I don't know if it's 心理作用 but the lower part of my spine is starting to hurt. My mind really don't want to work haha. It knows that I have to carry heavy stuff again.

Hmm.. My feeling towards going back to work. Actually I don't really look forward to it. Not quite excited. But I do miss my managers. There are new staff. No idea how they are. Gonna learn menu all over again.

Gonna cut my nails tomorrow. :(

And gonna dye my hair antique rose tomorrow cos I don't want a golden bun. I think it's a sign of growing old. I don't like coloured hair anyhow. Although antique rose is not pure black too. I prefer dark to light colours now? But maybe I'm just lazy to manage the outgrowing hair.

Hmm it's really irritating when people don't reply. But sometimes I don't know what to reply and don't reply too. So I have no rights to complain. Goodnight.

My new cap! Loving it! Although it's quite bhb. Haha!

Picture mirrored.

Lesson learnt: Never let your father carry the mobile phone as you. At least my dad.

He asks me every single thing about the phone. Like I am the developer. -.- There are things I don't know too.

But then again, just got the news that my relative passed away in his sleep. Reminds me that I should treasure everyone around me and treat them better. Treasure everyday cos life is too fragile.

Wow, I can't believe that my exams are done. Yay. Maybe when I look back, I'll regret not studying and trying hard enough. But it's too late to change anything now. Just gonna enjoy myself now. 3 months till results.

Work hard and play hard. Can I don't earn money and just play? I want go cycling, uss, adventure cove and karaoke. I want to go to the beach. Haha. I want watch more Korean shows and improve my Korean.

Need to find a permanent job soon.

I want to go overseas. I want to go Korea, Taiwan and Sydney. Need to earn lots and lots of money before I can go.

NTS: You don't want your brother to ride a bike, so earn more money to buy a car.

I want to step out of my comfort zone.

I want to sleep. Goodnight.

Too crazy. Elc is just too crazy. Most are not going in. Those which went in are coming out simultaneously. Now I feel fr is easier to pass than elc. gg.com chweekinkeong v digiland.com

现在的我正在做垂死的挣扎。请为我祈祷和助我好运。临时抱佛脚, 现在连佛都帮不了我了。

Regretting everything now. Haha. Why did I choose uol in the first place. I must be mad. I'm gonna give up soon. This is no good. But I mean I forget what ever I try to remember.

Elc is one subject which tests your memory instead of your understanding. Memory already full.

And I dreamt of elc twice yesterday. I guess it'll never come true. Positive self talk. Yes, I can do it! But why does it feel like I'm lying to myself. Haha...

Feels like I can do nothing right. Jacks of all (some) trades, master of none?

Last paper already. Go go go! So sian. Always after a productive day, the next day is soooo unproductive. Complacent. Crazy, I know I can't afford it. But I still...

마지막 시험입니다. 화이팅. 내일 열심히 공부하세요.

Suddenly feel that it is actually easier to pass fr than elc. Haha. GG, come on. Let's go! Elc the last paper. Many many many cases.

沒有不高興，只是覺得人生真的令人感到疲憊。希望快快考完試，但是之後就要立刻做工了。根本沒辦法休息。已經累了。

好想給自己放個長假，但只能在自己賺夠錢以後。可是話又說回來，錢怎麼可能賺得夠呢？

Now that I'm okay, I always have this strong feeling that my first ever plane ride would be work related. Somehow, always have that feeling.

My mood is really horrible these few days. Pissed about almost every single thing. Don't know why too.

So this morning, my dad bought breakfast home asked me if I would like umian or charsiew rice. I said charsiew rice and he replied, "I wanted to leave it for ah di." Then I thought, why you asked me in the first place.

I think it's just the the perception and the person. I already have something against him, so whatever he does and says just annoys me. I just don't like his personality.

Like when my di messaged me and asked if I want supper, I said yes. And he said buy yourself, I find it funny. Bias is such a scary thing.

