Tuesday, June 02, 2015
hello, goodbye
My campus life is finally coming to a completion soon. Life being an overseas student has been extraordinary. I was pushed to get out of my comfort zone to meet strangers, read about things I'm not quite interested in, listen to music that had never been my cup of tea, just so that I could connect with the relatively new environment in the best possible way. I felt that I have done a great job so far and have surprised myself in many ways. I have never felt so independent in my whole life before because being an international student essentially means that you are alone, you are the only person to depend on. The art of decisions-making has stepped up to a whole new level. Everyday I make the choice to take good care of myself including my nutritional, financial, social, emotional, physical, spiritual needs. I think my socio-emotional aspect has probably showed the sharpest learning curve. There were so much ups and downs when it comes to dealing with the people around me. Encounters with my previous landlord, housemates, groupmates, boys, people from various cultures etc. Some of them left me feeling upset but they were after all good experiences. I have also accepted that people come and go. As much as I love the feeling of spontaneously running into friendly and nice people, there is really nothing I can do to hold on to that except to be very present and give my time to the person I am with. I wouldnt know when would be the next time I will meet them again, though we always pretend that we are still connected over facebook. man...9:59 pm
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Thank you, I love you.
I'm surprised that I'm back here again for some useless rambling that probably shouldn't reach the ears of the unemphatic and judgemental. There came a point in my life when I'm not quite a believer of true worldly love and all that I've wanted to do was to get out and understand what these hopeful people are actually up to and maybe one day someone would come challenging my ideals. I tried with an open mind, started seeing guys without any expectations. But I still ended up fantasizing over what an ideal romance would be like for me and I enjoyed it. Then I realised that a part of me still crave romance and intimacy. I thought I have successfully boycotted the idea of searching for someone to trade for some pleasant experiences becos ya... that's conditional and comes with many daunting expectations which are probably not necessary for the betterment of the well-being of any human! Eventually, my emotions got the better of me when I've confirmed my suspicions that my crush was avoiding me. And I have no idea why and have decided to stop thinking about the possible reasons that would never get back to me. At the very least I know that I'm amazing, I have done my part to present my interests in a sensible way, and there was nothing else I ought to do. That was a valuable affirmation I've gained from my past relationships- boys who disappeared out of unknown reasons. The problem could have been me but I don't know what is it. Maybe I'm not ready to find that out and there is no hurry for that because romance is just a small exclusive aspect of my life. Fortunately, my other types of interpersonal relationships are not suffering the same way, maybe just a few of them which I didn't make enough effort to maintain the connection. Anyway, my stance still remains that human relationships are ever so volatile. There could be varying levels of vested energy in each of them with unexpected returns and we just have to learn to be cool with that. Nonetheless, I still love how I appear to be at this moment- carefree, silly, laughable, inquisitive. When someone doesn't seem to accept us wholeheartedly, that doesn't mean that the amazing qualities we have are being downplayed! And a reminder to myself too, when I'm unable to see eye to eye with someone, it doesn't mean that there is nothing I could learn from him. Thank You, I Love You.12:38 pm
Tuesday, February 04, 2014
Have you ever felt so down in your life that you're not quite sure what to do next? Everything feels so scattered in my life that I don't want to do anything about them... Have you ever tried not holding a real conversation with any human being for weeks? It feels ghostly. The air is chill. My skin is pale. My soul is ill.4:17 pm
Tuesday, August 13, 2013
I’ve been sleeping way too much these days and not being productive at all. Doing last minute literature review to prepare for tomorrow’s tutorial now… but can’t seem to find anything useful. Feeling so distracted with so many thoughts in my mind… I’m gonna die. 
1:22 am
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
放
我们的感情根本就只建立在于手机联系上。 没有了电话联线，关系也不就是一场空。 缘份说来就来说去就去。现在好想忘了他， 但需要好多好多的勇气和自爱。 不能在乎他正在做什么，不能在乎他和谁在一起，也不在乎他有没有找我。所有不明白的是时候放下，无需追问。因为该呈现出的答案一直都在，只是被借口和贪爱给盲目了。8:42 pm
Monday, July 29, 2013
We have been stuck for too many times
I cant rmb how many times have we turn to a separation whenever we're hit with a communication breakdown. It's a shame. And when we decide to get back tgt, it's always due to mere emotional longing for each other. Somehow we had taken it for granted that at the end of the day we will still be there for each other.If only we are willing to invest the right amount of time and effort to build and maintain the relationship, everything else will be worthwhile when we reap twice the amount of support thereafter.
He is not ready for it and feels that he has no capacity of doing that at the moment.
I figured that i should let go on a further level. I have let go of him as being my boyfriend-company, it didnt seem much of a problem if i dont consciously think about it! Bcos we dont hang out very often anyway and it makes no much difference to my time scheduling. Ive also learnt to let go of concepts of how a boyfriend should be, such as expecting daily sweet texting. Ive also let go of the mistakes he had made bcos i chose to see such behaviour as his moments of anger and impulsiveness and not his real intent.
I only wish he could be happy and gentle and open to communication.
9:47 pm
Monday, July 22, 2013
He wants so much from me
Just asking, what would you do if your partner is constantly finding fault with you? making you feel inadequate all the time. what if you’ve already tried your best ? what if what he expects aren’t even part of your obligations? what if 50% of your time and space is already spent on him?
He wants so much from me. 
is this what love is going to be? why is it so tiring ..so fearful of doing wrong things or not doing enough.