February

I seriously can't believe February is coming to an end. It has been a whirlwind of a month. The time we spent in the hospital seems so short in hindsight! We can't believe our little one will be five weeks old tomorrow! He is such a sweet baby and is growing SO quickly.

I am constantly replaying the day of his birth in my head and I still can't believe it. People frequently ask if we know why he was born so early and when we say "we have no idea" Tyson and I both get the feeling that they don't believe us. It's really strange and it's something that has been bothering me a lot. I get the feeling that people think it was something I did that caused him to be born so early. I could be wrong, maybe no one thinks this, but I was surprised to hear that Tyson felt the same way.

As we were discussing this feeling of being judged, we realized that we had been judging all the other couples in the NICU. We met up with other couples often as we scrubbed in at the big sink and I could never help but wonder why their babies were there. There was one couple I was pretty sure was on meth, a few other couples that were extremely obese, and others like the young teenagers that obviously weren't married that just made me wonder if they were going to be able to take care of their babies. When I realized what I had been thinking about these couples I couldn't believe it! I had judged them the same way I felt I had been judged. It was a good lesson for me and, while it's embarrassing to admit, I wanted to record it so I will be able to learn from and remember it.

Anyway... we've had a good month and have really enjoyed spending some time at home as a family. Here are some pictures.

Tyson holding Callan and our nephew, Crew

The grandparents couldn't be happier.

Callan is starting to spend a few hours of the day awake. His cousin Crew is so much more awake and alert even though Callan is "older." Must just be a preemie thing to sleep ALL THE TIME.

And this little guy continues to make us laugh and melt our hearts.

He is starting to ask A LOT of questions and the way he phrases them is so funny. ie:

"I drink this?"

"What her name be?"

"Why there is blue on?" (holding something blue)

He is trying out a lot of new words and it's so funny to hear him put his sentences together. He frequently says, "I aren't" instead of "I'm not" and always warns me when he's about to do something dangerous with something like, "mom, I'm gonna jump off this couch and it's gonna not be danj-ous."

A few days ago I asked Easton to go play in his room so I could call and make a doctor's appointment for Callan's circumcision. Easton asked if Callan was going to have to get a poke at the doctor's and I said, "no, but he will have to get a little owie that will get better soon." Then the saddest thing happened! Tears just started pouring out of Easton's eyes and he just started sobbing, "Please don't take my baby brother Callan back to the doctors. I like him to stay home with Easton and our whole family! Please don't take him back mom, don't take him back!" I can't say I didn't cry just a little as I assured Easton that I wouldn't take him back and that he's going to stay home with our family. It took about ten minutes to get him to believe me and stop crying. He was so worried that Callan was going to be in the hospital again like he was before! It broke my heart! Easton loves his brother so much! I am completely shocked that he has never tried to hurt him. Easton can be a little rough sometimes, but around Callan he is so soft and gentle. He is constantly talking to him and telling Callan he loves him. So sweet.

The other day Easton and I were looking in the fridge for some healthy food and Easton yelled, "MOM! A 'pider' is coming!" I kind of disregarded it because I didn't really understand him and then I saw Easton RUN full speed out of the kitchen and scream, "MOM! A 'PIDER' IS COMING!" I realized that he was trying to say "spider" and looked over to see an oreo sized spider coming across the kitchen floor right at me! And he was going FAST! It was so disgusting and I give Easton all the credit for saving my life. Smart little guy. He watched me smash it from the couch and then quietly asked, "mom? you smash the pider with my boot?" Oops - I guess it was the closest thing I could find:)

Life as a NICU Milk Cow & Other Happenings

Just wanted to post this part for memories... During Callan's stay in the NICU I pumped approximately 800 ounces of milk. Thank heavens (and Steve & Arlene) for our deep freeze.

In a perfect world it would be organized by date, volume, and shade of yellow but who has the time?

Anyway... I'll have more of my NICU thoughts later. In case you haven't heard, we got Callan home on Saturday morning. Easton couldn't have been more proud of his baby brother and really really loves him. It took us about 24 hours to really convince ourselves that Callan was going to survive at home. We probably didn't let 2 minutes go by without checking to see if his lips were blue - which they were a few times, but he recovers quickly and it's getting more and more rare.

On Sunday I took Easton to Sacrament. It was awesome because he slept for most of it and was an angel while he was awake. Then Tyson came home to switch me and took Easton to nursery. After church we had a visit from Arlene and Hayden. We always laugh at how our moms are so in tune with each other for things like Christmas gifts etc... That night they both brought us dinners and they both brought us fresh home-made bread.

(Don't worry moms - one is white and one is wheat and I can never get enough carbs:)

Monday morning I drove around the valley trying to get a hair appointment since I want to take family pictures ASAP with our unexpected arrival. I couldn't get in anywhere so I made an appt for the afternoon.

