Of Your Assistance I Implore

Dearest fellow,

I humbly seek your most urgent attention for a matter of most import. To my attention has come news that a musical group of note by which is known as “Bourbon Jockey” will be performing at your city at the soonest Thursday night from this date. It has been my dream of my lifetime to enjoy such musical pleasure in the city of Portland Orgon.

My late-uncle, who was most fortunate to be Minister of Foreign Culture in the nation of Nigeria before his recent death, wished me to have this absurd pleasure. Having wished that for me and to assure such would take place, he placed a sum of $3,000,000 million US dollars in a secret account. This sum to be used to travel me to listen to your Bourbon Jockey, of which I am biggest fan, on May 20, 2010 at Roots Organic Brewing Company.

Having demised unfortunately of an accident, my uncle failed to leave instructions regarding the sending of this money to my account for the purpose of hearing Bourbon Jockey. My remaining relatives which are of evil intention have made to block me from my due right to this sum. More so, I am locked in a closet and prevented from all person contact except by the internets.

Of favor to me and in interest of your enjoyment of fine music, I am implore you to visit the Bourbon Jockey performance on May 20, 2010. It is of my knowledge that Bourbon Jockey makes western music of roots variety for the enjoyment of the people and the drinking of the beer.

I ask of your assistance to please attend this most important event for to write to me describing its wonders after its completion. This way I will have enjoyment too. Also, it would be of true assistance to also send me your bank account number and all codes which are necessary for making it of access to me.

For learning more, one may read of the famous Bourbon Jockey in this writing of blog from many months ago.

Sincerely and with honest hope,

Mrs. Martha Kwesi Ubunde

WHO: BOURBON JOCKEY featuring Mighty Toy Cannon

WHEN: Thursday, May 20, 2010. From 8:00-ish to Whenever-ish

WHERE: Roots Organic Brewing Co., 1530 SE 7th, Portland OR

HOW: By the plucking of stringed instruments, vocalization and blowing of reeds.

WHY: Why not? You know you want to.

WHO, EXACTLY, IS BOURBON JOCKEY?

Ross McKeen (aka Mighty Toy Cannon): Vocal, Guitar, Harmonica
Matthew Jones (aka Mr. Jones): Bass
Alan Jones (aka The Perfesser): Guitar and harmony vocals
+ Mystery Guest Percussionist known only as Conga Dave

Be There or Be Square

Ladies & Gentlemen
Aficionados of Fine Music and Satisfying Beer
Members of the Press

Step forward and prepare to be dazzled, stunned and stupefied as The Mighty Toy Cannon and the members of the acclaimed musical ensemble, Bourbon Jockey, regale you with feats of vocal virtuosity and strumming of stringed instruments in a manner most astonishing. Step back, there's no need to push, shove or jostle--there will be plenty of room for all of you without raising a ruckus.

Should you choose to partake of a Bourbon Jockey performance, you will be transported on a journey down lost highways and dusty byways of America where you will meet truck drivers, libertine women and deadbeat desperados in the throes of drunken sorrow. Accompanied by the joyous amalgam of melody, harmony and rhythm, you will be besotted by tales of heartbreak and redemption, hope and despair. The bass notes will rumble deep in your bowels whilst the high notes shall pierce the veil of heaven and wrap you as if by the gossamer wings of the very angels themselves.

FEAR NOT brave spectator! The burden of sadness and introspection thus launched in your heart and mind may be soothed by quaffing ales concocted through the alchemical magic of the artisans of Roots Organic Brewing Company of Southeast Portland, Oregon and poured with the steady hand of attentive servers dedicated to ministering to your needs and lubricating your parched throat with AMBROSIA.

How much would you expect to pay for an evening of entertainment that lifts the soul while edifying in such a potent fashion? What price the opportunity to hear stirring tales of sin and transgression without suffering the searing heat of BRIMSTONE upon your own reddened cheeks?

Would you not gladly drop a treasury note adorned with the visage of Andrew Jackson into a collection plate for such a privilege? Would you not swoon upon being informed that the only cost of this extravaganza is the humble sacrifice of a token contribution--that is to say that the entry fee is just one thin dime? Two nickels are enough to swing aside the turnstile and afford you the opportunity to partake in the dulcet tones of this renowned ensemble of chamber players steeped in the vernacular of American roots music.

