Can't complain. Other than some annoying allergies (and my employment status, of course), things are good. I just made the reservations for my January trip to Des Moines: I'm flying into Omaha and driving a bit over two hours one way, but for $100 off on the plane ticket, it's totally worth it. This will be the first time I've rented a car and stayed in a hotel by myself. Mark thinks of traveling as an adventure--his doe-eyed enthusiasm for life is at the same time nauseating and totally adorable (Eagle Scout!). That's a great way to think about it, but it's difficult to keep in mind when you're hyperventilating in the security checkpoint line... Another thing I love about Mark is how organized and methodical he tries to be--this is why we work so well together. For my trip to NYC I adopted his technique of putting all pertinent logistic information in a report cover--everything's right there. And you print out the maps and directions from MSN and put them in there, too. And for my personal needs, I think I'll shorthand the directions on a Post-It and stick them to the steering wheel. This is fun, actually! I am so sick.

I had a recitative rehearsal for COSI today. I'm so glad I'm not so creeped out by the director anymore. I mean, he's strange and all, but I feel mostly comfortable alone with him now. Nearly as comfortable as with any man who's not friends or family, anyway. Anyway...tomorrow the cast is meeting at his house to watch THE MATRIX. Oh, did I not mention it? Yeah, well, we're doing an updated version (hereis the original story) in which we are teenagers who hang out in a shopping mall. (The director is trying to get The Gap or Banana Republic to sponsor us and get us clothes. Personally, I would rather get something less boxy and androgynous-looking--plus I could never get a pair of pants to fit there--but I may have no choice...) Instead of coming back disguised as Albanians, our fiances will be dressed like Neo from THE MATRIX. MOZART RELOADED, indeed... It's an idea that has a lot of layers, since the opera does question perceptions of reality, but I'm still not sure about it. I just don't want it to be too cheesy, even if we are performing for kids...

I have to get to the post office.

What Famous Leader Are You?

Ha!

Jury went okay--they picked the piece that I didn't know as well, of course, and I felt like I was only singing from the chest up...but the fact that I noticed this is a huge step for me, so maybe I really have improved. Why couldn't they pick "Fruehling" or "Der Engel" if they were going to pick a German song? Oh, well...

Since I have nothing better to do (kidding), I though I'd do Erik's quiz:

[Name] Jennifer

[Nickname] Whatever people choose to call me, I suppose. Jen, I guess, not that I like it all that much.

[Screen name] contessajen on LiveJournal, not that I post there.

[Age] 26

[Astrological sign?] Aries

[Chinese zodiac sign?] Snake

[Location] North Carolina

[Sexual Preference] Straight with curves...

[Marital Status] De facto engaged. I asked, he said yes, but he wants to do it...

[Religion] Cafeteria Catholic

[Eye color] brown ("chocolate brown" on my CV)

[Height] 5'4"

[Shoe size] 8-9, depending on toe width.

[Parents still together?] Yes, by some miracle.

[Siblings?] Two younger brothers.

[ Nieces/Nephews? ] Not for a long time.

[ Kids of your own?] Within the next decade, I suppose.

[ Grandkids?] Hah!

[ Pets?] I'm not responsible enough. I would love to get a dog, but they need so much care and supervision and attention that I just don't have time to give right now. I really want a puppy, though.

[ In school/graduated?] AB in music, MM in vocal performance in May

[ Rent, lease, or own your home?] Rent

[ Have any credit cards?] Visa check card, Mastercard (platinum!)

[ What do you drive?] Rolla, the burgundy '94 Corolla with 108,000 miles


Preferences


[ Color ] red, green, violet

[ Number ] 5

[ Animal ] Cf. dog rant. I like cats OK, but my father always says if they were any bigger, they would think of us as prey...

[ Vehicle ] Toyota or Honda, compact sedan or hybrid.

[ Flower ] Hyacinth...they always remind me of Easter.

[ Scent ] Noa by Cacharel, or Coty Dulce Vanilla. Or sandalwood.

[ Shape ] Figure 8

[ Drinks ] L.I. Iced Tea! Or hard cider, or Guinness.

[ Coke or Pepsi ] Coke, but in a can or bottle (not fountain-style).

[ Book ] The Waste Lands from the Dark Tower series by Stephen King.

[ Band ] Can I say Ani DiFranco?

[ Song ] How could I choose?! My favorite Protestant hymn tune is Slane ("Be thou my vision," et al.).


Do you...


[ Color your hair? ] I used to, but why bother? It's fine the way it is.

[ Twirl your hair? ] No, but I do twirl my moustache. ;)

[ Have tattoos? ] Not yet. I sure am glad I didn't get that barcode tattoo on my ass...

[ Piercings? ] Three in each ear (top two closed) and one inner labia (which I think is still open. All the guys who've ever seen it have thought it was creepy. Even the guy with the nipple piercings. Which was totally hot, by the way.)

[ Have a boyfriend/girlfriend? ] Three years in January!

[ Cheat on tests/homework? ] There may have been an AP Bio quiz or two.

[ Drink/Smoke? ] About once a week/almost never.

[ Like roller coasters? ] Love love LOVE.

[ Wish you could live somewhere else? ] In Raleigh, with my sweetie.

[ Want more piercings? ] No thank you. And Mark refuses to get his nipples pierced.

[ Like cleaning? ] Not particularly.

[ Write in cursive or print?] Print, but all my letters are connected anyway.

[ Carry a donor card? ] Indeed. I'm on the marrow donor list, too.

[ Swear a lot? ] Fuck yeah. And I have my college friends to blame.

[ Own a web cam? ] No.

[ Know how to drive? ] It took long enough.

[ Diet? ] Do I breathe?

[ Own a cell phone? ] I held out, but now I couldn't imagine life without it.

[ Ever get off the damn computer?] Eventually.


Have you ever...


[ Gotten a speeding ticket?] No, but I did get snapped by one of those SafeLights.

[ DUI?] No, but I ran into a checkpoint a few weeks ago and was shitting a brick...

[ Been in a car accident? ] Yes--the first was my fault (car-->wall), the second was not (high schooler not paying attention).

[ Been arrested? ] No.

[ Been in a fist fight? ] Not unless you count my brothers.

[ Kicked someone in the nuts? ] My brother, and Ryan S., in the lunch line in 8th grade.

[ Stolen anything? ] Yes.

[ Held a gun? ] No, and I don't plan to.

[ Drank? ] Not so much recently, but I can tie it on.

[ Been so drunk you couldn't remember your name?] No, but I've forgotten other people's names...

[ Considered a life of crime? ] God no.

[ Cheated on someone? ] Never ever.

[ Been married? ] No.

[ Cried over a girl?] I don't think so.

[ Cried over a boy? ] Oh yes.

[ Lied to someone? ] Though I'm not very good at it.

[ Been in love? ] Three times, I think.

[ Fallen for your best friend (of the opposite sex)? ] No.

[ Made out with JUST a friend? ] Can we count Cowboy?

[ Been rejected? ] Yuck.

[ Been in lust? ] I'm always in lust.

[ Used someone? ] You mean physically? Maybe once or twice.

[ Been used? ] I believe so.

[ Been cheated on? ] No. But they wouldn't live to tell about it...

[Experimented with homosexuality?] Less than I wanted to.

[Current mood] Conflicted

[Current music] Five-note descending scales. I don't know why.

[Current taste] Steak!

[Current hair] I haven't looked in the mirror. It smells good, though.

[Current annoyance] Trying to fly out to Des Moines in January for two days.

[Current smell] That coconut shampoo's all I notice.

[Current thing I ought to be doing] Practicing.

[Current windows open] Five Internet windows.

[Current desktop picture] I'm at school, so it's a picture of the library.

[Current favorite band] Neil Diamond.

[Current book] Black House by Stephen King and Peter Straub. (Dark Tower-related, of course)

[Current cds in stereo] Last 2 Ani and Tori CDs, Jessye Norman, Black Crowes

[Current favorite celeb] The rough-and-tumble Colin Farrell. Speaking of tumble...

[Current hate] Not with Mark!

[Current job] Temporarily laid-off receptionist for general contractor.


The last time....


[Last book you read] Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood

[Last movie you saw] Matrix: Revolutions. Such a shame!

[Last thing you had to drink] Diet 7-up, which is not as good as Diet Sprite.

[Last thing you ate] This ghetto trail mix I made (half peanuts, half raisins).

[Last person you talked to on the phone] Mark, this morning.


Do you.....


[Do drugs?] Nicotine about once a year, caffeine and alcohol about once a week, nothing harder since that intense hallucinogenic experience in 2000...

[Have a dream that keeps coming back?] I'm always running/hiding from either fallout or some sort of secret police. I guess I'm a Cold War baby.

[Play an instrument?] Trombone for three years, voice lessons for 10 years, piano for several months.

[Believe there is life on other planets?] There must be.

[Remember your first love?] Yes. He was really immature but sweet in his own way.

[Still love him/her?] Do we ever stop loving people?

[Read the newspaper?] I look at Mark's paper online most days, and read the weekend papers when I'm at his place.

[Have any gay or lesbian friends?] Are you kidding? I'm in opera.

