My shoulders are heavy with responsibility.

Who's going to shoulder mine?

fairness is not being fair to everyone

Life is never fair.

The way the world works...

Depends largely on relationships...

Call it unfair,

or even dirty.

That's something we cannot change.

Imperfections of human nature.

Deal with it.

Fairness never wins.

Love is...

I just can't tell you two how much i love you. (:

):

keeping mum doesn't mean i do not have a temper.

smiling doesn't mean i'm ok.

not flaring up doesn't mean you can talk to me rudely.

being friends doesn't mean you can treat me like i'm an idiot.

and you ask my why i am so reserved.

you say i'm always working.

but at least i like what i do.

is that wrong?

i wish i have more support and less ridicule.

Have u ever EVEN wondered why i seem so distant now.

i don't like to be ridiculed like that. and i do not think i like your judgemental comments.

what you feel and think is not what i feel and think.

respect me please.

if not i will only drift further away.

and i thought friends are supposed to support one another.

All i can think of  is your ' omg, i cannot believe you" kinda sceptical face.

How can i not feel hurt.

Life, Love and Celebration

Came across this photo while browsing at Page One yesterday. I love the contrast of their uniforms, their posture and how everyone seems to be in such a celebratory mood.

Totally unplanned for, and yet everything just seem to fit in so perfectly.

These 2 people did not know each other and yet they shared the kiss of celebration.

This picture is one i really really like.

Today, i came across this note.

Though i know that nobody really comes here anymore, i still want to share it.

Steve Jobs and his wife.

On the Month of 2011, at the celebrate of his 20th anniversary with his wife, Laurene Powell Jobs, He read a note he had written:
"We didn't know much about each other 20 years ago. We were guided by our intuition; you swept me off my feet. It was snowing when we got married at the Ahwahnee (Lodge in Yosemite). Years passed, kids came, good times, hard times, but never bad times. Our love and respect has endured and grown. We've been through so much together and here we are right back where we started 20 years ago -- older, wiser -- with wrinkles on our faces and hearts. We now know many of life's joys, sufferings, secrets and wonders and we're still here together. My feet have never returned to the ground."

After reading it, he "cried uncontrollably."

I really love the last sentence:

" My feet has never returned to the ground "

Love is such a wonderful thing, if it's tangible, i'm sure it'll be the most beautiful thing on earth.

travelling

想旅行，

想出去走走。

想看世界。

想活得更精彩。

也许我的想法很肤浅，幼稚。

但这是我喜欢的生活方式。

心不定，人不留。

开心就好。

问题就是没有钱。

tsk.

回到现实，被打回原形。
(not 圆形 pls)

慢靈魂

晚霞灿烂照着我　一朵蒲公英飘落窗口


就在小镇的街头　数着路灯我一个人走



终究会习惯　这种生活

太多的困惑　我不想懂

就在没有月光的时候　流星划过我的身后



微风轻轻吹　吹得我心醉

我像风筝飞　被吹得好远

越过了无垠海边　我只想要慢慢飞

微风轻轻吹　谁在流眼泪

我像风筝飞　越过了界限　好远　流星划过的瞬间

我才发现找不到　oh　我的世界



点点星光照着我　这种寂寞穿过我胸口

就在小镇的街头　数着路灯我一个人走



终究会习惯　这种生活

太多的困惑　我不想懂

就在没有月光的时候　流星划过我的身后



微风轻轻吹　吹得我心醉

我像风筝飞　被吹得好远

越过了无垠海边　我只想要慢慢飞

微风轻轻吹　谁在流眼泪

我像风筝飞　越过了界限　好远　流星划过的瞬间

我才担心会找不到　oh　你的世界



微风轻轻吹　吹得我心醉

我像风筝飞　被丢的好远

越过了无垠海边　我只想要慢慢飞

微风轻轻吹　不要流眼泪

我像风筝飞　越过了界限　好远

原谅我的慢灵魂　我担心会找不到　希望找得到

会不会跟不上　你的世界

旅行的意義

你看過了許多美景


你看過了許多美女

你迷失在地圖上每一道短暫的光陰



你品嚐了夜的巴黎

你踏過下雪的北京

你熟記書本裡每一句你最愛的真理



卻說不出你愛我的原因

卻說不出你欣賞我哪一種表情

卻說不出在什麼場合我曾讓你動心

說不出離開的原因



你累計了許多飛行

你用心挑選紀念品

你蒐集了地圖上每一次的風和日麗



你擁抱熱情的島嶼

你埋葬記憶的土耳其

你流連電影裡美麗的不真實的場景



卻說不出你愛我的原因

卻說不出你欣賞我哪一種表情

卻說不出在什麼場合我曾讓你分心

說不出旅行的意義



你勉強說出你愛我的原因

卻說不出你欣賞我哪一種表情

卻說不出在什麼場合我曾讓你分心

說不出離開的原因



勉強說出你為我寄出的每一封信

都是你離開的原因

你離開我　就是旅行的意義

worries

i worry.

7 wks.

how am i, or rather. how are we all going to raise enough $$ for this trip?

y is it that everyone seems so oblivious.

half hearted effort.

tires me out.

but i;m still grateful to those who see the proj as their very own.

luckily they are around.

pork chop

Smells like a piece of pork chop.

I should have used the Febreeze after the bbq.

shucks

barrier

This barrier.

So huge.

I dunno whether i should cross it.

I question my faith.

Is this worth it?

Is it the right thing to do?

To abandon one's original beliefs.

To adopt something else.

Should i?

Should i not?

Utilised

Utilised.

Friends?

Hai.

If only i can be less user-friendly

well said

This is so true. If only people UNDERSTAND this and not treat us like a commodity.

From xinmsn:

Professor Tan Ser Kiat, president of SMC, said: "There are many reasons — one is of course advancing technological demands and he must be more knowledgeable. Second and an equally important factor is the increasing demands and expectations of the public.
"From my experience, some of these demands and expectations are unrealistic and therefore we have to try to resolve that. We all know that medicine is unlike nuclear physics where one plus one is always equal to two. The practice of medicine is based on experience and outcomes, and no two patients are identical. So the doctor may do his best but the outcome may not necessarily be what the patient is looking for".

Defensive medicine.

How sad.

qns

Have you ever appreciated what i've done?

Or do you take me for granted?

report

Venue: Home

Sept 05 2011

War time.

Sept 09 2011

Foreign allies do not understand. Starts accusations and sarcasm.

Sept 11 2011

Beginnings of cold war.

Sept 15 2011

Cold war expected to spread to involve more parties.

Jia lat. I think i need more ammunition.

Gonna be a 1: n situation.

Better plan to look for another 栖身之所。

Changes

When friendship becomes a source of stress.

When expectations become stiffling.

And remarks bear a tinge of sarcasm.

Agreement is not always required.

Just simple respect of other people's views.

The tone implies more than the words.

If such is the view.

why should i be there.

New phase

A new phase of my life.

So enjoyable.

No after hours stress from work.

No weekends stress or endless work to complete.

Just that somehow my calender is still packed to the brim.

But at least right now..

I'm glad that i am able to breathe better.

Less stress, happier than before.

Money woes affect everyone, but better than nothing.

Time is somehow still an issue here.

Sometimes i end up taking more commitments.

Or rather end up unknowingly in some additional commitments.

But in this new phase.

I am so much happier.

New phases brings new stress.

Just take it as it comes.

Life's never gonna be smooth sailing.

Friend?

Someone who approaches you when they have trouble.

A friend?

Hmmmm.

I cannot differentiate.

Commencement 2011

Remember i once blogged about a song earlier this year?

It's been quite a while since i've last heard it.

To hear it again tonight, on the night of my commencement.

There's really this surge of emotions flowing through me.

I remembered how i felt when i was struggling with clinics.

When i was facing so many difficulties i really felt so desperate.

When i cried at the bus stop due to stress.

When i stayed back so late everyday and had dinner with the dinner gang daily.

When we went for supper with the juniors.

The things we talked to the juniors about.

The fun we had.

The hardships we went through together.

The help and support we gave each other.

The shoulders we cried on.

That kind of heart wrenching feeling from desperation, fear and uncertainty.

It's finally over.

Commencement 2011.

One of the happiest day of my life.

It all feels like a dream.

I won't wanna forget these 4 years and the hardships.

In  a way... they've made me who i am.

tougher, more resilient and more tolerant.

I'm so glad that i've went through it.

And it's over.

Thank you everyone.

(:

We have the same mitochondrias. yes. we do.

Sometimes i think you really hate me.

Can't be helped eh?

Nvm.

Be rest assured that you will see less of me from now on.

Damned. i miss hostel already

Adiós

bye bye and hello

bye bye school.

hello to a new chapter of my life.

I've placed enough effort.

I'm tired.

I don't want to look back.

I'm gonna look forward.

Whatever that has happened,

shall be left behind.

may time ensure that they are not aroused.

I'm starting to feel old.

I cannot take so much twists and turns in my life.

I am getting tired quite easily.

And that seems to apply to a lot of things.

let go, say bye.

And then say hello.

Yea. that's how i'll do it.

finally

Finally.

What i've been wishing for is here.

4 years seemed so long ago.

Yet it felt like it was just yesterday.

The orientation.

The walk to PGP.

The games on the fields.

