April 1st 2011. It really has been a long time. It's been buried under, stashed away at a corner that it is barely visible. 

Why does it have to feel so raw again? Why am I feeling every single emotion from that very day again when I can barely remember anything from yesterday? I don't even have the proper words to describe how I'm feeling. I don't understand why I am so affected. 

April 1st 2011. Stop bringing me back to that day. 
I'll sleep it off and come back again. 

It has been awhile since you appeared in my dreams again. Twice now, thus I'm here. Knowing you'll be here one day and it'll never be too late for closure.

Because I've said your name without a lump in my throat, nor tears in the eyes. Even though, I know I keep looking back, and I know I will from time to time, I'm still moving forward. Unfortunately, forward and further away from you now. I wish I could share all these happiness with you, as you were once my forever friend and my best friend. 

You'll always have a part of me. And I'll always wish the best for you. I'm happy at where I am, and where I will be. I think we both are ready to say our final goodbyes - without regrets, without tears, without resentment and without the hope for each other. This is the type of goodbye that I have always been wishing for. 

Goodbye, puggle pugs. 

He, has left. My dad has left. I'm okay, I really am. I grew up learning that when someone decides to get out of your life, you let them go. Recently, I feel I've been walking out of many people's lives - weeding the toxic relationships I have. Unfortunately, one of them is my dad. I'm logical (I hope), but my mum is definitely not. So it hurts to see her being in this emotional turmoil. I don't know why, but I keep getting nightmares recently. Of my dad. The abusive and toxic person he is. I'm a tad relieved he left. 

I'm at a crossroad in my career. I haven't decided what's best for me. I wish someone could tell me which road is for me. I have gotten tired of trying to explain to others exactly how tiring this is for me. But I also can't guarantee the alternative is a better path. Exhausting, tiring, or even to the extent of debilitating I must say. 

I keep looking back, but I'm still walking forward. 

Sometimes it's funny how life turns out to be.

My first baby that I brought home and called her mine. I lost her to the battle of seizures. Scenarios replayed over and over again. Thinking whether if I did something earlier, that it will help everything. Dealing with death is never easy. Dealing with a sudden death is really difficult. She was my responsibility. And I failed her. I miss her very much. I miss you, big nose.

I always thought what it was like to grow up without him. Whether or not what others say about single family child is true. I wish she was stronger, I wish she was as strong as I thought she was. In my 27 years of life, she brought me up teaching me to be independent. To know when to let go of things when you pick them up (it sounds so much better in Chinese). I'm a tad bit disappointed. And yet I'm still trying to give her what she wants but may not necessary deserve. Hoping that things will remain the same as before is always a big mistake.

I no longer find joy in the big part of what I do with my life. Definitely burdened by the repeated failures and the confidence is bruised. A big part of me is no longer (or maybe never) motivated to continue on this journey and maybe want an out. But I'm not entirely sure what I'm getting myself into. I know I want the easy way out - and that is to quit, though it may not be right.

I'm getting a little tired of life.

I need an exit.

An exit.