Would you not be further stunned to learn that this meager fee --one-tenth of an American dollar!--were to be fully and unconditionally rebated to you immediately, such that the true cost of this once-in-a-lifetime event is NOT A SINGLE PENNY (as long as you fully commit in your heart within the next ten minutes)?

Yes, you have not misheard us, ladies and gentlemen. But let us repeat this message for the weak-minded and slow of hearing: For the price of a small portion of your leisure and sporting time, you can experience one of the most FASCINATING and CURIOUS musical experiences of the year—indeed of your entire lifetime. Many years hence, your great-grandchildren will gather around your deathbed imploring you to sacrifice your FINAL breath to tell them about the night you heard Mighty Toy Cannon and Bourbon Jockey perform at Roots Organic Brewing Company in the early weeks of the year of Two Aught Ten. Can you fathom the ignomy of admitting to your progeny that you stayed home that evening to watch television?

Don’t take our word for it, heed the insights of others who have bathed in the euphonious river of glorious sound produced by this remarkable conspiracy of musical genius:

“I liked it. It was fun, I guess. The beer was real good. The band looked like they were having fun. I have to get up early tomorrow morning,” said one delighted spectator as he left the venue in the middle of Bourbon Jockey’s penultimate public performance last year.

“They seem to be having a good time up there,” reported another audience member as she plugged her ears, presumably to forestall an overload of joyous goodwill.

Another dumbstruck listener said, “I don’t know what to say. I guess I'll fall back on something my daddy always used to say, ‘Judge not, lest ye be judged.’ I mean, who am I to define what’s good? Look, I could tell you that it wasn’t horrible, but that’s really all I feel comfortable saying right now. Why are you writing this down? I liked the beer and the servers were nice. The band did seem to be having fun, and it’s not like I had anything better to do.”

One long-time fan proffers this advice: “Try to get there early in the set because the singer seems to forget the lyrics the later it gets. Unless you like a lot of humming, you might want to arrive before they’re all drunk, though there’s a better choice of seats after the first fifteen minutes.”

If you doubt the wisdom of your neighbors and common citizens, listen to what the experts have to say. Ethnomusicologist Humphrey Von Humphrey said this after listening to an acetate recording of Bourbon Jockey:

Their harmonies are wholly unique, not only within our traditional concepts of western music but, verily, to the entirety of world culture. Their choices of harmonic intervals – and their apparent ease in shifting those intervals at a microtonal level from moment-to-moment is astonishing. I can safely say that I’ve never heard anything quite like it. The jarring and unexpected microtonal dissonance carries into their instrumental work as well. I’m telling you that it is physically impossible to get that particular sound unless you intentionally fail to tune your instruments relative to each other. Of course, that would be crazy!

Another thing that intrigues me – perhaps 'baffles' is a better term-- is the band's artistic strategies with regard to shifting rhythmic patterns and its curious selection of tempo changes. As an ensemble, they display an uncanny knack for randomly speeding, then slowing the tempo– sometimes even within the traditional verse/chorus form. It’s simply remarkable that they all manage to end each song at approximately the same time—and here I’m talking about ending within at least two measures of each other. I’m reminded of the keening and wailing that accompanies the funeral rites of some tribal cultures, particularly the Oomaomao people who are, as a race, totally deaf.

In an unpublished review, a noted cultural critic declared, "It's as if T-Bone Walker and Hank Williams had a baby. And that baby was born with withered arms and something wrong with its soft palate and was raised by, gosh I don't know, Patsy Cline. And maybe it has a hugely swollen tongue or something. Oh, and the baby is drunk too. Forget the baby analogy ... it's more like if Howling Wolf and George Jones were arm wrestling while Fats Domino and Fats Waller argued over which one of the two was fatter. Never mind. There's just a lot going on during a Bourbon Jockey concert and these are grown men who should know better."

Important Details:

Bourbon Jockey
Thursday, January 7, 2009

--starting at 8:00 pm going until they tire--
Roots Organic Brewing Company

1530 SE 7th Avenue, Portland Oregon
No Admission Fee, Cover Charge or other Consideration

Free Membership in the Bourbon Dynasty

(the exclusive Fan Club of Bourbon Jockey)

Recommended Dress: Classy Dungarees/Tube Tops

Bourbon Jockey is:

Ross McKeen (aka The Mighty Toy Cannon): Singin’, guitar slingin’ and harmonica blowin'.
Alan Cole (aka The Perfesser): Six string fireworks and harmony yelpin'.
Matthew Jones (aka Matthew): Upright bass thumpin' and gravitas.

