Peru - One Year Later

Last year, our hearts were pulled to go to Peru on a mission trip.  We weren't exactly sure why.  I'm sure when asked, we gave a pretty good explanation.  Something like, "I love children." "I want to show Jesus to those who need Him." or "I just feel called to do more."  All of these are great reasons to go serve and show God's love.  This year, as I was contemplating why I was returning, things were much different.

 In 2011, I went to Peru just knowing that God had 'something' bigger for me.  I wasn't sure what that vague 'something' was.  We were excited and expecting our third child.  Life was good.  And I couldn't ask for anything else.  It was my turn to give.

Well, anyone who has ever been on a mission trip knows that you somehow end up receiving more than you give.  Somehow the rolls reverse, and you become the receiver as well as the giver.  Oddly enough, I didn't know exactly how much I had received until I returned. 

 We went to Peru last year blind.  Or maybe the word is naive.  Unfamiliar with the hurts of this world.  Distanced from pain.  The pain that causes you to search, question, and completely depend on God.  We didn't even have a chance to begin to process our week in Peru last year until we were hit in the face with our own pain.  The only thing we knew for sure was we had fallen in love with the children of Segrada Familia and that God was working in that place.

So, as we talked about returning or not, there were a lot of things on my heart.  This trip marked the beginning of a year of pain like I had never known before.  But it also marked a year of God like I had never known.  I knew there would be a certain kind of pain in returning.  Pain of what I should have, of remembering last year, of seeing abandoned children, and of telling our story all over again.  So while I questioned whether or not I wanted to go back, I knew I HAD to go back.  This year, I knew without a doubt why I was going to Peru...HOPE.

 I have hope.  I have the best kind of hope, the hope in Jesus Christ.  The hope in knowing I will be with Him for eternity.  That He loves me, died for me, and will never leave me.  And when my world was falling in around me, that hope was all I had to hold on to.  When I thought about the children thousands of miles away that I had fallen in love with last year, I suddenly felt a deep sense of longing. A longing for each and every one of them to know and feel the same hope I have.  Because how can you survive a life that many of them have without the hope of Jesus?

I Love You Lord

I Love You Lord, a sweet tribute from Southern Hills Church on Vimeo.

This is the video of the song Craig sang with the help of these wonderful men at Cade's service.  It was a beautiful way to honor God in such a hard time in our lives.  I am so proud of my amazing husband!

Please tell him

 Lord, today I am missing my little boy.  I know he is safe and happy with you, and that makes me smile, but my mommy heart is hurting and longing for him.  Besides the fact that I will never have the chance to get to know him, he will not get to know me either.  Please tell him about his mommy.  Please tell him how much I love him.  Please hug him and kiss him the way I would.  Please tell him about me.  Tell him about the things I like, and the things I don’t, how I look and how I smell, the sound of my voice and my tender touch.  Tell him how much I love to read books and sing songs to his sisters, and how I wish I could with him too.  Please tell him how much I wish I could see him grow.  Tell him how I don’t know how to play with boys, but would give anything to have the chance to play with him.  Please tell him I would never let him play football, but would be his biggest fan in any other sport.  Please tell him I’m fun and funny, and quiet and caring.  Please tell him all about me, God.  There is no one better to tell him about me than you.  For you, Lord, know me better than I know myself.  So today, God, I am asking you to not only be Cade’s Heavenly Father but to show him his earthly mommy.

WATER!!!

"They will neither hunger nor thirst.  The searing sun will not reach them anymore.  For the Lord in his mercy will lead them; he will lead them beside cool waters."  Isaiah 49:10

 I cannot describe the feeling I had after seeing these beautiful pictures.  This well represents so much.  It provides a small village in Uganda of about 400 people with clean water to drink.  That means these precious people will no longer have to drink polluted diseased water.  Illness will be reduced and these sweet babies will have the hope of living.

Look at those faces!  Are they not beautiful?!  I hope that these babies and many more will be given life because of this well.  Because of something as simple as clean water, these sweet faces will see another day.  But it is so much more than that!

As these children grow and thrive, they are given a chance to become something, someone.  They are able to grow and learn and hopefully make a difference for someone else.  They could build, invent, or create.  They could love, teach, and serve.  What will they become?  Who will they touch?

But most importantly, these people will live another day to learn about the love of Jesus.  They now have an opportunity to hopefully learn about who this man was that loves them so much that he died for them.

Not only does this well provide hope for people thousands of miles away, it provides hope for me as well.  Seeing my sweet baby's name and birthdate on that well brought a tear to my eyes and a smile to my face at the same time.  This well means Cade made a difference.  He mattered.  He did something in this world.  God used Cade's life to make a powerful impact to so many people we don't even know.  I pray God be glorified in this.

"For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory.  All glory to him forever! Amen." Romans 11:36

Remembering

The healing process has it's ups and downs.  Both Physically and emotionally.  Physically, there are days that I feel great.  I wake up feeling energized and ready for the day.  We go places, start projects, play games and then, I hit a wall.  Hard.  So hard I end up crashing for about 3 hours.  I try to remind myself that I has been less than 3 weeks since I had major surgery.  But sometimes that is hard to wrap my mind around.  I don't have any tangible reminders, besides a 6 inch scar, of that surgery.  There is no baby crying, no night time feedings, no teeny diapers to change that remind me of that day.  Just pictures.  And memories.

The emotional healing is nothing you can prepare for.  My girls are such beautiful distractions.  They are so fun and full of life.  They run and play, laugh and giggle.  The house is full of the sounds of childhood.  Little girls squealing with delight, princesses dancing at the ball, and sister's pushing each other's buttons.  It is a beautiful sound.  Most days, I keep myself busy being mommy to these two little angels.  Then, bedtime comes and I am lonely.  I'm missing something.  I'm missing a third little angel to put to bed.  The one that should have been here all day hearing the same sweet sounds of his sisters.

It's not that I don't think about Cade during the day.  I catch myself daydreaming about what he would have been or how he would have fit into our family all the time.  They just seem to be happier moments, not moments when I just let myself miss him.  I need to miss him just as much as I need to be distracted.  Both are good places to be.

Time passing is a strange feeling now.  I know that each week, day, hour is one more closer to seeing him again.  But then again, each week, day, hour is one more further away from what I knew of him.  How long will my human mind hold that memory?  It is still so fresh in my mind.  The way he felt and smelled. What he looked like.  All the sweet memories of that one sweet day we held him in our arms.  I don't want to loose those memories.

The saying, "time will heal" is not very comforting to me right now.  I suppose because to me that means that my human memories will begin to fade.  And the more they fade, the further away he seems.  I still want him close.  I want to touch him, kiss him, hold him.  Just like I did on the day he was born.  Those memories are the closest I can be to him right now.  So I am holding on with all my might.  How do I let the pain heal without loosing the memories?

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

Hope in the midst of Hurt

As part of our graveside service for Cade, Craig and I spent some time praying over and reflecting upon our hurts and hopes during this journey so far. We wrote those down and they were shared with our family and friends. We feel it is appropriate to share them here also. My hope in sharing the deepest parts of my heart here is to declare that as Christians, we have a hope that is far greater than our hurt. Yes, we are hurt. No, we don't understand many things. No, things are not okay. We are hurt. Our hearts have been torn in two. But, we have a hope that surpasses our hurts. Our hope is in our Lord.

JoDee's Hurts and Hopes:

There have been more feelings through this journey than I even have words to describe. Some of the biggest can fall into the category of ‘hurts’. It hurts that our dreams have been shattered. We all have dreams for our lives. Mine included having children. When I found out we were pregnant with each child, I began to dream about that child. This time was no different. Would it be a boy or a girl? What would he/she look like? What would their little personality be like? What gifts would they have? It hurts that those dreams were brought to a sudden stop so early. I had twenty weeks to dream about a happy life with this child I carried.

It hurt to find out Cade was a boy. Our little boy! God had given us a boy this time! Only to find out that same day, that we could not keep that little boy. I could not raise him, hold him when he cried, see him smile and laugh, kiss him, rock him, feed him, change him, dress him. All the things mommies get to do with little boys.

It hurt to feel him move inside me and know that he would not move the same way after we delivered him. With each punch or kick I felt, I smiled, but knew I would not see him crawl, walk or run. It hurt to know I would never hear his little voice. Not only would I not hear him speak, but I would not hear him cry.

I also hurt for Craig and my girls. I wanted Craig to have a little boy. It hurts to know he will not be able to have a son to raise. He has so many things to teach a boy. It hurts that I will not get to watch him love and teach Cade. He will not get to raise that little boy into a wonderful man like he is. It hurts that Adilyn and Audrey will not get to play with and love on their brother as they grow up. They have such sweet and motherly little hearts. I know they would be great big sisters. Adi has had a chance to be a big sister, and she is great at it. She loves being the boss and teaching Audrey how to do things. It hurts to know she will not get that chance to be a big sister to Cade. And Audrey...what kind of big sister would she have been? She couldn’t stop kissing and hugging her baby brother in the hospital. It hurts that I will not be able to see her play with him and love on him and watch her grow into a great big sister as well.

Selfishly, it hurts that I have to endure the process and recovery of a C-section without the blessing of taking my baby home at the end of the day. It hurts that my body has milk to feed a hungry baby but no baby to nurse.

but...

Because of my God, I have bigger hopes. I know that God is bigger and greater and more powerful than I. He knows first hand the hurts of my heart and the pains of this world. My hope is that through Cade’s life, someone will be blessed. I hope that others can see the immense love we had for our baby boy. I hope that God will use baby Cade’s story to somehow help other children. Maybe those children have yet to be born and may not get the chance to. Maybe they have already been born and are not blessed with earthly parents who can love and care for them. I hope that in someway, God will use Cade’s story will provide those children love and hope. I hope that God will use Cade to help us teach our girls about God’s love for us. I hope that our hearts will be tuned with God’s. That we will see God’s touch in our lives daily, not just in our blessings or in our trials, but daily as we walk with Him. I hope that all of us will get to see and hold Cade again. Because my hope is greater than my hurt. My hope is in Jesus!

Craig's Hurts and Hopes:

I really wanted to raise a boy.

I wanted to do it the way I pictured it.

I wanted to be able to teach him some of the things my dad taught me.

I wanted to be able to teach him about old cars, riding motorcycles and flying airplanes.

I wanted to teach him about Jesus and why we love Him so much.

I wanted that father/son relationship.

I had a picture of what this was suppose to look like and this is not it. I’m hurt because God didn’t give us what we thought we needed... which is a life filled with many years of having Cade around. Why didn’t He heal him miraculously like we prayed for so much? I’m not supposed to be burying my own child and it hurts. I’m hurt that JoDee had to endure the pain of giving our family a child and now has to go through recovering from that surgery while grieving the lose of Cade. It hurts to have to see my girls excitement about their new baby brother, then have to explain to them why we don’t have him anymore (the very next day). I don’t believe God caused this, but He did allow it... why didn’t He stop it or change it? This whole situation isn’t what we wanted... and I’m hurt that our family has to endure such heartache.

but.

My hope is in Christ Jesus who died for a wicked and sinful world. My hope is in the fact that I don’t have to be strong because God is strong. I don’t have to bare the weight of this, God is. I don’t have to question everything on earth because God already conquered it. And I don’t have to understand this situation because God understands it... and that has to be good enough for me. I love reading Job 38 because it reminds me of how different I am than God. I’ll read a part of it: Job 38 1-12.

Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said: "Who is this that obscures my plans with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know! Who stretched a measuring line across it? On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone - while the morning stars sand together and all the angels shouted for joy? Who shut up the sea behind doors when it burst forth from the womb, when I made the clouds its garment and wrapped it in thick darkness, when I fixed limits for it and set its doors and bars in place, when I said, 'This far you may come and no farther; her is where your proud waves halt'? Have you ever given orders to the morning, or shown the dawn its place...

His power and plans are far greater than anything I can see so I look forward to seeing what outcomes God has in store for His people through this hardship.

A huge hope/promise... that I will see Cade again and I look forward to that day when we are reunited so I can hold him again. Next, I hope God continues His relentless pursuit of my heart. From the very beginning of this (starting last year with a little “tug” to go to an orphanage in Peru) I believe God has been preparing us and calling us to Himself. He knew that we needed to be in Abilene, so he called us to move back home. He knew that we needed to go to Peru for many reasons... the kids, the relationships formed there, the relationships developed with Ricky and Cindy, with Phil and Donna and with all the other couples that went to Peru. He knew that we needed to get to know the a very special couple so He has lead us down almost the exact same path (at the same time). This couple were 2 weeks ahead of us in delivery date, diagnosed with similar outcomes, live down the road from us, had all the same doctors we did, delivered on the same day as we did, our babies lived for about the same length of time, we were next door to them after the deliveries and recovered from surgery across the hall from each other. I think God is telling us that this is a couple that we need to get to know better. All of this is not by mistake... these things are happening because God is in control of all things, and I’m excited to see all He has in store to bring glory back to Himself through Cade’s life.

We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. In Him our hears rejoice, for we trust in His holy name. May you unfailing love be with us, Lord, even as we put our hope in you. Psalm 33:20-22

Remembrance Service

Celebration of life and remembrance service for our sweet Cade will be held at Southern Hills Church of Christ at 11:00 am on Friday, October 14.

In lieu of flowers or other remembrance gift, please send donations to bless the children of Segrada Familia-La Communidad de Los Ninos in Lima Peru care of Southern Hills Church of Christ.