[Believe in miracles?] I believe there are things we don't understand...

[Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?] I plan on it...

[Consider yourself tolerant of others?] I'm a little too intolerant of the intolerant. :)

[Consider love a mistake?] No way!

[Have a favorite candy?] Anything involving chocolate and peanut butter.

[Believe in astrology?] It's for entertainment purposes only!

[Believe in magic?] Cf. miracles.

[Believe in God?] Yes.

[Do well in school?] A-minuses make me sad.

[Go to or plan to go to college] I am now.

[Wear hats?] Occasionally, on bad hair days.

[Hate yourself?] There are days I don't like myself very much, but hate is a strong word for it.

[Have an obsession?] I'm a bit of a germ phobe. Me and my Purell! It comes partly from being a singer trying to avoid getting sick and partly from my mother's nurse stories.

[Collect anything?] I like old music books--textbooks, history books.

[Have a best friend?] Helen and Cathy and Mark.

[Close friends?] Yes.

[Like your handwriting?] When I'm not in a hurry.

[Care about looks?] To an extent.

So I got an e-mail from the Des Moines opera people saying that I have an audition in Iowa in January, but I'm not sure I can afford it. The plane ticket alone is over $300. And it's an 18-hour drive from here, which I'm not sure I can handle. (Through the Midwest, in January.) I need to talk the whole thing out with Mark--maybe we can figure something out.

My teaching demo went pretty well today. I'm just glad it's over with...

So tired...

I need to just go home and take a nap and relax... I finished my pedagogy bibliography this afternoon (having left out any internet sources, since most of them just suck and I wanted to find something useful), and I only slept for about 5 hours. Call me a diva, but I really do need a lot more than that. (Yes, I know, one day I'll have kids and remember fondly the days of five consecutive hours of sleep, but for the moment let me remain in blissful ignorance.) Now that all the auditions are done, all I have left is my vocal pedagogy exam Wednesday (which is more of a thinking test, and has no wrong answers, but I have to do a teaching demo in front of the class which is totally nerve-wracking because I'm not a good teacher) and my jury on Thursday afternoon (for which I'm still working on a translation). Other than that, I finally have time to work on Christmas crafts and put the posters up in my bedroom and CLEAN my room. I'm really looking forward to the relaxation...

But before I go, let me tell you about my crazy weekend. I got up to New York Wednesday--my flight was an hour late, so we didn't get back until about 10:30. My aunt and her partner are in their fifties and aren't used to having overnight guests, so I shouldn't have been surprised when they only had one thin little cotton blanket for me... I was so cold. Several times during the night I woke up shivering (also, my aunt is going through "the change" so the heat is turned down to sixty degrees). That wasn't too fun. The next day I had my Santa Fe audition--it went pretty well, I thought, but I found myself once again going the wrong way on all the streets and had to ask for directions (rich white ladies and police officers, just like my mommy taught me). It was already snowing when I got to Manhattan on Friday for the Cincinnati audition. It didn't go as well--they didn't have a warmup room or anything, and I hadn't sung for three hours when my time came. I took a bad breath at a crucial point, and the accompanist came in unexpectedly...anyway, it wasn't great, plus it seemed most of the people there were at a higher level than I am. Anyway, no loss. So I take the bus to the airport a bit before two. The streets are already slippery. I arrive to find that no planes are arriving or taking off. My flight, and all the other flights to nearby cities, are cancelled over the course of the afternoon and early evening. I resign myself to sleeping in the airport, hopefully to fly out Saturday morning at nine. Then I met a couple from Charlotte who had decided to fly to Charleston, SC (that plane could leave), rent a car and drive three hours home, then drive to ________ to pick up their car the next day--and they offered to let me stay with them. They seemed like nice people--early sixties, obviously well-off--so I said yes and was able to secure a seat on the plane to Charleston. They had to de-ice the plane, which took forever, and we finally touched down in Charleston at about 11 PM. We arrived in Charlotte at two in the morning, then left at eleven for ________. I had just enough time to drive home and pee before meeting Mark and heading to __________ for my next audition. That one went well, and hopefully I'll hear something back soon about the next step in the application process. Then Mark reminds me that there's this work party he wants to go to in Raleigh--he offers to do all the driving, so I say yes. Basically, I've been surviving on the kindness of strangers and turns of fate for like five days. I am very thankful. At the same time, I am totally exhausted and didn't eat lunch, so I have to go. But I guess I'm doing pretty well, especially considering everything.

Sidebar: What's the deal with the eleventh-hour decision to turn in our twenty-dollar bills? Are they trying to bust some huge counterfeiting ring or something? Honestly, it all sounds a little fishy to me...

Quizzes from Erik:


You are 'Silent Night'! You really enjoy
Christmas, and you like your Christmases
conventional. For you, Christmas is about
family and traditions, and you rather enjoy the
rituals of going to church at midnight and
turning off the lights before flaming the plum
pudding. Although you find Christmas shopping
frustrating, you like the excitement of
wrapping and hiding presents, and opening a
single door on the Advent Calendar each day.
You like the traditional carols, and probably
teach the children to sing along to them. More
than anyone else, you will probably actually
have a merry Christmas.


What Christmas Carol are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are glucose. People feed off of you. You are
sweet, caring, and a source of energy for
everyone around you. You can inspire others
with your creativity and depth, and you can
keep people alive when in times of famine.
People love you...or at least the way you
taste.


Which Biological Molecule Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla


Very interesting...

I had some severe travel drama (LaGuardia on Friday), which I will relate tomorrow when I have time. Suffice it to say I am back in _________ and working on that bibliography (which I thought was due Wednesday, but was actually due last Friday). Yuck!

I'm about to leave campus and start heading for the airport. I don't mind flying so much as waiting in the security lines. I don't know why--it's not as if I'm trying to smuggle hashish or something. Problems with authority figures, I suppose. And twice I've almost missed planes because of long lines and/or being picked out for wanding. I like to have control over my destiny, which is why I like to drive and hate sitting in traffic.

Anyway, I'm starting to get a little nervous--the least of which is with the actual audition itself. All those pieces are as well in place now as they will be tomorrow. It's more the logistics: what if I miss my train? What if I get on the subway the wrong way? (It's happened, as Helen remembers.) I was having some packing drama as well--I have to bring all my bags with me to the Friday audition, so I limited myself to one overnight bag and my smallish purse. I generally pride myself on my packing prowess, but this is out of control. I had to sqeeze my hairdryer and dress shoes in this bag. I'm not sure how I'm going to pack it up when I leave, at the Cincinnati audition site, in the bathroom, after I change out of my dress and heels. Good luck...

Anyway, I'm leaving. I'm not sure if I'll be able to write again before my Fletcher audition on Saturday, but I'll let you all know how things have gone.

Wish me luck!

By the way, this is hilarious. My favorite part is, "A girl like that could really make you want to glorify the Lord within the confines of the holy matrimonial bed, if you know what I'm saying!"

I'm not feeling very well today--light-headed, kind of grouchy. I think my period is coming. Just in time for that trip to New York...

It's the end of the semester, and things are getting down to the wire. I'm beginning to regret sitting on my ass for all of Thanksgiving Break. I really needed the break, though! I got a lot of sleep, thankfully. Now I just have to:

1. Finish the vocal ped work: videotape a lesson tomorrow, teach in front of the class next Monday, take a final and hand in this big annotated bibliography (which I haven't started) next Wednesday. Yay.

2. Auditions Thursday, Friday and Saturday. I'll do okay as long as I don't get too tense. And remember to breathe. And unlock my knees.

3. Work on COSI music. I'm busy enough!

4. Finish making holiday gifts, send out cards, etc.

5. Clean my room!

6. Balance my checkbook. I have let it go way too long. I'll probably end up doing it in the airport and on the plane Wednesday. Nothing else to do but add and subtract. Well, mostly subtract.

And other things as well, I'm sure. I guess I should get to work.

What I really want to do is eat a large dinner consisting mainly of beef. Maybe I'll do that, too. And fold my laundry. But first--a little bibliography work...

The opera was a real success, and my teacher was pleased with my performance. And she apparently brought along a friend for whom I happen to be auditioning for next week, who thought my voice was "interesting". (That's a good thing, in this case.) Most importantly, I had a great time doing it. Though I'm glad to get a break from performing for a while--even if it's only to do auditions and juries and learn the music for the next show...

