Welcome to the island of misfits

 " It is fun to observe from the fringes of the society, but sometimes you need to see the view from within the dance floor."

Charlie, all alone in his best suit leaning against the wall while watching couples slow dancing to a romantic tune is in isolation. We see him observing the people on the dance floor, then slowly make his way through the crowd towards two new friends he made a few days before. Awkwardly, carefully. He cautiously places himself into the society. The two friends welcome him passionately, embracing him in their queer dance moves. He belongs.

For some reason, that scene, and that line from the back of the book, The Perks of being a Wall Flower stayed with me throughout the film. As I see the protagonist, Charlie navigate his way through life, trying to forget his past traumas, joining new people, I can't help but relate to him in many ways. Yes, that was teenage-hood; albeit being without the terrors that surrounded his childhood, the anxiety was still the same. Being alone, fearing loneliness, the reluctance or fear to be assertive. The need for communication to save yourself. The acute need for friends to be sane, to be in touch with your insecurities. 

I like how the film isn't concerned with unnecessary narratives, or elaborate exhibitions of emotions. We are left to pick up clues on the factors leading to Charlie's present condition from conversations, flashbacks, diary entries. They're not difficult to interpret. The focus, is not on what happened, but rather on his journey of recovery.

“Sometimes people use thought to not participate in life.”

Yes, well, yes. That's true. Somehow just at this confusing age of teenage-hood communication and friendship becomes the core of all activities. Everyone is obsessed with it; anyone without it is a weirdo. Yet at some point in life, we come to realize how different all of us are. We may think we are weird, because no one else seems like us. For me, the feeling grows to discontent as I fail to find connection. The feelings expand, and the weirdness extends to all areas in life and I find myself disconnected. Connected, but still somehow disconnected. There are two ways to take, one to the "normal" as thought; the other to maintain my stand and remain the same. Yet at the end, the things we all want are still the same- friendship, understanding, love, care. I discovered that to get what you want, you have to work towards it; it will not come to you, so stop being so obstinate, refusing to budge. Your grand idea of being indifferent to peer pressure is of no substance.

"Charlie, don't you get it? I can't feel that. It's sweet and everything, but it's like you're not even there sometimes. It's great that you can listen and be a shoulder to someone, but what about when someone doesn't need a shoulder. What if they need the arms or something like that? You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things."

Participate. 

He felt infinite when they were driving through the tunnel listening to an awesome song that seemed to be the embodiment of their youth, their joy. No one knew what the song was, and they searched for it all through the movie. The song captured that moment, an ordinary action serving as a point in life so crucial. A time never to be forgotten. It's just like how a random song in the radio reminds me of the nostalgic memories of certain friends, certain people.

 Finally, at the end of it, they found it. They found the song. 

The time will come, when things will get better.

Fight for those moments, and be not afraid- those great times will come again. Persevere through current troubles.

" We could be heroes, just for one day!"

Bateman's Batman

Or the other way around. Whichever it is, Christian Bale is so perfect in this role in American Psycho that I can't remember him in Batman anymore. No more. He is forever etched in my mind as a crazy murderer with a ravenous craving and desire in his eyes for blood. Aw yeah, Batman has turned evil.

It's disturbing to my immature eyes of course, some of the scenes in the movie, especially those related to sex. Every moment I'm trying to predict his next victim, his next moment of crime- it's pretty easy actually, seeing that this is a satirical poke at the high society then. You know what drives this murderer to commit this act, because it's clear as daylight and as ridiculous as a joke.

This must be the first time I enjoy a bloody film of gore and R-rated sex, but the message behind the act and superb acting are just too awesome to ignore. Maybe it can serve as a reflection of the contemporary society now too, one which everyone is so self obsessed. Do we really care about others unless it trespasses our rights? Of course, this whole story is an absurd exaggeration, since it is well, logically impossible in many areas. But hey, it's just a movie.

Why so serious? Ha, you won't be saying that now, Joker.

Tiny irritations

Many, many in fact. For instance, how I am unable to express my thoughts, how I can't concentrate in my reading because some songs, or some scenes are playing in my mind over and over again, or how people are peeking over my shoulder when I'm using the computer.

ARGH.

At times like this, Simple Simon's spaceship always comes to mind. How I wish I had one like him too! But my actions would be seen as abnormal and unforgiven, seeing that he had Asperger's; his queer actions are indeed justified to some level. For me, it'd be just a plain stupid act.

Then again, it would be so hot inside. Not a good choice.

How to improve one's English? I'm too lazy a person to thoroughly work through books like some other people I've observed. Books to me are a source of entertainment, not for work. There's still this huge stack of books I'm forcing myself to read, but can't seem to finish. I cite lack of time as the excuse, but I suppose it's actually more of the stubborn mind refusing to munch through those words with "education" as the aim, instead of " entertainment".

GAH.

Lately my attention is all consumed by movies, movies and movies. Commercial hits, chic- lit, light comedy, depressing stories, psychological thrillers...

Is that addiction contributing to my short attention span and alexithymia?

Maybe, maybe.

I need to write! But where, how, what about?

Entertainment galore!

Their a Capella rendition of Just the way you are/ Just a dream caught me.

I just had to watch the movie, despite being put off by Anna Kendricks acting in the trailer and the seemingly, heroine driven plot of the story that is SO, not to my taste.

Well, the music was absolutely worth listening to, and Anna Kendricks acting is just like what the trailer suggests. Stiff. Rigid. Her character is arrogant and stubborn, but that's alright. It actually increased the movie's value since imperfect characters are my favorite ( Sorry, I just can't accept perfect people with bees buzzing around them constantly. Makes me jealous. Ha, just kidding). For the heroine driven plot, it actually wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. As mentioned, her character is flawed, and the other characters all have their moment to shine too, especially Fat Amy, who is probably the real star of the show.

The fact that she calls herself "fat" is funny enough, and combined with her laugh-inducing lines all throughout the movie, Fat Amy makes a wonderful and memorable character. I always roll in laughter when she appears in the screen. No need to mention of course, that most of the quotes from the movie comes from her.

She isn't the only comical person, of course. There's also the weird Asian girl who looks like a goldfish. Non of whatever she says is audible, and she creeps me out with her wide, wide eyes. Her most epic line: " I ate my twin in the womb."

Come to think of it, the entire film was actually very hilarious. Lots of ridiculous bits in it ( the barfing part!) but they all fit into the plot perfectly. Lots of witty lines as well, with nothing taken too seriously. It seems to aptly capture the atmosphere of an exciting college life ( if that is what it is) together with all the drinking, partying, music, friends, fighting... It is a tiny bit intimidating, really. I wonder if it will really be this way there? It is a future that I shall soon face, and I sure hope that it will be as fun as the film depicts. And that I would meet someone as fun as Jesse ( fangirling!) or, someone as weird as Fat Amy ( hmm...).

Pitch Perfect, all to the college experience!

If you allow me to whisper into your ear

all my insecurities and fear, then you'd realize what a shadow of grandiosity I am, that all you might have thought of me is but an illusion hidden behind mighty words and image.

I am nothing, just an ignorant person knowing that she's supposed to be dreaming big, thus she does so but not really knowing which direction is she heading towards.

