2013年8月27日 星期二
Oh this new days!
I fear that my command of language is drowning in solitude. With not as many occasions to be spent socializing, I don't speak that much and in consequence, find myself stuttering and lost for words once I engage in that energy expending activity again. These days of relative silence have been quite serene and in fact, joyful for me. I've spent time with myself strolling around the campus, going for walks, reading, exploring nooks and crannies of the grounds in my own company- and enjoyed every bit of it. Quite surprising, really, since I thought that I would die of silence. Instead I seem to be indulging in it.....a little too much.
So the tipping point is about to approach. I begin to notice how I'm often alone; I begin to lose my literary skills; I begin to feel lonely and hyped up every time I talk to someone; I begin to feel infinitely annoyed at all that high pitched American accents piping up around me.
Oh I need to talk to people before the monster of solitude consumes me!
I've met some amazing people here already, so I better keep in contact with them so I don't get lost in my own tiny world.
So the tipping point is about to approach. I begin to notice how I'm often alone; I begin to lose my literary skills; I begin to feel lonely and hyped up every time I talk to someone; I begin to feel infinitely annoyed at all that high pitched American accents piping up around me.
Oh I need to talk to people before the monster of solitude consumes me!
I've met some amazing people here already, so I better keep in contact with them so I don't get lost in my own tiny world.
2013年6月6日 星期四
Bliss
When did you feel most at peace, as if you were the king of the world and no spears could ever penetrate your skin? When you felt like there were no troubles in this world great enough to overcome you, when you felt invincible, and that anything was possible?
That moment of pure bliss when a compelling mix of adrenaline and serenity run its course through your every vein and a spontaneous smile breaks through those long down- turned lips of yours. The fatigued cells stretching their bodies, opening their eyes to a fresh stream of rejuvenating sunlight.
I rediscovered a lot of these moments lately.
That time when I sat on the Terengganu beach staring unto the dark turquoise sea underneath a blanket of stars.
That time when I lay my head on my mother's lap on a stool overlooking the vast blue sea.
That time when I sat in the car with surreal images passing me by in New Zealand.
That time when I walked back to class in the clear sunlight, birds chirping and cool breeze accompanying me.
That time when I walked home after the rain, the insects singing their victorious song, the air bursting with freshness and moisture.
That time when I walked through KL alone.
That time when I danced to jazz music at home.
Those times when I stared at beautiful cloud formations for ages and ages, unable to believe the sheer beauty of it.
Those times when I stared at the wonderful landscapes bathed in sunlight in amazement.
Those times when I walked through the hilly paths of FRIM alone, enjoying the trees, sunlight and air.
Those times when I star gazed with my brother.
That time when we stayed out all day trying to capture the eclipse of the sun.
That time when we sat on top of the mountain waiting for sun rise.
Those times when I walked through the entire length of every beach I went to, alone.
Those times when I drew for the entire day.
That time when we walked through Oslo in the snow, took the train to random places and continued to walk again, under the raining white snowflakes.
Every, every single moment in Bali and New Zealand.
That day, in Raleigh when we slept under a crude tent.
That day, in Raleigh when we went through so many tasks with perfect team work.
That day, in Raleigh when we trudged and climbed through rivers, mud, bushes.
That day, in Raleigh when we bathed in the freezing river.
That day, in Raleigh when I cried as I reached the peak.
That day, in Raleigh when my team mates cheered me on, held onto me, pulled me up, waited for me.
That day, in Raleigh when we walked back under the stars, on a desolate road, talking, chatting about anything under the sun, with one person holding my hand and the other with arms over my shoulders.
That day, in Raleigh when we cooked and ate simple, unfilling food.
That day, in Raleigh when we built a raft and practically swam in the lake.
That day, in Raleigh when we laid on the road and gazed at the stars.
That day, in Raleigh when the wonderful smell of the jungle filled my nostrils once I stepped off the bus.
I felt, feel and will feel, infinite, forevermore.
That moment of pure bliss when a compelling mix of adrenaline and serenity run its course through your every vein and a spontaneous smile breaks through those long down- turned lips of yours. The fatigued cells stretching their bodies, opening their eyes to a fresh stream of rejuvenating sunlight.
I rediscovered a lot of these moments lately.
That time when I sat on the Terengganu beach staring unto the dark turquoise sea underneath a blanket of stars.
That time when I lay my head on my mother's lap on a stool overlooking the vast blue sea.
That time when I sat in the car with surreal images passing me by in New Zealand.
That time when I walked back to class in the clear sunlight, birds chirping and cool breeze accompanying me.
That time when I walked home after the rain, the insects singing their victorious song, the air bursting with freshness and moisture.
That time when I walked through KL alone.
That time when I danced to jazz music at home.
Those times when I stared at beautiful cloud formations for ages and ages, unable to believe the sheer beauty of it.
Those times when I stared at the wonderful landscapes bathed in sunlight in amazement.
Those times when I walked through the hilly paths of FRIM alone, enjoying the trees, sunlight and air.
Those times when I star gazed with my brother.
That time when we stayed out all day trying to capture the eclipse of the sun.
That time when we sat on top of the mountain waiting for sun rise.
Those times when I walked through the entire length of every beach I went to, alone.
Those times when I drew for the entire day.
That time when we walked through Oslo in the snow, took the train to random places and continued to walk again, under the raining white snowflakes.
Every, every single moment in Bali and New Zealand.
That day, in Raleigh when we slept under a crude tent.
That day, in Raleigh when we went through so many tasks with perfect team work.
That day, in Raleigh when we trudged and climbed through rivers, mud, bushes.
That day, in Raleigh when we bathed in the freezing river.
That day, in Raleigh when I cried as I reached the peak.
That day, in Raleigh when my team mates cheered me on, held onto me, pulled me up, waited for me.
That day, in Raleigh when we walked back under the stars, on a desolate road, talking, chatting about anything under the sun, with one person holding my hand and the other with arms over my shoulders.
That day, in Raleigh when we cooked and ate simple, unfilling food.
That day, in Raleigh when we built a raft and practically swam in the lake.
That day, in Raleigh when we laid on the road and gazed at the stars.
That day, in Raleigh when the wonderful smell of the jungle filled my nostrils once I stepped off the bus.
I felt, feel and will feel, infinite, forevermore.
What took you away from me?
Ecstasy!
Ecstasy leaped out from my every cell as the rain embraced my body.
Ah, the warm, lush, fresh smell of wet grass!
Swarm my senses and wipe away all traces of frustration!
" Thank you",
I grin in satisfaction and gratitude as I bid nature goodbye.
The thunder rumbled ahead and I returned to my shelter.
What took you away from me?
Stars, trees, hills, mountains, skies, clouds, rivers, rain, sand, rocks, mud, fish, air, freedom, solitude, authenticity.
Fear, distraction and illuminated boxes I suppose. A trip back to the roots of the world awakened the giant long asleep inside, making me tired by the superficiality of the world.
Sorry for the long detour! I hope this time I'll keep you in sight as I go trudge through life's winding paths.
Ecstasy leaped out from my every cell as the rain embraced my body.
Ah, the warm, lush, fresh smell of wet grass!
Swarm my senses and wipe away all traces of frustration!
" Thank you",
I grin in satisfaction and gratitude as I bid nature goodbye.
The thunder rumbled ahead and I returned to my shelter.
What took you away from me?
Stars, trees, hills, mountains, skies, clouds, rivers, rain, sand, rocks, mud, fish, air, freedom, solitude, authenticity.
Fear, distraction and illuminated boxes I suppose. A trip back to the roots of the world awakened the giant long asleep inside, making me tired by the superficiality of the world.
Sorry for the long detour! I hope this time I'll keep you in sight as I go trudge through life's winding paths.
2013年5月22日 星期三
Something nice
A nice line I read from the newspaper today:
" I'm still intrigued why people never say, " Oh, I wish I was much cleverer. I wish I was more intelligent." They always say, " I wish I had longer legs, I wish I was thinner." It's such a pity that everyone doesn't like how they look more because just imagine the happiness it would give them."
That came from a top- notch fashion magazine editor.
" I'm still intrigued why people never say, " Oh, I wish I was much cleverer. I wish I was more intelligent." They always say, " I wish I had longer legs, I wish I was thinner." It's such a pity that everyone doesn't like how they look more because just imagine the happiness it would give them."
That came from a top- notch fashion magazine editor.
2013年5月14日 星期二
2013年5月13日 星期一
A majestic disappointment
I only watched this movie for two reasons. One, because it was Leo Tolstoy’s work hence the plot’s quality would already be guaranteed. Second, because Keira Knightly’s performance has never failed me, so I wouldn't mind watching another of her works.
I had no prior idea whatsoever about the story, but since its setting was at Russia, what with the seemingly perpetual snow and chill it made me think of it as possessing a depressing tone.
Yet the first few scenes proved me wrong. I was stunned by the quirky music, the exaggerated expressions of the characters and the dazzling change of scenes.
It had humor seeping through the screen, it had extravagance written all over the set. It was, in short, like a musical, an elaborately set up stage musical!
Eh? I didn't know Anna Karenina was a musical. Or did it being set as a stage production imply any underlying message? It was then that I Googled up this 2012 movie. Ah, so our dear Leo didn't write it as a musical- in fact, he hated musicals. This method of presenting the story on film was entirely of the director’s creation, who is, surprise surprise, Joe Wright! The same Joe Wright who made the incredibly successful Atonement and Pride and Prejudice!
That was shocking, since from the beginning of the film I felt that the vibe of the film seemed eerily familiar to that of Moulin Rouge. Yes, all its grand and luxurious presentations paired with over- the- top performances that seem to signal a sense of tragedy was a trademark of Baz Luhrmann, who loved big productions like this. Joe’s films on the other hand, always convey a sense of serenity to me, as if he were telling a touching and endearing story through nostalgic and misty lenses that makes you feel like lying back on the swaying green grass and listen to his wonderful tale. Anna Karenina was definitely not that! I got freaked out by the grand costumes, choreographed movements, exaggerated expressions and dizzy change of scenes.
It wasn't my cup of tea, at least not for a Joe Wright film.
Halfway through the film I felt bored. I felt that a writer like Leo would have infused deeper meanings into his writings, despite it being a novel but this film didn't seem to embody that. Either it was that I got too distracted by the actions on screen to notice, or that the director was too focused on looking for a unique way of presenting an age- old tale to pay attention to the underlying meaning. The story, if told plainly will seem like a typical melodramatic novella: women cheats on husband, gives birth to bastard child, husband still loves her but cannot find forgiveness hence asks for a divorce but when the wife seeks for him, still returns to her. Yet the women feels no remorse and continues with an erotic passion for the other man, gets ostracized by the society, becomes paranoid and finally commits suicide. On the other hand, a wealthy but down to earth landowner who stays in the countryside seeks for a young socialite’s hand in marriage but gets refused due to her desire to be rich, popular and elegant like those ladies. But after suffering a heartbreak, she accepts his hand and they both live happily ever after in the countryside.
Not to say that the director didn't do the story justice, of course. He did express the messages in the story well, but it was probably obscured by the grandiosity of the display, at least for me. It was a tale of love. In the beginning of the movie, the script was littered with talks about love and marriage. Marry for love? Forgiveness because of love? Should the wife forgive the philandering husband? The down to earth man who was rejected was seen as an idealist for his notions of pure love; the cheating women asked her sister- in- law to forgive her brother for his affairs for the reason of love- the love should be enough to generate forgiveness; the women’s steely husband wasn't exactly an affectionate person, but he loved her and would even consider forgiving her; the man she cheated with loved her dearly, and saw that it was alright to love a married woman, subsequently seducing her out of her righteousness. To the cheating woman, because of love, one can forgive, so she even expected her husband to forgive her. Love wasn’t something that you can control, according to her. It just is. To that down to earth man, the love that the woman had wasn’t pure love. Pure love wasn’t something you can get with reason, and it means to stay loyal to ones partner.
Another interesting insight that I derived was once again, the drudgery lives of the upper- class society. The elites, the socialites, the aristocrats. They were constantly subjected to the critical eyes of their peers, they had nothing better to do then to attend performances in the opera hall where they will serve to stare and be stared at others ( hence Joe’s initiative to set the story there). It is in the hall that one’s social status is obvious, and this served to push the woman to her breaking point as she had to endure glares and insults from the ladies there. That era was also one that gave women a lower status then men- women who cheat will not enjoy a social life anymore and are treated with more hostility then the men who cheat. This element of the society then led to the women becoming severely paranoid as she imagined the man flirting with other girls out there.
The woman who cheated is the protagonist- Anna, acted to perfection by Keira Knightly. Her husband is Alexei, embodied wonderfully as well by Jude Law ( looking old here!) whereas her dashing lover, also named Alexei ( hmm, what’s the reason I wonder) was presented by a relatively unknown actor- Aaron Taylor Johnson. The second Alexei’s performance was a little off the mark for me- his gaze doesn’t seem firm enough for me. I felt that he should carry the persona of a swashbuckling, handsome, dashing, confident and charismatic lover who sweeps Anna off her feet, hence his gaze should convey deep, passionate and erotic love instead of well, one that can be likened to an adorable puppie’s watery eyes. The down to earth wealthy man is called Konstantin, whereas his object of affection Kitty. Stiva is Anna’s brother, the philandering man, whereas his wife is the suffering Dolly who doesn’t excommunicate Anna after her affairs.
I would say that this movie was a disappointment to me, but only because I had overly high expectations. Otherwise, it would serve as quite and entertaining and beautiful ride that triumphs because of its originality and execution. It stands out in terms of the actors’ performance, method of presenting the story, the wonderful music by the ever talented Dario Marianelli and the aesthetic value.
Watch for those qualities but if you are looking for movies with deeper meanings, I think this would not be the best fit. Of course, this are just my personal opinions and I still feel that whatever I wrote is a mere shallow representation of the entire film. Maybe I need more time to munch and reflect upon it, and its true value might appear to me later on, like how it did with The Tree of Life. I hope it will.
2013年5月1日 星期三
Fear
Someone once told me that I was lucky, for having such a clear direction in life and for being courageous enough to pursue a non conventional dream.
Really?
I'm NOT sure at all about my future, I don't even know if it's going to work out, and more importantly, I don't think I have the talent to pull it off. No. The obstinate me just had to choose a path that she is not the best at. Interest triumphs talents for that obstinate girl, apparently. I see so many better qualified people then me out there, and I can see myself lost and stumped in their presence. Negative messages will begin to holler in my mind " I don't freaking know why am I here", " I suck", " let's give up".
But that obstinate self doesn't want to give up without trying. So I'll try, try to curb the negative monster, try to obtain self control and CURB that lethargic procrastinator in me. I'm terrified at the possibility that in the future I will regret this decision, terrified that I will be a failure, looked down and pitied at. AAAHHH.
That's no way to make decisions anyway. I shall not let that be a reality. Not saying that it won't, but I'll try not to let that happen.
Confidence, confidence.
Initiative, initiative.
Just freaking stop being lazy and start doing stuff!
Really?
I'm NOT sure at all about my future, I don't even know if it's going to work out, and more importantly, I don't think I have the talent to pull it off. No. The obstinate me just had to choose a path that she is not the best at. Interest triumphs talents for that obstinate girl, apparently. I see so many better qualified people then me out there, and I can see myself lost and stumped in their presence. Negative messages will begin to holler in my mind " I don't freaking know why am I here", " I suck", " let's give up".
But that obstinate self doesn't want to give up without trying. So I'll try, try to curb the negative monster, try to obtain self control and CURB that lethargic procrastinator in me. I'm terrified at the possibility that in the future I will regret this decision, terrified that I will be a failure, looked down and pitied at. AAAHHH.
That's no way to make decisions anyway. I shall not let that be a reality. Not saying that it won't, but I'll try not to let that happen.
Confidence, confidence.
Initiative, initiative.
Just freaking stop being lazy and start doing stuff!
Daily routines
The weather is not exceptionally good today. Down cast, angry plumes of clouds, humid. But for some reason the birds are actively chirping today. Singing in their incomprehensible tones, hopping from bushes to gates, gates to trees, trees to the road.
As I listen to artificially constructed music by overcommercialized figures playing from my human constructed, technologically advanced gadget, the birds chirp for my attention out there, beyond layers of metal gates surrounding my four walls of bricks. Their music sounds so inviting and refreshing, and I almost take a step towards unlocking the door but my artifically constructed music is approaching its catchy climax! I have to listen to that. What's more, it's 3pm and I have tons of studying to do. Tons. Look at all the pages I have left.