Hooves of Fury

On Sunday afternoon, my wife, father-in-law and I cantered over to the Rose Garden Arena to watch the “World Famous” LIPIZZANER STALLIONS. (Please note that the official, branded name of the company is exactly that: The “World Famous” LIPIZZANER STALLIONS).

The company tours nationally and internationally and has reportedly been seen by some 27 million people since 1970. The tour stop before Portland was McMinnville; the next eight stops are Yakima, Pendleton, Okanogon, Ellensberg, Spokane, Moses Lake, and Walla Walla. At the end of July they’ll be performing in Wasila, Alaska. We’ll see how it plays in Peoria when the show arrives there in mid-September. You get the picture? This is one heavy-duty touring show. To survive under such touring conditions, you would have to be strong as a … well… as a horse.

One of the benefits of working in the nonprofit arts world is the occasional complimentary ticket thrown your way. Sometimes you're offered a comp as a friendly gesture, sometimes they're given to curry favor, and often someone just wants to fill empty seats (“paper the house”) so the paying guests won’t be alarmed by finding themselves sitting alone in an empty venue.

My wife grew up with horses. Her family still have a brace of them kicking around the farm, so I figured she might enjoy the show. We offered the extra ticket to her father, who was happy to tag along and do the driving. As for me, I considered the show to be market research. I’m always curious about how our for-profit cultural competitors manage to grab a respectable share of the family entertainment dollar. Entertainment extravaganzas attract a sizeable audience to places like the Rose Garden and Memorial Coliseum. Shows such as Disney on Ice, the Ice Capades, and Kings of Death Metal on Ice are popular and, I presume, lucrative.

While my tickets were free, here’s what a family of four might have spent for the two hour show we enjoyed:

Tickets for 2 Adults = $80.00 ($32.50 + $7.50 fee each)
Tickets for 2 Kids = $76.00 ($30.50 + $7.50 fee)
Delivery Fees = $4.50 (with $2 extra for Will Call)
Order Charge = $4.75
Parking = $10.00
Souvenir Program = $12.00 (sorry kids, you’ll have to share)
Souvenir T-shirt for the boy = $25.00
Souvenir hoodie for the girl = $35.00
Souvenir throw blanket for Grandma = $75.00*
4 burger basket meals = $38.00
2 sodas in souvenir cups = $15.00
1 Red Bull for Mom = $6.00
4 Widmers for Dad = $32.00
3 frozen yogurt waffle cones = $16.50 (Dad will just have another beer)
1 cream cheese stuffed pretzel for Grandma = $5.00*

TOTAL $436.75

* Presumes Grandma is waiting in the car during the show.

Perhaps it was that potential price tag that left most of the seats in the Rose Garden empty. The north quarter of the arena was closed to create a backstage for the ponies, and the 300 level (nose bleed seats) was shut down. I’m bad at estimating numbers, but my rough guess is that the place was maybe one-third full ---2,000-3,000 people at most. That’s a full house in the Keller Auditorium. Not too shabby, except that I’ll bet the promoters took a big loss on that show.

Heavily represented in the audience were: (1) Little girls who love ponies; (2) People with walkers; and, (3) Sailors in town for Fleet Week. (I’m kidding about the sailors). The crowd was not what I would call diverse. Now that I think about it, there are probably more African Americans on the Rose Garden court at one time during a Blazer’s game than there were watching The “World Famous” LIPAZZANER STALLIONS.

What about the show? Despite my studied attempt to appear jaded and cynical, I tell you the show was fun--both entertaining and educational. The emcee, Troy Tinker (seriously), introduced the horses and riders while presenting the Lipizzaner's long history and explaining the various maneuvers as they were performed. The first half of the show was essentially a demonstration of dressage techniques. In one section titled, “Airs Above the Ground,” techniques honed in battle were demonstrated--techniques such as the “Capriole” in which the stallion leaps into the air, draws his forelegs under his chest, and kicks out violently with his hind legs. Then there’s the “Courbette” which requires the horse to rear up, then hop on its rear legs. This move is known to leave the enemy slack-jawed and dumfounded. Here’s the Courbette in action:



I don’t know how I would have felt had I paid for the tickets, but we had a good time watching some remarkable performers--human and equine. I can think of only six things that would have made the “World Famous” LIPIZZANER STALLIONS show better:

1) Add a unicorn or two.
2) Put on a jousting match in the second act.
3) Invite celebrity stallions to compete.
4) Add the word “X-TREME” to the name.
5) Harlem Globetrotters vs. Lipizzaner Stallions.
6) Narrator: Charles Bukowski.