If I whisper my secrets into your ears, you'd see the vulnerability and confusion in my eyes, along with the silent screams.

I don't know what I'm doing, what I'm suppose to do, if what I'm doing is correct, and what the - am I doing whatever I'm doing now.

Big dreams, fall hard.

But it probably wasn't even a dream after all. Just some passing notion that stuck to my head.

Of...grand principles?

Of choices

Of opinions

Of fairytales

Of rivalry

Of adolescence

Of insecurity

Of curious silence

Of that tingling pleasant sensation

It was right after the finals and I was desperate for something funny yet not foolish. It had to be heart warming to return some sense of positive emotion into my thirsty soul, contain some form of romance that stays away from the classic clichés and some element of humour that does NOT stem from dirty, lowly jokes.

Crazy, stupid, love was the best answer offered.

See that beautiful smile up there? Yeah, that's the exact emotion displayed when I watched this movie, except for parts where I rolled in laughter ( Steve Carell is in the movie. STEVE CARELL).

I'm generally not a fan of contemporary romance on-screen flicks, but this one is pretty different. It wins at how simple, straightforward and funny it is, never bothering to burden us with cliche, boring details. Yet everything still falls into place.



I've run out of stuff to write about this movie. Shall write again when that feeling returns.

I SHAN'T care!

Fine, I'll admit to my own queer ways, and I would love to avoid gatherings of which have not much enjoyment to me. The distance is there and I am not so sure that it can be mended any further, nor am I in a disposition or mood to make an effort to do so. Only for those few that I hold dear, I shall venture forward to semen our ties.

Call me antisocial, but I do what I want, to my preference.

Somehow, as I mentally review the friends I have made, true soul mates are little and between. They all have different qualities that I hold dear, and I suppose would feel depressed if I were to lose any of them. But they are not many, they are few. It's a conclusion I've came by, that my character is such that a "gang" life is unsuitable and I'd become a hermit if left to my own devices. Not something that I particularly like, in fact, I'm wondering if I can venture from that path and make deeper ties with all the friends that I have now.

Yeah, maybe.

I have this repetitive urge to throw my arms into the air and scream.

Plunge into the stream of ordinary!

Oh man.

I'm suffering from this constant feeling of... dissatisfaction with every thing. Nothing seems to please me now, I find fault with everything. I can't seem to make any proper decisions right now, and there so many desires springing up from within that I know are beyond my reach. To obtain them would require change of many sorts, huge, drastic changes.

The end of every year is a time for me to rearrange my thoughts and feelings as to emerge as a better person in the next period, which, unfortunately ends up in another episode of failure. It ends in exhaustion.

Shit. I'm out of words.

These days my thoughts just go like this ______ ___ ___________ ______ _________

There is a lack of words to describe my emotions.

Alexithymia

ohuh

I stare into the mirror and a face of an old lady stares back at me.

Except that this old lady has an abundance of pimples.

What happened to me? I look like an unhealthy teenager who spent too many a days eating junk food and staring at the computer, with an ashen face, pimply cheek, deep eye bags, oily skin, unhealthy skin tone, straight dry and messy hair.

Oh my.

Lots of random things in my head

that I've just got to spit out before I continue with my studies ( which I am wondering how am I ever going to finish. 4.0 is already far at a distant horizon, I hope 3.90 won't follow suit).

I really hate it when ideas or thoughts flood your mind for one second and then leave it completely empty the next. I feel so uninspired now. Streams, literally streams of thoughts were flowing through my head all day which I had to put aside to prepare for my exams, but they crept away silently as the semantic knowledge came to substitute its place. Oh, how I hate it.

I hope for someone to read me, although I already fully know who I am. It's just more comforting to hear it from someone else, as if you need some verification for your judgements. Even when it is towards yourself.

I remember how I used to wish to be different, unique from the others. That probably stemmed from some childhood trauma that made me make the decision to always take the other route, the road not taken. Avoid conflicts at all cause, be weird rather then be hated. Weird.

Now I'm sometimes regretting that decision, because being normal gives so much less problems. Or the problems faced will be more common and shared by others too. But then again, one tiny decision can't make that much a difference unless there was already a predisposition to it- my personality. Perhaps it was already destined to be that way.

What else, what else.

Ah. What goes around comes around. Things that happened to me, are happening again. This time I know it's not their problem: it's definitely mine. Otherwise how can it happen twice to the same person?

Sometimes I suspect the motives behind every of my actions. There always seems to be an inkling of insincerity there, as if whatever I'm doing is just for the show, to fit into the expectation of others.

If you left me to my own device, I wonder what will I do.

Projection

Maybe my thoughts were projected unto the waves. Why are they forming exactly what I am thinking?

Of ambiguity

"The point of diving in a lake isn't immediately to swim to the shore, but to be in the lake, to luxuriate in the sensation of water. You do not work the lake out, it is an experience beyond thought. Poetry soothes and emboldens the soul to accept mystery."

I've never been able to decipher, much less, enjoy poetry. I may get enlightened, or surprised by the latent content after reading a review about it but I'm still unable to elicit any sort of passion for poetry.

Jane Campion's Bright Star may not win at its plot or character designs, but the beauty, atmosphere and ambience of the entire film certainly covers for those faults. The main characters are not lovable- one a feeble romantic, the other a headstrong, childish girl that you'd probably avoid in real life. But you don't realise it when you watch the film, or in fact, many days after it because it was shot so beautifully that it captures your attention and your soul from the first scene.I would prefer to pay no heed to the over idyllic ( well, to the sceptics at least) romance in the film but instead focus on how the director marvellously expressed poetry through scenery, cinematography and dialogue. I could FEEL poetry seeping out of every corner in the picture, with every breeze, every little flower, grass and word uttered by all characters. Keat's poem were just perfectly expressed by the actors'- the emotions, accentuated by the beautiful scenery and acting allows you to immerse in the wonders of their world, a world of young, passionate love.

I still didn't understand half of the poetry recited in the film, but somehow I felt that it didn't matter. I felt the soul, the emotions of it, and that felt like the whole point. Maybe sometimes not everything has to be spelled out in black and white; not everything has to be so clear, crisp and tough. Bask in ambiguity, and just feel, just allow yourself to relax and experience all the things of the world, the pain, the joy, the sensations that you don't even know the name to. Then only, can we truly appreciate the full value of life.

" I almost wish we were butterflies and liv'd but three summer days- three such days with you I could fill with more delight then fifty common years could ever contain."
( Sorry, this was just too romantic I just HAD to write it down)

Of Chance and Fate.

