hello world.
it's almost the new years and i should write something.
for those who have not heard,
my year has ended with a bang.

i think life has seen how mean it was to me the entire year,
and has rewarded me with the best things i could ever ask for,
namely my scholarships and my state sponsorship (: (:

so, happy boxing day to all
and have a very very good year ahead.

first weekend to relaxxx,
and not have to worry about anything (:

and the feeling is a-mazing.
i have almost forgotten how it feels to wake up and go,
ahhh... there's nothing to do today (:

really, there issnt (:

you ask for it, dont you.
now your eyes are swollen and puffy,
and you cant get out of the bed.

you'd think that any normal work places,
it'd be empty after 5.

it's obviously very different here.
it's 12 in the morning,
and i would have met at least 5 people in the building.

i think we have a crazy life.

i browsed an older blog that i used to keep.

many years ago,
i used to have different priorities.
what used to make me upset,
no longer does.

importantly, friendships that i used to treasure,
are no longer present.
it doesnt hurt me anymore,
but on looking back,
i finally understand what we mean by
no matter how much we try, friendships never last.

and more recently,
i read this (i quoted a quote from someone else):

"absolutely made my day,
"cause after everything, at the end of the day,
i'll always know that at least there's one person who'll give me
glow in the dark *" "

and you know what, glow in the dark STILL sits in my wallet (:
perhaps nothing can ever replace the position you have.

all i can do, is appreciate what i used to have.

it triggered all that pain in my heart,
that i thought i buried many years ago.

it really really hurts x(

so ive wondered enough,
and now im just fucking pissed off.

ive had enough of fucking plans that are never seen through.
seriously.
i could do better things than plan for stuff that are never done.
or sit and wait for things that don happen.

im not game for spontaneity.
especially when it ruins my routine.
so ive had enough.

i write myself this post to remind myself,
never to fall prey to it.

fuck off.

well. because i spent the whole night procrastinating,
i ended up making this figure.

this, really is to remind me that i have a thesis to write.

i feel so bad that i just want to shatter and cry my heart out.
but you know what,
the tears arent rolling.

i feel so horrible that i just want to throw up.
i just want this to end x(

i dont know if i can do this for very much longer.

im fucking exhausted.
i really am.

i feel myself breaking down.
it's a horrible feeling.

so stop expecting things, everyone.
just fucking leave me alone.

just put together some of my IFA slides.
and really.

ive got crossed eyes looking through 0.2 micron slides.
and looking down in the scope for the whole day looking at fluorescently green and red and blue meros,
are not fun at all.

it really makes me sea sick x(
and when i caught a cab home tonight,
i nearly threw up when i saw all the traffic lights coming at me x(

microscope = dislike.

sitting in the living room,
with this heavy feeling in my head.
x(

i thought the hangover was gone.
whyyyy.

i know i don treat you well, head.
but just let me be.
stop fussing!

x( x(

im suffering so much,
i've risen to misery nirvana.

-happy smile-

just made some orange chiffon cake and otak.
and omg, they're so awesome (: (:

my chiffon needs more zest, but so so so so fluffy (: (:
YUMS.

says, after a really really long weekend,
i made it to vic mart to get some all asian grocery.
and i wasnt sure i would get them.

but wow,
i have a renewed perspective of what vic mart has to offer.
from candlenuts to banana leaves, to tamarind, to galangal and betel leaves.
who'd have thought?

for now,
i just want to savour my fare (:

how do you tell someone to just go away,
politely?

i really am not the kind of person,
who needs gentle persuasion to pick myself up.
the more you kick me,
the more i pick myself and go.

maybe i just go against the flow.
and today i just got very very annoyed.

because obviously,
i had a look that said,
go away, this is not a convenient time.

and really,
i shouldn be so pissed.
but ive had a very long day,
and draining one.

the last thing i want to do,
is to have multiple meetings on my failed experiments.
really.

im just angry. leave me alone.

communication,
fucking communication.

can you fucking listen to me?
stop getting me to do freaking useless shit.

i've had a very tough month.
be it work or not.

and i feel almost like ive let down alot of people in my life.
sometimes i reflect on what ive become,
and sometimes i realise im putting all these unnecessary stress on myself,
that it really shouldn be like that.

but then,
i know i'll break down if i took the accelerator off.
so i have no choice,
but to keep hitting the gas.

im sorry guys,
im trying my best,
im really trying.

what have you reduced yourself into?
why cant you just stand up for youself for once,
and say that you really don want to do it.

x(

i had a really angry swim today.
it's just something that has been left brewing in me for a while now.
and i felt like i just needed to let it all out.

so.
i don find it very nice at all when people question why i do certain things, or not
for that matter of fact,
hear that scoff.
watch me cringe.
and think,
what an arrogant bastard.

so you have this ideal image in your mind, eh?
tell me when you actually get to that stage
and whether you actually manage to uphold that ideal.

ideals,
you know what?
i have them too.

at least i am at a stage where i am trying to realize them.
and look at you,
you're nothing.

