You.

The time..

When we first met. I was mesmerized by your gaze. It was enigmatic, intriguing but ironically innocent. Your body language portrayed a contradiction - not instinctively wanting to, but still rendering help to me. I literally stood there pondering what just struck me. And I hardly ever get to say this, but yes I was attracted, to you.

When I scrolled through your profile, I could tell you were different, I sensed something special. I was certain I wanted to get to know you. And I tried when the curious chance came along.

When we had the first exchange of messages, I didn't have a plan in mind. I just wanted to keep it going. For the first time in years, I found myself anticipating and feeling excited to receive replies from someone. But with no other platform, it had to stop somewhere. I resigned to fate.

When fate decided to give a helping hand, I couldn't believe the odds. I wondered if this was a plan devised or an opportunity created by something divine. I became hopeful.

When we formally met, I was incredibly nervous. I heard you speak a full sentence for the first time and was amused by your unique accent. I was intrigued more and more by you every single time we met.

When you laughed at a pathetic joke I cracked, and when we played Flappy Bird during the break, we started becoming more comfortable in each other's presence. I was glad to earn a friend.

When we embarked on the long walks back to your hall, I wished the route was a hundred times longer. Every time we spoke about a different topic, often discussing in depth and sometimes with passion. We clicked well.  That semester, I looked forward to Thursdays just to hear your views about the world and to see you smile.

When you consciously or unconsciously decided against having dinner with me, I sensed something amiss. It wasn't anything serious, but I was bruised a little inside. I started my lessons on acceptance and patience.

When you asked for a ride home, I wasn't the only happy one. The car was gleaming after a thorough polish and bath.  

When I stepped into your hall room, I felt as if I have made a leap into your life. I was grateful and honoured to be let into the space shared by the few.

When you played with the soft toy and curled up in the passenger seat  while I drove, I melted and melted again. I would probably have crashed the car if you continued doing so. And when you jumped up realising you left something behind, I realised I could turn back over and over again without feeling a single bit of annoyance.

When you specifically asked me to join you on a summer programme, for a moment my mind lost its dominance. My logical head calculated a no, but my heart was bursting out with a hell yes. Eventually I declined because I couldn't betray rationality, just yet.

When you asked me to accompany you for a part time job, I took a little longer to say yes because I flew over the moon and back. I was in ecstasy.

When we met out of school for the first time, I thought you looked gorgeous. It didn't matter that it was just jeans and a cardigan over a tank top. Your poise and elegance shone through those fabric, throughout.

When you spontaneously chose to bring us to the airport and accepted another impromptu job offer,  I realised I didn't need to shoulder everything alone, I can leave things to you too.  

When we shared that cake on the cold ground after a long hard day of menial labour, and strolled through Gardens before the stroke of midnight, I sensed something brewing in me, something in both of us, something between us.

When you brought breakfast from home, gave that fixated gaze and unreserved wide smile to greet me, I felt special. I felt important to you. It seemed like we have built a bubble around us. There was no one else, but us living in our own world, doing silly things, laughing and just being happy. Somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you.

When you decided to lie on the damp grass and look for stars, I was happy to oblige but didn't know what that meant. And moments later, when we talked and you said you have not met a 'someone' yet, I was stabbed hard and was downright confused. That night I apologised for a bumpy ride home telling you I was distracted, when I was actually distraught. I hid those emotions and pretended nothing happened, brushing your words off as an innocuous well-rehearsed statement, but I was still torn by your contradictions.  

When we went grocery shopping, I stood and admired your domesticity. When you taught me to ice skate, I kept falling but through it, I was impressed by your portrayal of patience and dedication. When you made Rice Krispies Treats, got me the rainbow cake and sang Happy Birthday, I wished time had stopped there and then so that I will never forget the feeling of bliss. But I couldn't be selfish. Indeed, I was rewarded with a sense of fulfilment when I sent you back to your mother knowing that she's your most beloved. Your happiness became my priority.

When we were the only ones left on the beach being too engrossed with our guessing games, I laughed at your messed up hair but actually wanted to say that it was cute and I liked it better that way - the raw and real you. That night, you felt nauseous and I never felt so worried and helpless before. I was heartened to see you brave and withstand the train ride home.

When we were on that train ride, we stood so close, I could count the number of lashes you had. It was a moment out of the entire time I had known you that I felt this genuine unobstructed connection. I asked softly if you were willing to talk about your most dreaded topic, but you looked up to me with those big innocent eyes, puffed cheeks and gently shook your head once. I simply smiled and ceased probing. We have reached a stage where body language was sufficient to convey a message. I fell deeper in love with you that day, with your insecurities and vulnerability. I wanted so much to give an assuring hug but was wide aware of the invisible line that should not be crossed, yet. You started playing with my sleeves, pulling it down as it was folded up, whispering that it should be tidy. My heart wasn't mine any more.

That day, I sent you back to your door step, as per usual. But this time, your mom opened the door after hearing the sound of your keys. I panicked. I wasn't sure if it was a timely introduction to your mom. You once said that you didn't want her to get the "wrong idea",  therefore instinctively, I backed away, hiding from her line of sight. As the door swung open, instead of rushing back in, you looked at me and thanked me for walking you back even with your mom in front of you. I smiled and waved goodbye. I felt validated.

When you had a fervent discussion on what is a Carton with your 2 bffs., you sought my opinion to break the tie. I felt my value to you increase. And when you said you would bring me along the next time you head back to your second hometown, I eagerly awaited for that day to come. I wanted to share your world, no matter how small or big it is. I was slowly becoming a part of your core circle of friends, or more.

When we were locked up to solve puzzle after puzzle, I was pleasantly surprised by the chemistry between us. As I worked on a logic puzzle, I commented that you should check my steps but you disagreed and happily watched on, saying that you trusted me to get it right. Gaining your trust on anything was an honour and I was secretly happy with the revelation that you do understand how I am. It was one of those times we simply relied on each other without feeling a bit of shame. We played our separate roles, worked as a team, and never quarrelled even when things weren't going well. You made up for my weaknesses with your strengths and I made up for yours with mine. I was in awe at how well we complemented each other.

When I had the privilege of walking the tiles of your place, play on your piano, and see those dance shoes hanging on your room door, I learnt even more about you. I was impressed by everything I encountered. But it also reminded me that there is so much more about you that I don't know of - a past that made you who you are, and the importance of understanding all of it before we could advance any further. I thought I had time for that, little did I expect this to be the peak and turning point of us.

When you stood up on me for probably the last planned outing of summer, I was hurt. I was hurt because I felt disrespected and disregarded as a friend. You lost the spontaneous, fun and outgoing side of you. Or maybe you didn't. But you started distancing away from me. I sensed something terribly wrong. Simple happiness seemed to be a thing of the past, overnight.