It's all a little overwhelming. I mean, I'm excited, but lately I feel like my career has a life of its own, and it's taking off ahead of me. I was having technical problems at the beginning of the month--partly because of that f*@&ing Handel concert and partly because I was working on this aria that I ended up ditching because it's just not right for me--and they seem to have corrected themselves. I've just been given my first Wagner aria to work on. All I ever thought about Wagner was that I couldn't sing it yet. I guess "yet" is over... I really need to learn this aria in time for the Met competition in January--guess what I'll be doing over winter break? Anyway, I guess it's just weird to have ten-plus years of voice lessons finally pay off for me (though only figuratively, as of yet). At least I have Mark to keep me grounded. :)

Speaking of which, I'm still noticing that I have mildly inappropriate feelings for that person. It's especially ironic considering that this person and I have discussed at length how revolting and disrespectful it was that two of the cast members--one engaged, one in a serious relationship--would all but make out backstage, and are inseparable offstage. It's totally disgusting the way they hang all over each other--and the man involved is really nice, so it's shocking that he would behave this way. (And what do you know, both of them are in COSI. That should be interesting...) I think that cheating is unforgiveable, and that basically you shouldn't do anything with a person you're attracted to that you couldn't do with them in front of your spouse. You need to have that trust. It's so important. Maybe that's why I've felt bad about having these weird feelings. Mark met this person this weekend at the post-premiere cocktail party (I wasn't there--I had to wash all the grey out of my hair, which took a while), and they liked each other. I told Mark later that this guy would be the person I'd date if we were both single. (I believe the words were, "I must tell you, if I were single, and he were single, I'd be all up on that..." He just snickered a little bit and gave me a hug. He knows he has nothing to fear. And he doesn't. I'd like to get to know the guy better--hopefully that will dispel any misplaced feelings--and maybe we can even double-date. Part of the problem, I think, is that I rarely come across someone I find attractive on the outside AND the inside. It's easy to find outwardly sexy people, but the latter doesn't happen very often.

Anyway, I'm off to Raleigh this evening for a relaxing holiday. There's a new baby to see, and a newly pregnant friend to buy stuff for. :) Happy Thanksgiving!

This is wonderful news...

Also, for your reading pleasure, the Friday Five:

1. List five things you'd like to accomplish by the end of the year.

Sing some kickass auditions, get engaged (not my call!), establish my workout habits as a legitimate regimen, have an earnest talk with my parents, learn Fiordiligi.

2. List five people you've lost contact with that you'd like to hear from again.

Davin (freshman boyfriend), Mrs. Toner (HS English teacher), Michele (college friend), Jen (high school friend), ? Maybe I'm better at this K.I.T. thing than I thought...

3. List five things you'd like to learn how to do.

Eat in a responsible manner, make homemade soap (with oil and lye--no big blocks you melt down like my mother), float high notes, take a compliment, keep my room clean at all times.

4. List five things you'd do if you won the lottery (no limit).

Take a long tour of Europe; buy a new car (Lexus? Toyota hybrid?); make sure my parents and grandparents were comfortable for the rest of their lives; buy all my friends and family lavish gifts; get a wardrobe/hair/cosmetic makeover, complete with weekly facials and massage treatments. (Thinking locally, not globally. I'm sure I'd have to create a foundation, and would give a shitload of money to Habitat for Humanity and Amnesty International anyway, but I assumed we were supposed to think selfishly for the moment...)

5. List five things you do that help you relax.

Cuddle on the couch with Mark, take a nap, talk with friends, watch mindless sitcoms (eg. reruns of FRIENDS or THE NANNY), take a bath.

Does anybody remember Jonathan Brandis? I had a crush on him in high school, and would watch that dumb SeaQuest show with Roy Scheider just to see him. Well, apparently he committed suicide yesterday--only 27! (Though I thought he was younger.) Sad....

I have to run to rehearsal in a bit, but first I have something troubling to share.

I think I have a crush on someone.

It doesn't seem to have anything to do with Mark--things are great, as usual. But I've recently realized that I probably like this other person more than I should. It's someone involved with the opera, so we've been spending more time together lately. And a little flirting has been going on, I'll admit (HE started it!). I've found myself saying, "If he were single [he's engaged] and I were single, I would be all up on that." I have no intention of pursuing anything with him, of course. I'm just a little confused, because for the last three years, nobody but Mark has ever crossed my mind. It's a really weird feeling for me. Maybe it's because I haven't been able to spend much time with Mark because I've had rehearsals and stuff--coincidentally, he's about the same size as Mark (though he looks different). I just feel a little weird about the whole thing. Is this normal? I don't know. Is is just a platonic thing, where I think he's really cool and just happen to be a little attracted to him? Possibly. It just feels very bizarre to me.

Comments would be appreciated. I don't think there's anything I can do about it, but any advice might help...

Okay, I have to go.

If I was a David Bowie film character, I would be:


Thank you, Erik. Jenni and I used to watch that movie religiously in fifth (?) grade. I think we both had a crush on David Bowie but couldn't quite bring ourselves to admit it. By the time we were in tenth grade we both had crushes on Robert Plant. Skinny, weird-looking British men with big blonde hair...I guess that's my type. :)

...Except that I couldn't resist Jordana's quiz:


Temptress - You naughty girl! You'd rather be in
the middle of a group of suitors than anywhere
else in the world. You tease, you tempt, you
flirt... Which one will you choose?


What kind of medieval lady are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Just a few minutes for an interesting Friday Five:

1. Using one adjective, describe your current living space.

Crowded.

2. Using two adjectives, describe your current employer.

Well-paying, chauvinist. (Though I'm laid off until January--I suppose the first is not true right now...)

3. Using three adjectives, describe your favorite hobby/pasttime.

Relaxing, thought-provoking, exciting.

4. Using four adjectives, describe your typical day.

Frustrating, fleeting, intellectual, overwhelming.

5. Using five adjectives, describe your ideal life.

Satisfying, blissful, comfortable, exciting, edifying.

Have to buy tabs and a binder for my COSI score. We have to have the recit memorized before Christmas. Good Lord, what have I gotten into? :)

Woo hoo!

The list finally went up, and I got what I wanted...We're doing Cosi, and I'm Fiordiligi (it's double-cast, which is also good because I won't get too tired). I was so worried that I'd screwed the whole thing up by offering that aria. Maybe it turned out to be a good move. Maybe it had nothing to do with it. I choose not to ponder that too much. All I know is, I'm in! I finally have a lead role. And I'm so excited. If I weren't so vocally exhausted, I would sing with joy.

There is a downside to this...a good friend of mine, with a great voice, was once again not cast. Plenty of people younger and less talented than her got parts. At least give her a solo or something! Nothing. The director has been stringing her along for over a year, giving her private coachings on arias and seemingly very interested in her development, but all for nothing. And she is in this quartet in Little Women, but he cast her in a voice part that's way too low for her to sing well. Does he even listen at all at auditions? I don't know what the hell is up with him. I don't think she knows yet. Her boyfriend does, and he is mighty pissed about the whole thing. I'm distressed about this.

So I'm happy--overjoyed--at being cast, but this bothers me. (That, and the girl I'm double-cast with really wanted the lead in the other opera, even though she could never pull it off dramatically, and was crying about it--she's completely clueless...) But now I have other things to worry about--apparently I'm the only person who hasn't scheduled their recital yet, and all the good slots are taken. I'm hoping for the last Sunday afternoon in March, if my teacher and accompanist can do it and it's not already taken. So much stress over stupid little things!

Anyway, I have a bunch of work to do... Just wanted to spread the good news!

Got my first PFO yesterday...from Central City Opera in Denver.

(That means "Please Fuck Off".)

They're kind of a big deal (what the hell, I figured), and according to the singers' forum I've been reading they're notorious for sending rather rude rejection letters. It was just kind of stupid--it said I needed more professional experience. If I had professional experience why would I need to do an apprentice program? Give me a break...

Ever since that unfortunate masterclass experience I've been completely psyching myself out about singing. Every time I open my mouth, I feel like I'm doomed to failure. I'm dealing with a lot of tension, which coupled with self-doubt means I can't get through a single phrase without shutting down and getting very critical of myself. I need an attitude adjustment...

From Erik:


C major - the simplest key. You are content with
where you are now, you have what you need. Some
people are happy in C major, but it is up to
you to decide to push yourself further if you
want more from your life.


what key signature are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Interesting, because it's the key of "Dove sono", which I cannot sing to save my life.

And speaking of opera (don't I always), the cast lists for the spring operas are not posted yet. It's been two weeks! Apparently there's some sort of scheduling issue (and I did an e-mail from him about my availability during winter break, which could be a good thing but might not mean anything). In any case, tensions are really running high here. People have papers and exams coming up this week, but all they can think about or talk about is the cast lists. It's like living in a pressure cooker! All I can do is trust in the cosmos to deliver what's meant to be, and try to be prepared for whatever it is...

On a crappy note, I've been temporarily laid off from my job. Things have been way too slow, and there was never any work for me to do (because my supervisor stole all my work!). They're going to call me if they need me (chances are they won't), otherwise things will be picking up again in January. In the meantime, though, I have a little more time on my hands--and a little less money in them. I would really love to resign my church job, but right now $40 a week is a lot better than zero...

Come see the webpage for the opera. My picture's not on it or anything, but it's still cool...

Quickly, The Friday Five:

1. What food do you like that most people hate?

Brussels sprouts.

2. What food do you hate that most people love?

Peas. And eggs.

3. What famous person, whom many people may find attractive, is most unappealing to you?

Justin Timberlake. I mean, really...

4. What famous person, whom many people may find unappealing, do you find
attractive?

Kelsey Grammer. But that's a long, embarrassing story...

5. What popular trend baffles you?

Reality television. What's so great about watching annoying people eat bugs?

