - a faith that is determined to trust him when he has not answered all other questions, when we have not heard the voice from the whirlwind.

That is my goal in all of this - to have the kind of faith that trusts God when he hasn't answered my question of - for what purpose. For what purpose is this time of pain? For what purpose is this time of unemployment? Am I letting Him mold me to look more like Christ as I go through these days? I am excited to see what a beautiful picture it will be on the other side when He is done painting.

A week later

Another week has gone by and I still can't quite believe that it has been 2 weeks since #4 left. (As in I wrote that it was 3 weeks and had to look at a calendar to realize it's only been two.) In some ways I am doing so much better. I've only cried a couple of times this week. I'm not tired for the first time in 8 months. I am legitimately excited to see who #5 is going to be. I want my phone to ring with my agency calling me SO badly. In the meantime, I have learned a lot about myself over the last two weeks.

I thrive on structure. Rules, I love them. Responsibility, pile it on. My beaver, judging personality LOVES it. Right now I have NO structure in my life and I have discovered that I don't have the self discipline to force it upon myself. I have settled into a go to bed at 12 and get up at 10 routine, that I don't really enjoy, but don't have the strength to break myself out of without reason. I spend all day finding things to watch online. (I think I watched over 1/2 of the series Scrubs in the last three weeks.) I waste time and struggle with motivation. The funky sleep/wake schedule leads me to eat at funny times, which means I'm not eating as much and makes me worry that I am going to lose more weight that I don't have to lose at this point. (When life gets emotional, I don't get hungry. The fact I ate as much as I did right after #4 left was a gift straight from God.)

I avoid things that I'm afraid I will be bad at. I would rather not do something than fail at it. This makes finding a job difficult, I have not felt like I was "good" at a job since I left Pine Cove. Teaching was SO hard, and I did ok, but not great. And my last job I worked with amazing people, but it wasn't a good fit and I never felt like I was good at it. This fear of failure is attempting to paralyze me as I need to be looking for work.

Add to all of this - I'm still grieving. Crowds overwhelm me. (I'm introverted anyway, but this has taken me to a whole new level.) Having to repeat over and over again, no baby. My heart is broken. No job. Is. So. Hard. The adoption agency that did #4's adoption placement gave me a book about grieving that I have been slowly working my way through. (Holding onto Hope by Nancy Guthrie. It's amazing.). A section about worship says the following:

Even though they are so kind and caring, there is something inexplicably difficult about a crowd when you are grieving, isn't there? At times I've headed into the [church] building with completely conflicting feelings. Part of me can't stand the idea that perhaps no one will say anything about Hope, while another part of me dreads that so many people will say something to me about her.

Another section on tears says:

Even now I can't say I'm healed. Part of my heart is no longer mine. I gave it to Hope and she took it with her and I will forever feel that amputation. But embracing my grief means allowing it to do its work in me.

Speaking to my heart. I'm afraid people won't ask me about her. I'm afraid they will. A piece of my heart will always belong to this little girl, who thankfully is doing so well. I got my first update and, as I expected and prayed for, she has embraced her family whole-heartedly. Their journey to her was God-ordained and she fits and makes them a perfect family of 5. Random tidbit - I find it fun that she is the youngest of a family of 5, just like I am.

So there's the update a week later. Still resting in comfort from a God who sees every tear. Still crying out to him for guidance, wisdom, and strength. It's funny, you would think spending all this time waiting, it would become more comfortable. But it doesn't. Thankful for a God who sees and knows.

Grieving with Hope

Last night of snuggles

Hard to believe that it's been one week.  One week since precious, sweet #4 left my care to go live with her forever family. And one week since my heart shattered to pieces as she was carried out the door. It might sound a little bit dramatic. But that is what happened.

Yes, I knew it was coming.

Yes, her new family is PERFECT for her. (And a crazy fun story that will be told soon.)

Yes, I know she is safe, and loved, and cared for.

I knew all of these things, but my heart still broke. For 7 1/2 months, my life was this sweet little girl. We walked through sickness after sickness. Food allergies. Vomit. Tears. Laughter. Rolling. Crawling. Teething. Lack of sleep. She and I did all of this together. Until one week ago, she and I had never spent a night apart since she left the hospital. And my world still doesn't feel normal.

I've been through my normal fostering, they left, clean up. All the baby stuff is hidden away, the constant reminder that she is gone too hard to look at. I've made it through my first church service. (Crying the whole time, without kleenex.) Been shopping, eaten tons of junk food (Which does seem to help somehow). But I still ache to see her face. To snuggle her close one more time. I miss this little girl.

Her new family will send me updates once I'm ready. Which right now I'm not. Seeing her living life with another family is still too hard at the moment. Even if they are the family that God picked out for her. And they are.

Time and Jesus are great healers. One week is just beginning to scratch the surface of what it will take for my life to feel normal without #4 in it. As I was working on my BSF this past week, we studied Psalm 34. And the Lord reached his hand out to me with verse 18:

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

So many ask how I am doing - and the best answer I can give is that I am grieving. Missing this precious little girl. However, I cry with hope. And grieve with hope. Knowing that while it hurts like none other, that I made the right decision for her.

Tuesday I felt like I found a bend in the road, not quite turning a corner, but it was a better day than all the previous days. The crying is becoming less. The hurting not quite as painful. And I can think about the next placement phone call and get a little bit excited. Knowing that when it comes, a new little one will need a safe haven. And I will get out all of the baby stuff. And pour myself into another little one again. And maybe this one will stay forever. And maybe not. This ministry I am so passionate about does not come easy. But through the Lord's strength you keep on going. And keep doing this thing that seems so impossible. Because most of all this fostering thing - it's not about me. It's about being obedient and giving these children a place to stay when they so desperately need it.

Please join me in praying for #4. That she will embrace her new family. Bond totally and quickly with them. That she will know that she is loved. And always has been. That she will grow up to be a woman that loves Jesus above all else. Thank you!