i don think i can ever get,
how you justify losing all your friends,
because they mean too much to you.

irony, perhaps?

and so i've been wanting to do this since i was 16.
and we finally decided it was time.

every day i get reminded by my dear colleagues how i may be potentially returning with a cane.
and how not to look for me in the event i do not appear at work in jan.
and then the day drew near.

and then it started to dawn on me,
omg.
this is a life long decision,
i hope i do not regret.

sitting down in the prep room, seeing all the nurses whizz past,
trying to get my pupils un-dilated,
making me dizzy from the un-dilation drops.
that's when it really started to freak out.

and then i was in and out before i even knew it.
tearing like there was no tomorrow.

zoomed home as i sat quietly in the seat.
not sure if i was just tired or traumatised from the event.

took one sleeping pill.
didn work.
took two.
slept like a baby.

woke up to an amazing vision,
only with the damned feeling of having a day old contact lens stuck in my eye.
and the same thing happened the next day.

cant believe how well ive recovered,
except for this bruised left eye,
which everyone is really afraid of.

and so.
this is me,
with my brand new set of eyes for the new year.

what an awesome christmas present.

today, someone preached to an entire table of scientists.
and we were all rather visibly disturbed by it.

well,
i was.
for me,
it just reconfirms the fact that no matter how well i know someone,
i get terribly insulted and disturbed when the matter of committing to a religion comes up.

which really led me to think,
how much does religion weigh in my life?

some people seek salvage in religion,
praying is usually the first thing they do when something goes wrong.
what do i do?

and issit really important that we held something personal in our lives,
just to make the wrong right?

i really dont want to quarrel.
but im getting very annoyed with you.
and no, im not about to do anything to change it.

and so.
i really was not impressed with harry potter.
so much hype.
and yet any a time, i felt bored during the movie.

i dont think many will understand what i mean when i say that.
probably violently protest;
and come up with this (to me, a very lame reason):
but, it's harry potter!

to be honest,
if it werent harry potter,
im sure many would leave the movie,
going..
ahh, it's werent that impressive.
ahh. there are better movies out there.

it must sometimes be hard to be objective.
go figure.

wow.
it's been such a long time.
but you really havent changed hey?

good to know that you're still so selfish,
and that you still think you're always right.

AND SO.
it feels like it's been a long time since i last posted.
so i shall.

the end of my holiday beckons.
x(

SCREAMS IN HORROR.

well. it's so scary that it's already the second week of November.
and really.
i feel like ive done nothing in the last year..

issit too late to start doing something productive?
or issit time to start winding down and be prepared for what next year throws at me..

HMMMM.

what a wretched day to have to go to work.

it's the melbourne cup.

and i think,
im the only person in the whole of melbourne to bet on master oreilly
but do me proud, oreilly!

(:

sun,
come up this week,

so we can run away to a vineyard,
and busk in the sun.

i can forsee this being a really really bad day.

rashes on a predicted overly hot day,
exhaustion from staying up till 4 last night for no apparent reason.

quite possibly going feel like a 48hr day today.

karma, right?
for not doing anything yesterday.

saw this show yesterday.
love triangle of three people who believe in fate.

and the main lead "sacrificed" and let the other two go together.
it just led me to wonder,

is this the ultimate sacrifice,
a show of how magnanimous he is,
or
is this an act of stupidity,
for you are giving up on your one love,
one chance.

it's not as if you can be sure the other two will be happy forever.

i hate it when people think they are sacrificing but really,
all they're doing is trying to take fate by it's throat,
and stuffing it in your face.

because,
sometimes,
we just, dont know.

so, after all of these angsty posts.
i have realised that i can see abit of blue in that very dark sky.

not that im out of this very deep murky water,
but i think,
it's only right if i gave it my best shot.
really,
what comes out of it, i dont think i can control.
so must as well enjoy it as it comes.

right?

on a lighter note,
just not thinking about what my future entails,
has led me to enjoy the frustrations of working in a lab once more.
it feels like that initial excitement again.
that, im new here and i don know what im doing.
it's all abit of fun and laughter again.
laugh it off when it all goes wrong,
banish yourself and others to admin work when it heads wayward.
get this pessimism and sighing out of the way.

there are more important things in life.

so smile everyone,
it's going to be a good day if you can smile through it (:

i don think ive felt so deserted.
why issit that im always there when you need me,
and when i just need some support,
i don get any.

why issit your response to my suggestions
are always no.
why?

and you ask me why arent you going home.
home is here for me now.
this is where im most comfortable.
where i actually feel like people care.