So I continue to be buried in books listening to well, music. While the birds are happily chirping away outside unhurt by my decision to not participate. One day, I tell myself. One day I will immerse myself in nature again, stop in my tracks, enjoy absolute peace and give nature my full attention. Deja vu! I think I've made this resolution so many times in the past but always when such a perfect opportunity rises up I have to study for exams or I'm in a hurry to somewhere.
I need a break, a break to do all the things I love, a break to pursue skills that I wish to obtain, a break to explore the world, clarify my direction and aims in life. Because frankly, everything is casted with a shade of doubt now and I don't know where I"m heading to.
Do I have enough discipline to give myself a break?
As I listen to artificially constructed music by overcommercialized figures playing from my human constructed, technologically advanced gadget, the birds chirp for my attention out there, beyond layers of metal gates surrounding my four walls of bricks. Their music sounds so inviting and refreshing, and I almost take a step towards unlocking the door but my artifically constructed music is approaching its catchy climax! I have to listen to that. What's more, it's 3pm and I have tons of studying to do. Tons. Look at all the pages I have left.
So I continue to be buried in books listening to well, music. While the birds are happily chirping away outside unhurt by my decision to not participate. One day, I tell myself. One day I will immerse myself in nature again, stop in my tracks, enjoy absolute peace and give nature my full attention. Deja vu! I think I've made this resolution so many times in the past but always when such a perfect opportunity rises up I have to study for exams or I'm in a hurry to somewhere.
I need a break, a break to do all the things I love, a break to pursue skills that I wish to obtain, a break to explore the world, clarify my direction and aims in life. Because frankly, everything is casted with a shade of doubt now and I don't know where I"m heading to.
Do I have enough discipline to give myself a break?
2013年3月24日 星期日
On making decisions
I always make it a point to carefully consider every aspect before making a decision. Alas, after long thought, normally the decisions made are still made on shaky grounds.
I HAVE NO IDEA IF IT IS THE RIGHT DECISION.
Let's say after a week or so when I"m showering, the decision will emerge in my mind as I once again ponder over it. Regret will begin to seep in as I wonder if I've made the right choice.
That piece of uncertainty has led me to hate making decisions, or to procrastinating at any potential situations that might require me to do so.
But some things can't be avoided wholly. So I just make a decision. Snap judgement when things go heavy. Trust my instincts. My experience. Let the issue work out itself.
Luckily I don't have much stake in anything big. Any error of mine will not cause a country to collapse or anything, but I do realize that our decisions are very much vulnerable to our personal beliefs. Which leads me to wonder...
What happens when you make a decision so wrong that it costs thousands of lives?
What happens when you realize that the perceptions that you hold on so strongly to fails to be true?
1) In the case of China...
Let's say you are Mao. You truly believe in your ideology, that the 4 pests must be eradicated, that sparrows are detrimental to the environment, that intellectuals will hinder development, that no one can be trusted, that it IS the only way to revive your country from it's deep pits of shame and embarrassment. So you make those decisions, despite it being downright gory and cruel. At first it seemed to work but then all came crashing down. I wonder did he ever have doubts when he was executing this grand plan of his, like halfway through, suddenly realizing how inhumane and authoritarian the regime is, that this great decisions of his may lead to failure. Did he doubt? I think I'm getting off track here. Hmm. But point is, was there any sudden moment when he realizes all the flaws of his plans and felt like reversing his decisions? If he were to discover and accept that, is there any catharsis for him? Will he be forgiven?
How about for the generation that believed so strongly in his ideals, and later saw it break into pieces. Wouldn't they be then filled with deep regret? Or felt that they were cheated?
What is it like to realize that all the ideologies that you hold are untrue, and you see it crashing right before your eyes?
2) Movies!
Well I remember watching The Core, and Hilary Swank's character just made a decision that cost one person's life. She was mentally tortured, of course, but when Aaron Eckhart came storming at her, all she could do was to defend her decision. That decision that she made might be right or wrong, who knows. If she saved that person, the entire ship might be placed in peril. Who knows? Earlier in the movie her captain told her that to be a leader is to have experienced failure. Well I don't remember much about the conversations anymore, but I do remember them mentioning something about making decisions. Just MAKE a decision, that is the point.
All these ramblings. I don't even know if their factually accurate, just random musings from my mind.
Ah well. decisions!
I HAVE NO IDEA IF IT IS THE RIGHT DECISION.
Let's say after a week or so when I"m showering, the decision will emerge in my mind as I once again ponder over it. Regret will begin to seep in as I wonder if I've made the right choice.
That piece of uncertainty has led me to hate making decisions, or to procrastinating at any potential situations that might require me to do so.
But some things can't be avoided wholly. So I just make a decision. Snap judgement when things go heavy. Trust my instincts. My experience. Let the issue work out itself.
Luckily I don't have much stake in anything big. Any error of mine will not cause a country to collapse or anything, but I do realize that our decisions are very much vulnerable to our personal beliefs. Which leads me to wonder...
What happens when you make a decision so wrong that it costs thousands of lives?
What happens when you realize that the perceptions that you hold on so strongly to fails to be true?
1) In the case of China...
Let's say you are Mao. You truly believe in your ideology, that the 4 pests must be eradicated, that sparrows are detrimental to the environment, that intellectuals will hinder development, that no one can be trusted, that it IS the only way to revive your country from it's deep pits of shame and embarrassment. So you make those decisions, despite it being downright gory and cruel. At first it seemed to work but then all came crashing down. I wonder did he ever have doubts when he was executing this grand plan of his, like halfway through, suddenly realizing how inhumane and authoritarian the regime is, that this great decisions of his may lead to failure. Did he doubt? I think I'm getting off track here. Hmm. But point is, was there any sudden moment when he realizes all the flaws of his plans and felt like reversing his decisions? If he were to discover and accept that, is there any catharsis for him? Will he be forgiven?
How about for the generation that believed so strongly in his ideals, and later saw it break into pieces. Wouldn't they be then filled with deep regret? Or felt that they were cheated?
What is it like to realize that all the ideologies that you hold are untrue, and you see it crashing right before your eyes?
2) Movies!
Well I remember watching The Core, and Hilary Swank's character just made a decision that cost one person's life. She was mentally tortured, of course, but when Aaron Eckhart came storming at her, all she could do was to defend her decision. That decision that she made might be right or wrong, who knows. If she saved that person, the entire ship might be placed in peril. Who knows? Earlier in the movie her captain told her that to be a leader is to have experienced failure. Well I don't remember much about the conversations anymore, but I do remember them mentioning something about making decisions. Just MAKE a decision, that is the point.
All these ramblings. I don't even know if their factually accurate, just random musings from my mind.
Ah well. decisions!
2013年3月15日 星期五
2013年2月11日 星期一
My Shang-ri-la.
I suppose right now I'm exploring all possible choices. There are two ways to go- enlightenment for the "self", which focuses more on uncovering knowledge to satisfy your own desires. They would be the people you see who are lost in their own world, spending their time researching on topics of their interest, digging deep down, specializing in their respective fields. The other road to go would be one with the aim of serving the world, whereby all knowledge and experience gained are tools to be utilized in the efforts of a cause. These type of people are the activists, those that you see sitting on someone's shoulders, holding a banner, shouting passionately to promote awareness, incite action. They work tirelessly for others.
I don't know which way to go. I don't know which suits me best, but I'll try both for now. Yes, it may be to my disadvantage that I am on the road of discovery a tad bit ( no, a whole lot) slower than others, but better taken than never, right? The first option may seem selfish and self centered to most, but I find that passion is something that you can't force someone to have. If you have it, then you have it, if not, that piece of responsibility won't carry you that far. If it doesn't gratify your innate desires, then why force yourself? Nothing good will culminate from it. Your efforts at researching may produce juicier outputs compared to that lukewarm effort put in.
So I'll look for it.