Float building behond SoC.

Dinners at arab street,

Lab work in the old building.

Staying over and mugging in lounge.

Sitting by the stairs and having my lunch.

It all feels like yesterday.

So surreal.

So nostalgic.

I'm gonna miss Uni afterall.

A part of life has jus ended.

I should brace myself to welcome the future.

I know i'm gonna miss being a student.

But it's jus sad that i can no longer be a freshie anymore.

And that's just about the amount of friends i think i can have.

It's gonna be hard to meet new people, make new friends when work starts.

And it's gonna be tough to keep in touch with common things to talk about.

it's sad.

But so true.

I am already missing school.

四年如十年

好快，四年过了。

忙忙碌碌，又过了。

回想起当年刚从中学毕业，

我也快大学毕业了。

这四年，

有好有坏，

开心和不开心，

欢笑，眼泪，

政治，争执。

发生了好多好多。

有人进入我的生活，也有人离开。

有朋友，也有敌人。

要一一回想，真是有点难。

有点感慨，

为什么人生过得那么快。

这四年我都没有停下脚步，

去反省，去欣赏，去享受生命的这一切。

好快。

我也老了，不在年轻了。

是时候，放下学业成绩的包袱，

去过自己想要的生活。

在我还有年轻人的那种冲进和生命力时，

做我想做的，去我想去的地方。

学我想学的， 认识更多人。

但是。。。

该从何开始呢？

有那么一点不知所措。

毕竟突然间变得无所事事。

很不习惯。

还是别想拿么多。

过了monday and tuesday 的 CD1 and CD2 再说。

Last week to full blown stress

It's so painful.

I don't exactly know how to feel. To study or not to study.

To just heck it or what.

I am so tired.

It's been a long time. and i've come to the point i actually feel like vomitting the more i read.

And yet, i feel the stress building up.

2 wks 2 days to freedom.

I need a good break.

It's when i'm most stressed that i'm most vulnerable.

I realised.

I miss home.

I miss my mummy and papa and my meow meow and my bed.

I want to go home.

I'm so tired.

):

13 more days

What a painful and torturous last lap.

But am glad that it is raining now.

Much relief to the sweltering heat.

Final Exam

The last lap.

Amazing how time flies.


From how i felt back as a year 1 student.

To now...


Things have changed.

So many things have happened.

I just need that kind of drive i had back then.

Let me find it.

2 more weeks.

And it'll be over.

Pray for me.

Help me pull through this last and perhaps the most important exam in my life.

withdrawal symptoms

You know how it feels to have withdrawal symptoms?

it's terrible.

got my cousin to change my FB password so i can focus better.

But it's only the 2nd day..

I cannot take it anymore.

HELP!!!

FB withdrawal.

my stalker instinct is so strong.

hahaha

小孩心，大人心

现实是残酷的。

现实和家庭环境的差距太大。

要如何应对？

利益当前，人心难测。

谁是朋友，谁是敌人。

分不清。

为了利益，人可以变得很自私，很虚伪。

好可怕。

有谁会保持真诚，去面对别人射的冷箭？

去用真心对待别人？

交朋友也不是为了友谊，

而是说为的networking。

为了什么，还不是为了以后做事会顺利一点，

友情好像变成了一种利益的交换。

不用现在换，可以是以后。

人可以为了自己去认识别人，为以后铺路。

友谊似乎值分文。

说我 low EQ 也好，


但要我没办法为了利益和别人做朋友。

朋友是用心换得，不是利益换得。

用利益为前提去交朋友，那不是友情。

难怪人人都说，好朋友都是中学和高中认识的。

也许应为大家都不用为钱，名和利烦恼。

也许应为都还年轻。

当个小孩还是最好的。

不用想太多，可以做回自己。

真心没价值。

现实就是如此。

Beautiful night

When you're all weary and tired.

When you've seem to lose all motivation and passion to carry on.

Some people will always be there.

Rain or shine.

Day and night.

They are the reason why you go on.

The reason why i am able to remain grounded after all these years.

And the reason why i am able to find myself everytime i'm lost.

It's feels so wonderful to see them tonight.

It's like a breeze of fresh air blowing through my hair.

How nice.

How comforting.

What a beautiful evening tonight.

Dream

Dreamt of nice things last night.

If only every night is like that.

To stop dreaming about school is a gd thing.

To dream of things that makes me happy.

Makes me wake up feeling happy.

if only those were real.

Hang in there!

不要怕。

Elitism

Dear classmate,

you don't know me well.

So don't comment.

Don't talk to me in such a derogatory manner.

Don't assume what you think you know.

So what if i do not know certain things you deem as general knowledge,

We have different priorities in life.

So what if i'm a bookworm.