Becoming narrow-minded. Haha. Cos my brother is picky, so he gets what he wants. Sometimes I feel like 'learning' from him, don't want means don't want. But this way only makes my mother more troubled.

But of course I know that my personality is not perfect too. Nobody is.

Don't know, just feel that life is too tiring to just care about people and forget about oneself. For a few days already. Sian.

Feeling so unmotivated in life suddenly.

The definition of life: Life.
Life is just as it, too complicated to define.

I'm going back to work next week. I don't know how I'm feeling. It's like I need to earn some money.

But I don't know, I don't feel like serving anymore. It's like putting people's needs before you all over again. I guess, I'm tired, still tired.

On the other hand, I feel irritated when people say that the service in Singapore is not good. I believe it's because no singaporean wants to work in the FnB line. That's why I wanted to change it. Will one person's effort be enough? I wanted to, but I know how singaporeans think, cos I am one too. I am just like them. Who would want to serve when we have been served all our lives.

Maybe, just maybe, after I get some feel of the working life on an office, I might miss the feeling I get in the FnB industry and return to it.

I know most people appreciate us, some don't. They really don't.

I think my elder brother will be the best bf/husband/father ever. He's so much of a househusband.

Just cooked tomyum udon for us- his gf, bro and I. The taste is not bad. Heheh.

So nice to have someone with similar interest. Both of them like to cook and bake. Hohoho, 有福了。Think they gonna bake now. Yumyum. Sacrificed my study table for good food. Worth it!

Sometimes I think maybe I'm not that much of a good friend afterall. Haha. I guess cos I know people has high expectations of me, but I always disappoint.

I don't know, but must I always put others before myself?

너무 피곤한다.

I think I'm overly sensitive.

It's so funny I don't even know what you want. I want go nearby, you ask me take plane. I want take plane, you ask me save money. Trying to save cost go free and easy, ask me to go with tour. What... So I should just stay in Singapore?

Sian. I also want to go overseas. So do I find a ft job now since I won't be going overseas? What a sad life.

But it's only fair right. Elder brother supported me for uni. As an elder sis, I should support my younger bro.

又再一次的失望。

I feel like disappearing for a day. How to study like that.

You'll never understand.. I know it's just a comment, but I'm just thinking too much into it.

Suddenly the burden on family falls on me. I really want to enjoy my grad trip. I really want to, but I'm hesitating. I have to spend so much. Both my brothers are gonna continue their studies. I promised to pay for my younger bro's hall. I owe my elder bro so much for my uni. I want to pay him and help him with his private u tuition fees too. Mum's health isn't too good recently. Hope that she can don't work. 

I realised how much I spent on Korean. I just did. Hai, so broke now.. I need to work a lot.

Hahah, I know it's impossible yet. But I really want to buy a car for family use. I'd rather I work like crazy than to have my family worry for my younger brother's safety on bike.

But it's a little late to back out now.

I don't know.. If a relationship, of any kind, is built on the fear of making others upset, is it a healthy one? Like you can't talk openly without having much to worry about. Maybe it's only me thinking too much. But.. You know sometimes our thoughts and perceptions to things are too different.

How sia.. Life is just too difficult. But I will endure for the sake of my loved ones. Live for yourself, or live for others? Just live on.

I'm fine, just troubled.

And I guess that's why I can never do well for a single subject in uni. Determined to do well for esap, and felt like puking the whole of today. Even till now.

Productivity dropped to 5%, now esap is my least prepared paper for my whole uni life. Good luck to me tomorrow. I hope tomorrow I will feel better. Chiong last minute with 120% efficiency.

My elder brother and I are same. "I'm on a diet." Next moment, I think I should cook some noodles.

Quote of our lives: Eat first, diet later.

Sians, sleepy already. Would have spammed caffeine and sour stuff of not for the fear of cramps.

Had really bad cramps that day when I had coffee the day before.

Can't afford to risk my esap. Cramp today, don't need to study already. Cramp tomorrow, exam gg.

