Sunday, February 12, 2012
♥ 12:41 AM
I want my father back. I want the old him. I want back the past.
It certainly doesn't feel good to call your own dad 'crazy'; nor it is good to hear people call your dad 'crazy'. Don't understand why things have to come to this stage. It hurts to see being restricted to do things that you were able to in the past. Things have already come to a stage where I am immune and have already adapted/ got used to his crazy rules. While I keep telling my closed ones about you, it hurts when I say it all out. It made me think back what we used to be when you weren't that crazy. While believing can be good to you, to us, but I can't help but hate it when you dedicate most of your time there. It hurt me to see us being estranged with other relatives. It hurt a lot of people, left them wondering what happened. I don't know, we don't know what's the reason behind everything you've done but we surely know you've changed.. To a man we don't know, to a man we don't recognize. To hear from other people that you don't favor girls hurts, especially when the person is your own flesh and blood. To see how much you've changed, is disappointing. I thought everything is supposed to be all good but it affects me in a way or another. I may appear that I don't care, but trust me, hearing all those still affects me. And I think it also affects the people who loved and cared about you...
Labels: For my D.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
♥ 1:38 AM
Tiring day but so happy b made my day despite the quarrel we had few days back.
It is tiring to chiong the projects and it is my first time staying back until SO late in school. I didn't expect him to readily say he will come fetch me but I was really quite nervous when he said he's coming out. All the way to Clementi for me. Touched~~~ The moment when I knew I got off at the wrong stop, he didn't scold me but just told me to wait there awwww. Haha, was expecting something else from you b. :P Anw, my heart raced just like how the times we used to talk on the phone for hours. That feeling, although long lost, but felt great for the very few minutes and I'm loving it wahaha.
So eventful that I just had to blog it down to serve as part of my memory. ^^
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
♥ 12:38 AM
getting it off
Feeling very down; I don't know why but recently i keep feeling very dejected. Probably because school is very stressed up and there are no channels for me to vent it out, also because of this relationship.
This is one side of the story and it is probably me who is feeling this way but what happened tonight was totally the last straw. It really made me rethink "is this really it?".
I always emphasize that whatever you can't deliver, you shouldn't say it out, much less mention it to the one who take it a big deal. Certain things have been repeated over and over again for these past four years and it is happening again and again, non-stop. It has become a point where I stopped talking, stopping pouring my everything out to you.. Become a point where I only listened. Have you noticed? The reason why is probably because I feel that you don't care about what I say. You don't register it in you. Either that, or you totally don't know how to react to it/ or you totally don't reach what I had expected you to react. How am i supposed to carry on not knowing if you've been listening and registering or not. How to continue bearing all my stuffs out to someone who gives you the impression of "I-don't-care"? It is very hard and I've since stopped doing that. I tweet, I cry, I poured my heart out to someone else. Do you know? You know nothing. I know this is selfish of me but sometimes i was hoping you could shower some attention of yours on me. Not when we're physically meeting up together, but also spiritually, mentally. How exhausting can this be when I only feel that I'm putting in efforts that you probably could have been putting in too but im sorry, I can't really feel it.
I certainly hate to say this but things have changed 180 degrees ever since you came out from the army. I know I have been telling you these until we both got sick of it, but I still have to say that I think things are really different. The way you treat me, the way we do things, are so much different. The daily night calls stopped, the sweet nothings stopped too. When asked why, you would always say "we're already too "old" for this." But however old this relationship is, I still want some sparks. Yes, there may be sometimes with the occasional surprises and stuffs. But I still feel something lacking. Maybe my expectations are a bit higher. Maybe I should stop comparing our rs to others. But i still cant think of why we're different. We behave perfectly normal when we're meeting but then it's totally a different thing when we're not. And maybe this is the main problem.
Maybe i'm one who constantly needs a little attention, a little jealousy, a little concern from you. Occasional sometimes does wonders; because it makes me feel blessed, thinking that "hey, you still care." and not just the plain old routine. Tell me, what are things do you know other than me telling you my schedule? Do you know what happened in school? What my friends and I talk about? What I dislike about certain people? You don't know, because I stopped telling you.
Tonight was a real disappointment; which brings me back to the main reason why I feel so down and the reason why I said don't deliver promises when you can't fulfill it. You very well know about me disliking empty promises, i mean, who LIKES it anyway? NO ONE. How demoralising can one feel when they've gotten all mood up just so they are looking forward to meeting you only to have their hopes dashed because you said you might not be able to make it. While it is good to be filial, but then again, you've already promised. Don't freaking tell me "we still can meet other day" when there aren't much days left in the week. How many times do we meet up? max 3hours per week, with no calls, not much communication, no sharing. Do you really think this would work in the long run? Sorry to say but I personally don't think this would work well. I feel that if we don't put in more effort in running this, we will be broken..
I don't know if you would read this but i highly doubt so since you're ever so busy. It's not your fault to be busy but I just can't take it any longer. I need to vent. I need to rant. I need to getaway from all the shit. NOW NOW NOW. Perhaps what I just need is a good shoulder, and a big cry; Bawl all my eyes out...
But if you're reading this, remember, Don't make me feel that way again. because it FREAKING SUCKS TO FEEL THIS WAY.
Labels: Rants