I have a full day today, then off to Raleigh for 36 hours. Right now I need to eat, badly...

Make a note on your holiday shopping lists: this is what I want for Christmas. Thank you, Cathy, for calling it to my attention.

The master class performance was a nightmare for me, by the way. I woke up vocally tired (from the two services of screaming plus the fucking Handel performance the day before--never again will I do Handel choral music, I refuse) and the fatigue increased over the course of the day. By the time it was my turn to sing--after sitting in a freezing air-conditioned room for two hours--I had completely psyched myself out. There was one phrase in particular--the one with the high B-natural--where I told myself I wouldn't get through, before I even started the phrase, so of course I clenched up and couldn't get through it. I was very disappointed, to put it mildly--I wanted to run screaming from the stage, actually. Somehow I managed to stand up there for another 15 minutes and calmly accept the director's suggestions. And they were good suggestions. Don't get me wrong--I'm glad I got a chance to sing for him. But I was really upset with myself.

And yesterday morning I had an appointment to go to the communication disorders lab and have them look at my larynx. (Long metal tube with a camera on the end, straight back to my epiglottis...) I was totally swollen, and am on vocal rest until Friday. I shouldn't be talking, even, but I am doing noticeably better today. I'm still just so mad at myself, you know? If I had known the extra service at my church would predominantly be early music, I never would have agreed to fill in. I just can't sing soprano on that shit. Women with my voice sang alto in those days (if they were allowed to sing at all.) I know it sounds so diva-ish to say ("I'm sorry, but I don't sing Handel"), but I'm serious. I need to take care of myself.

It's also such a rude awakening to actually be able to look at my vocal cords and see how swollen they are. I feel like I'm trying to calm down a sick baby, who's upset and confused and VERY angry with me for aspirating her or giving her that nasty-tasting medicine. I need to baby my larynx right now. In reality, it's similar to getting sore muscles from overdoing it during exercise. Except imagine those sore muscles slapping against each other 200 times a second. That's talking. Let alone singing! Anyway, I'm feling kind of solemn right now.

On a happier note, the new Matrix movie comes out today! I think we're going to have to wait a few weeks to see it. I think Mark and I are going to see Elf instead. :) And we might get to go swing dancing, too!

I am so nervous...

I've been singing for so long, I hardly ever get really nervous about it anymore. Maybe I get a little jumpy before some performances (and if it's a choral situation, not at all), but that usually just helps with my energy.

But today I'm singing in this master class for this kind of important stage director. I'm last in the program, and the way it's been scheduled means that everyone, down to the last little freshman voice major and all the faculty, will be hearing me sing today. And after doing two services and that damn Handel concert yesterday, my voice is nowhere near 100%. So I couldn't sleep well (among other things, I had this nightmare that I had to sing in some downtown industrial area and let this random strange man borrow my car, assuming he would return it!), and I woke up freaking out. My stomach has been churning all day, and I'm just kind of a mess.

I'm sure it will be fine, but it's just a little nerve-wracking...

Apparently The Friday Five is back...

1. What was your first Halloween costume?

Wonder Woman, I think. With Underoos. (Don't you wish they made those for adults?)

2. What was your best costume and why?

Probably Princess Leia (from Star Wars): white turtleneck, white sheet sarong-tied around my waist, gold necklace, cinnamon-bun braids. That was in 1996, when a bunch of us went to The Rat (my only time in there, I believe) for the dorm's Hallowe'en party. Christine and Elise and Cheryl got me drinks, and a bunch of nerdy guys asked me where my gold bikini was. That was a lot of fun.

And in 2001, Mark and I went as Marc Anthony and Cleopatra. That was pretty funny.

3. Did you ever play a trick on someone who didn't give you a treat?

No, not even when my one neighbor gave everybody apples. Bo-ring!

4. Do you have any Halloween traditions? (ie: Family pumpkin carving, special dinner before trick or treating, etc.)

I don't remember anything. Although for a few years in a row my mother would stop at Alfonso's (yummmm) and pick us up a pizza. I miss real New York pizza...

5. Share your favorite scary story...real or legend!

My vocal ped teacher told the class about this girl who sneezed in a lesson once and broke a capillary on one of her vocal folds. She was not allowed to speak for three weeks.

This is pretty scary to me, in any case. It was just a regular sneeze. You never know what could happen...

Must go to bathroom. Happy Hallowe'en!

I can't believe it's been so long since I've updated. For the last few weeks, I feel like I've been letting time slip away from me...

The wedding was great, of course, and so was meeting Mark's new nephew. (We took some fun pictures, which I will link to once I get Mark to scan them.) And we went wine tasting on the Seneca Lake wine trail, which was fun.

Coming back to regular life was rough, though. Hours before I left for Mark's the previous Wednesday, my teacher told me she wanted me to sing (my bête noir crazy aria with the scary tessitura and the high B, no less) in this studio voice recital on Tuesday. So I would get out of work at five, fly to campus to sing at five-thirty, then be at the self-defense course across campus at six-thirty. And of course I wasn't at the beginning of the recital; at six-fifteen I was still onstage. The same thing happened Thursday, when a recital I was required to attend didn't get out until six-fifteen. (The course went well, I guess; I feel more confident, in any case. And I enjoy kneeing men in the groin.) That and rehearsal three times a week, and this dumb concert I have to do at the church (at least they're paying me), and coachings and lessons and practice sessions... Oh, and the spring opera auditions were on Monday. I made the asshole mistake of offering a third aria (one which I hadn't done in a lesson for a while, though I did coach it a few weeks ago) - the one the director has NEVER picked - and what do you know, he wants to hear it. It was not my best performance. It didn't suck, but I've done it lots better. At least I am consoled by:
(a) The man generally casts shows before auditions, presumably using them for confirmation, so I'm not sure how important it was;
(b) He hears me sing all the time, and knows I've improved a lot and am a hard and enthusiastic worker;
(c) I have to sing that crazy aria again on Monday in a master class, and I assume he will be in attendance (he skipped the recital last week);
(d) I think he likes me, even though I don't kiss his ass.

What does bother me is that I have apprentice auditions (well, at least one confirmed - Santa Fe) in New York in December, and I'm feeling a bit less than prepared. I have this one aria that is just not working. I will only offer it if they must hear something in German - and I know the certificate program I'm applying for will want to hear it. So I have a month to kick this aria in the ass. I'm beginning to suspect that floaty B-flats are not really within my grasp. Unless I can make this work for me I'm going to shelve it after December. There are so many cool German arias for my Fach - but they're all just a little big for me. Screw it! I'm learning "Ob die Wolke", and I don't care if Der Freischütz is never performed in the Western Hemisphere! :)

Okay, enough singer-ese. What are y'all doing for Hallowe'en? I found this fuzzy tiger-ear headband (tags still on) at Goodwill for 75 cents (sprayed with Lysol, thank you!), so I am going to be a tigress. (Tigers are one of our natural predators, you know. So are bears. Mark and I went to the state zoo last Saturday and we got to see grizzly bears and polar bears and mountain lions and bison. They're a rescuing type of zoo, and the polar bears had been liberated from someplace in the Caribbean where they'd been kept in tiny cages. Well, tiny for a polar bear. Anyway, the poor thing was neurotic or something, and he/she had developed this rocking tic that apparently will go away with time and proper care. I felt so bad! But I digress.) Anyway, I don't have anything orange to wear so I'll have to wear all black. I'll be like a Sixties, Catwoman-type of tiger. Black Cleopatra eyeliner, dark nails with red tips, drawn-on nose and whiskers courtesy of my Ben Nye kit, pinned-on black trouser sock for a tail... I hope I don't look too ghetto. It'll look great with my corset and petticoat at opera rehearsal tomorrow. I'm driving to Mark's in the evening (I think he's going with his old standby - Fidel Castro, if you can believe it), but I don't know what we're doing. Maybe we could trick-or-treat at the mall. :)

Speaking of which, what were our parents thinking when they let us go out trick-or-treating? I guess we were okay as long as we were in groups. And come to think of it, we usually had an adult with us. I think I would be a nervous wreck if my kids were out there alone. There's too many psychopaths out there. Or they could get hit by a car, or get lost in an unfamiliar neighborhood, or eat their candy before they got home... We used to eat candy out of the bags all the time, and nothing ever happened to anyone I know. My mother's friend's son found a pin stuck into a Butterfinger once fifteen years ago, but I don't even think that was Hallowe'en.

I feel like I'm babbling...

And I didn't even mention my latest injury. (I swear, I'm not a hypochondriac!) Friday morning I woke up with a stiff neck. It didn't get much better over the next few days, and yesterday morning I must've turned my head funny and I REALLY hurt it. It's a muscle spasm, apparently, and they prescribed a muscle relaxer (which hasn't made me sleepy, miraculously), Advil and heat/ice packs. Driving is a problem (since turning my head to the right hurts a lot - parallel parking is out of the question, and changing lanes is a challenge), and it's rather difficult to sing - last night I had this dress rehearsal for the church concert, and I'm surprised I made it through. I'm generally okay if I hold my neck (though I have trouble sustaining pharyngeal space, which is a problem for me anyway), but I can't exactly do that during a concert. And with this master class Monday... Well, I'm going to be very careful and rest a lot so I'll be well enough by then. It's very frustrating.