When you avoided me again to head down to work, I was hurt even more. I had a big plan to carry out, but what you did shook me and had me questioning myself about you. What you did reminded me of the hurt you can bring, and will bring. I asked myself if I am willing and prepared to accept who you are, all of it, the good and the bad, the bliss and the pain. The answer was yes, and so I carried out my plan.

When you smiled, stayed put, and gave me that hug, I was just relieved. I was so afraid of losing you and was glad it did not happen then. You said you were glad too. I thought we were fine now. The feelings were out and honest, there was nothing more to hide. I became more expressive, but sensed that you weren't too comfortable with it. And so I toned it down, but it wasn't enough.

When you started ignoring me officially, I was just puzzled. I couldn't understand what went wrong, or what I did wrong. The war between the rational mind and struggling emotions ensued. It went on for weeks. In the bid to make things right, we made things worse, and I became even worse off.  

When I sat three study benches apart from you, and you walked right past twice without saying anything at all, I realised we weren't friends any more, not even acquaintances. It hurt so bad that day, especially after recalling everything we have built over summer. All of it counted for nothing. It hurts even more to lose something when you don't even know how you lost it.

When I was about to attend one of the depressing weekly lectures, I bumped into your male friend in the toilet, all dressed up, styling his hair, and even adjusting his eye brows. I didn't think much about it, since some guys are overly narcissistic in front of the mirror. But after I stepped out, sat on a bench alone, you appeared and stood beside him, looking stunning in a black skirt and new shoes. It was the first time you dressed up  for school, and the only time I have seen you dress up at all. Both of you talked, smiled and seemed so close, I found myself exploding with jealousy even though I was pretty sure there wasn't much between you two. That day I realised there was nothing true in you wanting to be alone and independent. Instead, you just didn't want to be anywhere near me, any more. Just anyone but me.

When you walked away, blocked me on Insta and out of your life, it was the biggest blow I have faced in my twenty three years. I was at a loss. Never in my wildest dreams, I had expected to be placed in this unconventional dramatic situation, and to know I have hurt someone so deeply, yet feeling multiple amounts of the hurt I have supposedly inflicted. That day, I finally understood why the world's greatest songs are about emotions and heartbreak. The pursuit of love and happiness often risk ruining lives and friendship.

When I was at my lowest, I thought of no one else but you. Indeed, it made sense as you were the main reason for my struggles. But I realised I thought of you because I had so much expectations. You were the only one I was prepared to bare it all to because I was treating you as someone more than a friend. I realised I was deceiving myself that I could treat you as a normal friend when in fact I can't, not when my heart was always wanting more. I realised you have risen to a status unattainable by anyone else. I went to irrational lengths to tell you things about you, purely in your interest. I found myself caring about you at the expense of myself and every happy memory we had because nothing matters more than your future. I realised the kind of love I have for you, is ridiculously persistent, irrational and unbreakable regardless of adversity.

I still find myself smiling when I think of you being the not-so-nice girl, sticking the tongue out, giving death stares and a scrunched up nose. I loved your carelessness and at times, recklessness because it makes you, you. I swoon at your childlikeness, athleticism, spontaneity, intelligence, unassuming character, ironically outgoing but introverted nature, your love for music, books, languages and every remaining bit of your unique personality.

It doesn't matter what names others call you, you have let me in and shown me the real you with and without that bloodied ice shield. The shield with spikes did stab me each time I got near or tried to lower to let others see what I saw. But the pain was worth it. I am extremely grateful to have the chance to see how perfect you could be. The limitless possibilities you showed me when I was by your side made me a boy all over again, and it also made me grow as a man. Loving you has been the best unconscious decision I have made.

Thank you. For everything. The happy memories, the bliss, your time and for being you.

It took quite a while, but today a chapter concludes. Today, I box up everything about you, and place in a corner of my room. You were once the centre piece of my life, but today, I leave that stage empty, for anyone or anything to create more wonderful memories.

Today I am letting you go, but it doesn't mean I am giving up on you. I just need to forget the painful memories about you for me to stop hurting. I need to move on and share my life generously with others who care about me, just like before. I have learnt that loving and giving requires receiving too, without it, there's immense hurt.

But I don't really know how to break promises, so my promise to you shall stand - I will always be here for you and you will always be that special "friend". Our relationship remains unexplainable, ambiguous and strange. If you decide to come back one day, let us be 'us' again - be it summer buddies or simply the goofy pair who happened to click. If that doesn't happen, I just hope to have the luxury of knowing the answer to the biggest mystery of all time - what exactly went wrong?

Regardless, I wish you happiness; for someone to give you the happiness you ought to receive and vice versa. I had a little taste of the kind of love you could shower on someone, and whoever has the privilege of receiving that for a life time would be a lucky man, a very, very lucky man.

I'm putting this very personal post up because hardly anyone knows about this remote space and actually cares to read about what a random dude has to say about his uneventful life.  I don't know if you will ever see this. But if you do, this post is for you to know that you came into my life and changed me forever, for better, not for worse. You added colour to my life and gave me emotions I can only dream of.

This post is a stamp of my promise to you, and that the last line of my note to you stands no matter what fate has in store. Unbelievable odds and chance occurrences have played a humongous part in our story, giving me no basis to doubt fate. You came into my life for a reason. That reason isn't exactly clear, but I believe it is good. It isn't to generate dislike or hatred, but to teach about love.

More importantly, this post is for me to close a chapter, and begin a brand new one. The hurt has faded slowly but surely, and I am finally starting to breathe again.

You have been a part of me, and made me, me today. For that, I am eternally grateful to you. But now it has to be farewell, till we meet again, my special 'friend'.

Don't cry that it's over, smile because it happened. :)

Twenty Fifteen

2015

Twenty fifteen has been a rewarding year.

I had the privilege of embarking on a student exchange programme in the Netherlands for half a year and experience how life could be lived so differently. I had my first experience of solo travel in Europe and loved it. The freedom and independence I gotten from it got me hooked, but it also made me realise I enjoy travel best with at least a buddy. Being alone is liberating, but companionship creates more beautiful memories.

Ironically, my biggest takeaway from exchange is to savour the simple pleasures in life and not take such things for granted. It came at a crucial time in my life as I was seeking out my future pathway and increasingly feeling the pressure from the rising expectations and responsibilities of a fledging young adult in Sg. I was reminded of how joy can be derived from basic tasks, such as talking to people, thinking, feeling, walking, running, even cleaning and cooking. I learnt that nothing matters more than health and simply being normal.

Despite having the chance to travel and live life in a better environment, exchange has further enhanced my fixated mindset of the definition of home. Indeed, life can be better elsewhere, but that life is not mine to lead. I have been born and bred on this land, immersed in our own culture and formed a unique identity that I am proud of. This is where I belong and feel most comfortable in. Therefore, even though I can go on and on about trying to be happy with simple pleasures, I know I have to be equally contented with the complexity of this country and its undesirable characteristics. More than ever, I try not to be caught up with the rat race that is essential here, instead living a life I will be happy with, at the expense of the much coveted but unnecessary prestige and glory.