How queer it is that sometimes, it is not our closest friends who can save us, but some random stranger.
For both films, the protagonists met in the most random of manner, got close in the most spontaneous manner, and then parted in the most peaceful manner. I feel like I'm watching the film through a faded screen, where everything seems like a dream, and that all things were just passing motions, things of no significance that pass you by everyday. They were like the people on the streets you frequent, or your neighbour, or the people sitting at the back of your bus, or one of the many people on the zebra crossing, their figures half obscured by the crowd that you can only catch a glimpse of their shadows.
The guy and the girl, both like ordinary people out there, stuck in their own lives experiencing a frustrating, suffocating plateau in life. May it be due to painful memories, may it be due to dissatisfaction of life, an inability to make sense of things that are going on.
Then one day, they met each other and began their friendship. Just like that. Maybe they spotted the loneliness in the other's soul, identical to the one inside theirs.
Their story was simply told through bits and pieces of conversation, no elaborate explanations needed- you can piece the story through the minimal information given; or maybe their history wasn't important, there was no need to dwell on that.
We see them getting closer, connecting with each other with no excessive emotions.
It was a simple relationship, friends, or lovers-may-be. We see them bond and help each other in their lives with no big gesture. They were just, there, for each other.
Then they had to part. It would spoil the whole magic of the film had they not do that.
Lost in translation, he had the luck to meet her, before he left, in a fateful encounter. A warm embrace marked their peaceful separation, of the wonderful time they spent together in a place where no one understood them.
Once, they left with a parting gift- a gift of hope and dreams.

These two films have always been stuck in my mind, Once with it's hauntingly beautiful song- Falling slowly, and Lost in translation with the scenes of both protagonists against the backdrop of a blurred, bright Tokyo.

Truly, magical.

Argh

Why am I so incompetent, why am I so stupid, and why did I ever, ever allow my obstinate mind to make that decision? That same stubbornness will probably lead me to.... Refuse to back out from that same old decision too.

Confusion

I need, a guide in my life. Should one choose interest over ability, or ability over interest? Or should one be lead by one's desires? I live, I see, and I yearn for a certain way of life that requires a certain level of sacrifice. Follow your dreams, but your dreams can be so many things. Choose one that means the most to you, but they can all mean so much to you in different ways that you just can't make a decision between them. To choose all, means sacrificing another aspect of your life. The leisure to just sit back and enjoy life, truly learn more about the world, socialising- these are the things that I neglect when I'm too focused on my aim. It happened in the past, but I don't want it to happen again. In the end, everyone was exhausted, drained, and plain in their intention to leave that mess. It may be just my assumptions, but that was certainly what I felt.

Somewhere around form five, I started realising that before that, all my schooling days were a waste, what was the purpose of me studying? Right then, I suddenly discovered my lack of knowledge and the horrible extent of my ignorance. It seemed to be too late though.

I still remember that year of tedious studying. Everyday was peace, all I did was focus on my aim and work hard for it. I still remember all those solitary walks that I had while returning to class. The cool breeze in my hair, the clear blue sky, birds chirping all about me, the distant rumble of laughter and teaching.

In the end, there was so much that I missed out. What is the life that I want in the future?
A truly college experience?
If I go hard for what I want, or need, I think I know what will be sacrificed.
But am I willing to let that go?

I really, really don't know what to choose now.

Well

Bugger, people disappoint you all the time. At times like these you look around and realise who you can really count on, I guess.

Watching too much tv is bad for you. You begin to get an overly idealistic view of everything, and then feel let down by reality.

Faults, too much faults.

Here we go again

I constantly try to numb my feelings.

I think if I were to belong to a place, it'd be between the twin towers, stuck in the middle of nowhere, where no one notices. All attention will be on the two metal structures beside me.

Watching Interior Design tempts me to morph into some object too. Often times when I'm too bored in class, I imagine myself as the white washed walls, appearing and disappearing at will. On days when I just don't feel like socializing with anyone or facing any sort of reality, I close my eyes and dream about merging with the wall, two pairs of eyes staring out of it to listen to classes, then slink back home without anyone realizing it.

Sometimes I really suspect that something is terribly wrong with me. How can the same situation happen twice? But I just can't pinpoint where is the fault, nor has anyone else successfully done that.

Why is it so then?

I still feel like I'm nowhere.

Belonging nowhere, and just as I will disappear soon, my guts tell me that it would make no difference.

My dream of becoming a wall, might have just came true.

And i'm not liking it.

Temperamental

We're going into depths that I never imagined even existed. It always manages to make me feel depressed and moody, all the time. I can't even begin to list down all the times I felt that way. Well, I shall not let it affect me that much. Control! Maybe there is something really wrong with me, I'm aware of that. In fact, I am SURE of that. But so is everyone. Forgiveness and acceptance, I suppose, is the lubricant of all relationships in this world.

Accumulation

All that pent up anger and emotions are eating me up inside. I have a niggling suspicion that, if I were to be met with any accident that would leave me crippled, I would grab that opportunity to wallow in sadness and wail over misfortune. It's as if I'm waiting for a legitimate reason to break down, some event that justifies one urge to simply dwell in sorrow and self pity.

But then, think again, and I realise that I have nothing to be so depressed about. My life is wonderful, I have all the things that contribute to a good life, an enviable life, a comfortable life. What am I fretting about?

The little things, the tiny disappointments, that insecurity, the frustrating worries that nip away your patience and faith day by day, snippet by snippet.

Or just the disbelief of what I am, truly, that scares me. Some time ago, I realised that I was incapable of experiencing an altruistic concern for others, sympathy, love, care. When I see how people treat and look after their loved ones, I have to admit, these gestures never even crossed my mind. I was probably too engrossed in my own world and life that everything else is neglected, nothing is as important as, me.

That world that revolved around myself was quiet, peaceful, boring and detrimental.

Now I realise that, no, it wasn't that I was obsessed with myself. The reason I didn't feel strong emotions towards others was that I didn't allow myself to. Maybe I was too afraid, aware of the vulnerability if you expose yourself to all these intense relationships and emotions.

Accept the rules of the world and how it runs, and thou shalt be well. Have faith and patience, everything happens for a reason. If it hasn't dawned on you yet, then maybe life is trying to tell you something. If it doesn't happen now, then maybe it's not your time yet.

I am still trying to convince myself.

Excuses

I can't weave anything with my words any more. This chronic loss of words should be included in the DSM as some sort of mental illness- one characterized by severe anxiety due to loss of words.

Like now, I don't know how to describe everything that is inside my muddled brain.

What to do?

I'm lost, very lost, very guilty, very lost.

So maybe I'm Lost

That ubiquitous ache.

I told myself to just let go, to pursue my desires wholeheartedly without regard to the consequences or reality. I know what the outcome will be, but I just feel like going all out for it. Suddenly that surge of confidence and courage, coming out of nowhere, short lived, only to be followed by the thump of reality, hitting hard onto whatever piece of optimism you had there then.

When your heart sinks, it literally sinks.

You drop harder when you've got higher expectations. Sometimes I"m astounded by the way the world works. Everything is a two way relationship, without a mutual consent or agreement everything deteriorates, one party hurts and the other probably ignorant.

That

Two days of utter loneliness, caged inside my house, alone, catching up with all that accumulated work. It wasn't really enjoying silence, maybe because habit made makes me uneasy whenever the house is too quiet when I'm alone at home. Every pin drop becomes a huge quake.

Being alone makes you productive.

Being alone gives you peace and calm.

Being alone allows you to reflect upon yourself.

But it can go too far, you allow your emotions to take full control of your being. If only frustrations can flow like tears do.

When you're alone, you're vulnerable. Tears flow without a single warning, with the tiniest provocation. A slightest action sends you thinking beyond the skies, making the most far fetched conclusions. Yet you know they're not far fetched. Intuitions are normally true, and deep inside your heart you know that, you just don't want to face it.

The trivial things that make you sad. The things that you think you've gotten over, haunt you again.