why cant you stand in my position.
and at least once,
think about the struggles i am going through.
is it that hard?

it's my 700th post.
and you know what,
im still angsty.

im really angry that im looking for some support here,
and all of you are shooting me down,
like im a little kid.

thank you.
for not trusting in me.

you know what,
im just never going to be good enough.

i dont think you'll know how i feel until you're pushed to your breaking point.
i have this immense fear inside me.
that i know issnt about to go away.

everyday i hope for it to get abit better,
but everyday it just gets worse.
and im really falling apart.

please, just let this feeling go away.

should i just give up?

and so i thought i could have just one day to relax.
x(

everyday i go home with a bigger stack of papers.
really,
if this is the life of a postdoc,
im not sure about it.
i suppose the longer you stay, the more responsibility you hold.

will anyone offer me a never ending RA position?

on a lighter note,
audit-ting people said: OH MY! i have never seen such neat handwriting before.

i think this is one of the rare moments when im so determined to finish this thing,
although i know im quite fucked.

good to know that ive learnt not to procrastinate..
after many years of uni..
albeit late.

so i've sat here for a total of 7 hours and read 4 journals and written 10 pages worth of notes.
without the need to get up and do everything but work.
so, im quite proud.
although im freezing from the cold and from being in a stationary position.

oh, weekends.

says.
for some strange reason.
i have been staying at work till unearthly hours.

really.
i think i feel guilty for all those medical appointments
that take up most of the working day.
and therefore am making up for it by staying till late.

HMM.
really, clara.
really?

i quite enjoy waking up with the sun in my eyes.
even if it's 7 in the morning.
it generally means it's going to be a good day.
and that spring is coming (:

very inspiring it is.
inspired me enough to walk to work today.
with my coat off for majority of it.

hello, spring (:

i mean,
you cant blame me for being angry right?

and im not getting jealous...
you just dont treat me with respect anymore.

i am not quite sure.
but really,

is this going to become a situation i have seen so many times?

it's very frustrating because i don know how to deal with it.
some say you learn,
but really.
i obviously am not.

facing the dilema of,
should i leave and finish tomorrow...
or should i just stay and finish this concentrating,
so i can leave early tomorrow.

why why.
why do you treat me like this, 348.

you know.
it's like letting everything rip.
honestly.

im still really scared.
but now it's out of the way and i really cant do anything about it.
all i can do, is hope.

i hoped the beautiful feeling would have lasted,
longer than a moment.

because now,
i just feel like i've been torn in pieces.

can we give up everything,
that we have?

i mean, i've truly done some stupid things in the past.
and really,
im not about to let that happen again.

the piano and violin solo at the end just made me cry.
it's just, so beautiful.

it has been a while.

(:

just had an awesome vacation in the states....
it's nice to be with family and just spend time together for 3 weeks.

and in our short time,
we covered more ground than i perhaps have in a long time...

from
bodega bay and coleman valley
red woods
los angeles
universal studios
disneyland, anaheim
las vegas
grand canyon west
geyserville
santa rosa
san francisco
to sonoma

and had the most awesome food at
sunflower cafe,
cafe aroma,
diavola,
the girl and the fig
and hana.

(:

am a very happy person.

so the run of bad luck continues...

really...
there comes a time where it HAS to improve..
right.

really wants a nap...
or continue with my book.
because it's so awesome.
and i left it at home....

im having my run of bad luck.

really.
this cannot get worse,
can it?

ohhh.
what an awesome week i have been having.

getting the phone stolen.
then pumping my week's worth of work down the waste line.
cutting the sleep down to a minimal to facilitate this bug life.

cannot,
i emphasize,
cannot, wait for this week to be overr.

on a lighter note,
the maroons won yesterday's state of origin. (:

in my absolute paranoia.
im checking my mobile me every 15 mins.
and i saw this online.
and thought it was absolutely hilarious.

http://iphonetheif.blogspot.com/2010/01/iphone-theif-bust.html

so you ASSHOLE,
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN.
AND MAKE YOU SHIT IN YOUR PANTS.

it's not even about the phone anymore...

you kept me up,
you pathetic lowlife.

like i said on facebook.
i hope you fall and break all your bones and suffer in pain for the rest of your life.
i think it's a fair statement for such a pathetic life you lead.

if you had the guts,
you'd switch on my phone and read the instructions.
whilst the police hunted you down.

i cannot look past the fact that,
yesterday was all so clear to me,
but i still refuse to believe anyone in that shop could have stolen it.
i really want to believe that no one would ever do something like that.
i really do.