This year I learnt a lot, about myself and about people.

I learnt that I can be insensitive at times. The things I say or do may sometimes hurt people unknowingly. Sometimes I get so caught up with my own thinking that I forget about how others may feel or think differently. But I have been trying hard to seek differing opinions to make more informed decisions. Having said that, I still acknowledge that I cannot please everyone and ensure my actions are always appealing. However, I will still strive to be someone tactful, a well-versed chameleon in as many situations as possible. People don't judge based on intentions but on actions. The method of delivering that intention is key to having successful communications and eventually relationships.

I have dreaded interactions with people for as long as I remember, feeling drained each time as I put myself in those uncompromising situations. But this year, I learnt to learn from such situations. I learnt to ask questions, lots of questions. Sometimes they are stupid questions, but they are questions that I genuinely want answers to. I realised people are happy to respond as long as it is a topic of their interest.  And so, I have learnt to ask shamelessly about all the technicalities and details about people's lives and their interests. I may not remember every bit, but it has trained me to think faster, process information and data, and at the same time make the other party feel good about themselves.

Perhaps it was due to the increased brain activity, during the past year, I dreamt a lot. My dreams were of all kinds, involving people I interact with on a daily basis, or acquaintances who just happen to be on the Fb friend list. Those dreams felt more real than ever, it's as if I live in a parallel universe while I am asleep. Yes, sometimes I still dream of her, in situations which range from being awkward to being happily together. Sometimes I hate waking up to reality, but sometimes I am glad to open my eyes realising it was only a dream and nothing damaging actually happened. My dreams are often eventful, which suggests that perhaps unconsciously, I do yearn for drama in my life. Or maybe it is just a void left behind after the many episodes of intense emotional experiences. Sometimes these dreams reveal and reflect the deeper nuances of my character and I wake up being reminded of who I really am and what I really want from life. Somehow, dreams became my compass for the past year, setting a direction in my morality and future.

I have learnt to be myself, or rather, be reminded of who I am inherently. We all strive to improve and grow, but sometimes in the midst, we lose the important part that defines us. The feature that makes you unique, special and different from everyone else. Self improvement is good, but not to the extent of conformity. Twenty fifteen and some parts of twenty fourteen reminded me of my inherent nature and how I have been trying to change just to fit into what seems to be a desirable mould. I am introverted, it is okay to stay silent and draw energy from the surroundings. I don't have to compete with extroverts for attention and be heard. I listen well and I take longer to form opinions and sentences. I can lead, but I can follow just as well. If everyone is fighting to be at the top, we forgo more important things - peace, harmony and progress. There is nothing wrong being an introvert, in fact, introversion creates a much needed balance in a world of chaos. Even though the corporate world favours extroversion, is climbing the ladder at the expense of losing yourself and feeling tired all the time worth it?

The ongoing search for a job has jaded me a little. Not because of rejections, but because of seeing first-hand the harsh realities in our society. Well-paying jobs and prestige comes at a cost of stress and biasness of elitism. But it is particularly startling to learn how low the return to labour can be, even for skills on the brink of extinction or the monotonous unappealing work that is vital in daily operations but goes unappreciated. People's time, people's lives have become so cheap. Granted, not everyone is able to do useful work, but respect and appreciation should still be given. I don't think there's much respect given to people when you pay them a few dollars for an hour of really hard work. Definitely not when everything else costs so much more than the few hard earned dollars.

These things affected me not because I am a disgruntled privileged hipster trying to live an excessively comfortable life, ignorant about the rationale for having things done in this unpopular way. It is precisely  because I understand the costs of making everyone happy, but unable to think of a better way to reduce those costs that has caused some exasperation. We are suppose to be living in prosperity, but must that prosperity always come with misery? Must life always be so tough? Must a young adult be always so worried about the future?

Perhaps it is really a quarter life crisis. I am anxious. I feel old. It feels like I have achieved nothing thus far in my twenty four years and I am already twenty four. While I worry for the future, I am saddened when I look back at those times in the past. Those times are gone forever. Lost and can never be retrieved. I will never have the chance to be a child again. I will never have the chance to attend school and worry about homework or exams. I am transiting into a new phase of life. It is fresh, exciting and something that I have looked forward to ever since I learnt the value of money - earning a living for yourself and your family is a prideful thing to do. But school life gets nostalgic. At the very least, I have six months of it left.

The past year has also made me realise the importance of friends. In the midst of learning independence, I tried to do too much on my own, by my own without advice or help. I always thought I would be bothering my friends with my personal stuff, but in fact, it isn't bothering to them at all. I realised I can depend on them too, as a listening ear or to offer a differing opinion on a bothersome issue. After all, what does a dozen year or decade long friendship count for? I am grateful for having such great friends who know me so well and chose to stick with despite all my flaws.

The importance of music was highlighted and reignited the past year. Music talent was not something I was born with, but I do have somewhat a passion for it. Making music or just casually playing instruments brings about therapeutic effects. It has the ability to make one forget about everything else, focussing on the piece, in the moment and nothing else. Listening to good and high quality music has not been simply a hobby or past time, it has become a part of me. While not on an extreme end, I am fundamentally an audiophile who appreciates stereo, subwoofers, tenors and sopranos. The combination of all these makes a song a more complete masterpiece. Music has the ability to alter my mood and channel thoughts in different directions. It captures emotions of certain time periods or emotions pertaining to certain people associated with the song. More significantly, song lyrics have gained more of my attention during the past year. Having been through a topsy turvy special friendship, I seem to gain some ability to connect with some of the stories being told by those songs instead of only focussing on the technicalities in music production.

Ultimately, the underlying conclusion from twenty fifteen has to be me learning more about myself and to be myself. The fact that I have become sensitive enough to note and acknowledge my insensitivities, shows that I did manage to grow emotionally by a teeny bit. I have become more frank with my feelings and also accepted that I am more emotional than most other boys. Or perhaps not, I just don't get to see other guys put out their deeper sentiments as often. I regained my ability to let go and laugh at trivial stuff, instead of trying to act high, lofty and overly matured. A stranger commented that I was smiley and it took me by surprise as that hasn't been an adjective that I am regularly acquainted with. I learnt to share the love with others more, and not direct it exclusively to one person, at least in this moment. No doubt, that kind of love would still remain special and reserved, but I need to learn to re-evaluate and put a cap on it if the situation isn't going right. I am not afraid of getting hurt, I am just tired of it. My perception of romantic love will not change because of that painful experience. That future someone would still receive unconditional, undivided care and attention from me. So don't worry, I have grown but I have not changed.

