pissed off

.*.pissed off.*.

hello...im a jc band member!!

>:(

dying

.*.dying.*.

well pple...i onli haf bout 50% of life leaf inside of mi...tt means im dying soon...okie...wat rubbish am i toking bout...im juz bery tired...

well...whole of last wk...i keep going back to band n prac...den i juz realised tt e way i place mi right hand all tis yr is wrong lah...how nice can it get?dotx...so...i changed mi placing of hand...now mi arm is aching...coz im still not used to it yet...haiz...sad...den mi playing...4get it...i can onli try mi best...SCH prac was fun...den our dear lulu horn string break...how nice...so i used his horn while he used mine...he's e principle player wat...so he cannot dun play lor...haha...aniways...e ting is...its fun...haha...e exchange sux...coz mi horn inside gt tings...wat rubbish...

wanna tok a bit bout himb...okie...1stly...seniors...ex-seniors i mean...dun expect a gold frm e band...for tis yr lor...i mean...u all cum back like onli a few times to help n wat-so-ever...n juz bcoz marsiling get GWH...u oso tink our band will get a gold...no lor...i mean...look at e way how marsiling work...n our band work...its totally diff lah...look at how their alumni really help e band...n how our alumni help e band...haf u all tink bout all tis?yes...e band played bery nicely during syf...but there are still factors preventing them getting e gold...honestly...they shld b glad wif a silver...coz i believe tis is a high silver which they deserve...

ex-seniors...if u all really wan to help e band...there might b a set up of a alumni band...i seriously hope u all will join to help build up e band...i wont confirm tt 2yrs later we will get e gold...but i can confirm tt we will b able to help e band...ONLI if we really do it...well...

band members...i told u all b4...aim wat u all can get...but u all aim too high tis time...tt's y u all fell hard...hopefully...after tis fall...u all will get up n fight 4 e nxt com...im not demoralising u all...im juz telling wat u all shld do...e medal...like wat i sae b4 is not impt...its e unity n musiciality...

gd luck hiband...

as 4 srband...if onli all of us can wk better on our individual part...not always playing other's inst...n are willing to help one another...we might b able to get wat we wan...

gd luck srband...

as for agm...im not involved in e discussion...yes...sad am i...but wat can i do or sae?nothing at all...sometings i really wonder y am i doing so much?i always look 4ward to tis discussion...but tis time im not involved...watever...as long as im able to teach e band...fine wif mi...BUT...without anione else interferring mi!

hate u guys!

hate e credits!

hate everyting!

hate mi life!

=(

=~

.*.=~.*.

im so stress up these daes...i juz feel like crying non-stop...i noe its no gd...but i seriously need to cry everyting out...im juz too stress up...too many tings had happened...too many tings r going to happen...and wat-so-ever...

1stly...n e one i will consider most impt now is...e fact...i leave himb liao...tis time...i really let go mi soul...its may not seem so serious to u guys out there...but it really hurts...they keep toking to mi bout hiband stuffs...but i dun ever wan to reply them or tok bout it...y?i really cannot let go...tis is e place which taught mi alot of tings...show mi alot of stuffs...let mi see who's mi real friends...n who r not...let mi realised that...even if u noe someone all of ur life...been in e class all of ur friend...tt person would still not b ur true friend...tis is e place which taught mi how to play mi percious horn...build mi love for music...tis is e place where i met 3 great instructors...though they might nt b e best like some other instructors...i still tink they r e greatest in mi life...they r mi role model...i love them...tis is e place where i 1st learn to teach...tis is e place where i 1st let mi emotions flow freely...be it anger or sadness...in fact...tis is e place which brought mi lots of memories...when i sae all tis...mi heart really aches...i dun understand why too...i really wan to leave...when im ready to leave...i wan to look back...mayb...e last wk b4 syf really taught mi a bery impt lesson...i can help e band alot...but it oso taught mi another impt lesson...i shld not b so selfish n i shld not b bothered wat others sae to mi...i dunno...i haf to sae tis...i miss e kids there...i miss e teacher-in-charge...i miss e instructors...i miss every single tings wif regards wif himb...i dunno y...its onli one wk since i leave them...but e emotions in mi r running wild...i cant concentrate well on mi stuffs...im such an idiot...

2ndly...syf in srband...yea...one ting ive been looking forward too...but...e nearing its drawing to...e more afraid am i...im scare i cant produce gd music...im a bad player...compared to debbie n lulu...i noe it miself...like wat lulu sae...even if i dun play...it doesn't matter...y?coz there's no sound frm mi playing at all...true...i agree wif him...despite prac-ing so hard...its still e same...though i always go back hiband to prac...when i get back to srband to play...everyting is still e same...mayb i shld juz listen to lulu...mayb i shld juz not play...tis isnt e 1st time she sae that...she's been saying tt since last year...haiz...wat does tis mean?im a bad player...as simple as that...i cant pitch mi high A...i cant play e vol which debbie n lulu play...im tone deaf...im not a great musician...im a bad student conductor...im a bad leader...i prac like mad...but everyting is still useless...in short...im a bad n lousy musician...

3rdly...skool...now...i seriously hate skool...im about to turn mad le...e stress level there...though srjc is not a bery gd skool...but im feeling super stress up in that skool...im soon to turn mad...mayb i really need to visit IMH...mayb i shld haf one of those jackets b4 i really hurt miself...i feel like learning frm chelmin or xuelin...use a pen knief n cut miself...let pain replace mi other emotions...let miself bleed to death...mayb tis is better...who noes...e world might b a better place...mayb hiband will get a gold...mayb srband will b better...mayb srjc will bcum greater too...e fact is...im a loser...

lastly...n i hate tis e most...i dun feel like miself animore...i dun feel like e old gracia i used to b...tis is not mi...im not like tis...i hate it...i dun like it...it sucks...i wan e old mi back...i dunno wat's happening...i juz dun like wat im doing now...i wan to do music...instead im studying like mad...but at e end...e results still sucks...i wan to teach music to himb...but i dun haf e time...i wan to learn more frm mi instructors...but i cant afford e time too...i wan to learn piano frm ms tay again...BUT I NO HAF E TIME!!!!seriously...i really hate miself...

after saying all tt...i feel like crying...i tink im under depression...

friends...pls 4gif mi if i hurt anione of u...

sorry...

=(

i see green

.*.i see green.*.

yesh...im feeling jealous...at e same time i seriously hate miself...

after reading some of mi junior's blog n reading debbie's blog n oso knowing zh's results n lulu's band results...i started feeling jealous n mad bout miself...firstly...zh gt gold...while debbie n lulu's skool got gold wif honours...yesh...i noe e medal is not e impt ting...but mi juniors...they were all toking bout getting e gold...

i was wondereing...if i haf controlled mi temper even more...i might b able to help e band more...NO!im wrong...if e alumni cum back earlier...we could all help e band more...e gold is now gone...now...its a silver...though its not as shinning...i still like it...i mean it...i really like it...

but...im sad coz i didnt help earlier...I HATE MISELF TOTALLY!!!

im sorry band...i didnt managed to help u guys get e gold...i tried mi best n i noe u all tried ur best too...2007...i will go back n help de...i mean mi words...but tis time...we will really work hard on musicality before getting e gold...

im sorry people...im sorry himb...

=(

juz realise

.*.juz realise.*.

i juz realise sth...

i haf nt been spending time 4 miself...

i helped everyone...but 4got bout miself...

i gif mi time to everyone else...but not 4 mi...

i neglected miself...

=(

tis is for u

.*.tis is for u.*.

yes...tis is for u...mi dear hiband members...

well...i haf to sae tis...thankew guys...u all gave mi a great performance todae...im really happy bout it...

though we got a silver...im really happy wif it...coz i gt e music...really...i enjoyed e ting...i noe many of u r bery sad...but pls cheer up...

when i see most of u crying...i actually felt like crying wif u guys too...coz i walked tis difficult path wif u guys too...i noe how hard it is...i noe e pain u felt...coz i felt it too...but i kept mi tears...i dun wan to cry in front of u guys...i wanna to cry not bcoz u all didnt get gold...but bcoz im heartbroken to see all of u so sad...*im really tearing now...tupid tears...*

some of u sae thankew to mi...tt moment...i really feel like crying...but all i sae is...come back 2 yrs later to help e band...if not i sae...try harder 2 yr laters...some of u sae im sorry to mi coz u all onli gt a silver for mi...but all i sae is...gd enuff...at least i gt e musicality...

thankew band...

now...i really haf to leave u all...im really sad bout it...but i really haf to do it tis time...hopefully i can see u all on AGM or on mrs tan's farewell...i really thank all of u alot...

u all taught mi alot of tings during e last wk of e syf prac...im really grateful bout it...i will miss u guys...i will look forward to mi return to tis band...hopefully by tt time...u all really haf alot of musicality in u...

once again...

thankew hiband...