don worry, you pathetic person.
i will still be checking my mobileme constantly.
to see when you pathetic ass will even try and use my phone.

i can only come to a conclusion that that person probably stole it,
realised it had mobileme,
and tossed it out.

think about the pain and misery you cause others,
you fucktard.
i hope that kept you up all night as well.

have absolutely no idea whhy im feeling sooooo tired.
it must be the late nights,
and the early mornings...

x(

NOT GOOD,
when you're baking cookies,
and they're half gone even before they crisp up....

i did a good deed today,
and im feeling good.

and so,
through my actions, i spoke to a stranger
and thus,
found a new friend,
in julia, a french lady who arrived in melb just a week earlier.

hi julia!
good luck with work! (:
you made my day..

suddenly got hit by a wave of emotions.
i really miss high school.
and friends from high school.

i wonder if there will ever be a chance,
where all of us would meet again.
or has that moment already passed us by.

we've grown up,
and now we're in different parts of the world,
living our lives.

sometimes i feel like everyone around here
treats me like im their daughter.
and they take care and stand up for me.
and i feel really grateful for that.

well, i suppose you cant help that i am the 'baby' of the lab.

but really,
im not working as hard as it looks.

i do find it amusing.
but i cant really say much about it...

well,
maybe i can.

but you know what,
i'll let it rip.

change,
my friends,
is what i forsee.

O.K.
so i used to be fit.

i did one BA class.
and now im taking one entire week to recover from it.

oh,
what happened to those days when i did 5 a week and still had energy to do bp and rpm.

good riddance.

it was a really nice feeling,
but it hurt as well...

x(

all hail the
-it's time to start-
thought.

the next step,
is to realize it.

all hail the
-it's time to start-
thought.

the next step,
is to realize it.

i think the pauline hanson issue is absolutely ridiculous.
and underly the main reason why australia will never become a multiracial society.

the issue is not about embracing other cultures,
but more about tolerating each other.

certain things we think,
but we keep to ourselves.
sometimes those thoughts, voiced out,
are just plain stupid.

and to have it come out from a politician, -or ex-, should i say,
paints a very grim picture of the future of australia,
when it comes to multiracial tolerance.

being democratic, and being free to say what you want,
gives you the ability to voice yourself.
but someone has to draw a line between democracy and insults.

you do not go up to someone and say,
i don like you because you're black and you have a mole.
that's not being democratic. that's being a brainless ass.

so those are my thoughts.
think before you say,
or even say it in a more socially tolerant manner.

dont forget that australians,
are all immigrants.

it's been a while..
but i feel it coming back (:
and im glad it's back.

am just glad,
that the week is overr.

oh gawd,
exhaustion.

oh.
your blue eyes,
with that floaty english accent,
and that look.

and how can i forget how gentleman like you were (:

it's amazing.

YOU HAVE ANOTHER 2 DAYS, YOU ASS.

i don fancy going to work,
with puffy eyes.

i guess im void of these emotions,
but if i were to think about it,

i'd be traumatised x(
it's unsettling,
this feeling i have right now.

anyway,
random.

i think,
this is getting insane.

either im paranoid,
or im being stalked.

i mean,
REALLY...

are you kidding me?

you know,
for the past few days,
i keep listening to some of my favourite band songs,

and i keep wondering if i should find a band here...
well, i keep telling myself and everyone around me that my time in band has ended,
but it can be just for leisure, cant it?

i dont have to be the best,
i dont have to win every competition,
and i dont have to commit.

well,
let me just think about it abit longer (:

i chanced upon this last night,
and was terribly disappointed,
for some strange odd reason.

i know, i know,
im like a year late.

syf 2009:
rgssb - silver
tjcsb - silver

what happened to the gold with honours we achieved during our time x(

OMG.
this damn-ed computer is so slow
x(
GRR.

i constantly amuse myself at home with how fast even our ancient desktop can be,
as compared to this mac.

OMG,
you ought to go to the museum.

it scares me sometimes x(

but,
on a lighter note...

the herbs are looking all so gorgeous (:
and my mint wasnt doing very well in the extreme heat of today...

so most of them went into my rosemary and mint cream sauce,
served with pan fried john dory.

oh-so-awesome.

it's coming back, my friends.
my awesome dinners...
and desserts (:

well,
that is,
if mum doesnt kill all my herbs when she comes overrr (:

i really tried to stay up to watch the royals,
but...
i didnt even last to the start of the first overrr.
x(

BOOOOOOOOO.
i AM really getting old.

and i want to watch the chargers today....
but i don think i can make it either..