You're not that strong after all, you realise. Maybe you've fallen deeper then you realise.

It's terrifying realising how fragile you are! I have the urge to just lie on someone's shoulders and cry, cry, cry, cry, cry, forcing all those disturbing thoughts, sadness, disappointments and frustrations to leave your mind. Don't ask me why, I'll never be able to say why. The words won't form.

I should really read more. The lack of vocabulary is making me feel stuck and suffocated. They can't be labelled any more. No description, no release. So instead they come in the form of tears.

I'm confused, really. Don't feel like making a change but, everything seems to be nudging at that direction. Maybe I shouldn't be so naive after all.

I keep telling myself to accept, accept, tolerate, pursue your desires. Do you have the courage?

Sometimes you just get so tired, all you want to do is lie still, be alone and stare into space.

I used to think that the highest standard of a close friend or partner you can reach is when you can be silent with each other, yet derive the utmost comfort from it. To be able to understand each other well enough without any guessing games, to not have to constantly entertain the other.

Otherwise I feel as if I've been entertaining people for far too long. Far too often. It's boring.

Often times I wonder if it is unlucky for me to be born with such a serious personality. I know myself, my core personality, it would most probably be considered a boring person. But oh well, I'm sorry. Not that I don't like crapping, having fun, making jokes but, not always. I'll admit, I like serious talk, I like to stay at home, I like to read, I like to stare into the sea and do nothing, I like to cry when I watch movies, I like to analyse what I read, what I see. Is that boring? I don't know. But people seem to get the wrong idea, thinking I'm what my surface personality promises.

I'm a nerd and I don't care.

AH. The woes.

I can't believe I'm still worried over these sort of things. How old am I?

It takes courage to own up to your true self, it may not be who you want yourself to be. I've always forced myself to know more people, make more friends, because I know that's what I want, I want friends, I want to feel loved, I want to feel important, but. But I'm so lazy to take the effort to do so. I should, I should.

I remember telling someone before that if I had the choice, I would be a hermit and stay inside a cave.

It would only succeed if you've never been exposed to the world, because you will learn to desire and fear. Victimized by peer pressure and mainstream beliefs. You can't escape.

When you leave me alone for too long, I escape into my little world, my little abyss that is obscured with darkness and ridiculous thoughts. I can't get back.

Queer, queer feeling indeed.

After feeling so speechless for a long time, I was depending on today to be the lucky day where my thoughts will align and form words. It doesn't seem to be that way though. Everything is still jumbled up in the mess of my mind. There's one Chinese phrase that describes me perfectly, one that I haven't been able to translate into English appropriately.

少年不识愁滋味,为赋新词强说愁

I'm stuck. Probably habit has made me hinder from seeking help or advice from others, because that over- critical and sceptical mind of mind would most probably refuse to heed any of it, nor accept it. But the other more logical part of it will try to convince myself to accept it, put myself into someone else's shoe. The angel and devil then wages a war, sinking me deeper into confusion and this time, with severe frustration.

I know I'm incompetent, more then ever.

These days this thought keeps encircling my mind- we define the way we live. We define our lives and everything about it. Everyone has their own definitions for everything, and by chance we may come to find someone with similar definitions. Our definitions interact everyday, creating conflict, creating connections, creating confusion. Only tolerance and compassion serve as the mayonnaise that glues the world together.

Our fuel is that little bit of altruistic compassion, that little bit of selflessness.

Relationships are like so, aren't they? It would be impossible to find someone with whom you find every aspect pleasing. Most probably, the closer you get to the person, the more flaws you will begin to spot. They may repulse you, they may make you angry, but somehow, avoiding and running away doesn't solve anything, does it? Since that if you look around, you'll realise that every single person around you is as flawed as that person is. You've got no grounds to complain, because you're probably every bit as problematic as they are.

So we're all different and every bit as annoying to each other as we are to others. How do people get along in this world then? Tolerance? Empathy? Acceptance? Honesty? I'm not sure, I haven't figured that out yet. Should we let go of friendships that do not suit our preferences? Should it be a one-way decision?

I shouldn't be bothered about all these matters. But they're just fleeting thoughts that certain events trigger.

Maybe I AM that simple. Worrying over nothing.

Still, disappointment was unavoidable. You can't see further than that, can you?

痛心疾首

突然很想打华语. 虽然我每天在逼自己用英文来操作,不过到最后还是发现我比较喜欢用华语交谈,表达自己.应该是习惯吧.再坚持用英文多一些,就可以适应了.每天这样克制自己也不是很开心,所以心情很乱的时候就放肆一下也无妨.

明感,太明感了. 有些感觉就连自己也不敢承认拥有,因为实在是太丢脸了,我无法接受自己也会有这么的一天.被那么浅白的事物勒索着,竟然在意那么一个没意义的事.

在主流混久了,迟早也会被影响吧. 还是自己本来就过意不去,只是一直逃避现实告诉自己我不稀罕,我不介意,我不理会.

到最后是自己比任何人都更介意吧.

还是面对,接受这丑陋的事实好吧? 就承认自己是那么的庸俗,失败,脆弱.

勇敢的面对自己的短处!

我明感,任何点小细节都足以让我分析思考下定论. 不美的定论占多, 我宁愿相信最坏的预测.
我不喜欢爱情,因为它会让人选择. 因为它会让人不自由.因为它会让你知道, 嗯. 你永远不会是第一, 有她,就没有你.有他, 你算什么.爱情会让你想要拥有.
我没有那个资格.
要顾及形象,要顾及感受,要不迷失自己.何必?
我不喜欢别人突然和你停止联络.如果你讨厌我,就在我面前说.我最不喜欢隐藏,我最欣赏直接.
你有勇气当回真正的自己,就算多惹人厌也好,我就佩服你.
为什么要活着来娱乐别人.
可以不让我有胡思乱想的空间吗? 我真的会怀疑很多,我很多疑.不过巧的是,我怀疑的事情通常会成为事实,也许人有第六感是正确的吧.但是我还是不想面对这个事实,我宁愿相信这只是一个遐想.

哎.经常想成为另一个人.

Churning, pending, patience, frustration.

Maybe I'm just not fit to be in any language courses. I'm not talented in that area, much less an expertise in any spoken or written language. There's no clear slot for each of them in my mind, they get jumbled up all the time. What's so good about being multilingual? I get so frustrated every time a certain word can't be omitted from that huge archive of words inside my memory when I'm in desperate need for it. Everything in my life has to be labelled with a word, described with a phrase, explained with a sentence. Weird as it is, this helps the control freak in me get a sense of control and clear direction in life. I can't function without words! So that only goes to show how lack of vocabulary affects my emotional well being.

Oh thou Chinese and Malay, can you stay out of English's way? Let it through and save me from all that anxiety.

Talking about control freaks, I think mine is gradually dominating my life. Everything is revolving around me, me and me only, self possessed, self obsessed, lost, trying desperately to get ahold of the steering wheel, which is spinning around madly, too fast for me to hold onto, the ship heads into abyss, everything is thrown off board.

Affected by the most trivial of matters

Oh you sensitive soul. Do you know why I don't let you go wandering at times?
The more you see, the more you desire. You'll began to notice the smallest of things,
fret over the loss of attention, be ever so sensitive over what you don't have but others have.
Greediness will spread, it'll be beyond your control, and you'll not even know you've sunk deep unto it.
Only when you've already evolved to suit it's style and being, then you notice that you're the same color- as everything about you.

