im here looking through my old lab books,
trying to figure out what i can put into my thesis so i can finish up,
and i cant help but feel so empty.
there was a point in time where i was so engaged,
so enthusiastic and so ready to tackle whatever was ahead of me,
it's not that i am bitter or anything,
but there was a time when i was doing the things i am doing now because i really loved it,
free of justifications, free of doubts about where i stand.
that was such a great time.
correction, it was fantastic.

i wasnt bothered with politics,
i didnt need to publish in the best journals,
i didnt need to think about my future as a dog fight.
i really, truly enjoyed what i did,
i truly wanted to help the world in however little way i could.

i cant figure out at which point that actually changed.
where i actually minded the fact that i werent in papers where i thought i should have been,
where i started to think more about how i was going to survive in this battle.
i started to forget my basics,
i started losing who i was.

ive made the decision to move on,
to move out of this area,
because i cant tolerate who i am becoming, in part.
i was also told yesterday that once your contributions are no longer valued,
it's time to move on.
and that's also had a big role in my decision to move on.
people forget easily,
but i dont want to be that person to forget,
so i am choosing to move on.

i want to be the person who smiles again at the small things in life.

it's been a while since i've written…
many things have happened, most happy, some upsetting..
but more importantly, i've been feeling this urge to just finish up…

i recently learnt a proverb:
직업의 목표는 높게 가지되 마음은 겸손하기를 유지하라
and that's to aim high in your career, but stay humble in your heart.

i would love to say that that's what i stand for and believe in,
but things that happen around me threaten the feasibility of this idea.
people are shrewd, and nasty, when it comes to power.
more importantly, people are greedy.

i've asked myself this many times now,
do i really want to stay in this line of work,
where black and white are blurred,
relationships are manipulated, 
trust is broken,
for a dangling piece of carrot.

im so desperate to be shown that it doesn't have to be like that.
that people around me aren't like that.
but every time i just get shown that being nice won't get you anywhere.

im not a pushover,
but i choose to yield.

in a way, I'm really afraid.
I'm really afraid that I'm going to become like that.
i don't want to, because at the end of the day, it's just a job. 

sometimes, i feel like i just don't have anymore to give.
whenever i feel that,
i just keep telling myself to push on.
2 years in, it's almost hard to convince myself that i can do it for another 2.
it's an internal struggle and i feel like there's really no one to talk to about.
everyone I've tried to talk to just tells me that i just have to keep pushing,
that I'm good enough to finish and the end is in sight.

i try to tell myself that too,
and i try and keep my raw emotions under wraps,
but it's so hard.
it's really so hard.
i keep thinking about what i will get at the end of it,
but i have been struggling,
and the end may never be quite enough,
to pull me out of this sinkhole.

it's so toxic.
what should i do?