As usual, I don't fancy setting resolutions for a new year. Indeed, a new year is a timely and convenient call for fresh, new beginnings. It is good to set new goals and targets to meet especially after reflecting on a rewarding past year. However, I believe the turn of the new year is ultimately just another day, similar to one's birthday. We celebrate such occasions to make ourselves feel better, and simply create a reason or excuse for celebration and make life slightly more meaningful. Targets and goals don't have to come on the first day of the year, it can come any time anywhere. Personally, my general goal in life sets the direction and tone in all those minor decisions I have to make on a day to day basis. Those decisions are made based on my accumulated values, beliefs and principles from the beginning of time. New year's day just serves as a recount of whether things have changed and how they have changed. Perhaps this less driven attitude has contributed to the lacking sense of achievement, but looking back, I don't regret anything I have done or not done thus far.

However, I acknowledge that twenty sixteen will be a distinctively different year as it is a year in which I transit from schooling to working life. I don't know how it will be like or what to expect, but I would just like to take it as it goes and come 31 Dec 2016, I hope I will be able to churn out something like this, but maybe a slightly more insightful and interesting version written by a less anxiety-stricken twenty-five year old.

Love, 2014

It has been a year, since a post has come up, a year since I've had a reasonably level head to put things together, into coherent perspective, a year since I've had enough courage to accept the occurrence of another major setback in my life and a year since that embrace. My long overdue annual report is here.

Love

In 2014, for the first time in my life, I fell in love.

I fell in love with a girl so flawed, yet so perfect. A girl who gave me the chance of experiencing what bliss feels like, but brought with her immense pain and suffering. A girl who was a special friend and an unknowing teacher. A girl who taught me about love, but was still learning how to love. A girl whom I realised I not only like, but love so deeply.

I learnt about what it meant to fall in love, having a lack of control and consciousness over the matter. But I also learnt about what it meant to truly be in love. Similarly, it does not involve a conscious choice or effort to love. It just happens. As you walk down the street, do household chores, complete a homework assignment, drive a car or lie in bed, a part of you never stops loving. It does not cease, no matter what happens, no matter how hard you try to push it away or forget. It is persistent, selfless, sacrificial, noble and unconscious. Loving someone isn't a choice you can make.

Love is irrational. It made me do things I shouldn't or wouldn't have. There were things I did that I can't explain or justify. Some were simply out of character, some I wouldn't do for just anyone and some I would do for only that someone. It has this ability to empower, motivate and serve as an impetus to do something, usually crazy or stupid.

Love sacrifices. All my life, I have sought for a life filled with simplicity and honesty. But it took a while for me to finally give in and accept that sometimes the type of life you want doesn't always pan out. Sometimes, life chooses you instead. Some people are born into a life carrying burdens, marred by complexity and deceit. And there is no escaping it. For the greater good, these chosen ones have to hold secrets to their deathbeds, tell white lies all their life and wear different masks for different situations. As much as they hate that kind of life, they aren't given a choice. How would one weigh the consequences of revealing entrusted secrets while conflicting personal values of transparency and honesty?

Some things were always meant to happen, waiting to happen. Innocuous bread crumbs were laid out for years and it only needed someone inquisitive enough to investigate and solve yet another mystery. If something is never meant to be found, it wouldn't even be possible to have a sniff at it, no matter how hard you try. But if that something is exposed almost effortless, or even by chance, isn't it curious? Did it happen for a reason? Why does everything seem so coincidental? Why do such things happen over and over again?

Sacrifice

I remember writing an unpublished post on what the two years of conscription and overlapping university education have done to our young males and females. I wrote about how fascinated I was to see my female friends change over the course of their university lives while I was still serving out my national duty. It is like a controlled scientific experiment involving two population sets, with the males being kept in isolation from the world as a control while the females are the targeted variables. From the topics, to lingos, jargons, the manner of speech, the thought process that led to the sentences formed and the words unspoken, everything changed. I noticed that their behaviour changed drastically, as they became more comfortable with the opposite gender. I sensed maturity, tactfulness, the glaring passiveness and femininity. Unlike the teenage girls who tended to group in packs that I was used to seeing, they seemed to pick up skills to better get along with boys. They started to complement well and I was fascinated by these changes.

After what I have witnessed, I entered university with high hopes, naively thinking that it was simply a coming of age for everyone. I thought this is the stage where everyone grows and matures together. But it was only when I encountered problems with her that I realised things weren't as simple as it seemed.  

People don't grow as they become a day older. People grow because they experience new things and learn new lessons with each passing day. People grow when others help them to grow.

I was on this side, looking on to the other side. Watching and waiting for that mysterious someone to appear and save the situation. That someone who would serve as a mentor, a teacher, a friend, to impart knowledge, provide wisdom and guidance. That someone who did so well to help my female friends mature during their university stint. That miracle saviour who would mediate and mitigate.

I waited and waited but he never appeared. Days, weeks, months, it dragged on and on. I finally broke. It took me so much to realise, no one was coming. No one had the chance to get close enough to her to understand what needs fixing. No one knew the remedy concoction better than I do. It had to be me who takes the brave step up, to say and do something in her interest to help her grow, so that those boys in isolation would be able to see what I saw in my female friends. Even if it meant that I had to be sacrificed or be the bad guy, the thought of her learning something valuable from our experience makes everything worthwhile. I may not have the chance to see the transformation for myself, but what's more important is that she is able to find happiness in future after learning from today's lessons.  

Pain

Yes, throughout the entire process I suffered badly. I took hit after hit after hit. I was so confused and tormented that I almost went mad. And with other ongoing concurrent issues, I was on the verge of depression. It was real. 2014 was the highest and also the lowest point in my life.

Throughout that semester, I was like a moping zombie who dragged myself to school only to hide in the corner and have lonely lunches. I would attend lectures and tutorials but midway through, my mind would start wandering and my body swell with sadness. I couldn't absorb any material, and instead spent all my time reflecting, churning out tons of literature ranging from romance to death and hanging on to the strand of sanity that remained.

Summoning whatever was left, I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself one day and attempted to fix things. I wasn't about to let problems linger on and continue suffering without an answer. So I confronted in hopes of salvaging everything, but who knew, it ended up with the worst possible scenario. My world came crashing down.

That day she walked away, a part of me died. That image of her back view getting smaller and smaller till it disappeared, is something  I will never forget. The type of pain is indescribable. I was utterly crushed and destroyed. I was numbed, my skin couldn't feel anything. My mind went blank as I became light-headed, and even my body felt lighter. It felt hollow, as if my soul had drifted away.

As I was ripped right apart then, I was as good as dead. But surprisingly, not completely. Some part remained. Somehow, my instincts and unconscious took over. Logically, I had all the reasons to feel sorry for myself, blame her for the inflicted pain and be filled with angst.  But I didn't. I found myself thinking of her, thinking about how miserable and hurt she would be. And how she would be left questioning all of this that happened. I was prepared to head home and soak myself with tears, but I realised my purpose. I had to tell her the truth. I had to explain all of this. I had to tell her what she meant to me because there is too much implicit notions going on. 