ANYHOOS,
the doggies look like they're going to be awesome this year...
their structure is finally working,
now that they have a tall target,
with so many capable of sending the ball into the 50.

so keep it up, doggies (:

sometimes i wonder,
why do i always like people who will break my heart
x(

BOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

you,
made me smile (:

i really should learn NOT to sleep so late..
now im exhausted..
x(

GRRR.
i say,
i cannot wait for tomorrow (:

i might die from exhaustion soon...
BOOOO.

it's terribly cold today,
so im sitting on my new dining table.
and waiting for the moment to pass,
so i can get up and head to work.

i wished there was a way,
for me to just not have to move,
and still arrive at work.

how terribly awesome would that be,
tell me.

maybe i'll name my daughter hannah.
(:

everyday i leave a little later for work.
but that's understandable,
issnt it?

everyday i add a little less milk in my latte,
but that's understandable,
issnt it?

well well,
hello there!

http://www.plospathogens.org/article/info%3Adoi%2F10.1371%2Fjournal.ppat.1000765

i say,
it's terribly annoying x(
and
i say,
im flying tomorrow.

im really not sure what im supposed to feel.
is it possible to say,
i feel terribly annoyed, terribly pleased, terribly excited and terribly pissed,
all at the same time?

maybe,
i just need some good sleep.

someone,
let me know
am i awfully difficult to deal with,
or am i too rigid in my thinking.

happy cny everyone!

and

happy v'day (:

with love,
C

谢谢你一直陪着我，
无论我多脆弱的时候，
只要想到你的微笑，
我就心满意足了。

你看得懂吗？

如果你是我命中注定的白马王子，
为什么你住在另一半的世界。
不如我放弃一切，好吗？
为什么两个人相爱会那么难 x(

im sad x(
but at the same time proud that i could type -above- myself (:
probably with lots of wrong characters,
but you get the meaning.

i say,
it definitely feels strange.

and sometimes i wonder whether you can read my mind x(
because i hate to say,
you find me at these weirdest moments.
and it gives me the creeps.

but, oh, let it be.

ive got exactly a week before i leave.
i know i should do something.
but really,
i just want to lie in bed.

i apologise to those i didnt meet up with,
i honestly have no reason not to....
except that my bones are growing old.

my first time signing into msn after a 2 month hiatus.
and it's all still the same,
so i signed back out.

omg.
heartbreak x( x(

so pain.

old school,
but omg.
i miss good music x(







now i want to learn the guitar x(

this is hilarious.

Q. Did you have somebody come up to you out of the stands and shake your hand?
MARIN CILIC: I think the fan got excited and he wanted to shake my hand, so... I gave him a present.
Q. What did you give him?
MARIN CILIC: Nothing. I shook his hand.
Q. He had a Croatian jumper on.
MARIN CILIC: Right, he was happy.

tennis players are hilarious.

really.
i cant be bothered anymore.
and im honestly,
so pissed off.

really,
if i decide never to go home again,
it's your fault.

i come home 60 days a year,
and your fucking mahjong is more important.

i want an ipad,
but im not sure why....

i say,
eh eh.
yippy yay yippy yo.

bloop has decided on his new word,
whloop (:

wants to go tangs!
wants to go tangs!

you know what,
screw it.

i dont care anymore.
go fuck your friends.

i never quite thought about it,
but i really should stop feeling hungry
everything i see lab rats,
or cadavers,
or human organs and remains.

HMMMM.

omg.
omg.
omg.
i cant, i cant, i cant believe it.

says that the gurls are heading home tomorrow x(
sadddddd...

anyhoos.
i am very intrigued by the science centre,
and not afraid to be labelled a nerd.
because kids are kool.

i say.
i probably wouldn want to be a kid now,
but really.
check out the awesome toys and science sets.

everything awesome has to come to an end.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

but really,
bloop bloop.

someone tells me my blog is too random,
but i cant remember who.

i say.
ah ha.

am back in singas! (:

i am a mosquito breeding ground.

i think bell is awesome.
and now im sad that it's overr x(

because the brother and sister in law,
loves me so.

with biomed,
it's so strange.

no goodbyes,
just the,
i'll see you next year,
as if a new semester is going to start again in 2010.

i see so many facebook updates on how they'll miss melb,
and course mates,
yet i feel like nothing has changed for me.

yes,
we'll all be at different places,
but we're still in aus,
no one has left permanently.

so,
it feels strange,
real strange.

OMG.
FLUKE.

84 runs, 5 wickets.
but pakistan still lost.
7/62 in the last session.

and so to all,
a very happy new year.
goodbye nauties!

says the new years resolution,
would be to move more.

(: