少了一个，也不缺。日子还是会过得很好。

Reality

Going downhill in life is really scary. One by one aspects of life is affected and it slowly devour you inside, sinking further into the mud pool. Its easier to sink than to climb up. You become someone who you don't want to be. Your flaws, your pathetic side start to show even more.

Will people be there for you? Too wishful. It's too bothersome for them. It's a realistic world out there. If you had a rotting limb, would you amputate it to stop it from spreading? If you are disposed under such condition, it would be understandable. Sadly.

Understanding

I often watch movies, shows, drama, where there are certain scenes or emotions that I don't quite understand or don't maybe fully understand them. But I grow older, I started to understand them more as I encounter one by one.

What happens when you have made a mistake that is against your own standards and had affected the people around you? Bearing the consequences is inevitable. Would there be forgiveness? Would there be acceptance? and a second chance? Would there be salvation? 

At times, vanishing seems like a choice. 

:(

I dislike how I have become now :(

Worth. 

What's my worth?

When you don't have your own self worth, you will be at the mercy at other people's judgement on your worthiness. 

Trash? Worm? Non existent? Why? How?

It is easy to borrow strength but it is always a variable. Creating strength from within is difficult but it is your own and thus is absolute. 

I need to create. 

hai...

disappointments

disappointments after disappointments.
I need to adjust my expectations towards people and to be better at handling disappointments.

heart, stay strong, and be stronger.

it sucks.

掏心掏肺，结果自己的心和肺被掏。 嗨。。。。

Come morning light, you and I'll be safe and sound

Tattered

Not on the right track, in fact heading towards and deeper in to the wrong direction.

The drive, the fighting spirit, the faith, and hope in humanity and confidence of myself is fading. 

Fading at an alarmingly rate. I am fading.

I doesn't seem to have enough strength to draw within me to pull myself our this situation. Where can I get the strength from? 

I know I'm sinking further, heading to the wrong route, yet I keep walking on, I can't bring myself back on track. It's like suicidal.

I can't seek from others. The light that was once there, was not there anymore. And I shouldn't trouble people. 

What should I do?

Other aspects of my life are at stake too. I have the urge to let go of everything. Every single thing. 

I hate my current self. I'm losing myself. 

I became a coward that I hate, escaping realities and giving up. I chose the easy route. Who would I have thought I would become someone that I wont want to be?

I need to help myself. But how? I need strength, but where?

I need to build my armor. A sturdy one. 

Can a drowning person learn to swim to save his/herself?

Submerging

学坏三日， 学好三年。
Translation: It takes 3 days to learn the bad, but it takes 3 years to learn the good.

These few months I have been sinking, I thought after a while of hibernation, I would recover, but instead of recovering like it is supposed to, I sank further. I want to run away and give up everything.
It is easy to continue sinking and give up.

I hope I can win my inner battle and resurface soon.

心有余而力不足

Without Regrets

Today a phrase popped into my head,

- Live like you could die anytime. -

This inspiration come from (don't laugh or judge me!) when i was looking at my palm and realized 1 of lines is quite short and heard that 1 of the lines represent lifespan though I don't know which. I went past my house and look up to my unit, thought about family, friends. I felt somewhat blessed. My life isn't perfect, i didn't live it to the fullest as I should, and things could be better and I could be better. Although there are many things that I have not accomplished, I feel blessed and thankful for each and every person that has come into my life including passerbys.

Ganbatte! I shouldn't waste time and waste life anymore! Live life to the fullest!