Photo: Not a real Lipizzaner Stallion, this is one of Portland's famous sidewalk ponies tethered to a horse ring in my neighborhood.

Storm vs. Princess Leia

The personal memoir has had a fantastic decade, with bestsellers by such authors as Dave Eggers and David Sedaris, as well as Augusten Burroughs ("Running with Scissors") and Jeannette Walls ("The Glass Castle"). But the theater, too, has always been prime for confession, and right now in the Pacific Northwest two women hold the stages at two of the region's largest theaters. Carrie Fisher is at Seattle Repertory Theatre performing her one woman show Wishful Drinking, a hit with audiences everywhere it plays. And here in Portland, Storm Large is captivating, and rocking, audiences with Crazy Enough at Portland Center Stage, a "one woman with bitchin' band" show.


With the usual healthy rivalry between Portland and Seattle in mind, the ever witty and clever Trisha Pancio (who is publicist for PCS) responded to a challenge about comparing the two shows for savvy theatergoers. Caveat: Trisha has only read about Ms. Fisher's show, so we're sure there are more opportunities for her to score some meaningful points.


But for now, here's a scorecard:










Carrie vs. Storm, a breakdown

Drugs
Carrie: Codeine
Storm: Heroin
Point goes to: Storm

Effed- up parents
Carrie’s dad: smoked pot
Storm’s mom: repeatedly attempted suicide
Point goes to: Storm

Musician relationships
Carrie married: Paul Simon
Storm lives with: Davey Nipples from Everclear
Point goes to: Carrie (I mean c’mon! Paul SIMON?)

Weird props
Carrie: Princess Leia buns
Storm: dildos shrunken by her ridiculously large man hands
Point goes to: Storm

Claim to fame
Carrie: OMG the bestest scifi film of all time
Storm: Reality TV
Point goes to: Carrie

Audience interaction
Carrie: “Learn How to Have Sex with a concrete statue of myself”
Storm: “Hey boys! Learn to sing about your 8 mile wide vagina!”
Point goes to: Lets call this one a tie

Style
Carrie: One liners and Hollywood insider zingers
Storm: Gut wrenching ballads and anthems about her vagina
Point goes to: STORM.


addendum: a Good Friday conversation about this scorecard that included two of Culture Shock's contributors prompted one more face off point.



Fan base
Carrie: StormTroopers (strange men dressed in those crazy white tin costumes)
Storm: Storm's troopers (including strange young men, but no tin)
Point goes to: damn. Carrie.

Is it live, or...

I admit, I Netflix. And I Facebook. And I Twitter. All of those nouns that have become verbs; I do them. So I'm part of the virtual world, home entertainment world, e-world. But I'm also part of the group of people who attend live performances; in fact, I know I'm an anomaly in that while I have not been to a movie in a movie theater in at least 18 months, I've been to at least three or four live performances per month in that same time. And while I do use Netflix, my current movie has been on my coffee table for about six weeks. So much for the "bargain."

You get the picture: I have a distinct preference for a live experience when it comes to my entertainment. I have a TV; I watch it. It's a 19" Magnavox, boxy little number. But I don't find it all that compelling.

Anyway...I think I had a bit of an epiphany yesterday. I was over at a neighbor's house for morning bagels and coffee, and we started watching GPS on CNN. And we watched it on a HUGE HDTV, with amazing sound, and using TIVO. Holy cow...

Have you seen Fareed Zakaria in HDTV? And heard that voice in enhanced sound? And skipping all commercials?

Now, I watched some of the election debates at the same neighbor's house, but I obsessed on things like the wrinkles in Joe Biden's shirt, and how you could see each one. And a little on his shiny teeth.

But Fareed...that's a completely different plane of experience. Those eyes...

My conclusion? The live performance experience is, in fact, threatened by home theater. No question. When Fareed is on, that is.