In the meantime, I'm back from my three day Shang- ri- La break. These are the days I duck from the world in seclusion, focusing all my attention on the immediate people around me and my favourite things to do. Of course, Facebook has got it's hold on me- I still surfed the news feed. Sometimes I despise the invention of social media or the internet. I remember reading about all those ancient poets of ancient China, who chose to live in seclusion in tiny villages, immersing themselves in nature together with the innocent villagers, away from the dust of the earth. I think I would appreciate that, really. But once you've been exposed to the upper world, it's hard to regress back to that original state. I don't think I can live without my cell, my television, my internet, my gadgets for a long period of time.
I am a thoroughly modernized piece of complex organism.
I don't know which way to go. I don't know which suits me best, but I'll try both for now. Yes, it may be to my disadvantage that I am on the road of discovery a tad bit ( no, a whole lot) slower than others, but better taken than never, right? The first option may seem selfish and self centered to most, but I find that passion is something that you can't force someone to have. If you have it, then you have it, if not, that piece of responsibility won't carry you that far. If it doesn't gratify your innate desires, then why force yourself? Nothing good will culminate from it. Your efforts at researching may produce juicier outputs compared to that lukewarm effort put in.
So I'll look for it.
In the meantime, I'm back from my three day Shang- ri- La break. These are the days I duck from the world in seclusion, focusing all my attention on the immediate people around me and my favourite things to do. Of course, Facebook has got it's hold on me- I still surfed the news feed. Sometimes I despise the invention of social media or the internet. I remember reading about all those ancient poets of ancient China, who chose to live in seclusion in tiny villages, immersing themselves in nature together with the innocent villagers, away from the dust of the earth. I think I would appreciate that, really. But once you've been exposed to the upper world, it's hard to regress back to that original state. I don't think I can live without my cell, my television, my internet, my gadgets for a long period of time.
I am a thoroughly modernized piece of complex organism.
2013年2月8日 星期五
The market
Despite being a true city kid, I'm still fascinated by wet markets around town. If I were to describe them with a single word, it'd be " chaotic".
Everything is everywhere there, literally. The paths are narrow, and people shove past each other without so much a glance or apology. They step on your slippers, they push past you with a sticky, wet plastic bag, you get dirt all over your leg from all those splatters of puddles on the uneven floor. Drips of chicken blood are found on your clothes or arms from the chopping board, where the corpse of a chicken is viciously split into unrecognizable parts. The language uttered by the shopkeeper may also be another source of anxiety, since I would have no idea if they were speaking in a Cantonese dialect, or a Hokkien one. Worse off, I'm illiterate in Chinese dialects. Answering in Chinese would seem weird, but not even comprehending their questions is the problem. " Sap Man"? Thanks to my superb inferring skills ( well, not really), I understood that as RM 10.
The market is characterized by a lack of structure, rules, and a sense of ambivalence.
There is no fixed price, hence it becomes the place for people like my grandmother to exhibit their superb bargaining skills. There is no clean queue either, if you want attention you've got to speak up. As mentioned before, the market is a place where you get shoved and pushed a whole lot so to "survive", you've got to be firm on your feet. Oftentimes there are also food hawkers in the market, which contributes to the whole chaotic scene by adding their flavors of shouting and smoke. It is a mess and you've got to make your order swift and direct. But once again, be prepared for them to answer you in some dialect. I. Have. Problem. Understanding. Them. Not to mention I feel like a dork by speaking to them in Chinese.
Some day, I suppose these wet markets will be a thing of the past. It would be a pity, really, since I find these markets the symbol of our unique culture, embodying all the typical characteristics of our traditions. I'm not going to go into that, since it's chinese new year and there are better things to do then to blog. Anyway, I hope that we will appreciate the wet market and what it means, what it has meant to our culture as a whole since the past.
P.S. Markets make me want to learn dialects. Markets make me indulge in ambiguity. Awyeah, no need to dress, no need to be clean, no need to be nice, no unofficial rules to abide to unlike as in an emporium.
P.P.S. Quite a good place to learn about biology as well, since... you can see strong aunties chopping off chicken heads and pulling unidentifiable yellow goo from the chicken equivalent of anus.
Everything is everywhere there, literally. The paths are narrow, and people shove past each other without so much a glance or apology. They step on your slippers, they push past you with a sticky, wet plastic bag, you get dirt all over your leg from all those splatters of puddles on the uneven floor. Drips of chicken blood are found on your clothes or arms from the chopping board, where the corpse of a chicken is viciously split into unrecognizable parts. The language uttered by the shopkeeper may also be another source of anxiety, since I would have no idea if they were speaking in a Cantonese dialect, or a Hokkien one. Worse off, I'm illiterate in Chinese dialects. Answering in Chinese would seem weird, but not even comprehending their questions is the problem. " Sap Man"? Thanks to my superb inferring skills ( well, not really), I understood that as RM 10.
The market is characterized by a lack of structure, rules, and a sense of ambivalence.
There is no fixed price, hence it becomes the place for people like my grandmother to exhibit their superb bargaining skills. There is no clean queue either, if you want attention you've got to speak up. As mentioned before, the market is a place where you get shoved and pushed a whole lot so to "survive", you've got to be firm on your feet. Oftentimes there are also food hawkers in the market, which contributes to the whole chaotic scene by adding their flavors of shouting and smoke. It is a mess and you've got to make your order swift and direct. But once again, be prepared for them to answer you in some dialect. I. Have. Problem. Understanding. Them. Not to mention I feel like a dork by speaking to them in Chinese.
Some day, I suppose these wet markets will be a thing of the past. It would be a pity, really, since I find these markets the symbol of our unique culture, embodying all the typical characteristics of our traditions. I'm not going to go into that, since it's chinese new year and there are better things to do then to blog. Anyway, I hope that we will appreciate the wet market and what it means, what it has meant to our culture as a whole since the past.
P.S. Markets make me want to learn dialects. Markets make me indulge in ambiguity. Awyeah, no need to dress, no need to be clean, no need to be nice, no unofficial rules to abide to unlike as in an emporium.
P.P.S. Quite a good place to learn about biology as well, since... you can see strong aunties chopping off chicken heads and pulling unidentifiable yellow goo from the chicken equivalent of anus.
2013年2月3日 星期日
The little things
" If you just pay attention to all the tiny details surrounding your life, you'd understand the yourself much better. "
Lately I've been hit with sudden seeds of thought at the most random of circumstances. Of course, these thoughts are rather personal, they're more of tiny discoveries about myself that I thought I knew. Remember the psychological concept of " insight"? That's what's been happening lately. It's as if everything I heard from others, recent talks or reverie has met with their supporting proof with all these sudden insights. Some of them are quite insignificant, really, but still interesting to entertain.
The one that made me laugh was a point I discovered after listening to a preacher in CF. He mentioned about " not knowing what's around the bend", " if you don't let go of what you think are jewels, you will never be able to obtain the real ones", " there are many possibilities ahead, but you have to learn to let go of the current obsessions". Well, I was shopping for belts at FOS, looking at the RM7 cheapskate belts with their qualities compromised. They didn't look favorable to me, but it was still acceptable. Where else can I get such a cheap deal? When can I get it? My old belt is being torn apart, hence I needed a belt as soon as possible. The decision was to finally purchase the FOS belt. But right after that when I was scouring the Jusco ladies section waiting for my mom, I noted a whole row of cheap, pretty belts with much better qualities. I stopped dead on my tracks and laughed. I can't believe that the message from the sermon was materializing right in my life in the most ridiculous of circumstances! If only I had bothered to allow possibilities in the future and let go of the cheapskate poor quality belt at FOS, I would've found a better deal. I'm still laughing about this now. Still. And I really want those belts. Aww.
Another even hilarious scenario was when I was queuing up for the fitting room. There was two rooms, one occupied with a person waiting already and the other, supposedly occupied with the door shut. I noticed that the color of the little lock was blue, which meant it was vacant but I've learnt to never trust Malaysian machinery. The door was locked anyway, and the person queuing at the next cubicle didn't say anything. So I just waited. Waited. The line got longer behind me. Then a salesgirl came up and stared at me.
" Uh, there's no one inside la. "
I pushed the door. Woops. I gave an awkward laugh, the sales girl gave an amusing laugh, and the people gave a pitiful smile. I laughed again, inside the cubicle. Gosh! This just goes to show how passive a person I am. Had I taken the initiative to knock at the door or give it a slight push, I would have saved myself plenty of embarrassment! But no, I chose to stand there like a dork. Once again, if projected in life, it means that we have to be assertive, because unless we take action we'll never know what opportunities we have.