We took Callan to his doctor's appointment and he weighed 5lbs 6oz (in the first percentile:). He is doing great. One of the concerns I wanted to discuss with the Dr was Callan's feedings. Before I left the NICU I had to meet with a dietician and lactation consultants to get my orders on how when and what to feed this little one. They said I had to bottle feed him every other feeding so that I could fortify the milk with extra calories and the calcium and phosphorous that he would have received during the third trimester. Maybe I was just sick of being told how to take care of my baby, but it just upset me that I was going to have to do this. I did my best for 2 days and couldn't wait to discuss it with the Dr. Lets face it - PUMPING SUCKS! And that's all I'm going to say about it. Anyway the Dr. said to forget everything about the NICU and start treating this baby like a 10 pound full term baby. So I was happy and I think Callan is gaining enough weight on his own!

After my hair appt, I came home to these.

I just love flowers. And Tyson prepared a delicious pasta dinner for us.

This part was very special for Easton and Tyson. They both LOVE salami and green olives.

We were more than ready by the end of the day to get kids to bed and rest up for another day. Tyson went back to work Tuesday. At 4:30 Tyson was up getting ready, I was up feeding the baby, and Easton (who had been up coughing most of the night) woke up to join the crowd. It was kinda sad. What family wakes up at 4:30? Hoping that doesn't become a part of our routine.

Tuesday was pretty mellow. My friend Jana came to visit and while she was here I noticed Easton had tons of green goop in his eyes. After she left I ran Easton to the doctor. He has pink eye in both eyes. We got an antibiotic ointment for them and I begged for an oral antibiotic as well just to kick whatever else he might have in the butt.

(Random picture of Easton when he popped his big blue ball the other day:)

If I wasn't a germ-o-phobe before, I am now. Today has been very stressful trying to explain to Easton that he's contaminated and we'll have to take Callan back to the hospital if he touches anything. I've spent every spare second wiping down couches, crib, playpen, countertops, high chair, etc... with Clorox wipes and spraying light switches, door knobs, handles, etc... with Lysol. He's already looking a lot better. Just praying Callan doesn't get sick! I know that will be the straw that breaks the camel's back!

(I guess I'm referring to myself as a camel?)

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I'm feeling a little better since my last post. There were a few days of frustration and confusion because that night with hiccup nurse, Callan had an oxygen desat event. His oxygen frequently goes down in what they call "self-resolving" desats. We'll see his oxygen on his monitor drop down for a while and sometimes his upper lip will turn a little blue, but it comes right back up quickly and on his own. Well that night, a nurse that wasn't even caring for Callan came in to his room and charted that he had oxygen desaturation which required vigorous stimulation for over a minute. It was so random because no one really seems to know who charted it or why. The next morning when I got to the hospital, his nurse told me about his desat event and said that the nurse saw milk bubbles in his mouth so they decided he was suffering from reflux. They started thickening his milk with a thickener to help it stay down in his stomach. This was all just so weird to me because he hadn't shown any sign of reflux (and hasn't still). The only reason I'm going along with it is that the neonatologist is attributing his oxygen desat to having milk in his mouth due to reflux so he isn't making him stay 7 days from that event.

I know that was a lot of medical information - but I wanted to have it recorded. Anyway, they took his NG tube out a few hours ago and he passed his hearing and carseat test. We've watched all the videos we have to watch and have completed all of our discharge education. I just have to take a CPR class tonight and we're thinking SATURDAY IS THE DAY! Although I've learned throughout this process not to bank on anything anyone tells me:)

Here's a picture update...

Grandpa Cook

Grandma Cook

First Bottle

Carseat Test

...and my sweet Easton and his horse.

Love that smile.

Venting...

Well, my baby is 2 weeks old today! I love him to pieces and I can't wait to bring him home! For some reason the last few days have been a little rough for me. So I'm feeling the need to vent - just a little...

During Callan's first week there, we had an experience with a nurse that we didn't particularly care for. We finally got to hold our baby with our very favorite nurse, Janie. The next night, we showed up, I got in a gown so I could do some "Kangaroo Care" (aka skin-to-skin), and the nurse comes in and looks at me like, "why are you in a gown?." She acted like we had no right to hold that baby or even touch him for that matter. We finally got her to get him out and let me hold him. I held him for about 15 minutes and she came in to check on him and asked how he was doing. I said, "good, he's just hiccuping away." She said, "hiccups are a sign of overstimulation. We need to put him back." Then she literally walked over and snatched him out of my arms and put him back in his isolette. I was so mad I just wanted to cry my eyes out. Plus, I was supposed to practice breastfeeding with him and obviously didn't get to.

So last Monday, I had a nurse I really liked and I felt like I could talk to her. I asked her what to do if there was a nurse we didn't care for. She told me they get "fired" from certain babies all the time and they don't get their feelings hurt because sometimes personalities just don't mesh. I told her it really wasn't a big deal and I probably wouldn't do anything about it. She said, "well, you're starting to cry." The next thing I knew I was totally bawling. She actually had to go get the charge nurse so I could talk to her in my room because I couldn't stop bawling. She reassured me that it was just the whole postpartum hormones adjusting thing, but I was SO embarrassed! I could not stop crying, but we got it all taken care of. Every night I worried about walking in and finding hiccup nurse and I was so glad I didn't have to worry about that anymore.