So I did. Even in my deathbed, I would fulfil my duties. Even if I die, I want to die for something. And when I die, I don't want that day to be a regret of words I never said.

There was a point in which I tried to make a last ditch attempt to halt this landslide, to create a final chance for us, but nothing worked in my favour. Today, part of the plan, the intended birthday gift sits in the corner of my room, reminding me of this love and what it could have been. It reminds me of this one and only girl who mesmerized and stole my heart.

Healing

Even as the storm past gradually, day after day, I didn't get better. I was just as depressed and dejected. I thought I was going to fail my exams because nothing else was going into that dysfunctional mind. I locked myself up, spent time alone, stopped replying messages and isolated myself from the world. I became cold and aloof. The 4 year long work towards becoming a better, more social and open person was entirely reversed. I was all alone in a dark, dark world fighting a lonely personal battle.

Fortunately, a timely distraction entered the frame. Exchange came along and I was thrown into an entirely different environment. I had to complete tasks and it kept me going, distracting me from all the suffering. I tried to forget and it worked for a while, for a good month or two. As I was surrounded by constant upbeat company, it prevented me from falling even deeper into that dungeon of depression.

However, during that period, I lived without a purpose and as such, I was truly fearless for I had nothing to lose any more. The time when I skydived, I thought even if the chute doesn't open and I died, it makes no difference and it could even be better for there would not be any more pain and suffering. I remembered the moment I jumped off the plane, I felt so free, limitless, invincible yet so small and insignificant. We are just pawns in this magnificent, wondrous world of possibilities. The powerful Mother Nature could crush us effortlessly in an instant and it doesn't even matter.

With the intervention of the distractions, I thought I have finally gotten over her and healed from those wounds. But some time in between, one day, someone brought her up and everything came flooding back. Everything reminded me of her and the times we had. The songs we shared, the places we went, the stuff we did.  Every night before I fall asleep, she would be on my mind and occasionally appearing in dreams that I wished were real, like how we were before. While my solo travels were therapeutic, there were countless times I wished she was by my side, each time thinking about how she would have enjoyed the same symphonic performance, stunning view or spontaneous outdoor activity.  

I looked back at those journal entries I wrote for each time we met, recording every little detail I picked up as I got to know her. I wrote about learning to listen, watch, observe, accept, groom and love. I listed out the many differences we had but marvelled at how well we complemented each other. I wrote about how innocent those smiles were and those laughter, genuine. I noted how happy we both were, we were practically glowing. I dreamt of a future together.

After her, I don't know whether I can love the same way again. To fall as deeply and love as much, as unconditionally. To have the patience to understand, capacity to accept and love. I don't even know whether I have the ability to love again. When you have given all of your heart and have nothing left, what else is there to be shared with someone else? What can you do as a walking dead?

Considering how broken I was, exchange did wonders for a man without a beating heart. I walked, travelled and spoke to people. I was shoved into different situations, like hot iron thrown into cold water and melted once again in the furnace. I have learnt even more, to become a better person, to appreciate more, to understand, empathise and adapt. All of that wouldn't have been possible without the people who helped me whether knowingly or not. I am grateful to those who stayed by my side, even when I drowned myself in solitude. Those who still came knocking on my door periodically to check that I was still breathing. Those who have been through similar ordeals and could provide matured advice and insights. Those who reminded me that even in this society, even with my personality, I still have friends. And of course my family, who was always there to provide comfort, joy and annoyance. They are the epitome of unconditional love which I can only hope to recreate and share.

Today, I do feel better but I am still not recovered. My wounds are still opened, perhaps not as raw, but I'm making the effort to bounce back. I do not have the luxury of time to heal. For each day I choose to rot away in darkness, the globe continues to spin. The world does not revolve around me. I need to move on, catch up even with discomfort, wounds and disability because I don't have the valid excuse of being dead, at least not yet. 

I am still alive because of people. People who think I am worth something to them. People I think are worth living for. The dream to one day live for myself continues, and it would only come true when I find myself smiling as unreservedly as last summer.

Longing

It has been a year, and I still miss her every single day. I miss her so badly. But all I have now are precious memories of those little details of her. My brain has become nothing but a data recorder, containing clips replaying on playback. I miss that little dance she did when she was feeling happy and carefree. That death stare when I teased her. Those creases on the edge of her eyes when she smiles. The way she walks, talks, and her distinct alluring scent. I particularly love watching as she stares blankly into space, thoughts in a land far far away. She's a dreamer, a visionary, full of creative ideas that never fails to amuse me. Her innocence, poise, elegance and class makes her stand out. But it's her unique past that has shaped and made her so different from everyone of us. Stories untold and unspoken, stories I can only imagine when I look into those eyes. She's one of a kind. There's no one like her.

I wish I could be by her side, to help when needed, and guide when lost especially since we are similar in so many aspects. While I do not have much intelligence, I have some experience and I know some paths are better off not taking.  

Hope

Looking back, perhaps it was a good thing that we were set apart. The space created gave me the time to really think, and reflect about this entire experience. The past months without interaction became a test of my feelings for her. And there was only one result. I love who she was, who she is, who she is not and who she is bound to be. I became sure of it.

People always talk about letting go of things that hurt, especially when it involves rampant continuous blind stabbing. The talk about finding people who appreciate you, put you on a pedestal, adore and accept you as who you are. It's all about yourself, all about what people do to you. But what about your actions to others? Are you able to stop thinking about yourself once in a while, instead giving the appreciation and adoration to others? Are you able to look pass the layers of armour and understand what's going on? Are you able to identify and recognise an uncut gem that you come across? Will you do what it takes to hold on to it? Or do you let it slip through your fingers, ever so easily?  

I hold on firmly to the hope that she becomes the woman she was always meant to be. That people around her would be kind enough to groom this work in progress. She is different, and could easily be written off as a misfit in this one dimensional society, someone strange or weird. But she's trying, still building up her identity, striving to uphold values of her own. Freedom and independence, powerful values that have started wars and claimed lives. A tug of war between being carefree and bugged by responsibilities. A struggle to understand being independent doesn't mean being alone, that even the strongest need help from others once in a while. And that no matter how strong, we all need a shoulder to cry on. 

Undeniably, I hold on to the hope that one day we could visit those places we were due to go but never made it. To live up to the intended status and fulfil the roles we were made to fill. And to finally stop holding back emotions and actions that do nothing but stifle and suffocate. I don't have the privilege of possessing much, only hope.