The last one that I remember was well, alright, rather personal. All I can say is that incident made me realize what sort of person I was. Someone who is desperate to fit into the picture, no matter what blows I have to take. I would just go on, enduring all those for friendship and a desperation to match the crowd. Not a good principle to hold. It's something that I've been trying to shrug off for years, and something that I thought I've succeeded in eliminating but this observation just made it clear that well, this desperation is still deeply ingrained in my subconscious mind. When can I be free of peer pressure? Some times I think that is the biggest shadow in my life.
I'maselfcentered*
Time
Sometimes I find it frustrating that we know the locus of control is in our hands but somehow at the end of the day, feel as if everything that happened was not of my own doing at all, but rather, a gradual development of circumstances beyond my control. All this constant sprinting after the fingers of the clock is rather consuming, because I allow time to control my life, every aspect of it. I've always thought about the possibility of distorting time to my own pace, creating a pseudo reality only seen in movies whereby all actions are in slow motion and it takes an hour for an eyebrow to twitch. If I could do that, then there'd be plenty of time to immerse in reverie, plunge into my passions and take a rest.
It's impossible.
But then again, not so. Who was the person that defined what " time" was? No one ever proved that the concept of time is real anyway. I think that time is something personal, really. Something that is at our mercy, and we can control the pace of time, how fast it runs and what it signifies. It's all our decisions. The hour and second pointers are just oars of the boat- we are the batteries that provide the essential energy to move it.
Our decisions define time. Of course, it's easier to place the blame on time, to view it as an external, uncontrollable factor that dictates our lives. No worries though, about that view of time, since humans generally are at the mercy of the universally defined time- it can delude us from many truths, such as the reality that the joystick to life is in our hands. The conventional time prompts us to forget that, but instead see time as the person in charge. I myself often fall into the trap, but feel horribly guilty whenever I use " no time" as an excuse. Just like what our moms always remind us, " no time" is just an excuse. A very easy an tempting excuse to use.
"With great power comes great responsibility."
Since the huge burden of deciding our lives and structuring time is left to us, sometimes I suppose we just duck from that responsibility and allow things to go on as it is, giving an opportunity for the golden excuse of "no time" to dominate. Nothing wrong there of course, since superman has to rest too. We are not perfect beings, we can't go on forever.
But I'll try to master the skills of distorting time to my preferences. If it's even possible.
It's impossible.
But then again, not so. Who was the person that defined what " time" was? No one ever proved that the concept of time is real anyway. I think that time is something personal, really. Something that is at our mercy, and we can control the pace of time, how fast it runs and what it signifies. It's all our decisions. The hour and second pointers are just oars of the boat- we are the batteries that provide the essential energy to move it.
Our decisions define time. Of course, it's easier to place the blame on time, to view it as an external, uncontrollable factor that dictates our lives. No worries though, about that view of time, since humans generally are at the mercy of the universally defined time- it can delude us from many truths, such as the reality that the joystick to life is in our hands. The conventional time prompts us to forget that, but instead see time as the person in charge. I myself often fall into the trap, but feel horribly guilty whenever I use " no time" as an excuse. Just like what our moms always remind us, " no time" is just an excuse. A very easy an tempting excuse to use.
"With great power comes great responsibility."
Since the huge burden of deciding our lives and structuring time is left to us, sometimes I suppose we just duck from that responsibility and allow things to go on as it is, giving an opportunity for the golden excuse of "no time" to dominate. Nothing wrong there of course, since superman has to rest too. We are not perfect beings, we can't go on forever.
But I'll try to master the skills of distorting time to my preferences. If it's even possible.
2013年1月27日 星期日
Humans as an idea
" You see us as you want to see us."
Lately I've been watching a few coming-of-age dramas, the first being the quirky Submarine, the touching Perks of being a wallflower and finally, the uplifting The Breakfast Club. I'll write about a brief comparison between the three later, and shall devote this post to the final film- The breakfast club.
The first few scenes were boring. Yes, I was sitting with my hand supporting my head hoping that this is not another typical Disney- style, motivational, educational teenage movie. Of course, when some swear words came flying out of the students' mouth I knew it was far more then that ( otherwise some parents would be fainting, and the adorable talking two- legged rats will be sued). I was also tremendously relieved when the teacher turned out to be a villain, a typical "chinese" style teacher who uses power to oppress the kids. Also the fact that the kids didn't get along with each other at all was great. But I think they may have exaggerated Bender's character too much, making him provoke every character in the film with his unreasonable verbal attacks. It seemed as if without him, none of this breakfast club thing would have happened ( it's true, actually), but it just went on too long. Even though we could sense his troubled life as the reasons behind his character, all those provoking at the start of the movie made me yawn.
Nevertheless, as the movie progresses he tones down and things become interesting. The common mentality was the kids against the adults, therefore as much as they despise Bender, they still will cover for him in front of the tyrannical teacher. The kids- five of them are all from different cliques. A nerd, a jock, a princess, a goth, and a rule- breaker. They didn't get along at all, but after a sniff of marijuana they began to open up to each other, sharing their troubles and fears. The drug did them good, because by the end of the movie they've broken through their chains and allowed their respective lives to overlap.
I like how before the drug induced sharing session, you can somehow sense an imminent connection between these kids. They're just afraid and unable to reveal their weaknesses. All they needed was some drug to lose their inhibitions. Once again, that seems pretty troubled in itself, isn't it? That people, young people like this require drugs as an aid to open up. Are we all so defensive and reserved at this age? Maybe that is also the reason behind alcohol addiction. We no longer have the courage to be truthful and vulnerable without an excuse- being drunk or high.
Another thing about the movie is the fact that their problems remained unsolved at the end of the movie ( I know, I am a sucker for unresolved issues). They did learn to face their troubles and step out of their cliques, but their family lives still remain the same. The fact that the first scene was of them descending their parents' cars to various comments that reveal their pressures, and the final scene being of them kissing each other and boarding their parents' cars again seem to present the idea that well, others' opinions or judgments may not have changed even though yours have, but that doesn't matter. As the first quote I posted here says, the adults and others see them as they want to see them, stereotyping them into various roles but we should not let them define us. We are who we are, we decide who we want to be and we are who we think we are. That is what that matters. Waste no energy trying to convince others of what or who we are, as long as we are sure of that ourselves, it will eventually show. Their essay to the teacher about " who am I" shows that perfectly:
Dear Mr. Vernon, we accept the fact
that we had to sacrifice a whole
Saturday in detention for whatever
it was we did wrong. But we think
you're crazy to make an essay
telling you who we think we are.
You see us as you want to see us...
In the simplest terms, in the most
convenient definitions.
But what we found out is that each
one of us is a brain...
ANDREW (VO)
...and an athlete...
ALLISON (VO)
...and a basket case...
CLAIRE (VO)
...a princess...
BENDER (VO)
...and a criminal...
BRIAN (VO)
Does that answer your question?
Sincerely yours, the Breakfast
Club.
Great message, indeed. It is quite an inspiring movie although it does get draggy at the beginning, but endure that and you'll get a wonderful watch at the end. They have some 80s dance sequences that are entertaining and make you feel like jumping on your feet to imitate those weird movements as well. Gosh, they address my inner need to sing or dance when I'm happy.
The movie starts with this awesome quote-
"...and these children that you
spit on, as they try to change their worlds are immune to
your consultations. They're quite aware of what they're
going through... - David Bowie"
Credits to the wonderful Howard Hughes for managing to capture the sentiments of teenagers perfectly through his lens!
Inner urgings
I'm looking for more. It feels so restless to be stuck here, with no changes whatsoever living a life with rigid schedules. I must be crazy, I always tell myself that, to be pursuing my interests instead of my strength, to engage in activities that I don't particularly favor, to spend my time in ways deemed wasteful, to not be out there at the field collecting experiences that can elevate me into another status. I'm looking for that catapult. Everything is so meaningless to me now, but as I've been passive for so many years, that piece of negative attitude is still threatening to dissipate my new found motivations. There must be more to life then this. There must be more that I can do other then this. There must be more that people care about other than that. I want to work for a cause, immerse myself in my passions and improve my mind. I know that I am most probably considered ignorant by the intellectuals but I want to be like them, because being so oblivious to the surroundings makes you susceptible to being bias, and being bias is the attitude that I hate the most. I suppose there's always this point in life when everything crashes down upon me and I feel burdened by the amount of lessons that I have to learn. There must be more to life then this. Ah well, I shall push myself to heights higher then currently achieved, and adopt methods to improve myself.
