Saturday, September 17, 2011 @Saturday, September 17, 2011
My Heart Is Split ~ Kerrigan-Lowdermilk
It happens every now and then
I hear the words I need to hear
Coming from the the tiny speakers
That I've shoved into my ears
The crickets setting the tempo
The wind dancing across my skin
Reminding me of conversations
Summer nights when I stayed in
Back home, before I moved
Back home, before I got here
Back home, with the people who loved me my eighteen years
My heart is split
Between home and here
I'm cut in half
Two beds, two lives and I live in between
My porch back at home, and this strange new world I knit
My heart is split
As sudden as the onset of winter
As natural as the trail mix they all eat
This untamed and icy place I live
Has swept me off my size five feet
I read non-stop to quell the absence
I drink too much, I fall in love too fast
Obsessively collecting songs and details
Nothing's gone but nothing's lasting
Back home, before I moved
Back home, before I got here
Back home, with the people who loved me my eighteen years
My heart is split
Between home and here
I'm cut in half
Two beds, two lives, and I live in between
My porch back at home, and this strange new world I knit
My heart is split
My heart is split
I'm home but I'm still here
I'm cut in half
Two beds, two lives, and I live in between
My porch, and this strange new world I knit
My heart is split
My heart is split
It happens every now and then
I hear the words I need to hear
Coming from the tiny speakers
That I've shoved into my ears
Of late, this is one of the songs I relate to. Its not that I'm completely homesick, but I do long for the company I had back home. The people who've surrounded me my whole life. Sometimes I feel like I've become so comfortable with the familiar that I refuse to go out and mingle with the unfamiliar. But that's no way for me to live my life. I am torn, I miss my friends and family, but at the same time, I feel like being away and trying to live on my own is a good thing. Like it's a good change. One that I've been very blessed to go through with my best friend haha. Sometimes I don't know what I'd do without her.
This past Friday was my Grandmother's birthday. And it was a shocking reminder as to how most of the birthdays of the people I love will be celebrated with me over the phone only. Its crazy. Its a Saturday night and I'm home....How different is that from my life back home in Singapore? haha... Mum was just saying that I should just concentrate on my studies here then just go home and live it up, drink all I want and party as much as I want.
There are definitely things that I wish I could just merge to make my life perfect, but life was never made to be perfect, if not then what's the point of living. I guess this is just a brand new phase in my life. One that I'm transitioning into really slowly. Slower than what most people expected of me. But I'm sure I'll get by :) God never places anything in front of me which I cannot overcome. With Him, all things are possible :)
Wednesday, September 07, 2011 @Wednesday, September 07, 2011
So yes, at this hour (midnight) I'm watching video's of Adele during the iTunes Festival... then she sings I Can't Make You Love Me by Bonnie Raitt... And I remember...
I remember how I used to tell myself that I can't make anyone love me or like me or anything of that sort if they really don't. Most people think I don't let people into my life because I'm scared, and they're right. I can't bear the thought of letting someone into my life so completely, then having them leave. That thought alone is enough to paralyze me. It happens, I know...But I know I won't be able to deal with it. Three years ago...I let one of my friend's in..after...5 years of friendship..I handed him my heart... and in 3 months he stomped all over it and walked out of my life. I'm blessed that him and I are friends again...But I will never forget how my life fell apart. From the time I was 13 till about 16 I was completely in love with someone who was INCAPABLE of loving me back. He tried but couldn't, because he didn't know how to....after that we remained friends...but soon after he was completely out of my life. And once again, it felt like my world had fallen apart. It felt like the rug had been pulled out from right under me.
You'd most probably think,"you were in your teens, you don't know what love is!"But I beg to differ. I have a firm grasp of what love really is than most people my age, and I'm 20 in a few weeks. Most people my age think they're in love, and sometimes it's true. My parents met each other when they were in their teens, look at them now, arguing constantly, but completely besotted with each other. I know what love is because I'm shown love. I know what love feels like. Being in love with someone, you feel secure but scared at the same time. Well for someone like me you'd feel scared.
About a year ago, I let someone into my life, as completely as you could do with someone you've never met but spoken to loads. In my mind it was, "Hey, someone new and interesting to speak to!" I never thought I'd grow to like him this much. And just when I thought, "Maybe, just maybe I might love him." He pulled the rug right out from under me. The worst part, he doesn't even know he's done it. You can tell me you've no time to come online and such, and I really would love to believe you. But having time to come onto netlog yet no time to drop me an e-mail... makes no sense, and you're a smart boy. You talk about our lives together most probably because you think it's what I want to hear. I wrote something on one of my other blogs ages ago, "The uncertain path I walk on paints a dark and deserted path of my future."Treading on unfamiliar grounds and uncertainty will lead me no where. I would love to say moving on is easy, but I know it's not, it seems like everyday I take two steps forward and three steps back, like I'm moving back rather than forward. But I know eventually if nothing changes and it gets worse for me, I'll walk away.
Tell me then, once that happens, what future will be left for us if you do not secure your present?