So Sunday was the day we were going to try to pass off stage 1 breastfeeding. On my way to the hospital Sunday afternoon, the nurse practitioner called me and told me Callan had been acting so hungry all morning and was really wanting oral feedings. So they skipped him right up to stage 2! I was so happy! The nurse that day was so optimistic about him getting out of there before the end of the week. She even told me to bring in his carseat so we could to the carseat test and everything. Sunday went really well. Callan nursed well and Tyson got to come in that night and feed him his first bottle. (Pictures later sorry). We had nurse Janie that night so we were super excited and relieved he was in good hands. He ate his bottles really well for Janie all night.

Today I get there and the nurse says he wasn't interested in his bottle. The nurses have this thing that they call "getting dumb." They say that in week 35, the babies "get dumb" and forget how to eat. One nurse told me that it's because the baby's brain triples in size that week. The bottom line is - no parent wants to hear that their baby is getting dumb! When I nursed him, he did fine. So who knows if the nurse just wasn't trying very hard, or if he really did have a moment and forget how to eat. It's so frustrating because we're not there to know!

So I was sick with a stomach ache all morning. I came home from the hospital and had Lipton, a bath and a Sprite and decided I should ask Tyson to go feed him a bottle at 9:00 just in case I had a flu bug. (I feel better now.) So Tyson shows up and guess who he sees... HICCUP NURSE! Hiccup nurse did not want him to feed Callan a bottle because he had had one for his previous feeding and they don't like to do them back to back. Tyson persisted and fed him his bottle. Callan doesn't burp very well so they usually have to suck his air out of his stomach through his NG tube. After Callan ate his bottle (like a champ) Tyson asked the nurse to suck out his air. She said she would do it in a little bit. 30 minutes went by so Tyson finally did it himself because Callan was so uncomfortable and crying. He sucked out 40ml of air.

When Tyson came home and told me this, I had to call and ask the charge nurse to please review our list of people who cannot care for our baby (which consists of hiccup nurse only) and switch her assignment. I feel terrible about hurting her feelings, but I also feel like I'm on the verge of turning into a psycho that you would see on the news who unhooks all the baby's monitors and smuggles him home! I just want my baby! And if I can't have him, then I want people taking care of him who are going to hold him and love him like I would.

Ok I think I got it all out. I feel like I'm slowly going crazy. But I guess tomorrow is a new day. Pray for good nurses.

Progress

Just a quick note about Callan's feedings. I had the stages a little wrong in my last post, but now I have it figured out. So...

Stage 1: 1 full feed (10min) per 12 hour shift and must gain 10g/kg/day for 2 consecutive days.

Stage 2: 2 full feeds (10min) per 12 hour shift and must gain 10g/kg/day for 2 consecutive days.

Stage 3: 3 full feeds (10min) per 12 hour shift and must gain 10g/kg/day for 24 hours.

Stage 4: Neonatologist determines a certain volume that must be consumed within a 12 hour period. He can eat every 2-4 hours whenever he wants to. Must consume the determined volume for 24 hours and gain 10g/kg/day.

So really, it could be faster than I originally calculated. Today he did both full feeds and gained his weight so we're making progress! I am feeling a LOT of stress over this eating thing because I feel like I'm partly to blame if he doesn't do it. I know I shouldn't because developmentally he shouldn't even be able to breastfeed yet, but I can't help it:)

He weighs 2115 grams now so 4lbs 10oz ish. Almost back to his birth weight. We're sure proud of our little guy and keeping our fingers crossed for passing off stage 1 tomorrow!

Feeder Grower

It's been a little while since the last update, but baby Callan is still doing really well! They call him a feeder grower now meaning he is totally healthy - he just has to learn how to eat and gain weight. He is in "stage 1" of breastfeeding right now. This means I get to nurse him once per 12 hour shift. If he nurses for 10 minutes it is considered a "full feed." He has to gain weight and have one full feed per shift for 2 days until he can move on to stage 2. Stage 2 is 2 feeds per shift, stage 3 is 3, stage 4 is 4, and stage 5 is eating on demand. He has to pass off each stage for 2 days before moving on. We have been working on stage 1 for 3 or 4 days and he has only had one full feed so far, but it's progress! They say stage 1 takes the longest to pass off.

So... if you do the math (which I constantly am) we've got at least another 10 days ahead of us. That's if he magically started doing full feeds every time. We're probably looking at a couple more weeks. We just have to keep telling ourselves we're so glad he's healthy!

A post can't be complete without some funny Easton lines...

"Mom, when Easton was a girl I pumped milk."

"You weren't a girl East, you were always a boy."

"No, I was a girl on Tuesday."

:)