But first and foremost I have to rid myself of certain bad habits I've picked up.
I guess it's not that I don't like going out, but that I don't see any meaning to it if it occurs too often.
But first and foremost I have to rid myself of certain bad habits I've picked up.
I guess it's not that I don't like going out, but that I don't see any meaning to it if it occurs too often.
2013年1月24日 星期四
Gosh, ok, life lesson.
" Love others like you love yourself."
That is going to be the hardest lesson of all to master. As much as we think we already do that, question yourself: is it really so? Trace your every action to its original motives. What prompted you to act that way? Why do you make friends for? Why do you even love, if that is really love.
I've got to learn how to do it, I must, before I become some unfeeling robot.
Maybe the first step should be to stop thinking about yourself so much.
Thank you for letting me see this face of humanity that still exists, shifting my focus towards something more worthwhile.
That is going to be the hardest lesson of all to master. As much as we think we already do that, question yourself: is it really so? Trace your every action to its original motives. What prompted you to act that way? Why do you make friends for? Why do you even love, if that is really love.
I've got to learn how to do it, I must, before I become some unfeeling robot.
Maybe the first step should be to stop thinking about yourself so much.
Thank you for letting me see this face of humanity that still exists, shifting my focus towards something more worthwhile.
2013年1月23日 星期三
Plan
I know, I know. All the signs are there, all the pieces are in place. He's arranged everything perfectly for me already, even offering me second chances where I failed.
But I'm still too confused and afraid to admit to His plan. I myself am not even steady, how so to help others? I admit I have the tendency to be self centered, to focus my view upon myself. I'm a horrible person, indeed. I have to admit I don't know what is love, what is care, what is ... never mind. Everything seems to be for a certain motive. At least, for me. I know who I am, and it's not a pretty sight at all.
Sometimes I get a glimpse of moving friendships, and they move me to the core when I observe how a person can care for another. It amazes me. I don't know how to do that, but I have a feeling that it's a lesson I'm going to have to learn soon. You don't realize how much you care for another person until some occasion arises. I don't know how to express my feelings, so I don't know if the method I treat my valued friends show how much I treasure them. Probably not? And I admit that I'm sensitive to things that I say I'm not, that I don't know how to help others, and that I back out when I know I can't give the person what he/she's needs.
I still find it haunting that the same type of person appeared again in my life. Maybe this time I will make the right move? I know He is being good to me, but I don't know if I have the capability to take this up.
Is this also another lesson for toleration?
I know that I have to widen my views of this world, and cease the internal focus of attention. I know that I have to break free and make a change.
So that's what I'm doing, in efforts to admit to the plan.
Thank you, for placing so many inspirational figures in my life.
But I'm still too confused and afraid to admit to His plan. I myself am not even steady, how so to help others? I admit I have the tendency to be self centered, to focus my view upon myself. I'm a horrible person, indeed. I have to admit I don't know what is love, what is care, what is ... never mind. Everything seems to be for a certain motive. At least, for me. I know who I am, and it's not a pretty sight at all.
Sometimes I get a glimpse of moving friendships, and they move me to the core when I observe how a person can care for another. It amazes me. I don't know how to do that, but I have a feeling that it's a lesson I'm going to have to learn soon. You don't realize how much you care for another person until some occasion arises. I don't know how to express my feelings, so I don't know if the method I treat my valued friends show how much I treasure them. Probably not? And I admit that I'm sensitive to things that I say I'm not, that I don't know how to help others, and that I back out when I know I can't give the person what he/she's needs.
I still find it haunting that the same type of person appeared again in my life. Maybe this time I will make the right move? I know He is being good to me, but I don't know if I have the capability to take this up.
Is this also another lesson for toleration?
I know that I have to widen my views of this world, and cease the internal focus of attention. I know that I have to break free and make a change.
So that's what I'm doing, in efforts to admit to the plan.
Thank you, for placing so many inspirational figures in my life.
Deja Vu
It's all happening again, everything. The same people, the same circumstances, the same challenges.
I still remember those crucial years, when my senior told me his personal analogy to life.
" You think I'm confident? I'm sorry, but all these are feigned. I'm only pretending to be confident- that is the key to being who I am today."
I really took all that he said to heart, really. Because he was so far ahead of me, seemingly so knowledgeable and mature about life, that I believed in what he said. He was one of the persons in my life who widened my perspective of the world and taught me to rebel. But of course, the later events in his life that revealed his vulnerability returned some humane light to him.
At that time, I was truly struggling with confidence issues. I had huge responsibilities upon my shoulders, sitting in a position that I felt I was incapable of excelling in, but nevertheless feeling overwhelmed by the trust others had in me. But I regret then, how I took his advice to feign confidence. On the surface it all seemed great, but I was a horrible big mess inside. I don't know what I was doing, why I was doing it, or anything. Everything was silenced with a " You can do it!" " who says you can't do it!" "you have confidence!" " You are capable of doing it!" " she's better then you, so what!"
None of that was helping me. It only aggravated my already severe inferiority complex.
I still remember how intimidated I felt facing the same challenges that haunted me some time ago. I always felt that after overcoming an obstacle, I won't have to face it again. Only that it is never true- it always comes back, again and again. Then I become so paranoid, so terrified to accept a reality that I've never improved; that I'm still in that horrible state of person so many years ago, that all present now is a mask. Just a show, when inside I'm still the same mess. I suppose that fear made me build a defensive wall around myself, refusing to let familiar challenges knock on the door again. Avoiding any potential circumstances that can bring such problems to surface. Feeling utterly intimidated when meeting with people of much higher potential.
It all got to me, and it's tiring. It's tiring. It's so exhausting to always realize how little you are, how inferior you are, how many weaknesses you possess. How disheartening to realize that the cancer you've supposedly solved years ago is on a relapse. Life is a loop, never ending. The same problems keep circling about, changing their forms from time to time.
I think it's time to let go of all that though. I don't know what is my ultimate aim, really. To become a perfect person? To become the person I want to be? But what is the person that I want to be? I've decided that I've got to face challenges head on, no matter how hurtful or degrading it is. Let it be all these obstacles to remind me to be humble, to be able to admit my ignorance, not be afraid to be stupid.
I think, confidence is not all that important after all. The thing that I've been pursuing for years, then after I've gained a meager proportion of it, guarded it with all my pride. Only to let it seep through the cracks rapidly. So confidence is not it, I think it's the eagerness to learn and improve. That's it! The eagerness and will to change, improve, and accept that there are many things for me to learn.
To stop being intimidated by great people, by fears, by insecurity. I don't ever want to feel lesser then myself ever again. Ever.
" If you do not empty your cup, how can you learn?"
I still remember those crucial years, when my senior told me his personal analogy to life.
" You think I'm confident? I'm sorry, but all these are feigned. I'm only pretending to be confident- that is the key to being who I am today."
I really took all that he said to heart, really. Because he was so far ahead of me, seemingly so knowledgeable and mature about life, that I believed in what he said. He was one of the persons in my life who widened my perspective of the world and taught me to rebel. But of course, the later events in his life that revealed his vulnerability returned some humane light to him.
At that time, I was truly struggling with confidence issues. I had huge responsibilities upon my shoulders, sitting in a position that I felt I was incapable of excelling in, but nevertheless feeling overwhelmed by the trust others had in me. But I regret then, how I took his advice to feign confidence. On the surface it all seemed great, but I was a horrible big mess inside. I don't know what I was doing, why I was doing it, or anything. Everything was silenced with a " You can do it!" " who says you can't do it!" "you have confidence!" " You are capable of doing it!" " she's better then you, so what!"
None of that was helping me. It only aggravated my already severe inferiority complex.
I still remember how intimidated I felt facing the same challenges that haunted me some time ago. I always felt that after overcoming an obstacle, I won't have to face it again. Only that it is never true- it always comes back, again and again. Then I become so paranoid, so terrified to accept a reality that I've never improved; that I'm still in that horrible state of person so many years ago, that all present now is a mask. Just a show, when inside I'm still the same mess. I suppose that fear made me build a defensive wall around myself, refusing to let familiar challenges knock on the door again. Avoiding any potential circumstances that can bring such problems to surface. Feeling utterly intimidated when meeting with people of much higher potential.