 Can you still differentiate which one is you?

It's a queer experience...

How weird it is to be ignored. I wonder why do people do that. How does friendship and communication work, anyway? Do we search for people with similar characters, or people with whom we can communicate without any friction? If we meet someone with whom we can get along well enough but is not the type of person we ideally want to be close with, what happens? Should we distance with each other? Or should the relationship go on? What if only one person thinks so, but the other not? Wouldn't it be plain rude to ignore someone else like that? Losing friends is never a pleasant feeling, however distant those two people may be. Without a reason, you'll be left in confusion wondering if you did something wrong. There's not enough courage to prompt you to ask the other person outrightly about the reason either. That would only seem to end the relationship even more. I wonder?

When you get sucked into the stream of popular beliefs, there's no coming back. Peer pressure has gotten ahold of you and you're growing to like it, admit it or not. Maybe it's not such a bad thing to accept it as it is and navigate the least painful way around it.

What if?

If there were a word to describe myself, " contradictory" would be the perfect one. I love changes, I love inconsistency because only with that, can we improve, learn and realise our faults. But I hate changes too, because of the insecurity it brings, the sense of sudden loss and confusion as to where you stand, where you are, what you are suppose to do. AUP is exactly characterized by change, unless you choose to stick with someone throughout the course without pursuing your own interests. To be in a familiar environment with people you know is comforting, and a perfect situation for me to sink in melancholy without fear or concern. That's because I know that even if I don't talk, even if I don't entertain, even if I don't please, there'll still be this few mounds of solid rock to support me from the back, I'm not alone. However, in a strange environment, full of new faces, you're eager to please, desperate to leave a good first impression upon others. Any outward behaviour of moodiness or negativity seems like the worse thing it can do to your  reputation, or image. Even if the truth is far from this, this scenario is already programmed into my stereotyped mind. Uncomfortable. How should it be then?

Why is it that in front of some people I lose my confidence and am unable to communicate well?

And the terror strikes!

Uh-oh. The wave of insecurity, low confidence and loss of belief has hit me, again! This monthly event always wreaks havoc mentally and pulls my self- esteem to the minimum point. Not that the inner turbulence is observable though, since that it is a fad now to becloud your inner emotions, otherwise it will only induce revulsion in others. There isn't much to be exhibited anyway, since that the issues concerned are painfully personal. Fear, fear, always the greatest enemy of humankind. It obstructs your path forward, it dampens your positivity.

Save me!
It's a cycle, just wait for it to pass by.

Principles

Only when you empty your cup, then can you fill it with more. 

Humble yourself at all times, otherwise there will be no space for improvement. 

You will not be able to learn anything new if you continue on being so arrogant and stubborn,

thinking that you can debate your way through life,

refusing to believe or conform to anything,

all because you're too proud to admit that you're incompetent.

Dare to fail, however much embarrassing it may be,

Fall and stand again, 

what's there to lose?

You'll lose much, much more from being so stuck up and stubborn.

Humble yourself!

Empty your cup. 

Failed

Fail to live up to my expectations, really. I try to push myself to stop wasting time but to no avail. Never successful. My mind is always too distracted to do anything else. I want a clear and focused mind, please? Stop floating around me, you annoying thoughts and dramas. Leave me alone in my own quiet corner. Often I have the urge to just scream, scream, scream, scream and scream to release everything out of my heart. Scream and cry, cry, cry, cry and cry. Allow all those frustrations to flow with my salty tears, ever so precious that they will not come out. It will not solve anything though. Everything crashes down again right after that feeling of calm transcends for a second or two. I want to let go, I want to move on. Why is history repeating itself,  I don't know. Am I destined to be that way? How long more will I have to wait? All I can unearth are shortcomings, faults, errors, mistakes thrown in my face. If they had a face, it would be one of an evil smirk. Unbelievable, how can one trip so many times when going through the same path. When are you ever going to learn? Just stop, tidy yourself, do what you have to do, and forget everything else. Everything else. Human emotions can bring destruction. Destruction mentally, then it will go on to wreak havoc physically. If only I were a robot. Malaysian athletes are often criticised for being weak mentally, citing that as the main reason why we cannot progress on that field as others can. I'm the same too. Maybe it's in our genes.

" I don't like triangles, I like circles."
Simple Simon, I envy your life sometimes.
Life according to an equation, a spaceship to hide in when things go awry, when you need to hide for a while. What have we got? Nothing but the crowd, noise, things to do and unspeakable emotions.

Tekkonkinkreet!

This is like a childhood dream realised. Since the last time I saw still shots from this movie on a magazine, I've been hunting it down for years and years. I still wonder why didn't it cross my mind to just google " Watch Tekkonkinkreet online free" in the past, as I did in the present and successfully viewed this beautiful movie, albeit it's compromising quality. The art is exquisite, as expected. Even though the character designs take some getting used to at first, I grew to love it's raw, authentic feel to it. Their expressions were spot-on. The most attractive bit, of course, shall have to go to the scenery. Kudos to the designers! Treasure Town is beautifully designed, conveying every bit of mystique, shabbiness, bustle and darkness perfectly through its weirdly shaped and complicated buildings. That's what attracted me to this movie in the first place, and I've got to say, it wasn't a let down! Ah. It's always wonderful after watching an awesome film.

OK I'LL ADMIT IT

I'M TERRIFIED, TERRIFIED BEYOND MY GUTS TO WRITE. I'M AFRAID THAT MY SKILL ISN'T UP TO OTHERS EXPECTATIONS, INCOMPETENT IN THE FIELD I'M MAJORING IN. NOW ANYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH WRITING I AVOID, PROCRASTINATE, DELAY AND ONLY ATTEMPT TO DO SO WHEN THERE'S NO ONE AROUND.

EH. COWARD.

Bury em!

All these conflicting feelings and thoughts, bury them out of sight, out of mind!
Cease to be affected, continue to live according to will!

How to climb?

Life to me is constantly overcoming hills, mountains, slopes, pits, holes, dumps, valleys, dumps... what else?

So I'm always trying to get over something, because there's always that Something bothering me.

But what if it hurts so much? I hike halfway up that steep slope, only to find tumbling stones pushing me back to where I was, this time with painful wounds and scratches. The sort where you never notice until the blood forms some terrifying pattern on your skin, so thick you can't even identify the source.

I don't know how to get past this particular hill. It grows taller every time after I've reached the peak and feel satisfied, crushing whatever optimism I had there a second ago.

So... how do things go?

Different crowds really make you think differently. They're a group of highly ambitious, work-driven yet fun- loving people. Certainly a great source of motivation, inspiration AND stress. 

Don't worry, I'll catch up to you guys.

Puzzles, juicy puzzles!

Analysing movies are always a fun thing to do. Especially when your theory fits every detail in the the show and the message conveyed can be related to your life. Often times I will only shape my theories after reading tons of online movie reviews( I know, it's pointless that way) but the stuff I believe in normally differs from others, it becomes tailored to suit my thoughts. So maybe that's the reason I never dare to publicly discuss my views on movies because they may deviate so much from the original message. 

Lately this movie, or rather collection of three short films dubbed "Tokyo!" caught my attention. I first saw Shaking Tokyo, by a korean director called Bong Joon Ho some three years ago, without knowing its name, director or movie. It left such a deep impression in my mind that certain scenes in the movie kept appearing in my mind all the time, until I finally found the movie on the internet. The other two short films were inspiring as well, but I have to say, Shaking Tokyo was the best.

I shall post my thoughts about these three films when I'm ready.

I love these buttons. Seems like what I would do :)

Some thing that I can't figure out yet.

Stream

Sometimes I feel like I'm the rock right in the middle of a fast flowing stream.
So, life pasts me by in high speed while I, fail to move at all.
Not that it's a waste of time or anything. I get smoother and slicker from all that water crashing unto me.
For what use? Who knows. It's not as if the water will lift me from  the water bed at any time. I reckon I'll still be around for.... well. quite some time.

Deja Vu! I've become so dependent on that someone, understanding. Resembles someone else in my life too much, of whom, played a big part in moulding me to be whoever I am now.  Eh?

Out of touch. Sometimes it seems as if I put on another mask just to survive in this world, when the true me is totally different from the surface. Quite disappointing, really, when you peep under that facade. There's nothing much there.

Jumble

There's this invisible circle around me that I would not people to intrude. It feels like an invasion of privacy and trust, especially if you come up to me and peek at my screen or ask me what am I doing on the computer.

There's this rage that will suddenly build inside me, for some reason.

Don't trust what I'm doing with the computer? Gah.

Privacy, please. I'm someone who prioritises her space quite a lot.

You know that confused and let-down mind when you search desperately for something, but can't seem to find it anywhere? That distant feeling of disappointment. 

I used to search for it inside books, but they don't give me what I want. They're too extreme.

Then I shifted my search to movies. Some are nearly there, but they still miss that little something, the element that they included to be accepted to the mainstream crowd. Too mainstream. They can't give me what I want. I'm plenty disappointed with these at first seemingly different, meaningful movies but in the end, they give the same thing, don't they? Isn't there some wicked sick film or book that'll tell me something queer, something different, something off the beaten path? 

I'm becoming part of the mould now. More and more of it. I'm beginning to get affected by those menial, useless emotions that I've made myself immune to in the past. Vulnerable, again! But I need to pull, that thread to push me back to reality when I wander too far into my own thoughts and vortex, lost to the world. I want worldly things, but I don't want to use worldly ways, or necessary methods to obtain it.

Short cut.

Dream on.

I have to rearrange my thoughts and emotions before talking to anybody.

Evil, depressing thoughts, leave me alone.

It's self destruction here. I'd rather be destroyed by someone else.

I'm fine, I'm fine. Ignore me Just had to let out some negative emotions.

Peculiar

That sentimental, saddening and despair you feel is sometimes rather soothing. Probably a product of touching movies, sad songs and emotional thoughts. Tear inducing, heart aching. Your view of the world, slightly hazy, tinged with sadness, lacking of hope and vigor, yet with the touch of relief as you decide to accept reality as it is. The bleak truth, it's there, nothing else we can do, except to stand there, hands in pockets, stare at it with tere rolling in your eyes, a desolate smile hanging on your mouth. Yes, that's it, how it's going to be, and I'm ready for what comes next. Accepting the truth.

Curb

It's tiring to be good to nice sometimes.
Don't dare to judge because? Because you're at fault too. Judging only makes you the bad guy. But you need someone to hate, despise, blame on? No, it'll make you evil.

Hey jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

Hey jude, don't be afraid.
You were made to go out and get her.
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

Hey jude, don't let me down.
You have found her, now go and get her.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey jude, begin,
Youre waiting for someone to perform with.
And don't you know that it's just you, hey jude, you'll do,
The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Hey jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her under your skin,
Then you'll begin to make it
Better better better better better better, oh.

Na na na na na ,na na na, hey jude...


Why must songs all be about romance?

CEASE

All these tiny blips and trips. Obstructing my view, only serving to make me more self- absorbed then ever. When was the last time I thought about something else? Other than my own faults, my own desires, my own views, my own feelings, my own thoughts, my own business. I understand that these thoughts are uncontrollable and dominating, without sorting them out you can have no peace of mind to do anything else. But is it really worth it? Do you think that much thinking and worthless worrying will bring you anywhere? Yield any results?

No.

Sometimes I just feel like screaming my lungs out at some desolate place, or lie on a beach, listen to the soothing waves crashing at my feet, without anyone to disrupt me, except for those I feel utterly at home with. Watching movies takes my mind off things, but then I sink into the danger of thinking that I'm part of a movie, I'm the protagonist, and I'm lost. Requiem for a dream, why does it tempt me? Because the filiming techniques exactly portray how I'm feeling most of the time. Lost in my own world, walking through the crowds, unsure of what I am doing or how I am living. It's not healthy, this obsession with hypnotising( not literally, just stuff that make me lost in it) movies and music. Depression signs in, I get more lost then ever.

I'm human, I feel all that too. I always try to see what others don't, so what others see, I don't. Yes, I feel all those human emotions too, yes, my heart is darker then you can imagine. And yes, I care less then I appear to, yet I care more then I say I don't.

CEASE TO CARE, CEASE TO BOTHER.

Broaden your horizons, see more of the world, realise that you're so much better off then many out there. You only have your own menial problems to worry about, how about the others who actually have to worry about surviving? Maybe you need to experience the real, tough world out there.

Sometimes to solve a problem that you've been engrossed in for too long, you need to leave it aside, forget it for a while. Then probably by experiencing more your focus on the problem will be clearer, and the solution brighter.

Stop worrying, stop wasting your life, focus on your future.
I hope I can be who I want to be.

Dawn of realisation

As unimaginative as I can be, whenever someone tells me that our lives are in our hands, I'll always open my palm and stare at it, as if life itself were nestling against it. My fingers will move around and caress that invisible object sitting there, and when the message truly hits my heart, they'll curl up and become a fist.

Sometimes it terrifies me, the notion that our lives are ours to navigate, ours to steer, that we can control over our lives. Probably niggling negative thoughts will seep between those cracks of your optimism, " how about natural tragedies?" " how about accidents?" " how about death?" These are certainly not within our grasp, yet we still possess the key weapon that can turn things around- our perception. What and how you think or perceive something goes a long way. You can choose to be happy, you can choose to be passive, you can choose to be submissive, you can choose to be positive. These will decide your path in the future, you behaviour, attitude of life.

Yet, sometimes we become lethargic with life, with all these fighting, with all these pursuits. It feels relieving to leave things to "fate", as steering one's own life becomes an exhausting mission, to think of how things could be instead of what they are now, as long as we put more effort, or if we didn't take the wrong step. If we went further on, if we persevered, the fruits bore may  be different, then we wouldn't have failed! Maybe, maybe. Maybe we should have tried before giving up? Maybe then life would be different. These all becomes a burden to think of, and we begin to think of letting go, allowing "well, that's life" to be an excuse for not trying. "well, that's just life". But what is "just life"? Isn't life what we make it to be? Isn't everything in life what we decided? What we created?

With great power comes great responsibility. Peter Parker may have taken this literally, but to me, it means our power to take control of our own lives. We've got a responsibility to ourselves to live the best out of it.

But it gets tiring.

 Can I slack?

Surge of emotions

Often times I get this urge to write here when I'm feeling especially confused or hurt over matters in life. Without writing them down, I have a feeling that they just won't be solved, they just won't go away. It's not as if writing down my problems and frustrations will actually provide any solution or assurance, but rather it helps to put things into perspective to myself. So in some sense, blogging is not for others to see, although it is posted publicly but rather, it is more of me, writing to myself. Vague as it may be the themes of my posts, but I would prefer it that way, not due to fear to exposure, instead more to the inability to face these issues head on. I hold on to my pride much stronger then I envision myself to be, hence to bring to surface those matters would be too embarrassing and disconcerting.

The thing that baffles and troubles me is that when I feel the strongest need to write here, I'm often cut off from the resources to doing so. Either it's because that terrible urging seeped up to me in college, whereby it would be too public to type something personal as this, or no computer is in sight for me. They then get lost in my thoughts forever, even if I try to maintain shreds of it inside my conscious mind by writing down bits and pieces of it inside my phone. To no avail, by the time I get home and want to start blogging, the inspiration is gone. Diminished, nothing can be expressed. The feeling of repression omnipresent, as your unexpressed emotions stay locked up within your already weary heart.

I find words to be beautiful, how they can describe something so profoundly, by just reading an ordinary passage of words, what you can feel from it. People who can describe their emotions precisely so much as to influence you to feel the same too are the sort of writers that I admire. Someday I hope to achieve that too, to be able to put my feelings, thoughts and emotions into words, accurately, detailed and clear.

Turbulent, that's all I can describe of my heart lately. A lot of thoughts on different subjects keep appearing in my mind. To be truthful, I rather like having stuff to mule about inside my head, so that when I'm alone and without any form of entertainment these thoughts will keep me preoccupied. I call them my thought bytes. I never come into any conclusion about these trivial stuff going through my mind, hence I can't say that they're beneficial in any way. They're probably detrimental, seeing as it makes me antisocial and lost in my own world. For some reason, the atmosphere in a moving vehicle is rather "thought provoking", which, my mum seems to take for me being "moody". It's not nice to be interrupted when you're deep in thought, just as how annoying it is to be when you're watching a television programme.

I find it amazing that most of my problems stem from my own flaws, my own faults. It's like they all can be eradicated if I truly wanted to, it's as if they all seemed so menial compared to others. Yet they bug me all the same, they throw me into the deepest valleys. Sometimes I think that I've changed for the better, I've left the past me that I so detested behind, that I'm way over those past mistakes. Reality checks always prove me wrong, and I find myself in the same situations over and over again. I'm still the same person, I'm still me. It would not be because of humbleness that I say I don't like myself, yet probably a bit of perfectionist streak and disappointment that makes that up.

I'm still who I used to be. He prompted me to step out of my comfort zone last time, she inspired me to be a better person, she provided a role model for me to follow. I saw the light, a bigger, better world out of the little hole that they cracked open on my shell. After years of encouragement, errors, failures I finally took the first step out of that shell. Elated at first, I was, to see this whole vast world in a different perspective and realise that I had the potential, that I could do more then I thought of. I was better then I imagined. So I rode on that cloud of confidence for a little while, before cracks began to appear again and threaten to destroy my new found confidence. It did take a toll, but not by too big a measure, fortunately. It just serves to humble me and remind myself of that long road ahead to take. When will the journey of self discovery and change end then? Will there ever be a time when you will be satisfied with being who you are, and learn to love yourself truly?

I always refrain myself from criticizing or judging people. Being a good girl schooled since young to remember that I have a speck of wooden splinter in my eye when I point that others have some sawdust in theirs, it seemed unfair to judge others when I myself have problems as well. Before I even THINK about others, I will mentally review myself if I have that flaw too, and try in all ways to rationalize their actions, see it from their point of view before making any comment, for fear of judging others on unfair grounds. Alas, nothing can be judged. Nothing. Since that everything is justified. There are so many commendable values on others that I envy and would love to learn for, sometimes these overshadow the fact that they're not perfect too. Not that I want to intentionally pick out faults on others, but with all these admiration for others, I tend to slip into self pity and ignore all my own strengths too. Not a lot, mind that. I remember how I used to hate perfect seeming people.

Again

The future is terrifying! It's like a half-lit road, and you're unsure of what to expect there, but you need to go through it to reach the other end. So you take the risk, but you're so wrapped in fear that your imagination runs wild, scares you, intimidates even the bravest of souls.

I feel detached often times.
Often times.

Conversation

Talking to them always makes me want to improve myself. Different people have different personalities, different crowds have different environments. Compared to empty talks or worthless craps, conversation with substance can promote thinking and introduce previously unknown knowledge unto one's mind. I'll admit,  I found it pretty interesting when we started with talking about personal stuff, only to realise that it was really hard to express those deeply embedded thoughts inside our hearts. After endless sighs and stuck expressions, it was actually quite relieving for the transition of conversation topics into more general subjects. I can talk about these stuff with no one else except for my family members, but I already know their stance as I've heard it for so many years. Thus it was refreshing to listen to a new viewpoint from my friends. How often can you find friends to talk about such serious subjects without being seen as being a solemn sourpuss or boring adult wannabe? Maybe that's why we can be so close, maybe that's why we can talk for hours and hours every time we meet. Let it be that our friendship is different from others, unique.

But sometimes I wonder if it is healthy. A relationship like ours, unable to share our innermost feelings. Or is there a lack thereof such intimate things to share? I'll admit I don't have much to say about that matter, except for some queer thoughts and analogy that I possess and feel to shy to share. Not that anyone would be interested. Or can understand, of course. But romance wise, ordinary day-to-day living wise stories, I suffer from a lack of it. How people can have so much to talk about, I can never understand. Although sometimes when they discussed economics( which, I admit, I suck) I keep quiet, but it doesn't mean I'm bored or uninterested. On the contrary, I'm intrigued. And humbled too, as I realised there's just too much in this world that I do not know. There's this vast pool of knowledge awaiting me to uncover.

Maybe our personality, or mine is obstructing us from sharing into a deeper, intimate level. I think time will solve that problem for us, and our current way of communicating suits me very much. I don't share well, I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve, I don't display myself on the surface. It'll probably take some time for those inner turbulence to be detectable, or for me to rummage them from those dusty ancient drawers. But that's just me.

Similarities draw us together.

I love us :)

Not that I detest other forms of communications, of course. In the process of learning to open myself up right now.

Did I mention I get confused easily? Ah. I don't want to fall for something that I know how the end product would be. Oh imagination, come back, come back.

Inspiring

想自由

曲：鄭楠　詞：姚若龍

每個人都缺乏什麼
我們才會瞬間就不快樂
單純很難　包袱很多
已經很勇敢　還是難過

許多事情都有選擇
只是往往事後我才懂得
情緒很煩　說話很衝
人和人的溝通　有時候沒有用

或許只有妳　懂得我
所以妳沒逃脫
一邊在淚流　一邊緊抱我
小聲地說　多麼愛我

只有妳　懂得我
就像被困住的野獸
在摩天大樓　渴求　自由

一路嗅著追著美夢
爬上屋頂意外跌得好重
不覺得痛　是覺得空
城市的幻影　有千百種

就算愛也會變冷的
可是現在抱的妳是暖的
我不曉得　我不捨得
為將來的難測　就放棄這一刻

Jump!

I only chose to watch this movie because it seem like a light hearted, funny movie that boasts superb dance moves. Not much expectation was held for it until Stephen Chau's name rolled in at the opening credits.

Oh.
This is a work of an accomplished producer and director.

Hope bar raises, then gets crushed quite horribly.

Halfway through the movie, I could already predict the ending, and I wasn't impressed by the dance scenes at all. Think of Step Up, think of take the lead, and these moves can only be an amateur's. Not much was being offered on screen, what with the cliche script and mediocre cinematography.

However, thanks to Stephen Chau's trademark style and joke, the movie was saved, and entered the safety zone. Together with the sort of movies you watch only once, just for the laugh and distraction.

The plot was fast- tracked, every event happening back to back but without placing much burden onto the viewer's mind.

But sometimes the simplest things remind you of the most important things. Though straightforward and naive, the message conveyed holds great meaning and influence unto our lives. Dreams. When was the last time I thought about it? Or even strived to achieve it? Just like how the girl wanted to become a dancer, which was near to impossible from the other's eyes, she persevered. Even though she was dead tired by the end of the day, she didn't give up. Even though she was ridiculed and looked down upon, she wanted to prove herself. These seem so surface, so innocent and stupid even when you hear about it yet when you really watch the movie, somehow beyond those sarcastic little laughs and comments you make, somewhere deep inside you feel some resonance.

It's time to move on!
Work harder

Time, my friend and foe

Sometimes I think that my living room clock will run away. Everyday, my pair of eyes will burn holes through them, either wishing those three tiny little arms of it will turn faster or halt all movement. Poor little thing, it must live in fear and insecurity all this time, without any privacy or leisure. It has to continue running at all costs, no matter the desire of its owner. Only its metallic heart can dictate its life, and end it when the charges stop flowing. 

In the past, time was my friend when it approached six o' clock in the evening. I would switch on the television and spend an hour watching my favourite cartoons. In just half an hour, time becomes my foe, especially when the hour approaches seven. 

Now, time is my foe when I have fun. As if it were in for revenge, the older I grow, the stronger those three little arms become and the faster they move. They probably smirk with delight whenever I waste my time and look at the clock in dismay after spending time watching movies when I should be studying. 

Suddenly, July is right at the corner. How fast time flies, I haven't gotten a grasp of it yet. Time is slipping through my fingers without me even realising that I had sand on my hand. That's how bad it is.

I feel as if I'm very far away from my dreams. My ambition. That sad excuse of a movie actually achieved something after all, with it's naive and innocent message of " follow your dreams! Believe in yourself and it shall come true!". When was the last time I properly thought about my future and took steps towards materialising it? I've been too caught up in life, with all those tiny little blips that temporarily blind me, trip me. I can already feel the oncoming regret when I want to apply for colleges only to realise that I have nothing impressing on my transcript, that I don't have enough experience, that I don't qualify for the course. Or worse, then I finish my studies, and realise that I don't suit what I studied. That my decision was incorrect.

Truth to say, the future fills my with fear sometimes. I get panicked, terrorised when I think about what I should be, what I should do that I'm not doing currently. That I should join more activities, gain more experience, read more books, be more concerned about world issues. I want to join an editorial board, I want to support an environmental cause, I want to think critically, I want to improve my communication skills. Instead of wasting my everyday this way, lounging around the living room all day surfing Facebook, watching movies, it's my life I'm losing. And yet whenever I get absorbed into my current life, all these seems insignificant to me. But once I'm alone, calm and begin to think. They flood onto me. 

What should I do about my future? It seems as if the barrier keeping me from moving forward, other then complacency and laziness is lack of confidence. I don't have the necessary skills, or the capability to ace in this field. What if I fail? What if I can't find a job? What if they won't accept me? What if I regret the decision I make now?

Aiesec, wwf, green foundation. I missed these chances, why?

Because I was too caught up in my current life.

I always complain that I don't have enough time, but truth to say a lot of it were lost in useless stuff. I can have more time, if I wanted to.

So, I feel like typing

Writing soothes one's mind, really. Or at least, it does to me. For some reason, transport vehicles have a sleep inducing effect on me. Whenever I'm on one, I always nod off unconsciously. One of the many reasons I can't figure out my way home, since that I fall asleep half way all the time. But I really enjoy the solitude of taking public transport alone, either by reading peacefully without anyone's interruption, or staring at the moving scenes outside the huge clear windows. Paul Theroux's travels intrigue me, especially by how he seems to have an implied meaning behind his every description and statement. To read it blindly word for word will only present you with paragraphs of pointless writings but if you think deeper into it, there's more then what you see. I love that about him. He makes a good reading material when you're on the road. Not too deep, not too heavy, and not cheesy at all.

I get confused at times. welllllllll.

When you begin to yearn

Is the start of torture. To learn to want, to desire, makes you desperate and greedy. Once you've gotten a tiny sip of it, you become greedy and can't help seeking for more, that whatever that you've once thought satisfiable becomes insufficient to please you any more.

Desire, then gradually lose it.

That feeling sucks.

Sometimes

Sometimes negative feelings just hit me out of the blue, right at my face. It's worse when that happens during the day, when I'm in classes, with friends, out of contact from those closest to me, away from anything that can distract me from the moment. All I want to do is go home.

A little confused right now. Who I am seems not to be who I thought I am. When I envy others, I don't realise what is it about them that I envied in the first place, when they rebut me with their inquiries of why, of all people, I think they're fine, they're perfect. Fine, I have the tendency to idealize people in my mind, once I see a quality of them that I find admirable, everything about that person will most probably seem as rosy and enviable as well. Then I lose myself in self- pity, thinking that I have none while the other has all. When the truth dawns, everything seems otherwise.

I'm battling with those conflicting thoughts and emotions now. So what does it mean to like someone? Is it just purely the feeling, that little stir in your heart when you see the person or does it depend on how compatible your beliefs and habits are with the other person? If you feel that attraction there, but can't accept certain aspects of the other party, then is it still considered as liking? Is it still justified to let yourself indulge in that feeling? Or should it be halted? Since it will come to nothing, might as well severe the ties before it gets deeper. How about when you know the outcome will not be a pretty one? Ah. I want to just let go and be normal.

Secrets can sometimes trip you on the foot. You get so entangled with all these secrets, ones that you know, ones that you aren't suppose to know, ones that you want to know, ones that you are ignorant of. They can spoil a relationship.

I can't say I know how to communicate, and I'm serious when I say that. People may disagree with me, and I've given up trying to explain but it's the raw, bare truth. How to get into a more intimate level with others? I'm clueless to that. My true personality is not pleasing, nor favourable probably to the mainstream fun-loving, sociable people. I can't share. Or rather, there's nothing to share.

i actually admire your way of talking to others, i admire how you treat others, and i admire your relationship. yeah.

There are instances when i'm totally speechless and don't know what conversation topics to broach upon with others. Or how to reply.

This is one of them.

hm.