Sometimes I'm so glad I decided not to trust and not to believe so much anymore, but it still hurts so badly to hear such words from the girl I love.

I just wanna drown my misery in alcohol and do whatever crazy shit I want right now.

Woke up from a dream feeling super moody.
I think it was one of the worst nightmare I've ever had.

The rest of my day is effectively ruined now.

There's this unspeakable sadness inside my heart gnawing away at me every single day.
I really want to get rid of it but I can't. I really wonder why.

Its not what's underneath you that defines you, its the actions you take that do.

Don't judge what I'm about to say.

Isn't it easier sometimes to shut yourself off and disregard the rest of the world?
I've come to understand that my existence is but a small and tiny one, and I'm just another person passing by in anyone's life at any point of time, and could go easily away like the wind.

Sometimes I've asked myself countless times, who are really my friends?
Are they those who are beside me all the time?
Are they the ones who can hang out with me the most?
Are they the ones I can share my problems with without holding back?

I just feel that my efforts are futile sometimes. Who appreciates it? Everyone takes it for granted. Why should I ask them out? Why should I bother?

But when I think of the times we've spent, doing something or doing nothing, I want to see them. I want to see my friends.

Eventually everyone's going to leave me anyway. I guess I just have to take it to stride.


There's just this numbing heartache that I can't describe, throbbing from within and slowly dying out.

So I've finally finished my job!
I'm pretty happy I'm done with it.
Working really... hmm.
But as a telemarketer I really think its kind of boring hahaha.

In any case, its over, so I've moved on to other things!
I've decided to work at Westmall Swensens even though the pay sucks. Oh well. Its nearby anyway.

Chose my timetable, I got what I wanted, results are out, kinda average (or sub-par, depending on how you look at it), and yea. I just hope I can do better. I really think I'm not cut out for studying, can't put effort into it. I don't think I'm giving my best, but I can't be arsed to either.


So what am I doing with my life? I don't know. I feel like I'm just going with the flow.
And I think I've become screwed up in other ways. Hmm.
A reflection would not be of any help at all.
I don't think there's anything that could change me or save me anymore, except myself.

But for now, I'm enjoying this change.

Taking the first step of believing is the first step to hurting yourself.

When you've chosen to block part of your emotion, and just deal with the problem
Don't think about it, don't try to solve it, don't try to come up with a reason,
everything feels and looks so much better.


I have to say I do feel abit heavy-hearted, but that's nothing I couldn't deal with.


But all I ever needed was to feel wanted.
Just tell me you need me, just show that you want to talk to me, and I'll be by your side.



Anyway, I can't wait for my work contract term to end! I really don't like calling people up so damn much, but its the only way I can pass time there. And to think its at Haw Par Villa. Hahahaha. But once work ends, I think I can enjoy myself already. 3 days so far, 7 more days to go, I'm sure I'll be able to pull through!

Then I can go drinking with my friends again near the end of the holidays. Really looking forward to all that.

Another 2 more hours to my sleep time, guess I have to make the best of it.

Wonder if there is ever a point to being faithful?

When you're too faithful and the other person doesn't feel the same way, then what?
You're fucked.

But was there really ever a point to falling deeply in love with someone, only to get rejected in the end, or failing to gain anything from it? Usually girls want faithful guys, but they just don't fall for the faithful ones. Ironic isn't it? They just never seem to consider the person next to them.

But its alright, its all normal. Its common.

But faith?

Nope, never gonna deal with any of that again.

So I am here again.
Not sure what to blog about so.. Shall just randomly pen down my thoughts here.

So.. have you all ever felt the need to punish yourself for doing something you felt was your fault?
I did.

Have you ever felt the need to screw yourself over and don't give a shit about anything anymore?
I did.

Have you ever come to a realization that what you're doing is wrong and finally wake up?
I did.

Recently I'm not sure what I'm doing. I feel like a mess, and I'm not sure why. Is this still part of growing up I wonder? Its like a male's form of PMS except its less brutal to others and more brutal to yourself.
Even if I found someone to tell my troubles about, what could it do? I don't even know what my troubles are.
I don't think anybody can tell me what to do right now.

First thing to do is to get rid of what I have right now. Need to finish it fast. Hmm.

In any case, I'm not about to self-mutilate so don't worry. Or is there anybody even worrying?

Drank at Timbre with my friends on Thursday, had to say it was an enjoyable experience, though it was only 2 drinks. Oh well, it sure burned a huge hole in my pocket and I'm left with almost no money after buying a new guitar.

I've also applied for some jobs but they have yet to get back to me. I really need money.

And I guess its true after all that money won't betray you, not your feelings, not your expectations. It has an actual unit of measurement of its value, and what can be bought with it, is sure to be able to be bought with except for circumstances that prevent it to, such as no more stock, or unable to get it transported.

That's all for this nonsensical rant, I think I've got to sleep off this confusion.