It's my responsibility as a student, as a healthcare professional.

Don't mock me.

There's a certain limit.

And that applies to friends.

But i don't think i regard you as mine now.

Such insult.

Friends don't derive joy out of mocking and looking down on each other.

If elitism is your belief,

then stay away from me.

I don't believe in that, esp when it applies to someone like you.

Commencement 2011

Commencement 2011.

Something i've waited and worked for.

Something which i look forward to.

The journey is arduous.

It's coming to an end.

And i am questioning myself.

If i should once again try and work towards what i've been telling myself not to.

I don't know if i can overcome the fear and disappointment,

when what results is not what i hoped for.

I need to tell myself to stop doubting,

to stop thinking.

And just work my best towards the goal.

What awaits....

I do not know.

Should i brace myself for the disappointment which is likely?

Hmmmm

Hello me.

Don't give up just yet.

When you give up for the first time,

you can be sure you'll do it a 2nd time, a 3rd time.

When you overcome this difficulty,

you'll be better equipped for the next.

Life is not life if there are no ups and downs.

Hang in there.

Have faith, even if it's blind faith.

Believe me,

Trust me.

From,
Yours truly.

Sometimes certain thoughts are better than reality.

Why I Will Never Leave You

Apr. 7, 2011

By Eva Faber

 

Do you love me or just the thought of me?
It’s so cliché but my mind has been going over this so many times I’ve stopped counting.
Which one is it? And what’s the difference other than the ability to touch me?

If I’d pass away, you’d still talk to me before you go to sleep.
You’d still tell me all about your day, your job, how there was this moment just after waking when you noticed the bed was colder.
You’d probably ask me “and how are you?” and fall asleep shortly after, accustomed to the silence that follows.

On your way to work the radio would play the songs that remind you of me, because they all do.
When you’d cross the bridge, images would start to pop up in your head.
The two of us swimming naked in the river, our bodies tanned and sweaty.
Strawberry ice cream in my hair, my fingers sweet against your lips.
My long hair spread out in the grass, your dog peaceful at my feet, your hand pressed against my cheek. None of these are things we’ve necessarily ever done, but the pictures are so pretty in your head.

You don’t need me for that.

If I’m not here – what would you miss me for?
Don’t miss being able to talk to me, because you still can.
You’ve known me for so long, you already know what I’m going to say anyway.
You wouldn’t miss me surprising you, because I never do.
There’d be no void where my voice used to be.
The silence after I’ve fallen asleep would be even more silent and with your eyes closed you can fantasize that I’m there next to you.
You could make me as pretty as you like, finally getting rid of the mole on my right breast you find so distracting.

It would take some getting used to making breakfast just for one, but let’s be honest: that’s not something you’d actually miss, right?
It’d give you time to go for a quick run, kick start your day, do something useful.
Something you can tell me about later when you imagine me leaning against you, praising you for your hard work.
When I’m no longer here, you could still have me and secretly add all the qualities you always wished I had.

When I’m gone, nothing would really change except maybe for the better.
You’d cry, for the changes they’d ask you to make are something you’re not ready for.
You’d cry for seeing yourself so miserable, for thinking you’d lost the love of your life.

Don’t. Don’t cry, don’t change.

Don’t tell a soul I’m gone.
Keep me with you and make me better than I ever was, take all you never could from me.
You wouldn’t have to miss a thing at all; what you loved in me could now never be taken from you.
You’d never have to miss me.

But I’d sure miss to be touched.

toothbrush

It's time to change a toothbrush.

I wonder why it took so long.

I ought to slap myself back into reality.

Sergie Grinkov and Ekaterina Gordeeva

Good things don't last.

Wad a pity.

Withdrawal

I've never imagined that such emotions will overwhelm me.

As i pack my lab table today. I realised that i will miss this place which i've spent my last 4 years.

All the hardship, all the tears, stress, quarrels, black face etc etc.

I've never imagined that i'll actually grow to be fond of it.

A sense of belonging? I do not know.

As much as i know that i'm gonna be happy to leave this place, i can't help but think that i might actually miss it.

I wonder why.

The day when i no longer have to call patients, no longer have to stay back till 0930pm to do lab work,  no longer can bitch with my classmates.

All the nonsense that we use to say to crack each other up,

all the pat on the back, slap on the butt to ask " eh, you ok or not"

and the late walk back to hall, the dinners together.

The ability of us to just show our emotions, pour our hearts out, cry our eyes swollen.

I think i will miss it.

There are good times, bad times. Good people, bad people.

I'm glad i've chosen the right people to be with,

no doubt a little later.

I think i might miss school afterall.

Last stretch.

Must work hard.

God bless.

Pray hard.