- back at you -

i just wished i could fly to the west end,
to watch ramin karimloo as the phantom in love never dies.

the melbourne phantom was really good,
but ramin karimloo is awesome.

this staying here till an ungodly hour situation has to change.
soon, i hope.
it's panning out to be extremely long day for me today.

if i even get home before 11,
i would be smiling at the time gods.

this,
really is draining the life out of me.

i haven watched offspring for a long long time.
and i was just so intrigued by it,
de javu no?

but anyway.
was almost hallucinating and beaming like there was no tomorrow yesterday,
without any actual reason for doing so,
except perhaps you actually did make my day.

and today,
i am struggling to wake up
and go for my all too early meeting,
for which i have no results to present.

i live on yesterday's high.

ive almost become this maniac that checks my work email every hour,
weekday, or not.
x(

all because im waiting on two very very very important emails.
write to me,
write to me!

or this craziness with the email checking will not leave x(

this has been the most amazing day,
and im slowing starting to feel the amazement (: (:

so, in my very very short science career,
today is the day,
i can finally say,
my dear protein has crystallised (: (: (:

when we were taking photos of them,
i was almost feeling an impulse need to say:
smile guys, smile my little babies.

i dont think anything can ruin my mood for a while
or any crazy amount of work will make me whinge.
i've seen the results,
and i feel a million bucks.

was struggling to play it down at work,
because i don want the hoo-ha going,
and realise at the end,
it might not be the crystal i want.
but deep down,
im beaming like there's no tomorrow.

this has to be the most satisfying day,
by a mile, in a long long time (: (:

im just so tired x(
i cannot believe i say this everytime i get a rest, but there's never enough rest,
is there?

and issues,
just issues.
mum's probably right.
i do things without thinking about the consequences and live to regret it.
ive almost turned the calendar back two years to the exact same situation.
but she also said let it go,
but i think she forgets that if i do let it go,
it'll just turn nasty.
i have this uncanny ability to ruin it out of pleasure.

and what makes it worse is that:
there's this stark proclaimed righteousness going on,
that i possibly cannot comprehend.
i think i should learn from such situations,
and stop being the fool that does it out of goodwill.

ahhh,
monday it is.
let us leave this aside and start the week new.

so i feel i should say something about this,

after our conversation on wed,
i feel like im madly intrigued by your past,
and i really want to know.
is this wrong?

woww.
i dont think i would have realised how exhausted i really was...
so, it's my first weekend at home after, 10 weeks?
i have slept the weekend away.
and im still tired.

i need to slow down.
i really do.
and easter couldn have come at a better time.

i spent the whole morning thinking about some stuff that has been happening that i haven had time to think about,
but was just feeling so frustrated about.
and i finally understood why i was feeling all these, emotions.
i dont like it when people assume that im close to them
and they get to invade into my life.
i like to keep what's mine, mine.
im selfish like that,
and i get really annoyed when people assume things.
and the worse thing is,
i dont know how to say it.

i hope it all goes away.

so,
im exhausted beyond the point of exhaustion.
and all i want to do,
is to sleep for days on end.

so if i just disappear,
let me be.

i really am tired.
and no,
i do not want to go out.

it's really strange for me to say this after my angsty post,
BUT.

when i said fuck you,
i couldn help but start singing cee lo green's fuck you.

this is almost hilarious...

so, i cant believe i had this conversation with sam like 2 hours ago.
and now,
you acting like a fucking bastard.

you know what.
fuck you.

i shouldn give a damn,
and i wont.
don't expect me to be there for you.

will not happen.

so.
have not blogged for a long time.
and it's really because ive been busy.
havent had the time to think about other stuff.

but i was just sitting in the spa today and had a long thought about things that have been happening.
they happen for a reason, dont they?
just that this situation is like deja vu.
and im all too clear about how it will end.

but see,
im not doing anything to change it.
and is that my fault?

my conclusion:

my current life is going at two times it's normal pace,
not by choice.
but everything else that happens has to catch up,
or just fall behind and become forgotten.

been into work for the past two days,
to the rest of the world,
it's called the weekend,
but for us,
it's really just another day in this glass box.

x(

i think having guests really reassures the fact that i cannot live with another human being.

but really,
can you not see that your cherry is still in the sink?
or that the food scraps that have not been washed off on my WHITE dishes?

im not being THAT fussy...
really.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
really,
i don like to clean up after people.

and so.
we've known each other for a long time now.
so yes,
it sometimes scares me that we only have that few photos together.

i shouldn measure our relationship based on how many photos we take,
but im just saying,
it's almost strange.

you know,
i always just thought..
ahhh.
it's honours.
it's away from uni.
it's away from studying.

but this,
this is really scary x(
when you start to read up on your project,
when you start receiving orientation mails.

this is freaking me out.
and i haven even started.

every year i come back around this time of the year.
the trips get shorter,
but really.

i cant actually describe what i feel.
it's as though i've established myself,
and im starting to find that it's so hard,
it's getting so hard to come back,
even for those few weeks.
but yet at the same time,
i feel obliged to need to fly back.

it's this weird feeling,
i cant comprehend,
much less explain.

maybe it's just this expectation,
of having your own life as you get older.
this, you can take care of yourself overseas,
so you should here too.
and the, i've got my life while you're away,
so you should have to find your life here too.

it's like home,
but not like home anymore.

can someone just tell me what's going on?

should i seriously consider letting go of everything?