In the given time frame, I played my part, I tried my very best. On hindsight, there was really nothing more I could do and I have no regrets. Even if it turns out that I am not going to be the one to reap the fruits of labour, I will be happy if she is truly happy. No doubt, there will be a feeling of sour and bitterness, but ultimately I will be contented.

If it turns out that it was something I did that broke us, I can only blame myself for my ineptness. I am only a limping man with overwhelming emotions, already wielding a lifetime of injuries and scars, perhaps I wasn't strong enough for her. I couldn't withstand the pain that came with that beautiful package and I don't deserve her. She needs someone as endearing as E, as vivacious as V and as persistent as P. Someone strong enough to withstand the blows, be the defender, protector and unwavering pillar through the seasons. Someone good with words, eloquent and deliver messages without contempt but with wisdom and intelligence. Someone with the emotional quotient to balance honesty and subtleness. Someone that I wasn't.

I remember as I was typing those final words of my note to her, my vision was blurred with clogged up tears. Even though those words were genuine, it hurt so much to convince myself I had to let her go. I had to force myself to believe that I was hated, despised, disliked, loathsome, irritating, a pest and an epic fall from grace. I tried so hard to let go that I stabbed myself even more. I had to strain hard to transform the warped mind to a rational one just to believe letting go was the right thing to do. But all of it was still not enough to eradicate those overpowering positive feelings.

I don't intend to seek my heart back from her. In any way, it isn't a such a simple and straightforward task. And so I have accepted that I can never fully recover, because the void created will never be filled and I can't be whole again. I realised that I don't even seek for the closure that I've yearned for so long. I realised that maybe it's better to let things be, opened to possibilities. Maybe, what we need is just hope, hope that one day you'll finally get to see the end of the rainbow.

And it would all be worth it.  

You are perfect to me, but with my troubles, I will never be good enough for you.

Goodbye Summer

It has been quite a while since I have been here. Many things have happened in the past 5 months. And I thought it's about time that I write something here, not that anyone cares, just for some accountability to myself when I have nothing better to do but to read back at those old naggy posts.

Year 2 Sem 2 ended pretty well. I had my highest scoring semester but I was still a tad disappointed because I was expecting myself to do better since more than half of the mods I know I should be scoring well in. Anyway, it was sufficient to pull me up to where I am contented with and I am somewhat happy with it.

I had one of the best summers ever. It wasn't enriching in every conventional sense, but there were lessons learnt and there were moments of simple happiness. I would even go a step further and say there were tinges of bliss. The detailed account is somewhere else, but I would want to touch on the conventional lessons I picked up while doing a handful of ad hoc part time jobs.

There was the Herbalife part time job, which introduced me to the concept of MLM. It was an eye opener because I had the chance to see it unfold before my very eyes. However, the thing that I found really amusing was how well kempt this entire facade is, hiding all its sinister elements away somehow. The 'beneficiaries' came in with wide smiles and laughter, enjoying every part of their overseas trip. But it could have not been like this. There is no morality in MLM. People you know become your customers. Your family, your friends. You take their money and inadvertently they do it to other people they know. It's a vicious cycle and everyone gets sucked into this whirlpool of greed, making the manufacturer the biggest winner because they incur no marketing costs. The word of mouth and avalanche of salesmen situated at every corner of the world becomes the best form of marketing. The product whether useful or not, becomes simply a collateral for the friendship or kinship.

7 years later, I was back doing banquet. Something I swore never to do again. But this time, it was different. I was tasked with leading a group. I felt a sense of ownership and recognition of my ability. Even though I was very sure I was tasked with it because I asked the most questions during the briefing. I wasn't trying to impress. I was simply unclear because the briefing was so brief, there weren't enough details. Having served at a banquet, having attended banquet dinners, having organised a banquet, naturally, questions popped up. You don't want to be a blur cock at the end of the day embarrassing the whole world and shouting out I just got here for $8! That was the mentality most had, and that's why we have uncommitted and grumpy faced waiters for all our banquet functions. I put what I have learnt in terms of customer service to practice, the right way to speak to guests, the posture, gesture, vocabulary and tone. To be in the service industry, one must be modest. The biggest take away from the event was having the task to serve the vegetarians. I had to speak to the guests, be courteous and on the ball to prevent the wrong dishes to be served. I had to speak to the chefs, who were really nice people, and the managers who were just empty vessels.  

My next job was being a shepherd to foreign delegates coming for a conference at MBS. It was one of the easiest jobs ever, and getting paid for just sitting around and doing nothing. The only drawback is the early reporting time. Other than that, everything was brilliant about the job.

And came the long term part time job. I was in for the pay. But little did I expect it to be really part time. Meaning a mere few hours a week. I was a little disappointed but that meant I had more free time to myself for the summer. I wasn't in a desperate need for cash, but on hindsight, the free time was really kind of a waste. Through this job, I learnt even more customer service. Primarily, over the phone and subsequently face to face. Even as an introvert, I found it fun talking to people. It was interesting to be on the other end of the phone call. Usually, when I call a hotline, I would be more conscious about myself and unsure what to say. But I realise now that those on the other end should be the ones more conscious. The customer is always right. There were cases of difficult customers but majority were nice and that just spurred me to treat other service staff even better. A simple sentence such as Have a nice day! or asking for the name and saying thank you personally adds a nice touch to the service. Words can indeed brighten up someone's day. Through this job, I picked up essential cashiering skills, such as using the Nets and credit card machine which I always found intimidating because I never had the chance to learn how to use it. Even now, I am not proficient with it. Hopefully, practise makes perfect and I hope I don't screw anything up before I get the hang of it.

My last job, isn't one that I am unfamiliar with - organising a dinner and dance. I was becoming so good at it, I hardly missed any details and was extremely chill about it. However, I realised I have a weakness, and that is in seeking sponsorships. To be honest, it boils down to the same problem of being afraid of contacting people and companies, especially over the phone. Or maybe I wasn't afraid, given the call centre experience I gathered over summer. I was just too lazy. I learnt from a friend that the right way to seek sponsorships is to get to the correct channel and not simply spamming emails to the enquiries email address. It's plain useless. No wonder we have not been getting any response. Those receiving the emails usually have no authority over sponsorships. The correct way is to find the marketing department's contact and try your luck there. I was lucky the previous year as I had lots of help and luck. But this time we weren't so lucky. Somehow, through some desperate contacts we managed to pull it off. 

Next, the people I work with. There was no chemistry within the committee and the dynamics was really poor. Somehow, I started to appreciate the time in the Club. Even though we were not friends, we somehow had a good working relationship. There were attempts to 'bond' and be friends, but nothing ever materialised. It's tough. Everyone was from different leagues. Back to the dinner and dance, on to the participants. They are a weird batch. Ok don't take it negatively. They are just different. Is the age gap starting to take effect? I never felt comfortable around them. Unlike previous year's batch, this batch doesn't seem to be genuinely nice people. I can't speak for all, but maybe for half of them, there's more than what meets the eye. It's unfortunate, because I think a handful of them are nice people who are unfortunately trapped in the wrong group. But they had their experience and that's that. I had enough of organising events thank you very much. It's a pity though, I thought I could make more friends, but it wasn't to be.

Being on the ground and running the show wasn't as stressful as previous year because there was a decently capable team. I didn't sense as much accomplishment or achievement because the bulk of it wasn't done by me. But that was never my intention anyway. There was no sense of ownership. This time I was purely an event organiser. No strings attached. No friends, no one who cares at all. As time goes by, the picture gets clearer and clearer. You see who are the ones who are worth keeping, and the ones who stay. The ones who can click, and the ones who really care. I think it's a sad truth. University isn't a time for bonding. There aren't such thing as true friends. Contrary to popular belief and practices, so much time is invested in 'bonding', outings, meals, studying, sleeping together, but when you leave school, do you actually want to see those faces again? Let's be true to ourselves, they are good acquaintances, good contacts to have, in short, you were just networking. It's really stupid to do Hi-s and Bye-s whenever we bump into someone we know along the corridor. And that's why I rather not put myself at risk and be vulnerable to such attacks. I would rather hide one corner, or for this sem, I rather minimize the time spent in school altogether. There aren't many keepers. I know for sure there are a few I can safely say we are friends, because of the amount of ranting and gossiping we do to each other. But when we leave the campus grounds, are we still gonna have a common platform to do such things that make us friends?

My wish has come true. Finally. My phone stopped vibrating. It's amazing. IT'S AMAZING. I can't believe it. For 2 years, it rang and rang. As of last week, it finally stopped. My allegiance to any working group has finally come to an end. But not for long. 3 project groups to be formed. I'd better appreciate the peace and tranquillity for now.

Just as I was starting to wonder whether I would be better off living in my own world, the chance to go for exchange sprang up. I had no one to apply with. Those who wanted to go have left, those remain aren't going. It's just me myself and I. And so, I applied alone. The results won't be out till next week, so I won't talk much about it. But the thought of travelling alone all over Europe, is somewhat intimidating yet liberating. Yes, everyone says you can always make friends there and travel with them. But we all know, a group of good travel buddies or even a single travel buddy is hard to come by. What are the chances of meeting people who are of the same wavelength? At the thought of that, I conclude that travelling on my own would be a better option. But there are issues travelling alone too. Safety is of primary concern. And of course, companionship. Even if you are there, experiencing something out of this world, having a ball of a time, there's no one to share it with you. You look at the sun setting in the horizons and instinctively mutter, "It's beautiful right?" only to realise there is no one to your right to agree or disagree.

At the very least, nothing is confirmed. I may not even get a placing, or I may decide it is too expensive to go. Or maybe, something else life changing happens before the trip. Or I could just die tomorrow. We would never know, right?

Magical mystery ride

I've never expected myself to be so affected by something. Been feeling down the entire day. And it doesn't help that I'm being myself, observing and all, but at the same time being drawn into the uncertain, torn between being wisely analytical and stupidly over thinking. 

It's extremely tormenting,

when you are hot and cold at the same time.   

Came across the song All of Me by John Legend on the radio and instantly related to the lyrics, all but a happy ending.

Social Interactions

I was looking for a better word to describe the irony of life, other than the overused 'roller coaster', but I couldn't think of any. Stock market? Elevator? I'm getting horrible at expressing myself.

The festive season always calls for social interactions, and even though I have had this fixed mindset that I hate social settings for the longest time, I had to admit that I did gain much from such experiences recently. But inevitably, there was no running away from the inherent flaws of these settings.

The idea of doing garang guni for canvassing scares the shit out of any introvert, and there wasn't any exception for me. I shuddered at the thought of knocking on people's doors and disturbing the peace and tranquillity of others' private lives. But when thrown into the job, especially as a senior setting an example, I had no choice but to do it and do it well. And despite all the fears of being rejected or even getting into trouble, instead I derived much joy and satisfaction in talking to people, to people you would never talk to on a normal day. I realised that when you stop being so conscious about yourself, but instead, focus more on the other party, the interaction becomes so much more genuine and truthful. These people are just average Singaporeans, like me and you, fellow countrymen living in pockets of spaces. Generally they live similar lives, have jobs to obtain a fixed income, have kids that go through the same education system, have laundry to do, leisure weekend activities to indulge in, family and friendship ties to maintain, and stay in weekends to recharge. They are in fact very human. By being nice and polite to these human beings, in turn, they become nice and polite to you too.

By walking the corridors of these iconic and familiar residential flats, I saw another side of society. Those forgotten, undesired, cast aside, misfits of an economically driven society. An old man walks out of his flat, and retreats minutes later, only to come back out for some fresh air and a neighbourhood watch. A group of men from China huddling in a small living room playing computer games while a family from India pounding spices in the kitchen. Then there are those flats which have doors ajar offering a peek to a room of darkness and nothing else. One can only guess what goes on inside. Sickness, solitude, sorrow are the first things that come to mind. There was only so much I could do: empathise. And that is why I realised I gained so much more from this so-called 'recycling project'. It was another reminder of how appreciative I should be of the life I have, to be able to sit down here, in front of a computer screen, expensive speakers, soothing music, comfortable work chair, and the breeze blowing in my face, while being reasonably, I say reasonably, healthy. I was reminded of how cruel society can be. The Parliament debates non-stop about the larger issues of economic based policies, everything material, but the powerful ones fail to walk the grounds and sense the inequality and see the reality of living the average life. I have always believed in fighting for your own survival and not depending on others or in this case, the Government to feed you. But the fact that our country has evolved to this unrecognisable money driven state saddens me. Yes, everyone would love to live a luxurious and comfortable life, but at the expense of everything and everyone else? I have never been an avid fan of discussing politics, but I have been trained to have an opinion, and my opinion is that we are moving too much too fast. 

Anyways, back to the topic of social interaction, Chinese New Year is perhaps the best if not worst time for you to assess your own progress in life. People ask you the darnest things, and if you have not prepared an answer for it, just be prepared to look like a fool. That is how it has been for me. I have been forced to feel guilty for not being caught up in the rat race. A while ago, I was thinking why bother about them, just smile, nod your head and carry on with your mundane simple life. Then a chain of recent events got me thinking. I realised I cannot be living for myself any more. I gotta start preparing myself for the future, more of such things, to be someone capable of standing your own ground, between others and your family. There are gonna be people depending on me, looking to me for a sign, direction, protection. The responsibilities are yearning a master. I can't be running away from them. I can't live for myself any more, preparation and training starts now.

As much as I want to be the guy who has got it all sorted out, I am far from it. I have had my moments of conflict, uncertainty, confusion, insecurities. The process of growing up is no mean feat. And the pressure is starting to mount at this phase of life. 