Coughs vs flu

Coughs are worst than flu.

It hurts like mad.

Internally.

Just like a heartbreak.


but instead, it's your lungs which are being torn apart.

Flu??

Chey...

Rub nose only wad.

Like massage.

Coughs are the worst of the lot.

Close your eyes, Clear your heart. Let it go

I love this phrase.

So apt at this point in time.

I've been brushing teeth for almost 3 months now.

Just like how initially the teeth seems so clean and your breath smells so nice...

Continuous brushing, brushing continuously.

Ain't a good thing sometimes too.

The teeth has started to develop NCCLs.

Instead of doing it till i see pulpal exposure....

I've decided to stop brushing.


Let the image of nice clean teeth remain.

History repeats despite all the synchronicity that has been happening all these while.

Perhaps it's just apophenia.

Teeth change, people change.

Let's move on.

School ended the way it started.

One full circle.

Now...

A new chapter awaits.

1 more term.

1 more exam

I shall cease to see brushing.

Life's gonna be good.

I believe so.

I hope so.

Focus.

No more hocus pocus.

Fatty

I miss my meow meow at home.

I think 1 week in school is the max i can take.

Weird

Feels weird.

Excitment, anticipation, butteflies.

Pericardium ache.


I have no idea why.

In the middle of reading an article,

Something like this strikes.

It's been a long time.

No. Not now.

Not when i'm so close to graduation...

No way.

Wait.

Let it wait pls.

Not an attack now.

26th feb 2011

Feels loved.

(:

23rd

Happy 23rd to me.

A night well spent with cousins.

A year to finally get out of school.

A year older

Hopefully a year wiser too

Happy birthday to you.


From me.

Dispensable

Feeling used and utilized.

I'm here when they need a ear.

And when i need a ear... (and they are aware)

They disappear.

When things don't go right despite my advice.

I get subtly blamed.

There seems to be no more common topic between us.

And i only get to talk to you when you need advice.

If that's your definition of friendship.

I have nothing to say.

It's disappointing how people treat each other at times.

People change and i've become dispensable, or so it seems.

Talk about recycling.

Meow

I look at him.

And it puts my heart at ease.

I feel so comfortable and peaceful just looking at him.

Calms my nerves,

Soothes my fears,

Comforts my emotions.

When i'm torn and tattered after a long week out.

I thank heavens for letting him into my life.

As i'm typing this, he's sound asleep in my room.

Tired.

I'm so tired.

0730 to 2130 every single day.

Non stop.

Mugging when i'm back.

Studying for 4 competencies.

Sleeping with the lights on cos i doze off.

So tired.

I need to oil this machinery.

):

It doesn't help to help others when you end up in trouble yourself.

And worse of all,

You don't get appreciated.

And the blame gets subtly pushed to you.

And to begin with....

You've had a bad day too.

What a horrible day in school.


I guess in everyone's heart, only they themselves matter the most.

To hell with the others.

Right?

It doesn't pay to be kind.

I totally understand now.

Focus

Focus.

Hocus Pocus didn't work.

Somethings will be gone before you know it.

Especially when waiting takes too long.
I've moved on.

Right now.

I just want to focus.

Laughs

I laugh at your assumption.
I laugh at how inadequate you feel.
And i laugh at you for being such a huge hypocrite.
I laugh at how you think you know me.
And i laugh at your silly tactics.
You make me so sick, i can't stand the sight of you.
It's ironic i have to see you so often.
Makes me feel so disgusted.
And today is one of the day you totally ruin my day.
And i marvel at how well you picked the time, choosing to ruin it at the end of the day.
Thanks man Mr S*#)(@*#)(@*#(
Hypocrites.
HAh.
Get off my back will ya?

Nostalgia

Saw a patient whom we saw when we first started clinics.

Felt so nostalgic.

Suddenly i think i will miss school when i grad.

I get my fair share of shit, i think more than others.

But somehow i think through all these hardships...

I've really bonded well with a few close friends.

I'll definitely miss being with them after school till 930pm in lab,

Going for dinners, going for ice cream, late night movies in hall,

Walking back together.

HTHT after a long period of sucky days in school, bitching about classmates, assessors etc etc.

I think certain things happen for a reason.

For me, i think this has been a period of training for me.

And i think w/o these few wonderful people, life would have been so different.

I am ever so thankful to have met them.

history

History repeats itself.

I need to learn again.

To accept,

To recover.

It's gonna take a while.

I need some more time to learn all over again.

Breathe.