Uncle가 집에 있어요. Uncle at my house. I was studying in the living room, talking to parents. Moved into my room. He said, "we too noisy, disturb you right." I have to be polite and said, "No lar, it's too warm so I go inside to on aircon." But truth is, I only on fan. First day always makes me feel weak, even if it's only psychological.

I know I shouldn't do last minute revision, but I just can't help it. Gonna sleep now. As the progression is better than expected. One more section, 1 chapter more to go. And complete the remaining of section b. Recap.

I place much hope on my esap, please don't disappoint me like isorg.

Conflict!

Conflict between what I want to do and what I need to do.

I want to go travel... But means I can only work Ippudo part time until then and start a full time job after the trip. Sounds fine? Kind of tired of serving. Haha. Sticky floor.

I really want to support my brother for his uni. My elder bro too, he wants to continue his studies. I still owe him so much. I want to work so my mum does not need to work anymore.

But best is if I can don't work. Haha, I really hope to have a change of environment. But I think no company would want me due to my lousy results. And inexperience.

9 more days. So fast. Time is chasing me instead. I hope they come slowly cos I've got not enough time to study.

The Story of the Precious Two Piece Chicken

This two pieces of chicken are very very precious. Both my brothers 夹 for me during the wedding lunch. First time you know, especially my younger brother.

Feel so pampered, seated between the two of them.

Last time was a suffering, always kenna bullied. But now it's <3. :))

Sometimes I really regret taking accountancy. I really prefer psychology, if not for the course fee.  Argh.

But I like to calculate cashflows. Just that I don't like balance sheet cos it never ever balances. But it's interesting. Just that I don't really understand.......

I am so ashamed of my results. But there is nothing I can do. Heh.

But psychology is fun to read, not interesting to study. Conclusion: Studying is never fun.

But at least, when asked, what I like about psychology, I can answer it easily.

I don't know what I like actually. Haha. I don't like sales, cos talk to much, but I was a server. I had to deal with people. So, I also don't know. Haha.

Poof, and 12 more days to freedom. But can I don't work that soon?

First serious 2 to 1 job interview. My previous experiences were interview 1 to 2, by Fujibe-san, the monkey manager. Some interview for adhoc, and 2 to 5 casual interview. Omg, it's so difficult. It's like oral, with a lot of application of knowledge.

I don't even know what I like about accountancy. Omg, gg. Haha. Too tired and sick to think straight.

I'm scared of interview already. How to find a job? Hahaha. The interviewers are friendly though. But I cmi.

It's hard to shop for a pair of heels for myself. Nice designs, heels too high. But most low heels aren't nice, fat and flat. Unless they are wedges.

And so I bought a 10cm heels yesterday, for the wedding ceremony of my cousin. I didn't realise it was 10cm. Surprisingly now I can walk stably in heels, quite. I'm reaching 1.8 in that part of heels. So that's how people in high 1.7 see.

gg.com Tomorrow is the paper with the most question marks, I mean most of what i read is attached with a question mark. And I am going to sleep now. My weak body refuses to cooperate. Feeling slightly better the past two days, but condition is going bad again. Nose must run everyday. Can't risk my esap paper for fr. Fr, I am too confident of failing. I don't even know if I know a single thing.

Panicked cos I read online that for law paper, I need a 40 to pass. Means a 60 for a second lower? Jialat sia. My results are too bad.

Feels like I have already given up on fr. Guess I'll panic for 30 mins tomorrow and spend another 45 mins writing nonsense and stare for the remaining 2hr. I will stay throughout. I really have no idea what is going on in fr. Gid luck to me. Can I crap 34 marks out? Like impossible leh. I don't even think God can help me. Hahahha... :'(

Why does it feel like I'm giving up on fr? Cannot.......... Study tomorrow k. Wasted my whole afternoon and evening and night today. So much could be done. But I look at the thick study guide.. Forget it.

Lecture notes, went through already but question marks.