Anyway, I should get going. Hopefully you'll get a Friday Five post tomorrow...

Okay, I guess it works. We're leaving for New York tomorrow and, surprise of surprises, I actually have everything done! I've just finished my lesson observation report (all ten pages of it), re-edited my artistic resume, and am about to show my voice teacher my headshot proofs before running to rehearsal, then mailing my application for Central City Opera's summer program. (I have to send my old headshot--arf! It's not that bad a picture of me, but the quality just sucks. I have this almost invisible two-inch scar on my cheek--Mark didn't even know it was there, but it's front and center in this picture. Plus I look all freckly. Just a poor-quality photo. Hopefully they'll grant me an audition, so I can show them my sexy new headshots!) Mark won't be out of Spanish class (yep) until 7:30, so maybe I'll practice. Or maybe I'll go to Crabtree Mall and get my eyebrows waxed. Fun! No, actually, I need to practice. My piano lesson was painful today. I felt like such an idiot. ANYWAY, I guess I'll see H and C soon! I can't wait until you hear "Over the Rainbow" a cappella, in E-flat...I've been playing around with this subito thing... Well, see you all soon. :)

The computer just gave me this weird message about debugging or something, so let this be a test...

I just wrote this really long post, and then I accidentally closed the window. Anyway. I'll update you all later.

I know they mean well, but this is just plain creepy...

Cathy: Thank you so much for telling me about uglydress.com. My favorite is this one, though the Prom Patriot is a close second...

As predicted, Mark things that my overflowing dirty pillows are no crime. I could leave the house wrapped in cellophane and Mark would think I was decently attired. You know, for all his vanilla posturing, he sure seems to enjoy me dressing like a slut. No, that sounds mean. I think he just loves me a lot, and thinks I look good all the time (provided I'm mildly stylish--he's been watching way too much What Not to Wear). I can appreciate that, but I'm the kind of person who is genuinely interested in the fit (or lack thereof) of my pants, not one of those "Does this make my butt look big?" people. I know my butt is big--I just want to know if something is too small for the butt on a given day...

Anyway...

Today is Mark's birthday. I had the weekend planned out--that we were going to relax, go to the farmer's market, have a quiet dinner Saturday, and basically just spend the weekend together, talking and enjoying each other's company. That, and I was going to make him a cake--well, the aforementioned peach pie. Well, it was shot from the very beginning, when I found out Friday that I was going to have rehearsal all day on Sunday (I get out of church at 12:30, then had rehearsal from 1-3:30 and 6-10), so there was no reason for Mark to stick around Sunday. I was kind of in a grumpy mood most of the day Saturday (I didn't sleep very well), and we had decided to have dinner at my place, then go to see School of Rock. Generally my house is empty on Saturday nights. Well, not this one. Two of three of my housemates are right there, sitting in front of the television and decidedly settled in for the evening. God forbid I want to have an intimate dinner with Mark, even if it's only chili! I was disappointed, so my crappy mood got worse, and I ended up yelling at Mark about him drying his hands with a dirty kitchen towel. Now, I am very concerned with hand-washing (particularly while cooking), but I really flew off the handle. So he got angry, and things were pretty tense. Then we went to the theater, and we were 40 minutes late for the movie. Mark wanted to go in; I didn't, and was willing to wait until the next showing. Everything just kind of blew up. We ended up just sitting in the car for two hours (a place where we could actually be alone), talking about what's been going on. We've both been stressed lately--in Mark's case, largely because of the whole pregnancy scare thing. We took that EXTREMELY seriously, probably too seriously, and my usually level-headed pookybutt pretty much had a panic attack a few weeks back. He's still recuperating, really. And my stress meter usually says "This one goes up to eleven" (you KNOW I love Christopher Guest), but I've been sitting up there for like a month straight, so long that it's wearing more than usual, and I'm taking it out on him. And Saturday night we realized that, with all this summer program mess taking up so much space in my brain right now, I hadn't even let him know what was going on. He thought I was applying for young artist programs, which would separate us for a year at a time. He can't handle that. I've been so concerned about getting things going, without messing up his career, that I disregarded the fact that he might be interested in changing jobs at some point. He doesn't want to stay in Raleigh forever--which I knew, but I always just assumed that we'd be apart for a while. He doesn't want that, and neither do I. He went so far as to say that, if we had to be separated for a year, that things would be over, that we wouldn't be able to maintain our relationship. I always just assumed that we could, that it would be hard but we would manage somehow. But we can't be married and live apart for that long. I want so badly to start my life with him. Not to have kids right away, but within a few years, I guess. And it's so hard already to live eighty miles apart, to only see each other on the weekends, to have to do all our communicating by telephone, to squeeze our relationship into 36-hour blocks. It reminded me a bit of when Helen and What's-His-Face-Doormat-Boy-Who-I-Wanted-to-Slap wouldn't want to fight over the phone, so they would ruin the only time they had to spend together with arguments. Granted, we're not arguing (well, for a little while this weekend there was some heated discussion), but is it selfish for me to want to be with him ALL THE TIME? I mean, I know we can't stay in bed until noon and wallow in cutesy-ness every day, but you know what I'm saying. I want our life to begin. I want the joint bank account and the receding hairline and even the yardwork.

Yuck. I think I'm officially an adult.

Does the "yuck" cancel it out?

So anyway, we had an intense Saturday night (punctuated by crying jags from me--I'm such a nutjob, I tear up--even now--whenever I think about how I want us to spend the rest of our lives together; imagine what the wedding will be like), and then watched School of Rock, which was formulaic but very funny in its endorsement of Jim Steinman-esque rock pomposity ("Raise your goblet of rock!"). And I have this inexplicable soft spot for Jack Black. I think I might have ended up with someone like him, had my life turned out differently. But I'm weird like that. Anyway, there was a preview for Elf, this Will Ferrell movie in which a (tall, brawny) man, raised by elves in the North Pole, comes to visit his real father (James Caan) in the big city. The trailer was hilarious. Seriously, everybody in the theater was ROTFL. I wonder, though, if they just jammed all the funny bits in the trailer. I may wait to see that one at the second-run place.

So yeah, right now my stress is kind of tempered by some very intense feelings about my future. And I guess that's kind of stressful, too. But at least I know I have somebody to share that with. What I need to keep in mind is that this is a partnership, so I shouldn't try to bear all the burdens myself. Dude, maybe we should get that pre-cana counseling now. First we need to join a church, though. So anyway, that's what's going on right now. I really need to eat lunch...

P.S. They're having a RAD class at the end of the month. I've always been too afraid to sign up for those--too many ghosts--but I'm going to take the plunge, I think. I need to stop being afraid, for God's sake...

On a happier note, Mark's birthday is Monday! I asked him what kind of cake he wanted, and he said pie. Peach pie. Ladies and gentlemen, my future husband is a total dork.

A Friday Five about cars...

1. What vehicle do you drive?

'Rolla, my 1994 Corolla. Magenta/grey.

2. How long have you had it?

She was a birthday present when I turned 23. So, three-and-a-half years.

3. What is the coolest feature on your vehicle?

The cruise control? I just have a regular tape deck, after all (I have one of those cigarette-lighter jobs if I want a CD).

4. What is the most annoying thing about your vehicle?

She's getting old, I fear. Intermittent hesitation going into fourth gear, broken casing around the steering wheel (which sometimes messes up the cruise control), some dents... Nothing major, so I really have no reason to complain.

5. If money were no object, what vehicle would you be driving right now?

One of those Toyota hybrids--even if they look like bugs, they're the wave of the future. That, or the Batmobile, but it'd be a bitch to parallel-park.

So I bought my dress for the wedding yesterday. It's a Jones New York tea-length that I got on sale for $60. It's very cute. The only problem? It's...well...do you know who Karen Walker is? I'm a martini and a sassy Guatemalan maid away from being her in this dress. It is VERY lowcut. I had to buy a new bra just so it wouldn't stick out the front. Elena has suggested a lace inset--definitely an option. That day needs to be about Helen and Greg and their love, not about that girl who was popping out of her dress. So I'll figure something out.

I met with my opera director guy today to talk about summer program stuff. He had some good ideas. The good thing is, I'm not really all that freaked out by him anymore. I think I'm just able to see him more for what he is. And I don't take the hype seriously anymore. The spring auditions are the week after the wedding, and I plan on going in there just like I did for the ones last May: relatively relaxed, friendly, enthusiastic. It seemed to work last time. And I refuse to get caught up in the politics of the whole thing. I'm not a brown-noser, and I can't let the choice of opera rule the rest of my life. All I can do is my best, and be myself.

(Hopefully I'll be able to take these observations with me to the summer program auditions, but I'll probably be a nervous wreck...)

Not doing too bad...

I went to Student Health Friday, and learned that I have shin splints and plantar fasciitis in my left foot. Basically my shins and my left foot hurt whenever I have to walk farther than five feet. How lovely! That, and my follow-up appointment with the Sports Medicine people isn't until October 9. I had to drop my dance class, sadly--it makes everything hurt a whole lot more. All I can do right now is put ice on stuff and try to stretch. Fun...