HELP!!!!

.*.HELP!!!!.*.

1:20pm
oh god...another 2hr 20mins more...hiband going to haf their com liao...they will b playing their pieces liao...they r all now boarding e bus...mayb...now they are all on e bus liao...going off liao...im so nervous 4 them...i cant concentrate 4 mi lessons at all...CANNOT AT ALL!!!!

i muz get there on time to listen...to see them...to pray 4 them...to bless them...in short...I MUST BE THERE!!!im so scared...

called mr ng juz now...he sae very gd...i hope tt it will remain tt way...oh pls oh pls...im so scare...GOSH!!!!IM SO SCARE N NERVOUS FOR THEM...all i wish for them is to play wif their hearts...play wif graditute for all their instructors...

band...i noe u cant read tis now...but i haf to sae tis...
i trust in u guys...i haf faith in u guys...mostly imptly...i noe u will do wat ur hearts really wan to...

i wrote in one of e members phrases...i like tis alot...
The Music journey is tough...but if you don't wish to give up...nobody can stop u...

GOOD LUCK GUYS!!!i will b looking forward to meeting u guys later!!

let our tears b tears of joy!

let mi noe tt mi hard work is paid off wif ur wonderful playing...e best playing...e best moment we all ever haf...

tt's all i wish for u all...
=)

im sick n tired already

.*.im sick n tired already.*.

tomole's himb's dae...i seriously dun haf mood 4 skool...but wat to do...

band...pls...play well...play wif ur heart n feelings...

i will pray 4 u all...

gd luck...

srband was tiring due to e fact tt i need to run both side...slpt late everynite...thanks mr tan, mrs chua n mr ng for ur concern...

i wan cry now...im feeling really sick n tired already...but im still getting scoldings...

my life sucks!

sux

.*.sux!.*.

guess wat time is it now...

2.51am...

AM!!!n i still nt aslp...cant slp...tinking...reading geo...soon...tinking...was toking to mr ng juz now...juz vomit out everyting to him...y?

COZ IM TOO STRESSED UP LIAO!!!!

get it?

watever...

how can i help himb somemore within tis few daes?i really gt no more ideas le...im drain...how?juz let mi cry somemore...

e tears i shed juz now is still not enuff...

mayb mi life in hiband is a mistake...

mayb mi life is hiband is a bliss...

who noes?

i dunno...

speechless

.*.speechless.*.

went back to hiband 2dae n yesterdae...

disappointed...

speechless...

=(

im back!

.*.IM BACK!.*.

well...im back in hiband since yesterdae...but onli 2wks...wrong...1wk left...well...i realised ive been selfish...coz of her...i let go mi band...so bad of mi...well...so im back...made a promise to e band n miself...well...haha...fine...well...tok to e sec5...sl...com members...hope tt they will wk wif mi well 4 e last wk...*praying*

2dae went back to hiband 2dae...listen to mr ng...i tink super meaningful...he sae...if mr tan...mrs chua n him n e whole band...r at e edge of a cliff...will we all jump down wif them if they ask us to...mi ans was...if it can save mi life...i would...but e true ans shld b "YES!" coz...tis shows how much trust u haf in e other person...mr tan is e commanding officer...e leaders r e platoon leaders...e sl r e sgt...we haf to fight tis war together...i mean e hiband pple playing...haha...

after that i went back to srband...mr ng send...den mrs chua sae...so late le...haha...but wat to do?no eat lunch oso...dotx...haiz...wat to do...den tok wif huimin a bit...she stress...well...take care gal...den i tok to e whole band...i told them e ting bout e cliff...i ask them...if mr tan n i ask them jump...will they...all gif mi other tings beside yes n no...watever lah...so i tell them y i ask them that...trust...tt's wat im trying to tell them...den i told dem e war ting...honestly...e band super quiet when i was saying...n i tink i was a little too fierce...but i cant b bothered...37daes left...i haf to sae someting...since e president not doing his part...so i sae...musicality...tt's wat i wan now...

conducted 2dae...didnt do it bery well...wasnt concentrating at all...haiz...sorry band...didnt meant it...haf alot on mind...

well...syf cuming...hiband left one wk on 11 april...srband another 37daes on 5 may...luck to everyone...

=)

im stress...but i will work hard with everyone... =)