"Danny & Annie" from StoryCorps

One of the first StoryCorps videos I stumbled upon when I started browsing after coming across their 9/11 series to capture a video for each life lost in the episode. After so many years and even though the story is still vivid in my mind, I couldn't help but tear up at the sound of Danny's voice narrating Annie's choice, "I walk in alone with you, I walking out with you alone."

As much as Danny sounded like a grumpy old man when you first hear him, but as the conversation goes on, you feel the love that quietly emits. The core of their love was nothing luxurious, just the confidence of companionship. Danny and Annie were fortunate to find their lifetime companion, that even in death could not do them part. Their love lives on.

For I am self

Somehow this has always been the place I run to whenever I needed an outlet. When my supposed confidante fails me and becomes my source of dilemma.

Since becoming a wife and daughter-in-law, then a mother, there have been many times I had to juggle my relationships. Trying to give each one a supposed ranking and priority, which honestly isn't fair to anyone. How do you judge if your parents should take priority over your in-laws? Or your husband over your daddy? Each situation warps the usual decision matrix. A sick husband, a possibly contagious niece that should be kept apart from your own little one, with a daddy dearest looking forward to spending his birthday with his forever lil girls. Trust that the husband will be able to take care of himself and handle the lil one, risking the possibility of being label an irresponsible wife and mother? Or disappoint the man that slough his youth providing for his lil girls sacrificing his chance during younger days to enjoy life's pleasures, and be labeled an unfilial daughter? Sure either choice could not end in as drastic of an outcome, but the personal struggle to have to pick a choice still hurts. In the end the in between choice always ends up disappointing all parties. Everyone had to make a compromise. Nobody gets their wished outcome.

While I may self-console that I am strong I can handle relationship dilemmas. My family and friends are understanding and can see my predicament and meet halfway in their expectations. It is a personal failure on my part to be unable to reach their expectations.

I am no Wonder Woman, although I wish I am. I am daughter. I am wife. I am mother. And most importantly I am self, that I have no issues prioritizing. For if there is no self, there is nothing else.

Worn out

Relationships are such delicate existence. They arise from coincidence to planned creations. When they exist, they can be strong that no tornado of doubt or discord could question it. But once it starts to break down, there seems to be no road for return.

When it's all well, everyone takes it for granted. That is also what makes it ironically vulnerable. Like a team carrying a load, one by one conveniently "relieves" themselves of the duty of sharing the load, with the confidence the others will help carry theirs. Instead of voicing out early and amicably, the ones left bearing the load and grudge without understanding why the others had to relieve their duties. The ones who left takes for granted their load is well handled and doesn't make the effort for their speedy returns. While the ones carrying the load eventually burst into angst and hatred, when in the first place their overloaded bodies were not made aware to their teammates.

Then everything breaks down. Tension eruptions. The load is split but with it added the burden of hurt emotions.

Harsh exchanges are made. Relationships held by no more than a over-stretched band. There but useless. In fact more of an eyesore. Yet no one can just throw it out. It's just worn out.