I'm getting all the stuff for my summer apprentice applications organized. Right now it looks like I'll only have to take two trips--to New York the first week of December and to Cleveland (where Mark has friends) the third week of December. Provided, that is, I'm selected to audition. Hopefully that won't be a problem...

I have been having trouble with binging lately, though. Last Monday was pretty rough. I've been skipping my meetings to binge. I told Mark about it (he always seems to know what I need), and I made arrangements to meet again with the therapist I was seeing last year--that appointment isn't for two weeks, either, but just admitting to myself (and Mark) that the reason I stopped going last year was because we were hitting close to home (childhood neglect issues) helped me. And I'm going to my meeting tonight, God help me. Right after I go shoe shopping (these loafers are really old, and they are KILLING me).

You are a Bavarian.


What's your Inner European?
brought to you by Quizilla


Tee hee! Thanks to Helen.

Friday Five
1. Who is your favorite singer/musician? Why?

Do I have to pick one? Okay, Ani. Because she is the coolest, because she has no delusions, because she tells it like it is. Mostly because no matter what she's doing, she kicks ass.

2. What one singer/musician can you not stand? Why?

Do I have to pick one? Okay, Eddie Money. Because he sucks, and because his voice REALLY gets on my nerves.

3. If your favorite singer wasn't in the music business, do you think you would still like him/her as a person?

I would love Ani if she were a crackhead prostitute.

4. Have you been to any concerts? If yes, who put on the best show?

Is the writer of this quiz in junior high? Of COURSE I've been to concerts. I've performed in more concerts than I can count. Ani and Billy Joel rank near the top, but the best I've been to was last April--Denyce Graves. More of a recital than a concert, I guess, but it was incredible. She did the Habanera and the Seguidilla from Carmen, and her French set was unbelievable. She is just spectacular.

5. What are your thoughts on downloading free music online vs. purchasing albums? Do you feel the RIAA is right in its pursuit to stop people from dowloading free music?

I think people should be able to download free music--to a point. It's the same as copying your friend's CDs, I guess. I don't think people should be able to download entire albums, and they certainly shouldn't be able to sell what they burn, but I think it's fine in moderation...

So Hurricane Isabel came and went. We had some nasty rain and a lot of wind, but it wasn't much of anything. Easier than a summer thunderstorm. There are people in the area without power, but the real damage is north and east of here. I wish them all the best. I could think of worse times to be without power, though... (like December and February, when I had no power...) It's gorgeous outside!

I think tomorrow I get my wish. Carowinds!! FINALLY! :)

I had a rough lesson Monday--I mean, it was a productive lesson, but it totally sucked while I was in it. We determined that my posture is totally for crap, and I breathe wrong, and these are the causes of most of my laryngeal tension and lack of vocal endurance. Depressing! But my friend was there to observe, and she said that her problems are just as bad. At least I'm not alone. Plus we've been talking about all tis stuff in Vocal Ped (in which I had an exam this morning)--it's reassuring to know that these things can be fixed (however stubborn the bad habits are). And I think I was able to apply some of what we talked about just before in rehearsal with my accompanist--it was much easier and I sounded freer. I'm curious to see how things go on Monday (when two other people observe my lesson--we have to do it for Vocal Ped).

My piano lessons are going relatively well, by the way. It's pretty fun, and I don't have to worry about much other than where my fingers are supposed to be going. Secondary lessons rule, because you don't have all these preconceived notions about how you're supposed to sound. I'm just a baby at piano, so I have no trouble living up to my expectations! I would like to be able to play "Moonlight Sonata" at some point. Cheesy, I know, but I certainly can't accompany myself singing late-Strauss or something...

And dance class is okay, too. I'm definitely challenged in there--and not everything I do is right, but it's certainly better than a month ago. Though apparently I've developed shin splints, which is no fun. Oh, well, I guess I need to stop walking around and keep my legs iced and elevated... yeah, like that can ever happen.

Okay, I really need to go now...

Okay, now I can tell you what's been going on...

Two weeks ago I had some unexplained spotting (which never happens to me)--I put that together with some serious fatigue, and became convinced that I was probably pregnant. Mark and I freaked out and talked and freaked out some more, and then I went to Student Health and the test came back negative. Big sigh of relief. My period still hasn't started but I believe the PMS has, so it's only a matter of time. While I was with the doctor I got a prescription for the Pill so we don't have to go through this again. The entirety of last week is a blur to me. I was a mess. Now is just completely NOT the time for us to have a child. My career seems to be taking off (except I've been singing for shit lately, probably because of all that stress), and starting a family now would basically throw that out the window--sure, I could always come back to it, but how? Would I have to leave the kid with my parents so I could jet off for auditions? That's NOT how I want to do things. We were very seriously considering ending the pregnancy, frankly. It's really easy to talk about that as a concept when it's not personal, but when you really have to consider it...it's very intense. Anyway, it's over now, and I'm so glad.

On a happier note, Mark and I went ring shopping yesterday! We only went to one store, and it was just to see what kinds we both liked. Turns out we have the same taste. Now it's just a matter of Mark's saving the money. (As if I'm into big rings! "I like the pink ice," as you are aware...)

I think we are finally going to Carowinds next weekend. Hooray for roller coasters!

Today I pulled out my favorite red lipstick, which I don't usually wear in the summer. I feel like a '40s movie star when I wear it, and it only costs like $4. I love the autumn in the south. Well, I love it in the north, too, but it's too short...

That's enough disjointed stuff from me. I pretty much did zero schoolwork last week--anatomy of the larynx is hard enough when you're NOT worried about being knocked up--so I have to get caught up. Hope all are well...

p.s. My grandmother turns 70 tomorrow. She will always be about 56 in my mind...

Another Friday...

1. Is the name you have now the same name that's on your birth certificate? If not, what's changed?

It is the same. My professional name (hah! to think I have a "professional name") is identical, though I don't use my middle name.

2. If you could change your name (first, middle and/or last), what would it be?

I'm not particularly crazy about my last name. I mean, people think it's interesting and stuff, but it's always misspelled and sounds kind of harsh. I'll be getting married within the next few years (hopefully), and I will take Mark's name, partly because it just sounds better. I'll hyphenate for my professional name. (You can see I've given this some thought.)

3. Why were you named what you were? (Is there a story behind it? Who specifically was responsible for naming you?)

As many of you know, I was supposed to be named Shannon or Bradley (if male), but my parents couldn't really settle so I left the hospital named "Baby G-----". Then (apochryphally) my father saw the name "Jennifer" on the cover of a magazine at the supermarket, and came home to my mother with it.

There were seven Jennifers in our sixth-grade class. Apparently that was a popular magazine.

4. Are there any names you really hate or love? What are they and why?

I don't like those Nineties-sounding girls' names, like Kaitlyn, Kayla, Ashley, Madison, etc. And it's also weird to have a name that sounds like a verb, e.g. Mark (!), Neil, Bob, Ralph, etc. (No offense to anyone--I have a cousin named Kayla, after all.) If I had to name someone, I would suggest Benjamin, Andrew, Alexander, Elisabeth, Antonia, Maria or Annabelle. I also like the name B'Elana, but it's from Star Trek (DS9) so people would make fun of me. :)

5. Is the analysis of your name at kabalarians.com accurate? How or how isn't it?

Pretty much--though I generally don't have a problem not hurting people's feelings. I don't think. Do I?

Just a quick note:

Ever wanted to read The Patriot Act? Here's your chance. They even have it in PDF format, so you can print it out and bring it to your local ACLU rally. :) I guess I'm sort of joking. Sort of.

There's so much I need to write about. Hopefully I'll get a chance soon.

Cathy: Go you on quitting coffee!

Your Life: The Movie by mintyduck
Who will play you:	Parker Posey
Who will play your love interest:	Angelina Jolie
Weeks you will stay in the box office:	1
Song that will play during your love scene:	Massive Attack - Teardrop
Song that will play during your death:	Nine Inch Nails - Eraser
Your name:
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

That was pretty cool.

So that "project" I was working on? I wrote a quiz on Quizilla! Yes indeed, me and 15,000 teenage girls who can't spell. Anyway, here it is:

You are Countess Almaviva from The Marriage of
Figaro. You're only eighteen, and your
husband is already trying to hook up with your
maid. Poor you! You get him back in the
end...but flirting with Cherubino is no way to
keep him.


Which Mozart - daPonte diva are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

So mine actually makes sense. Anyway, it was a waste of an hour-and-a-half, but I think it's pretty funny. Have a blast with it.

I have some irons in the fire right now, but I'll update you when I can.

Speaking of getting old, Cathy...

"Jenni" is getting married. To an undertaker, no less. Apparently she works for Blue Cross Blue Shield, no longer having to deal with teenage coworkers at Old Navy.

And in today's Times Herald-Record, Reed Marquis's engagement was announced. Weird stuff.

More later. I have a project in the works...