I'LL MOVE ON - Olivia Ong

This road that I'm taking twists and turns
My life my chance turning dreams into reality.
Down this path faced with so many things
Sometimes I feel like giving up and turn away

Can't seem to go on
And I've been thru' this before
Now where am I?
Where do I stand?
A little lost here.
But I'll remember.
All those times you've bought me thru'.
I'd be a fool to give up cos' the goal is near

I'll move on I'll go on.
Lord I will take your hand.
And you will guide me along.
Survive thru' this storm.
So I say, come what may.
I'll hold on to my hope.
Yes, I will walk down this road.
And my passion drive will lead me on

Here I am Once again caught in the rain.
Looking back I've come so far And I want to carry on
Take a step at time
It's alright.
Even thru' this rain, I want to smile again

Don't hold back now.
And i've been thru' this before.
Now where am I?
Where do I stand?
A little lost here.
But I'll remember.
All those times you've bought me thru'.
I can feel the sun shining down on me

Here I am, Here I am.
Lord I will take your hand.
And you will guide me along.
Survive thru' this storm.
So I say, come what may.
I'll hold on to my hope.
Yes, I will walk down this road.
And my passion drive will lead me on.

Try

If i walk, would you run?
If i stop, would you come?
If i say you're the one, would you believe me?
If i ask you to stay, would you show me the way?
Tell me what to say so you don't leave me.
The world is catching up to you
While you're running away to chase your dream
It's time for us to make a move cause we are asking one another to change
And maybe i'm not ready

Chorus
But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough

If i sing you a song, would you sing along?
Or wait till i'm gone, oh how we push and pull
If i give you my heart would you just play the part
Or tell me it's the start of something beautiful.
Am i catching up to you?
While your running away to chase your dreams
It's time for us to face the truth cause we are coming to each other to change
And maybe i'm not ready

Chorus
But I'll try for your love
I can hide up above
I will try for your love
We've been hiding enough

I will try for your love
I can hide up above

If i walk would you run
If i stop would you come
If i say you're the one would you believe me

Fame 2009

Utilisation?

Talked to a friend last evening.

Her words made my change my perspective about certain things, people and events that have been happening lately...

I'm not sure if this is actually happening.

But i hope we're on good terms not because of my current status.

And that it's not because it'll be beneficial to you or what.

I hope the situation now is not due to principle of utilisation and maximisation.

I hope it's based on sincerity and genuine friendship,

one which we both agree is very important and very precious.

But somehow,

it's starting to seem otherwise to me.

May this not be another futile attempt on my part.

I feel so silly, maybe i'm just expecting too much out of this.

Please prove me wrong.

Twist

I've always wanted to believe that certain things happen for a reason.

Just like the way i got into dentistry after i got into science.

If not for the fact that i went science, i wouldn't have met awesome friends, have a wider social circle and have a bunch of people i can depend on when i'm down.


If not for the fact that i got in later, i would not have treasured this opportunity as much, i would not have worked as hard, and i would not have been as humbled.

If i've never gotten in, i wouldn't have gone to project lokun, met all my fun and crazy med friends,


i wouldn't have gone for project sabai, wouldn't have experienced something which changed my life so much,

wouldn't have met people who'll actually make me look forward to school.

I wouldn't have met him, her, them and everyone else.

I wouldn't have felt emotions i've nv felt before.

Overwhelming emotions which takes over your body,

makes ur hand shiver and your body quiver,makes your heart ache and which tugs at your stomach.

Emotions which makes you jump in joy, hope with madness, crazy with laughter and those which tingles and lingers in your heart giving you excitment and nervousness.

Also, i wouldn't have experienced so much, gone through so much.

My perspective, mentality and mindset changed.

I've aged, i've grown wiser, i've become more tolerant of things i cannot change.

I've also become more assertive, ready to defend what i stand for and more ready to voice out my opinions.

I've learnt to appreciate people, appreciate life, appreciate sleep, appreciate my personal time and appreciate what ever i have now.

i've learnt to stop and think, stop and feel.

Stop and realise that the world goes round no matter what you do and that taking a deep breathe sometimes is just so comforting.

If i didn't choose NUS over NTU,

Things would have been so different.

The grass may have been greener on the other side,

but i prefer the brown ones here.

At least i know it's gonna be time for harvest soon.

Thank you for giving me this twist in life.

Brushing

There are certain lines i really shouldn't tread on.

But as much as i know i should stay clear,

it draws me closer.

It's my last leap...

I really should just focus on one thing at a time.

but then again....

Life is not about school.

It's about a lot of other things.

I should really look at things from another perspective.

About life, about what i want, about what i need and what i've been looking for.

The line is so fine.

I hope the time when i've really decided to give it a go,

I won't need to do it for a second time.

Certain things...

Once is enough.

Let history not repeat itself.

I'll work hard.

Weekends!

I'm so glad the weekends are here.

And friday ended with a bang.

At least i got to finally go home early.

