Time is running out

So here I am again to try and hold myself accountable.  Since my last post I have not been able to come back to blog or share.  I had been trying really hard to not break into pieces instead and to hold myself together but somehow I think I did break. I think I did crawl into a black hole and stayed there for a while.  I am not fully ok and I'm not out of the dark but compared to alot of people in this world I am so blessed.  I am luckier than most people and here I am trying to make the best of it.

I need to.  I need to break out of my crap and live my last remaining years with purpose so here I am trying to make the best of it.  Trying to leave some wisdom to the people I care desparately for and maybe even my boy.  So I will start and I choose to leave some of my musings to this world again.  I chose.  I will.  I will.

Years and years...

Its has been years... years since I posted or talked or even shared what's been going on with my life.  There has been pain and sadness.  There has been joy and laughter.  There has been worries.  Lots and lots of worries that I never expected.  God only gives you what you can handle and sadness that you can bear but today with a heavy heart I feel broken again.  More so than any other days...  I'm tired.  I still have power and strength and will today but I think I'm really running out and I know that unless I do something or change something I may no longer have anything left in me to share.  If I do not stem the outflow and do something to recharge, I am going to damage myself like an old battery that can no longer hold any charge and I don't want that.  I may not be a perfect person or a strong person or have anything different but I am a person.  I have thoughts and will and a desire to live.  I waver though.  The wavering is what scares me. It is that dark feeling that I do not want to take over me. I may blog about them eventually but truly the experience you go through is what makes you.  The old adage what does not kill you only makes you stronger.  They forget to add that it can also dull your spirit and make you doubt yourself.

So...

Today... while I am diffusing Young Living Motivation essential oil for the first time, I am opening up my blog again and making myself accountable.  I want to live my life for myself and at least really try to add a spark here and there. A number of crazy things keep happening and bad luck or maybe I should call them strong forewarnings keep coming my way that I think I can no longer keep quiet.  The scream that I am keeping in me keeps wanting to come out.  The anger that I douse out all the time keeps coming back and burning and I think I need to take stock before I go nuts and lose it or maybe even suffer a heartache from all the stress.

So...

This is what I am planning to do.

When people find out that they have a terminal illness, they usually only have months to live.  Doctors usually say you have 3 to 6 months.  Lots of changes can happen and lots of people have lived inspiringly till their last days.  I don't have any physical illness that I know I am suffering from but I know I am probably bordering on depression.  I am stressed to the max both on the family and work forefronts.  I am trying to be superwoman when I am only an ordinary cranky girl.  Now I can't say I am only a girl.  I am a woman with some life experiences already with google as my friend, I thought three month is roughly 100 days and I think I read somewhere about a 100day challenge and seen the hashtags.  Yes I know about hashtags.

So...

Google is what I did and I found the 100 Day Challenge website.  Which is inspiring and I signed up with my email to get the Finish Strong Checklist but I do not want to spend $177 and I am only trying to find some inspiration not sign up for something that I know I would not be able to fully make use of.  The site did tell me some things.  I have 100 days left till the end of the year 31st Dec and the last 100 days start on the 22nd Sept which is 2 days from today.  

Two more articles that I read - 

https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/want-to-achieve-a-big-goal-in-100-days-join-club-or-more-accurately-group.html

https://www.inc.com/bill-murphy-jr/there-are-100-days-left-in-2017-heres-how-to-achieve-your-most-important-goal-before-year-ends.html

was the tipping point that made me decide to do something today.  That made me come back here again.  I want to stop feeling broken. I want to live.  I want to laugh.  I am 42 and if I don't do something soon, I am going to be looked down upon when I don't deserve it.  I have 100 days left till 2018.  If I don't die making a better life for myself and making myself better then I truly deserve all the crap that I have been getting.  But I know.  I know I am better than that.  I know that if I don't get strong myself other people will not be able to rely on me.  I know that if I don't get back to the bright-eyed smart woman that I am I won't be able to be happy.  I know that I am getting older now and I am getting smaller and smaller and duller and duller by the day because I am losing myself so I need to stop the loss and I need to add back joy and love and laughter to myself.  I don't need to shine but I can twinkle and I need ME.  I need to add ME back before I am gone and I can no longer get ME back.