These are funny, even if some of you don't get everything:


The opera that is most like your life is
"Tosca" by Puccini. You love your
sweetheart, but then they get captured, you try
to save them but you make matters worse. You
end up killing yourself. How tragic, but
typical opera.


Which opera is most like your life?
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Your Renee Fleming. Always can be counted on,
responsible, good at learning music, and sweet.
Sometimes you follow rules about your voice but
you don't go overbord with it. Go you.


Which opera singer are you? (female)
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You are Violetta!
You play around with the best of them, but when you
find the right guy, you are faithful as a rock.
At least until his family starts meddling. You
might want to see a doctor about that cough.


Which operatic heroine are you?
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Capt. Picard...you go for the very strong willed,
and mature type....Yep.....Picard.....well
then......


Which Star Trek TNG character will YOU love tonight??? ......for Females
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You are Major Kira. Everyone is in love with you.
You have your pick. Just don't string them
along--you're not worth waiting for.


Which Star Trek whore are you?
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You are Cmdr. William Riker, you lady-killer you!


Which Star Trek: TNG character are you?
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Star Trek and opera. Well, at least I'm well-rounded...

We had a good time in the mountains--unfortunately I tripped in some gravel, like first thing getting out of the car, so I was kind of grumpy the whole time. Poor Mark--sometimes I don't know how he puts up with me.

Things are moving along at a dizzying pace this semester. Before I know it, it'll be November!

First of all, SHOUT OUT to my birthday girl Helen! Twenty-six is the end of the road, I'm afraid... :)

Things aren't going bad here. I went to Student Health Wednesday, and it turns out that I actually do have a sinus infection. They put me on Cipro, and told me to take Claritin and something for the fever I didn't know I had. (Possibly because it was 100 degrees out! Too damn hot...)

I was having a bit of drama about my dance class--as you know, I am not the most graceful or coordinated person in my family (including my brother, who fell on his head quite a bit as a child), and everyone in the class is an 18-year-old dance major who's taken ballet for ten years. I do like the class, and I think it's good for me, but I was a little worried about the grading. (Wouldn't want to mess up my 4.0!) I don't have the option of auditing or pass-failing the class, but a friend of mine reminded me that undergraduate classes don't count toward our GPA. So if I stay in the class (I still have the option of dropping it until October 10) it can't hurt my average too much.

Speaking of grades, we just had our first quiz in Vocal Pedagogy this morning. He really stumped me on the abdominal stuff. And I confused the floating ribs with the false ribs. Couldn't I have just used the rib numbers? Anyway, it wasn't my best work, but I think I did okay.

I had my first coaching with Dr. H----- Wednesday. Right after my doctor's appointment, actually--I was rather worried about it, since I knew I wasn't sounding my best. But it went well, and I was happy. He is the coolest person, I swear. Well, except for Mark. And you all, too, I guess... :)

And today I had my first piano lesson. Scary! It turns out that I won't have a jury or anything--I just take half-hour lessons and get graded on my progress. ("An E for Effort," we like to say.) So now I get to play C-major and G-major scales, and play a few little exercises and this short little Mozart minuet. I'm really starting with baby steps. It's a refreshing change from the Wagner and Strauss I've been working on vocally.

Weekend news: well, after I practice my scales and go home to clean the house (my week), Mark will be coming! Tomorrow we'll probably visit a friend of his the next town over, then Sunday after church we're going to Boone! All I know is that it's really pretty up there. We'll go to Grandfather Mountain and Blowing Rock, and we may get to Linville Caverns if we have the time. The best part is, I have been doing the planning this time. Usually Mark does just about everything, but this was my baby from the beginning. (Granted, it just hatched two days ago, but whatever.) I booked the hotel and everything--and most of them were full or way too expensive, but I was able to find something reasonable. And maybe that means it'll be sketchy, but it's right by the university so I'm not worried about the neighborhood or anything. And isn't that part of the adventure? It'll be a surprise, either way. And I think people get too picky about hotel rooms, anyway--as long as it's clean and comfortable, who cares whether they've got HBO? We're not going there to spend time in the hotel...

Anyway, I'd better get cracking.

Well, the e-mail problem appears to have been corrected.

I just sang in rep class, and it was yuck. I had a lesson today that got me all worked up and confused about my rectus abdominus muscle and working that in with this new tongue thing I've been trying, then had to pee so bad by the time I got to sing in rep (I was last out of nineteen people! In an hour!) I had to throw the whole thing out the window and concentrate on my Kegel muscles so I wouldn't piddle on the floor. So much for that experiment...

We had a good weekend at the beach--though we'd only been at the beach for an hour-and-a-half before it started thundering. We had dinner with Amanda and Darrell on Friday night and coffee with Sara in the morning. It was good to see everyone. I spent all day Sunday at the library, and had dinner with Elena at the student union.

I'm feeling a little distracted right now, for some reason...

BIG NEWS, by the way: Mark's sister-in-law had her baby! His name is John Michael (after his father, Michael John--not very creative), and he was born at 8:30 last night. He weighed 8 pounds 11 ounces, and apparently has a big head. They had to do a C-section because she'd been in labor for like, 16 hours and still wasn't dilated enough. I think Mark was more excited than he let on. :)

Oh, and I had a vial of blood taken for the Marrow Donor Program today. It will take 2-12 weeks for the results to come back. I wish for the best, whatever result that is.

My sinuses have hurt for the last few days. I think I might have a sinus infection, even though I don't feel all that bad. I had to call the cashier and pay the health fee (I'm one credit short of having them add it to my bill automatically), and hopefully my information will get back to Student Health by tomorrow. I need to have this looked at--it's not following the usual pattern, which is a little worrisome.

Anyway, I have to get home and make dinner before my meeting... and also put the computer together, because I need to print out some sheet music I have on CD.

Well, one of those viruses has zeroed in on my e-mail account. I open my inbox this morning, and there's suddenly 88 new messages for "wicked screensavers" and "Thank you", etc., and none of them are from anybody I know. At this point it's just a question of deleting everything (but the two actual messages I received). I didn't open anything, so maybe it will subside after a few days/weeks. If not, I may end up creating a new address--even my Hotmail account doesn't get this much junk. I just set up some filters for my account, so hopefully the junk will get sent there.

I'm on my way to Raleigh, then to Wilmington. I can't wait to get to the beach... :)

Goths
Circle I Limbo

Libertarians, Creationists
Circle II Whirling in a Dark & Stormy Wind

Parents who bring squalling brats to R-rated movies, General asshats
Circle III Mud, Rain, Cold, Hail & Snow

Oakland Raider Fans
Circle IV Rolling Weights

George Bush, The New York Yankees
Circle V Stuck in Mud, Mangled

River Styx

Republicans
Circle VI Buried for Eternity

River Phlegyas

Scientologists, Objectivists
Circle VII Burning Sands

NAMBLA Members
Circle IIX Immersed in Excrement

Uday Hussein, Osama bin Laden
Circle IX Frozen in Ice

Design your own hell

Apparently I find Objectivists more odious than Republicans...


(thanks to Erik)

Just a few notes...

I went to the meeting last night. I didn't say much, but it was really good to be back. Tonight I'm going to create a Plan of Eating and everything. I also found out that there's a Thursday night meeting over in the next town that's up and running, and I plan on attending that as well. I need all the help I can get!

Today I had my first modern dance class. I was glad to see I'm not the only one who kept starting on the wrong foot and stuff. I think it will be a really good experience for me.

We're going to Wilmington this weekend (well, from Friday afternoon to Saturday night, anyway), and I may actually get to see Sara, my old voice teacher! I haven't seen her in over a year--and since then she's left her husband and got certified in music education. A crazy year, I'm sure. I can't wait to see her, actually. We're also having dinner with Amanda and Darrell (Amanda introduced me to Mark), who I found out last night are trying to have a baby. So exciting! And with Mark's sister-in-law due Friday, and two of his friends' wives due in October, we are about to be surrounded in babyness. Better them than me, I always say. :)

In bone marrow news: Isn't that an odd thing to say? Anyway, I called the woman back, and apparently the test they need to do is one they didn't do seven years ago. The results would take eight weeks to get back, and there's only a 10% chance that I'd be a match at that point. Then they do a confirming test, which has a 25% chance of working out. After that they start talking about donations. So right now I have about a 2.5% chance of being a match for this person (a 19-year-old male, I found out). The next step is for the office in Rochester to transfer my information down here (she wasn't sure what city I'd need to go to) so they can take over and make arrangements with me. It's heady stuff.

Oh, and yes, Cathy, there was a picture of me with a needle in my arm in pipedream. I cut it out of the paper and I still have it. Ironically, there are pictures of Dan Minucci and Lindsay Baloga (the Peg) on the other side of my picture. But they're not doing anything life-altering--they got cornered by those poll people (did they live under the Dickinson amphitheater or something?). The question had something to do with leftover Thanksgiving turkey. Dan's (characteristically bizarre and smug) answer was "Children's puppet theater," and Lindsay's had something to do with making soup.

Well, that's enough about undergrad. I have to get home and work on that reading assignment...

First day of classes...

I'm already feeling much better. I've been cheerful and saying hello to people and everything. One class down, and I already have about 300 pages of reading to do. How is that even possible? :) I hope this is a happy start.