I actually get to see the sun when i left the lab!

And that makes me so happy.

It made such a hell lot of a difference.

Do not cross the line

I'm not sure whether it's me or what. But i really find the actions of some people around me very offensive.

1. Having lunch with a friend from the opposite sex and getting all the stares. Worse of all, one classmate actually went to take photos( or claimed that he was just pretending to, so as to see whether i know he's spying or not). Why should i live under such scrutiny?
Don't i deserve even the most basic respect that all human beings deserve?
Yes. i'm single. so? Does it mean anything to eat alone with someone else?
Does it mean i don't deserve privacy?
Does it mean my friend don't deserve respect too?
Can't i have friends outside school?
Can't i just have a simple meal with a friend?

It's ok that you guys keep getting fun out of teasing me. But there's a limit to certain things and there are certain lines you shouldn't cross. Respect other people the same way they respect you.
Give others the privacy they deserve. Give others the space they need.
I'm sick and tired of school and i think everyone is. But that does not mean you all can derive joy out of teasing me and so on.
Say i'm asexual, fine. Ask me about my personal life, fine. I don't answer, you ask my why i'm so guarded.

Why are you even so interested in the first place? Why not mind your own business?
You don't like people to gossip about you, same here.

Give me the basic respect.
I demand it and i think i deserve it.

2.
I cannot believe how someone can continue to exploit me after what she did.
You can break your promise and make use of other people.
Selfish act for your own benefit, just because what you have is your buying power.
And give some reason which i don't find acceptable.
Then you pretend nothing has happened and continue to ask me for help.
Help yourself to my things and then inform me in a :" oh btw" manner.
Don't you even feel uncomfortable about what you've done?
But yea. You're struck off my list.
And i'm not apologetic.

3.
I know you're unwell. But i also need my own space.
You treat me so rudely in school and pretend as if nothing has happened at the end.
Don't use the 'problem' as your negotiating power and i'm tired of people using that to ask me to do something.
There's a reason why i don't have a clique. And i also need my own personal space and time.
I'm struggling too, in fact, more so than you.
I don't want to do things the way you want it, and i don't want people to demand me to do something for them because they have certain problems.
I've been helping other people without being asked.
Yet i don't think i've been helped much when i need it most.
I'm sick and tired of all these nonsense.
I'm not there for you to utilise.
Don't come to me only when you have problems and ditch me one side when you're done.


Basically, just 4 words.

Get. Me. Outta. Here.

Acceptance

Give me the courage to brave the storms.

Give me the strength to accept what i cannot change.

Give me the determination to make the changes i need to make.

Give me the humilty to accept all that comes.

Let me have the wisdom to embrace it all.

Feeling pain in my heart, I breath in.
Suffering from the pain in my heart, I breath out.

Feeling my heart breaking, I breathe in.
Feeling as if my heart will break in two, I breathe out.

Feeling the pain is too great to live with, I breathe in.
Feeling as if the pain is going to swallow me up, I breathe out.

Feeling frustration and anger, I breathe in.
Feeling frustration and anger boiling inside, I breathe out.

Wanting things to be different, I breathe in.
Wanting to change him/her, I breathe out.

Feeling I am not good enough, I breathe in.
Seeing nothing good about me, I breath out.

Feeling frustration, I breathe in.
Feeling fear, I breathe out.

Being afraid that nothing will ever change, I breather in.
Wanting love in my life, I breathe out.

Feeling fear that I will not have what I want, I breathe in.
Feeling fear and anxiety, I breathe out.

Noticing that I am ok, I breathe in.
Noticing that I am ok, I breathe out.

Let me learn to accept.

《眼淚是膠囊》

 

五歲時被外婆逮到亂翻櫥櫃
我偷糖不成卻發掘神祕滋味
第一次被處罰才懂那是淚水
眼淚鹹得從此 不敢再頂嘴

長智後仍有不少事有待學會
比如對該走的人別熱情說喂
復原靠的是鹽水而不是藥水
眼淚排在一起 是顆完整心扉

淚 不管是為誰 是我能獻給
所愛的人真心的行為
淚 在身體輪迴
雙眼更尖銳 才看懂宇宙缺陷美

有人叫我愛哭鬼愛用哭示威
卻不明白那都是感情的精髓
不在乎怎有慚愧心動和氣餒
眼淚不是盔甲 是回憶積累

哪天在天上若有重逢的機會
我會說外婆錯了 淚不止傷悲
而是既然擁抱生命就不後悔
眼淚是個膠囊 我療傷的必備


淚 不管是為誰 是我能獻給
所愛的人真心的行為
眼淚 在身體輪迴
雙眼更尖銳 才看懂宇宙缺陷美


淚 不管是為誰 是我能獻給
所愛的人真心的行為
眼淚 在身體輪迴
雙眼更尖銳 才看懂宇宙缺陷美

才看懂宇宙........