I shall go through revision notes and consolidation tomorrow. Ahhh. And maybe skim through the important chapters again.

25% of exams done. 50% by Thursday. Let's go!

I miss singing. Can't really song cos I'm still sick. Cough, sneeze, runny nose. :( But better already.

"My fail is reserved for FR." but of course I hope to pass. But don't feel like studying now. :(

Listening to Korean radio station now, trying to learn spoken Korean from him. I only hear word, don't know what and word, can't really understand the sentence. Hopefully if I listen to it often, my Korean will improve. :)

Why I can't concentrate on studying today? Maybe cos I finished the lecture notes and subject guide already. But I still need to recap.

If only I have this motivation and concentrating weeks or months ago. I'd probably ace my papers, some of them.

Wah, I almost finished the entire audit study guide in a day.

Can't wait for my exams to start, so that it will end. But work life. Hahhah. Wednesday and half of my exam will be over. Push on. It will end quicker than I think, 18 more days.

I hope my elder brother can take care of his health, cos we always fall sick together. Okay, this is exaggerating similarities and salient events. This time I think I pass the flu to him.

My elder brother asked me why I am always sick. My answer is I actually haven't recover, sick for weeks already.

I hope my body can tahan for a few more days, and hopefully weeks. These late nights.. I hope my body won't give up on me.

You only feel scared/stressed when you have expectations. Now I'm finally feeling scared for audit. I want to do well for it, cos fr is really gg.

Esap and elc, I'll only start to be worried next week onwards.

Qian Yi arh.. You still have two more days. You can do a lot in 48 hours.

Actually I kind of love exam period. Stay home, and I save lots of money. Save on transport, food.. But my mum needs to buy a lot of instant noodles.

No life, but save money. Actually, I can't wait to go out. Earn money, go shopping and overseas. Not that I love shopping, actually I think I'll prefer to eat nice food. I want easy shio ramen. Yup, from Ippudo.

I shall not only aim for a pass. The most I can get now is a second class lower, and I'm gonna aim for it. Which means, I need to get at least 50 for 3 of my remaining subjects. Forget about FR already. Just hoping for a pass. Audit, ESAP, ELC go go! The many cases of elc.

난 할 수 있어!

If not, I'll be only left with a third class honours. Which is not too bad too, I guess.

Why am I still not motivated to study? Crazy, I think I secretly don't want to graduate.

Do I really need good results to secure a good job, a good life? Seems like it. But the definition of a good life is to be happy right? I want my family to be happy too. Come on, you promised to buy your bro a car. Go study.

I don't even dare to apply for those good companies. Haha. Yeah, results do matter. But... I feel so bored thinking of studying already.

I want to do well, but I don't want to study. Is there a way? Hahha, doubt so.

Go study.. Don't let your family down. Don't let yourself down. Don't waste money.. :((

It's sad when the only motivation you have is thinking of three months later, when you get your results. I don't want to fail.

I really really hope that my brother opens a cupcake/cake shop with his gf. Delicious cupcakes. Then di can be their barista, and me their floor manager cum cashier head cum accountant. Nah, my accounting is bad.

How cool would it be?

Watching 96°c cafe, it seems cool. Hahahha.

Should I go back to Ippudo? Highly doubt so. But I don't want to do accounting also leh. See how again. They are in need of people again. This period. The politics, I really want to help them resolve it.

I have to concentrate on studying now. But I still have no motivation. I know before I realise, exams would be over. But studying is really so boring... Next wed hurry come, after that the next two papers are slightly more interesting, though with lots to memorise.

Finishing the lecture notes, but still don't know what's going on in FR. Don't know what I can remember in audit. Sighhhh.

My third time choreographing. And I would say I feel more confident of it, but if given a choice, I would not use my choreo. But I guess it's so much better than my first.  我第一次编的舞真的是见不得人。But I really have no confidence in my own choreo.

The first took me one whole week. This took my 2 days. But this choreo is shorter. Was really sick before that.