In other news: about seven years ago I got on the national bone marrow donor registry (which Cathy might remember, since she was there). Saturday I got a letter saying that I'm a close match for somebody and they want me to go in for some more tests... My first reaction was disbelief. Then I freaked out. It's really overwhelming to think that you might be able to save a stranger's life. But at the same time I was scared--can I even do this, financially or spiritually or otherwise? I had to read up a little more on the procedure (or, rather, my mother went on the internet for me and told me about it). There are two things they may need: blood stem cells, which they can harvest through a series of injections and apheresis (where they cycle your blood through a machine and take out what they need), and marrow itself, which is a surgical procedure where they stick a needle into the back of your pelvic bone. Obviously the first is less invasive, and has a shorter recovery time. But I think I need to do this. The reason I signed up in the first place (well, besides wanting to get my picture into pipedream--stupid 19-year-old!) was because I thought I would want someone to do the same for my family if the situation were reversed. I firmly believe that part of living in a society--hell, civilization in general--is doing your part to help everyone else. Pull together, global village, or whatever. And if that means being in a little discomfort for a week or two so that a leukemia patient can live, then so be it. Anyway, I left a message on Saturday, and they called me back while I was in class, so I guess I have to call them now.

Mark said, "How many people open the mail and get a letter asking them to be a hero?" That made me cry, of course. (It doesn't help that I'm all menstrual right now!) But he was right. I only hope everyone around me (i.e. opera directors, employers) will understand if I need to take a week off. Well, most of my onstage time I'm sitting in an easy chair, so that won't be too big a deal... I'm sure they could give me drugs, and crutches, and a handicapped parking sticker. I would need to drop my dance class, surely--but that's a small price to pay.

Anyway, I have to go make that phone call. Wish me luck. :)

Hellooooooo to New York! Hope you're all getting back into the routine...

I have break from my rehearsal, and I just wanted to say hello. Things are pretty good. I like my cast a lot, and I think we're all going to have a really great experience. Lots of talent and good people!

In other good news--it looks like I have an accompanist for next semester! And he's very good. I'm actually looking forward to this semester!

I don't know if I mentioned it, but when we were up in Minneapolis, Elena told me, "You are so different here than at school!" And I was--I was relaxed, enthusiastic and social (whereas here I was tired, cranky and generally stressed out). Even when I got sick, I was always ready to jump in and do something new. I really valued her telling me that, and need to figure out what made the difference. Granted, I think part of it was being in a 100% supportive environment (which I don't necessarily feel like I have here--I mean, they grade you). But I need to capture that feeling, and run with it. You know, I didn't binge at all while I was up there. Partly because I was running around crazy all the time, and outside of the practice room I was never really alone for very long, but still... I didn't really feel the need to do it. And then I get back down here, and all the old habits start creeping back. It is so important for me to start going to meetings again (albeit alone--Vanessa had a run-in with one of the other women...LONG STORY). Maybe I need to treat it as a class--something I do for a grade, that requires attendance and homework. And I think once I get a sponsor (MUST do this) I'll do better. Anyway, it's really important to me to change the way I react to life. Turn lemons into lemonade. Let a smile be my umbrella. Fake it 'till you make it. All that aphoristic shit.

Must practice. I hope those of you without power are doing well. Then again, you can't exactly read this then, can you? :)

As promised , behold my photographic memory of a commercial from 1985:

------------------------------------------------
SCENE: Abandoned railroad tracks

(Closeup on Molly Ringwald-lookalike)

MRL (pouting): I hate my mother. She's so much prettier than me.

(Guitar riff)

ANNOUNCER: Jordache Basics.

ATTRACTIVE MALE FRIEND #1: Your mother?

ATTRACTIVE FEMALE FRIEND: Have you seen her mother?

ATTRACTIVE MALE FRIEND #2 (balancing on tracks): I have! I hope she gets divorced before I'm out of school!

(MRL flashes AMF2 dirty look, then gets mopey again)

MRL: I saw a picture of her from when she was my age.

AMF1 (interested): Was she hot?

MRL: No, she was short, with freckles, and a little bit overweight.

AFF (smirking): Kinda like you?

MRL (despondent): Exactly like me...

(A beat, as MRL realizes implications)

(MRL smiles, another guitar riff)

-------------------------------------------------------

Maybe this sticks with me because it was specifically meant to emulate the John Hughes movies (Pretty in Pink, anyone?) that I, as an eight-year-old, was not allowed to watch. I also think this commercial was the beginning of an advertising trend that is now the norm: commercials geared toward teenagers (and their discretionary income, which is apparently larger proportionally than any other demographic) that promote an image, rather than the product itself. What is this commercial really for, anyway? Yeah, I guess the kids are all wearing jeans, but I didn't even mention that in my little script. But I bet you all assumed they were wearing jeans, since they're all hanging out in the old railyard or whatever. This is more like a scene from one of those movies--you could create names and back stories for all four characters that have nothing to do with denim. Remember the Taster's Choice couple? (The guy went on to be Buffy's mentor on the TV show, and now he's on some BBC show.) Them too--though I suppose their relationship was inextricably linked with flavored yuppie coffee. But jeans are part of the Jordache kids' lifestyle as well... Anyway, I was thinking of that commercial yesterday (as I was redoing these notebooks...ARRGGHH...)

See what happens when I don't post for a week? I start thinking too much.

Speaking of which, I think it's time for another one of my music rants (cf. Extreme, Matchbox 20). This one will be devoted to Dan Fogleberg. I have to admit to you all that my taste in recreational music has been creeping towards Adult Contemporary in recent months. (And my taste in academic music toward Wagner--try finding a correlation there!) Before you start howling at me, don't worry--I still change the station whenever Celine Dion or Christina Aguilera or (Heaven forbid) Justin Timberlake come on. I think I'm just starting to appreciate the mellow stuff. There was a time when I wouldn't touch James Taylor with a ten-foot pole--now I turn it up. It's partly because of the radio stations I've been listening to: the "Timeless Favorites" station that juxtaposes Patsy Cline and Stevie Wonder; one that specializes in Eighties "Hitz"; and eek! a soft-rock station out of Mark's town that happens to play a lot of Billy Joel and Elton John and Journey/Foreigner/REO Speedwagon (as previously established, these three are actually the same band, which ought to be called Joureignerwagon or something), artists whom I have enjoyed for many years. In any case, I have been exposed to a lot of "lite" rock lately, and at some point began to develop an appreciation for Dan Fogleberg. I had always liked "Longer" (though I still cannot ignore the grammar--that's "fish", dear, not "fishes"), and then I kept hearing "Leader of the Band" on the radio--most notably on a weekend afternoon in June, eating lunch with Mark at Denny's. And then again, on our way to the Farmers' Market. Mark kept saying it was about a serial killer, and that it was "creepy" and "gross" ("...his blood runs through my instrument"), but that was just to get my dander up. He also kept mentioning this song "Same Old Lang Syne", which I could not recall hearing, but apparently had something to do with running into your ex-girlfriend in the supermarket and drinking beer in a parking lot. Last weekend he surprised me with a present from Borders--a greatest-hits CD entitled Essential Dan Fogleberg which was on sale. It's a mix of folky ballads and bland, proto-Richard Marx cuts. Though the liner notes cite that Fogleberg "reserves the right to rock", he doesn't really exercise his rights all that much. At best, he sounds like a Glenn Frey cover band. (The concept alone!) And yes, there is a song about the Kentucky Derby--from the horse's perspective. But I do like "Same Old Lang Syne":

Met my old lover in the grocery store
The snow was falling Christmas Eve
I stole behind her in the frozen foods
And I touched her on the sleeve
She didn't recognize the face at first
But then her eyes flew open wide
She went to hug me and she spilled her purse
And we laughed until we cried

We took her groceries to the checkout stand
The food was totalled up and bagged
We stood there lost in our embarrassment
As the conversation dragged
We went to have ourselves a drink or two
But couldn't find an open bar
We bought a six-pack at the liquor store
And we drank it in her car

We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness but neither one knew how

She said she'd married her an architect
Who kept her warm and safe and dry
She would have liked to say she loved the man
But she didn't like to lie
I said the years had been a friend to her
And that her eyes were still as blue
But in those eyes I wasn't sure if I saw doubt or gratitude
She said she saw me in the record stores
And that I must be doing well
I said the audience was heavenly but the traveling was hell

We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now
And tried to reach beyond the emptiness but neither one knew how
We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to time
Reliving in our eloquence, another 'auld lang syne'

The beer was empty and our tongues were tired
And running out of things to say
She gave a kiss to me as I got out and I watched her drive away
Just for a moment I was back at school
And felt that old familiar pain
And as I turned to make my way back home
The snow turned in to rain...
--------------

There are so many goofy turns of phrase in this song, I don't have time to list them all. (Though my personal favorite is the part about the groceries being bagged; why anybody would commit that to poetry is beyond my comprehension.) But I like it. Its simplicity is nice. It's something anybody can relate to. (Though notice he squeezed in the part about life on the road. Rock stars!)

I have work to do...