It all got to me, and it's tiring. It's tiring. It's so exhausting to always realize how little you are, how inferior you are, how many weaknesses you possess. How disheartening to realize that the cancer you've supposedly solved years ago is on a relapse. Life is a loop, never ending. The same problems keep circling about, changing their forms from time to time.
I think it's time to let go of all that though. I don't know what is my ultimate aim, really. To become a perfect person? To become the person I want to be? But what is the person that I want to be? I've decided that I've got to face challenges head on, no matter how hurtful or degrading it is. Let it be all these obstacles to remind me to be humble, to be able to admit my ignorance, not be afraid to be stupid.
I think, confidence is not all that important after all. The thing that I've been pursuing for years, then after I've gained a meager proportion of it, guarded it with all my pride. Only to let it seep through the cracks rapidly. So confidence is not it, I think it's the eagerness to learn and improve. That's it! The eagerness and will to change, improve, and accept that there are many things for me to learn.
To stop being intimidated by great people, by fears, by insecurity. I don't ever want to feel lesser then myself ever again. Ever.
" If you do not empty your cup, how can you learn?"
2013年1月19日 星期六
mygosh
Revelations can dawn on you like a hurricane in the time span of 24 hours so fast that you barely have time to digest anything. After a period of uninspired drag, it's refreshing to be rejuvenated by this new stream of ideas again! Not to mention new introspective conclusions of course, after feeling constipated mentally for some time. These solutions I've come to, I hope it'll work. All it took was some directing, some guidance, some hints, that all finally culminate in a change of perception and attitude. But we all know how volatile those two fellows are- they evaporate in a second. I don't expect this mindset to hold long; it'll probably disintegrate by the time the next obstacle surfaces. But I just hope it'll stay long enough for a period of blissful learning.
It's like a cycle. My life is like a cycle, or a graph with fixed patterns. There is the plateau when nothing happens, there is the dip when everything goes downhill, there is the peak when I feel tremendously inspired.
I know I'm a hypocrite, because I desire for that something but I'm too intimidated to pursue it. I'm terrified. So I duck back to the comfort zone. I'm afraid of challenges, stemming from incidents long long ago that will be too long to elaborate here, not to mention personal. Too many cringe worthy memories in my store. I broke out of that egg shell long ago, stepping into another one. It's maybe time to break through this one too.
The longer I think of it, the more I can't find a personal philosophy that encompasses all my principles in life. They either seem too broad, too minuscule or too stupid to be mentioned. The only thing I can figure out is the one word to describe me- contradictory.
My gosh, I am nothing special, you won't remember me but I'd like to just be myself. The wall flower, maybe. Or I'll just morph into the wall and observe humans and their queer ways.
I want to watch some mind blowing movie and then launch into some great discussion about it. :(
( all points are unconnected. This is random typing, random typing.)
It's like a cycle. My life is like a cycle, or a graph with fixed patterns. There is the plateau when nothing happens, there is the dip when everything goes downhill, there is the peak when I feel tremendously inspired.
I know I'm a hypocrite, because I desire for that something but I'm too intimidated to pursue it. I'm terrified. So I duck back to the comfort zone. I'm afraid of challenges, stemming from incidents long long ago that will be too long to elaborate here, not to mention personal. Too many cringe worthy memories in my store. I broke out of that egg shell long ago, stepping into another one. It's maybe time to break through this one too.
The longer I think of it, the more I can't find a personal philosophy that encompasses all my principles in life. They either seem too broad, too minuscule or too stupid to be mentioned. The only thing I can figure out is the one word to describe me- contradictory.
My gosh, I am nothing special, you won't remember me but I'd like to just be myself. The wall flower, maybe. Or I'll just morph into the wall and observe humans and their queer ways.
I want to watch some mind blowing movie and then launch into some great discussion about it. :(
( all points are unconnected. This is random typing, random typing.)
2013年1月15日 星期二
argh
Sometimes the tiniest things can annoy me beyond realms imaginable. The reason doesn't even have to make sense at all. I'm sitting here, doing my work, and there's this bright sweet voice of a girl ringing about the whole area, chatting to two deep voices. I don't know who they are, but that bright voice is annoying me with all her optimism and innocence of her speech.
I sound like some weird old lonely bat jealous of the youngster's spirit ( she is younger then me, I'm sure of that).
But I think it's more on her voice possessing such a high frequency. Not to mention her tone of voice.
Shall go and take a peek of her face.
OMG It's so irritating her voice! How to get out of my hiding place unnoticed? It seems rather impossible. Jeez, I should have gotten a more obscure place to hide, free of bright annoying voices.
I sound like some weird old lonely bat jealous of the youngster's spirit ( she is younger then me, I'm sure of that).
But I think it's more on her voice possessing such a high frequency. Not to mention her tone of voice.
Shall go and take a peek of her face.
OMG It's so irritating her voice! How to get out of my hiding place unnoticed? It seems rather impossible. Jeez, I should have gotten a more obscure place to hide, free of bright annoying voices.
2013年1月8日 星期二
Calm the raging storm
The locus of control is hard to comprehend at times. It is always known that people who believe that they live their lives at their will obtain a more optimistic outlook and generally, live happier. Oh I do believe that, but the I don't feel any happier though. There are times like this when I am unsatisfied with everything, frustrated that nothing is as desired, clueless as to what the next step should be. I am simply restless, restless, restless emotionally and physically.
Right now everything is annoying, everything antagonizes me, nothing is like what I want it to be, including myself.
When will all these end? Stop all those introspective shit and become like a normal person.
Is there some other universe in the world that I belong to, and I'm in the wrong place now?
It's like searching for that perfect calender to use, but never finding it.
I can understand the woes of the elves now- being immortal is no great gift. I cannot imagine living in this world for so long a time. It would be horrible.
Right now everything is annoying, everything antagonizes me, nothing is like what I want it to be, including myself.
When will all these end? Stop all those introspective shit and become like a normal person.
Is there some other universe in the world that I belong to, and I'm in the wrong place now?
It's like searching for that perfect calender to use, but never finding it.
I can understand the woes of the elves now- being immortal is no great gift. I cannot imagine living in this world for so long a time. It would be horrible.
2013年1月4日 星期五
They just won't come
Those words just don't come. I want to use those words, so beautiful words that I read, but they just won't come when I write. Maybe another method of learning is required.
" I am disposed to be gregarious and communicative to-night."
- Mr Rochester, Jane Eyre
" I am disposed to be gregarious and communicative to-night."
- Mr Rochester, Jane Eyre
Jeez
That's probably becoming my new favorite word, "jeez". Before things happen I can actually get a premonition. An inkling that something will go wrong in the future, a tiny siren blaring at the background. I normally choose to ignore that niggling sensation and just follow my desires, but they do not often end up where I want to be. Yes, I expected it to happen but I still feel upset over it. Call me a hypocrite.
I know that it is these circumstances that lead me to choose escapism, blocking out all thoughts that I HAVE, pretending that those are thoughts I SHOULDN'T have, thus try as much to eliminate them. It doesn't seem possible though, because of all the people you can lie to the world, you can't lie to yourself. It's a pointless effort.
I just hope things will be fine, better then before and I can make my cowardly self confront reality, strive to correct things, put my foot between the door. INTERVENTION, before another round of escapism seeps in.
I know that it is these circumstances that lead me to choose escapism, blocking out all thoughts that I HAVE, pretending that those are thoughts I SHOULDN'T have, thus try as much to eliminate them. It doesn't seem possible though, because of all the people you can lie to the world, you can't lie to yourself. It's a pointless effort.
I just hope things will be fine, better then before and I can make my cowardly self confront reality, strive to correct things, put my foot between the door. INTERVENTION, before another round of escapism seeps in.
2013年1月3日 星期四
Fleeting thoughts
Massacres, gang rapes, bullying, suicide... these tragedies never cease to bother mankind. It is of our own doing, torturing our own kind.
Sometimes I find it so frustrating, the thought that no man is truly evil. After every massacre there is immediately speculation about the mental health of the perpetrator; does he have antisocial personality disorder? Does he have conduct disorder? Does he/ she feel remorse for his/her actions? By massacre it doesn't only include physical harm- it also includes mental bullying that drives a person to suicide. Doesn't the culprit feel guilty? Don't they think about the consequences of their actions? Or are their conscious so obscured by the seething hatred within their souls?
