I'm just looking back on my posts a couple of months back.
and how I've come so far.

someone described me as floating.

floating along and not caring.
and its true.
I've taken less notice of the things around me,
the people around me,
the happenings around me.

done things when i want to do them,
met people whom i want to meet with.
and it's all panning out.

my life,
without the drama,
though not rosy and charming,
is at least peaceful (:

you make a change,
it works,
you stick with it.

and whilst my changes have been drastic,
filtering people and things completely out of my life,
i feel like ive made progress.

i guess when you take a back seat,
it's really not hard to realise who are the people that really matter.
and who are the ones who make it so damned hard.

it's one step at a time.
and im beginning to realise,
that no one,
no one should ever be able to control who i am.

 和你不瞅不睬最终只会成为敌人,
it's so true.
but it really helps.

sometimes it's like a wakeup call. to remind you that everything around you, happens for a reason. i kept telling myself, just one more time. and everytime i make that step, i get that de javu feeling that reminds me of how you're just the same. and whilst that makes me feel crap at that point, i know it's just going to help.

it's the torture i put myself through. to remind me that if i feel the pain, i'll never let myself do it again. so now, i think i can just say no. and stick to it.

well,
you either never quite get over some things,
or you never ever want to get over them.

beneath this strong facade,
is this vulnerability that i can't explain.
maybe because i don't even want to explain.

but sometimes i hate myself,
for not letting anyone see this vulnerability.
it's killing me, bit by bit.

im not that strong.
and i want to stop pretending that I'm strong.
i just want people to know what i really think.

it's a barrier,
i'll have to learn to pass.

so, im rattled.
maybe that's enough to say, enough.
enough, clara.
stop mulling over it.

its the part i struggle the most with,
but that's not a good enough excuse.
clara, you're better than that.

today i wrote to the people that meant most to me,
people i always want to keep in my life,
and that was a wonderful feeling (:

i hope they can feel my love from me to them (:

crumbled.
i knew this day would come.
i know im really close to giving up,
and im not usually like this.

the truth is,
it's really really hurting.so maybe it's time to go.
maybe it's time to really give up.

i guess the good thing about having horrible neighbours
that holler at 3.30 in the morning,
is that it gives me a lot of time to reflect.

reflect on things that sometimes i don't want to.
I've been thinking about the things that have happened.
how things have changed,
not even over any significant length of time.

and it just leaves me to think,
you're not any different from what i thought you to be.
i tried to believe that you might be,
but really. why should i be surprised that you aren't.

it's almost an unhealthy obsession for me right now.
and i need to walk away.
i've now convinced myself that you're not worth my time and energy,
so instead of saying things in spite,
I'm just going to slip away.

it was good while it lasted.
but adios, my friend.

i spent last night pondering.
and, solution?
im not going to let anyone rule my actions.
and that's because of the pride i have.

it's over.

only two reasons,
should it matter?

do i now scream,
de javu.

because i ran into a situation,
had a look at it,
and tried to run away.

fight or flight.
obviously choosing the easier.
i wished i could set my pride aside,
and tell you how much i love you.
so that we could see each other for who we really are.

i said yesterday,
the day you said it,
would be the day i showed my emotional vulnerability.
but i dont have to worry, do i?
because that day will not happen.

despite saying this in spite and anger,
i had a moment today.
what if i lost you forever,
and never got the chance to say i love you?

now's not the right moment.
and i dont know when is.
but all i can say is,
when im prepared,
i'll tell you how much i really care.
so we can make things right.

baby steps,
im going to take baby steps.
to change things.
we both know that it's going to take time,
so wait for me.

de javu. and not in a good way.

most days i wake feeling empty, but this week has been particularly bad. so how much more can i thank an old friend, arm in arm with our chianti classico, for making it right again. (:

walk away, now. i say, now.

in the process of building a fortress, so i don't get hurt ever again. this time, higher, stronger and bigger than before.

stand up, walk away.

point the obvious out to me, please.

can't believe you just called me that.

it's funny how i only start to write when I'm upset over something. i dont understand, why we quarrel. why do we quarrel over nothing? i wish i could just walk away, and not have to ever deal with it. we need to move on. that's all.

it's a horrible feeling. I'm just breaking under the weight. it took me so long to realise what the matter was. now that i know what it is, how do i actually confront it? really, it's my first month in, surely i shouldn be feeling like this. its a downward spiral. and more awful than i thought it would ever get. i hate this.

every year it gets harder and harder.
the longer i stay, the more i feel detached.

note to self: a 2 week break is sufficient,
any longer and i fear for my sanity.

wants to go home.

so i always thought that you should see the better side of a person,
and start with some sort of trust.
but of course.
it doesn't work that way.

a person who looks and smiles at you everyday,
can be the person with the craftiest plots.
and i mean fraudulent activities.

you conniving, devious piece of thrash.
now, I'm going to have to look at all of your kind,
as creatures not worth my time.

today was spring cleaning day in the household.
and by definition,
anything that hasn't been touched for more than 4 years has to go.

well, my rule anyway.
which essentially means, i cannot almost throw out my entire room.

so, anyway.
i found some cds that had really old photos.
photos, that i thought i had erased out of my memories.

and then i flicked through them.
and i felt pain.
a whole heap of pain that i didn't know existed.
or rather, i thought had gone away.

funny how the brain works.
it's been years and years.
but yet. it refuses to completely forget how much tears were shed,
how ignorant i was,
or how naive i could be.

well,
i trigger the pain today,
but wake up happy to know that they're all just memories (: