gracia's say

_gracia's say_

syf assessment is finally over...they gt a merit...

i heard e news while i was enjoying mi bowl of chu shu ramen in ajisen...*opps*

yea...i didnt go for e competition tt dae...szeming asked mi y i didnt go...i sae no one informed mi...den she sae...no one informed her too...she was e one who found it out herself...she oso sae she wanted to b part of it...all i sae to her was..."good for you"...

if i didnt experience wat i did e pass few wks, i will haf attended e competition...but since i was a demoraliser (if there's such a word) i decided it was better for mi not to go...n i WAS part of e event since jan, so though i wasnt there on tt dae...im still part of it...for sure...

im not like e other majors...im a nt-so-impt person in e band...mi stand in e band is still not as strong as those who were majors back den...but yet...i was wan to part of all e events...b it playing or jux helping...i was always there...even during A level period...i was lied to miself...tt's its okie for mi to b alone...but always...i noe...its not okie to b alone...

i will nv feel impt n appreciated in tis band animore...mayb cox i complaint too much...mayb i was asking too much...i mayb a part of e band...but i play a small part...if u imagine a box of puzzel...i feel like an extra piece threw into tt box...a wrong piece in e box...

though i like e band n i do really love music...i will nv feel like im part of e band...nv again...

sometimes...i like to bluff miself...but i hope tis time it'll b true...

awaiting for 15 May 2006...

to himb...

_to himb..._

well...cut short all i wanna sae n jux sae e most impt...

good luck for e assessment tomole! =)

i mayb sad...but i will still smile... =)

_i mayb sad...but i will still smile... =)_

yup...its been almost a wk liao...since i leave hiband...its tough...but i will still do it...

although i went back on mondae...i didnt get miself involved with band...when i noe tt there's full attd n things were better n all 3 other alumni exco were back...e 1st ting i knew tt happen was...e tears...which ive been holding back for a LONG time...jux flow out...

i dun really noe y too...mayb...i was angry...i mayb sad too...but it mayb due to stress too...though i dun really noe e ans...i noe mi tears jux flow out...i wanted to go punggol beach...but see leng stopped mi...so i end up walking back to compass frm hougang...see leng meet mi tt nite...though it was really last min...had ice cream...i was feeling better...mayb coz of e walk...i was walking n crying...haix...in public...but it feels gd though... =) see leng...thanks...really really really appreicate it... =)

there was band on wed...but...i still didnt go...in fact...i met up with jiarong...we went to esplanade...tt's e onli place i feel like going tt dae...actually wanted to go alone...but she was free to go with mi...so...im glad i had a friend to tag with mi...or else...i really dunno wat foolish stuff i may do...i seriously dunno...

i was amazed...i mean...though i noe tt place...i didnt look into its beauty...we saw little crabs...fishes at e river...we sat under e sun...taking e breeze...we went to e roof...to e library walked here n there...i love tt place...i feel like going there again...i really love it...

though i feel like studying n prac piano...i seriously gt no mood to do so...all i can do is sit n stare or watch anime...yup...im sad...but...i will keep smiling...no matter wat...i will not allow mi legs to bring mi back to e skool...i will not let mi heart control mi mind...

hiband...if anione of u r reading tis...tis is wat i haf to sae to u guys as for now...

i noe some of u r happy tt im nt going back to band...or mayb MOST or ALL of u r glad...u may sae ive sae demoralising tings...but look back...im stating e fact...ting bout e times u fall hard due to failure...how did u feel?angry?sad?piss? i REALLY dun wan to see u all feel tt way on e 22nd april 2006...tt's y i sae those stuff...seriously...e image i had at SCH last yr is really bery clear in mind still...wheneve i hear u all shout "DISTINCTION" i start to worry...not tt i dun believe u all cant get it...but i was afraid we may haf another huge fall again...mayb our generation gap is a big huge...but i hate to see u guys cry...

ive worked so long with u all...those who i haf see since sec1 is grading tis yr...some already left...i like seeing mi juniors leave tis band with a smile on their...knowing tt they haf put in their upmost effort in tis band...bringing e band glory...n not a junior who feels like a failure for nt bringing e band with some kind of award or wat-so-ever...

my dear band members...though i noe many of u may nt b reading tis...but i will still sae it...who noes...i may sae it again to u guys or someone else down e road of mi life journey...e results at e end of e dae is not e most impt ting...its e process which is e most impt...e most grateful of all...tink...tink of all e tings u all did together...e effort u all put in together...e experience...e lessons learnt...e friends who were there to pull u up when u r done...blah...its all these lessons which will bring u a results...not onli e words...its e process...

mi instructor in srband always sae to us...e process of a competition/exam is more impt than e ending...what u prepare will b shown during e end...but if u lose out during e process...no matter wat e result is at e end...u learn nth at e end of e dae...compared to one who really expericence e process whole heartedly...mr tan's words...which haf been with mi for many yrs...coz it has such a great impact...will always b rmbed by mi...n i will share it wif u guys...again...no matter wat e result is...gd or bad...u'll haf onli 24hrs to b happy or sad bout it...den u'll haf to get along with life...

dun ever live wif regrets...e feeling is no gd...coz i noe it...i experience it twice...n let mi tell u guys sth...i learnt much during e process of both syf n e assessment with u guys...

i wish u all gd luck for e assessment n await gd news frm u all... =)

well...tt's wat i really wan sae to e band...well...i noe little will b seeing tis...but He who is above...i hope will bring mi msg across somehow... =)

yea...im sad leaving e band so suddenly...in fact im not use to it...but i wanna do sth which i nv do b4...

so though im sad...i will still smile... =)

she lost e will to carry on...

_she lost e will to carry on..._

yup...n there's mi...

i saw e tag on mi tag board...n i tink i may noe who its frm...n im going to haf mi reply here...on mi blog...to tt person n to e band members n whoever else who wans to noe y im really leaving for e time being till AGM...

can u spell appreciation?i tink most...in fact all of u can spell it...but can u show it?ive been with e band so long...thru-out mi a level daes...im always back...but nv once i feel appreciated...sometimes...nt even frm e teachers n e instructors...im oso a human...i need to feel tt mi help is worth it...but nope...i dun feel like im wanted n needed...i feel like as though im a current member of e band who's responsibilty is to b there and nt like a alumni...i feel like a irritating fly going back to help...

i noe tt there r some band members...some pple bad mouthing mi all e while when im wking with e band...but i always push all tis problems aside...but...it sometimes jux come back...despite e fact of mi parents nt wanting mi back to help...im still doing it...though i keep telling miself i'll haf to stop helping...im still always doing it...wat for?jux for all e stupid faces...all e bad mouthing...all e sad faces...all e...all e bad stuffs...

i regretted during syf...last yr...so i actually told miself...i dun wan to regret again...but somehow...it jux gt to e limit...i seriously cannot carry on...i dun haf e strenght e will to carry on...i haf to stop on tis track n rest now...mi friends are telling mi to stop...but i keep telling miself its nt e time yet...but i tink...e time is finally here...i really need to stop...

yes...i haf nice memories with e band...but most of e time...its e bad memories appearing...no matter how hard i try to recall e gd times...hiband is nt like srband...in srband in can recall e gd memories n nt e bad ones...coz at least in srband...i haf friends supporting mi...in hiband...i dun feel e same like when im a student there...

everytime i tell miself...its okie tt other alumni r nt down helping e band wif mi...as long as there's one alumni cuming down to help at least...its okie...its okie if its mi again...nvm...i can do it...but...its seem like im wrong...a alumni down always n one nt down always...will bring a diff effect arh...i heard frm some of e members...ive been vain in mi tinking all in while...ive been tupid again...

i didnt sae im nt going to help them during assessment...i didnt sae im going to leave e band...all im jux saying...im taking a break till AGM...i will b helping them morally...n nt standing there helping them like b4...i will leave e band...eventually...after AGM...but for now...im still with e band...but nt in sight...

i really miss mi daes in srband...e daes with huimin n hakim...e times i had sectionals n madness sessions with e evil sisters...but i nt really missing e times i haf in hiband animore...

i was sad when no ones believes im leaving hiband e time being...it seems like i shld b there everytime...but still...i haf to do it...im really tired...so wat if i put in more effort than everyone else?SO WAT?do u all noe?DO U ALL NOE??NO!not at all...im like everyone of u out there...im oso a human...im still a teenager...a youth!i wan to b like everyone else...but i lost out by half already coz of health...but its always nt health tt's bothering mi...its BAND!

everytime band...EVERY SINGLE TIME!oh god...y r u doing tis to mi?ive enuff challenges already...i dun wan animore...pls...let mi at least haf a break for e moment...although i really wanna help e band...but mi help is really nt needed...

i noe im letting many pple down...u can sae would i b bothered with e instructors saying "gracia how cum u so long nv come?" let mi ans u...yes i will b bothered...but do u all feel bothered when u r asked tt question?i dunno bout u all...but since u guys r having ur hols now...can we like jux take it tt we r exchanging positions now?u guys wking wif e band while i haf a break...let mi try for once how does it feel nt going back for band...ive nv try it b4...never...NEVER! mi attendence is even better than some of e band members...let mi for once b nt there...footdrill is not mi forte...so since u guys haf e time now...let mi nt b e one hafing to go down still...

pple...i really really really wan a rest...i feel drain...i feel wore out...i feel toasted...i dun feel needed...i dun feel wanted...i dun feel appreciated...i feel like a big time loser...e loser of all loser...

to e tag on mi blog...can i haf tis chance to b away frm e band while u all handle e stuff...its ur time to take over liao...ive been wking with them since dunno how long liao...since u can spare e time...pls take over mi part of e job...since mi effort to e band is nt wanted at all...

i really wan a break frm e band...or i may end up being scare of band...which is now building up already...sae im bad...sae im nt supporting or watever...but pls...look into e deepest part of mi...its all worn out n teared...it needs a treatment...for mi to leave e band at tis time too is hurting for mi...but i still haf to do it...more over...there's other alumni cuming back to help more now...at least i wont feel tt bad leaving...

please, i beg of u...

she mux smile again

_she mux smile again_

i cannot b too stress...e stress is back again...so are e problems...i mux b happy...i mux b happy...i mux b happy...

i mux find e smile again...

i hate my life...most imptly...

i hate myself...

e decision is made...im going to leave band liao...till assessment dae...i dun tink i wanna go back...beside tis fridae to get my foto...or else...i seriously dun feel like going back liao...nt even for assessment...im tired...i oso wish they can get gd results...but i jux dun wan them to tink tt e result is e most impt ting...i wanna them enjoy...i wanna them to try their best...put in their best effort...watever e results may b den...they noe they haf put in their bery best...they haf nth to b sad of...they will not need to shed a tear...i hate to see pple cry...but y am i always crying miself?tupid tears...tupid memories...

its been a habit now to always go back...yea...so wat if im e onli person who is always back tt often?who cares...no one...sometimes...i jux feel tt...whoever is up there looking upon us is giving mi too many challenges...i dun wan hurt mi friend animore...but ended up...im feel like im always hurt most...i regretted once...i tink tis will b e 2nd time again...im going to gif up hiband again for e same tupid old reason...gracia...u r such a assho*e...

till AGM...till AGM...till AGM...

e UN-wanted

_e UN-wanted_

yes...tt's mi...

i mean it...serious...im e un-wanted of hiband...

2dae i sae sth...i sae...i dun wan e band to regret like b4...i dun wan to see them cry like last yr syf...den u noe wat they sae...they sae its demoralising...i was sadden...

u noe y?

i dun like e fact tt our alumni are teaching e band tt...e gold, e distinction...is e best...we shld always aim for tt n get that...yes...an aim is gd...but...we r like teaching these kids tt...music is onli bout competition...its sadden mi each time we complete with music...

to mi...all these "competition" is jux a judgement...if nt wat is it called syf central judging n not a competition...u noe wat i mean?i really hate it...HATE IT!y r we completing bout music?wat's all tt competition for?are we teaching these kids tt...without competition...music made is useless or wat?y r we ranking all these stuff...

rmb syf 2005?if u dun...let mi remind u hiband members...who were e ones who kept saying we wan a gold?who were e one?over-confidence will pull down one in fact...when e results were out...who were e one crying?DONT U GUYS NOE TT IT HURTS ME TO SEE U GUYS CRY???i dun tink u guys noe tt...but...when u r crying...i was bleeding inside...when i see u guys crying non-stop...i really dunno wat to sae n do...coz...i seriously feel tt...tt silver last yr...was well-deserved...despite all e problems we haf...it was e effort u guys put in then which really touched mi...it may not b e best playing of tt dae...but to mi...it was best among ALL e other band taking part in e syf...but e tears u guys shed...seriously break my heart...some of u were crying...saying u were sorry tt u guys didnt get e gold...all i could sae was...it wasnt e gold i wan...its e music...its e effort...n till 2dae...i still mean it...all i wan is e music n e effort...

i really dun wan u guys to set a goal again n fail it...den start crying again...i dun wan it to happen again...so i sae all those tings todae...i hope u guys understand...coz...i walked tis paths longer with u guys den ani other alumni...tt im most assured of...be it syf last yr or tis yr...im sure...i walked tis journey longer n harder than ani other alumni of e band...yet...mi intentions are not seem...nt understood...which is wat i was sadden...in other words...i dun feel appreicated...i hate it...i noe i wasnt a major b4...tt's y...i questioned mi actions sometimes too...mi intention was to throw band aside after i left mi line...but e tots of regret haunt mi...so i stayed with e band...but now im questioning miself again...i dun wan to see u pple upset...e smile on ur faces is far more better than ani other medal or wat-so-ever...

ur tears are like my blood...mi involvement in tis band...is too deep till its hard to let go...but i will do it still...to let go n let e others handle...after e AGM or mayb even earlier...

i jux feel tt...as long as u guys do ur best...no matter wat e end result is...gold silver bronze...distinction merit participation blah...they haf put in their best effort...tt's e most impt...

i will always rmb wat mr tan sae...even if he haf forgetten bout it...i will always rmb it...somewhere deep in my heart...

syf...we r doing it for e experience...and nt e medal...

cant u pple see tt?e medal is nt impt~ so wat if we haf e best grade? we may nt b e most happy pple on earth...there r still so many gd band out there...oso...with a band so not united like HIBAND...even e best medal wouldnt bring about aniting...

unity is e lead to gd results...we dun even haf tt now...tok bout distinction...can we jux stop using all e grades...n let them understand tt...its e effort which they put in is more impt...where has all our learning gone too?i hate syf...hate it...

i judged music b4 too...end result...i didnt enjoyed wat i was doing...onli till i put away e judgement...put aside mi fear bout mi grades...i managed to enjoy e true beauty of music...i kept tinking tt music shld b judged...but i was totally wrong...it shld b enjoyed...played frm e heart...played with e mind...den its gd music...den its a prized music...coz e effort is there...there isnt a need for a gold...but there's a need to set ur heart n soul to it...i regretted judging music...i so hate miself...

in fact...i dun like e way WE judge music...be it indoor or outdoor

i hate it...

i hate myself as a musician...

since im nt really welcum in this band...mayb i shld start to leave soon...since...watever i sae is of no use...nvm...im used to it...y muz it always b her who piss mi off?making mi wanna move into my 2nd regrets again...

sometimes...i really hate myself till i feel like killing myself...

i wish to help tis band till AGM...but im losing my will power...to go down tis fri n to go down after EPT now...i dunno...ive lost faith in myself...

u can sae tings which i dun like...but i cant sae tings which u dun like...

gracia...u really r an idiot...

i hate u, gracia...

n those who felt demoralised after wat i sae todae...i apologise...

sorry, hiband...