Are you there?

2 weeks of school has already created mayhem for me. I have no idea how i pulled through.


Tears were shed. Hearts broken by patients.

Loss of patience, endurance of scoldings.

Acceptance of failure.

What else, tell me, what else does life has in mind for me?


Prep me. I don't think there's much left of me anyway.

Endurance has a limit.

When hands tremble, when headaches becomes frequent,

when tears flow even more freely and my body shivers.
 Ice cream don't even produce miracles anymore.


I can't take it anymore.

Save me.

But...

Are you even there?

Demons

Just as i was hoping that angels will hold each other up and fly together.

I have people showing me their true colours.

It's scary how selfish people can get.

And it's scary how people step on each other at this critical point in time.

I feel so drained, strained and so utilised.

I shouldn't have been so naive. I only have myself to blame.

The greater good does not exist.

People are nice only when you don't encroach onto their lives.

Survival of the fittest is just so apt.

Darwin's finding, i find it everywhere.

In times like this,

you see the good and the bad in everyone.

It's so disappointing.

I don't even know whether i should be nice, so that i don't demote myself to their status,

Or should i just be the same as how i've been treated.

Break my heart for what breaks yours.
I have enough on my plate.

I really shouldn't care so much.

And do just what i deem fit.

But it's gonna make me so disgusted with myself.

Tell me what should i do.

Seriously,

I feel so used and misused.

I don't even know why i've been so nice.

I must have been blinded by my own beliefs, which in this case, is my own naivety.

I see demons and i see angels.

Angels

The disease which starts with the same letter.

We hear about it.

We were taught to look out for signs of it in our patients.

We learnt how to treat it.

But little do we know how to recognize it when it happens to us and the people around us.


It's so prevalent, we've learnt to deal with it, to live with it.

To conceal it beneathe a facade of smiles, self criticism and humor.

The tears and the weary smiles speaks a thousand words.

It's amazing how much changes can occur to one in 4 years.

From the fresh adventurer to the weary traveller.

The voice which silently creeps into out hearts.

The unheard screams.

The song we all sing.

Who understands?

We pull through, with the strength of people who're like us, people who really understand and goes through it with you.

Some make it, few don't.

Just please don't let history repeat itself again.

2 fallen angels in 2010 is too much to handle.

Heal the wounds, and 


Let the injured find their wings,

don't let them fall..

To the fallen angels, hopefully they are at a better place now. Their presence speaks a thousand words although they are no longer here.
 
For the wounded with the tired smiles,

Angels with broken wings need to hold each other up in order to fly.

Just hang in there.

):

Bad start to a hopefully good ending.

Dentistry for an undergraduate student does not involve only the student's hardwork.

It involves cooperation and also selflessness from the patients,

Compassion from the assessors,

Understanding from classmates,

And a lot of luck.

Sadly, many are not within our control.

Hai.

If patients are more cooperative and less... *ON.

I need a lot of luck to get through this term.

Help.

first day of school

Just packed my room.

Am totally amazed with the number of things that needs to be done.

WooHOOO!!

really need to buck up.

Like what a friend told me tonight

--> play damn hard, study hard. sleep little.

This term = play little, sleep little, STUDY SUPER SUPER SUPER HARD.

Give me moral support please.

GO GO GO GO GO GO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

May clinics go smoothly for me. Please please please.

First day of last term

Let me find back the drive.

Let me find back the motivation.

Let me find back my passion.

Let me find back my discipline.

Let me finish all that i need to do and read.

Let me remember all that i've read.

Let me retain all the information.

For my last term in school.

Let me get out of here.

Concentrate

Why do i find it so hard to concentrate?

And why do i have such a huge mountain of things to do?

Hai.

Shouldn't have slacked so much during the hols.

i really miss the sabai trip this year.

If only i can play with the kids more.

I'm definitely going in 2011.

2011

As the rumblings of the fireworks fade into the background,

and the cheers of my neighbours die down...

I welcome 2011 with a sigh.

2011, the year i've been looking forward to since 2007.

The year which shall mark my exit from school and entrance into life.

But why am i not filled with joy, instead with some feeling i don't even know how to describe.

My thoughts are none other than...

the same few things.

As 2011 comes,

anticipation is replaced by apprehension.

I know this year is going to be different.

For good or bad,

i do not know.

Just let me have the courage to face whatever comes my way.

And the perseverance and drive to do it all.

Let me find my passion for what i once hold dear.

And let me have the humilty and courage to deal with all the failures that shall come my way.

Happy 2011.

From: Myself