Sunday, November 27, 2011 @Sunday, November 27, 2011
I've been thinking loads these past few days, about my friendships and about myself. There are so many things I wish I could say, but all they'll do is spark fights and arguments. And if I can avoid causing awkward situations, I'll try my best, which is why I don't say anything, and why I don't blog as often. To blog my true thoughts down, would be to stir up dust that need not be stirred. I may not be honest to everyone about my feelings, but I am always true to myself. I may always have an explanation for why things are, but it doesn't mean they're always my true intentions. I make excuses for my shortcomings, but it doesn't mean I don't know it's there. It may seem like I'm comfortable with where I am and who I am, but in truth often times I feel like I don't belong. I do not wish to gather sympathy for my being different, but it does get lonely when few understand the complete workings of your mind. And even those who think they do barely catch a glimpse of the depth of my being.
Often times all I want to do is sit and cry about how tough life is. And I don't mean the daily living of going to school etc. etc. I mean actually living. And to be so far off from what is the norm in every way possible makes it that much harder. But I know shedding tears won't help in anyway. So a long time a go a learned to put away emotions when they're not needed, to live my putting on a mask, to build a wall around me to keep "me" safe. I can't think of anyone who has seen "me" behind the wall. It's a sad way to live life, but it's the only way I know how to remain true and authentic to myself even though I fool others...