Dilemma, another dilemma. What is true happiness? Some say true happiness is to see your loved one being truly happy. Logically it makes sense. I would want the best and only the best for her. If only there were no irregularities in life, things would be perfect. But it is not to be. Complications set in when you realise that you are not the best. Isn't it such an irony? When you have finally found someone who is so perfect, at least for you, but you got this tinge that you are not good enough and don't deserve such a privilege as she could be better off with someone other than you. And yet you will find true happiness when you send her off to someone else. What sorcery is this??

Whatever that meant, it could be solved only when you start becoming the best there is. Not the best of the best, but the best for her. So I conclude, when you finally find yourself worthy enough to give her happiness, you find true happiness. And when you are born with no talents, not even Flappy Bird, that is when hard work comes into place. But whatever the case, it still takes two hands to clap. 

Living in limbo because everything is too good to be true.       

Twist of events

Initially, I didn't want to recount much about the past semester. But I thought, maybe, just maybe the past semester could prove to be a life changing period of time.

Dinner and Dance was fine, and could be deemed a huge success given the low expectations of everyone when they heard of the situation we were in. I have never said this to anyone, but how I felt after the event was somewhat weird. Normally, as an organiser of a big event, upon the completion of the event, one would feel relieved, happy, glad, burden dropped, etc I suppose? I felt none of it.

I was in a total daze.

Right after the prize presentation, there was the traditional photo taking on stage. Whilst I was still busy liaising with the DJ, emcees and even the buses for the after party, everyone was busy taking photos. And what pissed me off was when I was left scrambling to take my position at the side of the big group while the 'key people' were in the centre. I had to resort to sticking a head in just before the shutter went off. Isn't it amazing? What's more amazing is that, Facebook was flooded with photos after the event, and I realised everyone had a million of them posted while I had none.

Let's make things clear, I'm not unhappy over the lack of photos.

I was unhappy that people had the time to go around snapping while I was the only one running up and down ensuring everything ran smoothly, was on schedule, and all the teeny weeny details weren't left out. I barely had the time to breathe let alone take photos. Then the final group photo. To be left out and forgotten just irked me. It would be fine if I merely played a small role. But the fact that without doubt, I put in the most effort and amount of work into this, and I wasn't even remembered left me feeling utterly bitter.

What made things worse was that while everyone was happily hanging out with their OGs, I had no one to turn to after I was done with my duties. I felt so lonely. And that was when I felt my van probably felt me more than anyone else present. It was like everything was so foreign and alien, apart from my own vehicle.

Everyone packed their stuff and ran off to the club as expected, while I was left picking up the pieces. I don't feel sad about that, because I knew that was still my job. Signing the hotel bill, making payment to the vendors, collecting lost and found items, clearing up the holding room etc etc. I expected those and was really touched my OG pageant girl actually stayed behind to try to help or at least provide company to a worn out lonely guy.

I was never comfortable in the club as expected, and yea, back to taking care of the drunk and dealing with hotel issues crises at 4am. After the storm cooled when the sun rose, I decided that I had no place there and retreated to the van and drove home, where I truly belong. The drive home was extremely liberating. I remember driving up a flyover and upon reaching the top, a beautiful sunrise greeted me, as if telling me there are still better things in life to look forward to. A lot of drama unfolded that night, and I thought it would be wise to just forget about it.

Elections

I was in a big dilemma when elections came by. I know I said before never to go for another term, but circumstances forced me to reconsider the option. There was a lack of experience in the new team. And I was a bit greedy, attracted to the 'big 4' role and thought about how it would look nice on the resume. But ultimately, I decided against it, after looking back at the amount of commitment and dedication was required to get through the year. Even being in a non-executing role, the small bits and pieces here and there, plus the late night meetings reminded me how much time would be sucked away. There were many other considerations as well, like the people and new culture, my waning drive, and the larger issue of the recognition, the belief in doing so much that seems unnecessary in the eyes of the average student.

However, even though I didn't go for the elections, I am grateful for it. As through it somehow, I've managed to meet someone whom have got me thinking about the possibility of a happier university life and hopefully life in general. Till next time, tata.

Soul-Mate

Ok, before I start reviewing how the past 6 months has been, I think it is crucial that I introduce a good friend of mine, who ceased to exist as of 20 November 2013.

It has been affectionately called 'Kangoo' or sometimes 'Kangaroo' by my family. And it has earned the name, 'Van of Destiny' after serving the Dinner and Dance committee faithfully. Simply put, without it, the DnD would not have been possible. It belonged to my dad's friend, which it served as a company van, and when 10 years was about up, he bought a replacement and the ageing van was seen as surplus. So, that's how I got it, and was given the privilege to use up the remaining golden 4 months.

After effectively becoming an owner of a green dorky looking manual van, I finally understood why guys call their vehicles their wives. The fact that you spend so much time with it, sitting in the traffic, giving it a bath, introducing to your friends.. and when you are trying to reason your thoughts out loud or singing along to your favourite song that has come on the radio, it can be seen as talking or singing to it as it is the only listener when there's no one else with you. Over time, feelings do develop, no matter how hard you try to distinguish it between an 'it' and a 'she'.

The bulk of its usage was for dinner and dance, transporting people, goods, and was a shuttle bus for the photoshoot at the ulu Seletar. It was used for grocery shopping at Giant, speed racing from Tampines to Jurong when I was late for afternoon lessons and also a dinner companion when I resorted to dabaoing and eating alone. I actually spent quite some time at the back, doing my work, or waiting for people. There was even a play mat and carpet for those behind to have a more comfortable ride as the floor was pretty uneven and hard.

Besides the soft values of developing affection and taking care of it, I learnt the administrative side of owning a vehicle. Applying for season parking, insurance and pumping diesel for the first time.

No matter how hard I tried to protect and take care of what belongs to me, accidents still happen.

Similar to breaking your loved ones' hearts, I literally broke my friend. I swore I was aware of the low ceiling behind while parking, but taking your eyes off for a second proves too costly on the roads. Feeling remorseful and sad, I spent almost 3 hours cleaning up the glass shreds and patching up the rear window with a double layer of plastic to last its remaining days.

And when it was time to say goodbye, I took some final shots, albeit not very glamorous given the time constraint.

The short 4 months that had me holding on to the keys of my first wheels was indeed memorable. I gained even more experience on the road, while handling another type and model of vehicle, and more than not, strengthened my ideal that no matter what obstacles are in place, I must have my own set of wheels in future. While some argue that driving is a privilege for those who can afford it, especially in Singapore, I think it shouldn't be the case. Driving is more than just transport. The enclosed space within the vehicle gives off this sacred feel, and especially so if you have the right and good company. Even if you are without any human company, I believe the soul of the vehicle could provide a certain, unique, kind of companionship.

Farewell my friend, you came into my life and made a difference.