Well, if it's the case of a mental illness, the hopes seem pretty dismal. These are troubled people, deeply troubled people. I've always wondered about people with antisocial personality disorder. What should be the appropriate punishment to impose upon them? They feel no guilt at anything they do, they will only do what they want. Any jail term or therapy doesn't seem of much effect on them, since well, they don't even think they're wrong. What should be done then? You can't keep them all in life- long jail sentences, and you can't release them out into the society. What to do then? I suppose of those who commit sever enough crimes would be sentenced to death. Is that a better option? Since maybe, only death is the option to save their souls from committing further crime. I don't know any successful cases of curing people with this disorder yet, but that's because I haven't researched on that. If a person with this disorder commits a crime, it'd be hard to hate on him. Your soul would crave to hate him/her, but yet you know he/she doesn't know they're in the wrong; they can't see from another person's point of view. So is that a sin?
Come to think about it, if the perpetrator were a normal person, it would make the whole case creepier, wouldn't it? That anger and vengeance can drive a sane person to such lengths. Which can be inferred that, any person beside you and me can be potential candidates for committing such a crime. Any normal person.
We need to talk about Kevin surfaces in my mind whenever news about massacres come about. The thing that struck me the deepest about it was well, what about the mother of the perpetrator? How does she feel? Can a mother hate her child? Can she? When her child has such a vicious and dangerous character? Can she stop herself from feeling hatred?
Reading about the Sandy Hook shooting case led me to the blog post by this mother who claims that her child is haunted by the same demons as Adam Lanza's. I don't know if that's truly the case, but that's another case of mental illness and Kevin-like plot. Except that the child hasn't committed aany crime yet, and let's hope he won't ever.
All these boils down to one point- we humans are so vulnerable. We can be controlled by our mere thoughts and feelings so much so to be driven to carry out lethal acts, inflicting pain unto others. We seem so exposed to these dangers, these subtle dangers lurking within the crowd. Who knows who will be the next victim or culprit? Mental illness can rob a person's sane judgment away. We are vulnerable, vulnerable.
At times like this, only God can help us.
Gah this is all too depressing. Reading psychology actually strengthens my faith. Interesting.
Time to indulge in some fun stuff.
2013年1月2日 星期三
Personality
I wonder what it's like to have an unpleasant personality. They say personality is a persistent pattern of traits possessed since birth, so I suppose it's very much nature then nurture. Reading Jane Eyre made me think about it. Jane Eyre wasn't a pretty child- rather plain, she was, even until adulthood. She did not please her stepmother nor maids because she wasn't pretty like a doll, nor lively like them attention seekers. She was just, plain, normal and obedient. But she was disliked for that, only earning the affection of one maid.
Things changed for her during youth, of course, as she met the kind people of Mr. Rochester's house and later, her cousins.
But it still led me to wonder about it. Charlotte Bronte, the author's biography mentioned something about her being a serious, grave and stern person; a dinner party with her as the honoured guest left everyone feeling dull and disappointed. They were expecting lively, intelligent conversation, but that didn't happen. If it's true, then that's just her personality then; a quiet lady. But people didn't really like that, they seem to prefer lively, assertive and fun people. So should she change her personality? Is it wrong to possess a personality like that, so much so to cause discomfort to others? Let down other's expectations, unable to entertain others?
I wonder, is personality permanent? Is it something we should strive to preserve, or should we carve it according to our worldly demands? If your personality is something that doesn't parallel with the mainstream world and is causing you problems, or obstructing you from obtaining your desires, should you change it? Or should we instead be changing our desires and releasing ourselves from the grasp of peer pressure, putting our original personality as the main element to be preserved?
Which to change and which not to change?
What is right and what is wrong?
What should be done and what not to be done?
Sometimes I think that we should just do whatever we want, ceasing to think too much about the consequence. If we will fall, let it be; just climb up after that. But that takes a substantial amount of courage that I am still unable to accumulate yet.
Things changed for her during youth, of course, as she met the kind people of Mr. Rochester's house and later, her cousins.
But it still led me to wonder about it. Charlotte Bronte, the author's biography mentioned something about her being a serious, grave and stern person; a dinner party with her as the honoured guest left everyone feeling dull and disappointed. They were expecting lively, intelligent conversation, but that didn't happen. If it's true, then that's just her personality then; a quiet lady. But people didn't really like that, they seem to prefer lively, assertive and fun people. So should she change her personality? Is it wrong to possess a personality like that, so much so to cause discomfort to others? Let down other's expectations, unable to entertain others?
I wonder, is personality permanent? Is it something we should strive to preserve, or should we carve it according to our worldly demands? If your personality is something that doesn't parallel with the mainstream world and is causing you problems, or obstructing you from obtaining your desires, should you change it? Or should we instead be changing our desires and releasing ourselves from the grasp of peer pressure, putting our original personality as the main element to be preserved?
Which to change and which not to change?
What is right and what is wrong?
What should be done and what not to be done?
Sometimes I think that we should just do whatever we want, ceasing to think too much about the consequence. If we will fall, let it be; just climb up after that. But that takes a substantial amount of courage that I am still unable to accumulate yet.
Lessons from the innocent
The Karate Kid
It is undeniably just a film for entertainment, pure entertainment. I actually cringed from the amount of violence shown in the movie, especially of those children beating up each other accompanied by the exaggerated " thump" and " bam" sound effects. I'm surprised that no bones nor lives were lost from the level of damage supposedly imposed by those kicks. They certainly do SOUND lethal.
Are we really suppose to believe such a martial art competition is allowed whereby children fight each other on stone hard floors, breaking their soft bones?
My oh my.
Violent as it was, it was still a thrilling watch. Action movies starring Jackie Chan always promise a good fight scene- the choreography is awesome. I don't normally like watching fists and legs swinging about, but Jackie Chan can be my sole exception. Another redeeming point was that the story does involve some useful values in life. I was particularly taken by the scene when Dre was lying injured, pleading Mr Han to heal him so he can go out to the arena again.
" It's because I'm still afraid. I want to walk out of here today not being scared anymore!"
The originally reluctant Mr Han relented to the boy's wishes, moved by his determination. I suppose this scene reminded me of Charlie in Perks of being a wallflower, in the scene where he ventured into the middle of the dance floor to join Sam and Patrick. That's the spirit I'm trying to emulate currently, I suppose. The courage to face my fears, plunge myself into that field that fills me with uncertainty and fear. I will participate, and will not give up until all traces of fear are removed.
Aw yeah!
New year resolution!
To never awaken from a deep slumber
I think twice before taking a nap. Somehow there's this switch malfunctioning in me that disables the bodily alarm clock when I fall asleep. I just can't wake up, no matter how much I force myself to. I try to open my eyes but they are so tightly shut that hallucinations even begin to dawn on me. I don't know if my eyes are shut or opened, and whether the scene I'm seeing is real. Sometimes I suspect that I'm just dreaming that I'm awake. At times of confusion like these, I forcefully open my eyes and try to stand up. It doesn't work, because I stand up, but the eyelids are just so heavy that they will only stay open for half a second. Then comes the confusion again. I don't know if I'm really standing up or was that just in my dream? In the end, I just give up and continue to sleep.
The way my subconscious mind controls me is terrifying.
Walking between the realms of consciousness and dreams.
The way my subconscious mind controls me is terrifying.
Walking between the realms of consciousness and dreams.
2013年1月1日 星期二
Nostalgia
If you're going to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you're going to San Francisco
You're gonna meet some gentle people there
For those who come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there
In the streets of San Francisco
Gentle people with flowers in their hair
All across the nation such a strange vibration
People in motion
There's a whole generation with a new explanation
People in motion people in motion
For those who come to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there
If you come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you're going to San Francisco
You're gonna meet some gentle people there
For those who come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there
In the streets of San Francisco
Gentle people with flowers in their hair
All across the nation such a strange vibration
People in motion
There's a whole generation with a new explanation
People in motion people in motion
For those who come to San Francisco
Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair
If you come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there
If you come to San Francisco
Summertime will be a love-in there
訂閱：
意見 (Atom)
