It seems like I never make the right decisions anymore. Its like I always end up hurting someone no matter what I do. And its always someone I care about. So much has been going on, so many things have been going wrong that now I just don't know where I'm supposed to be. I've always been this confused little girl. Granted that I'm already going 17 and theres so much in my life that I'm so uncertain about. Maybe I'm looking too far ahead into my future, but if I don't, who is? No one can say for sure what the future has in store except God, but I have a choice in shaping my future, I have that part to play. What I do now will affect what I get in the future. And I want the best for myself as well as for those whom I love. I don't hold on or hold close those I love because I know at some point, I'll have to let them go. And it always seems as though its easier to just be distant and regret than get close and get your heart broken.


A heart that is able to bend towards the will of others and to accomodate others is a heart that won't break, but without a broken heart, we won't get hurt. Without getting hurt, we won't learn. If we don't learn, how then do we grow?

Our lives are like paintings, painted by God. He added all the colours. Each colour is a person. We are the masterpiece, what makes us up, is the people who are there to love and support us through all that we go through. Today, I'm glad that God has added so many beautiful colours in my painting. I've been conflicted lately, though thats a huge understatement and no it has nothing to do with my (ex) classmates. This is a matter of the heart, as is anything that can drive me mad.

Two very different guys, one here in Singapore the other, in a land far away. I've been through so much with one and I barely know the other. One would be willing to do almost anything for me just so he can see me smile, but I don't know about the other. One would still care if I told him that me and him should go on a break for a while because I'm confused because he cares about me that much, I don't know what the other would do or where things will take me and him. One would smile like everything's okay and that he's alright with my decision to do this though inside he'd be crushed, the other may not care. One would catch me if I were to fall, he'd actually do anything so that I wouldn't stumble, I don't know if the other would bother.



I know it seems that there's a very obvious answer to my predicament. But that One, is in a land far away, my heart is always with him kinda literally since he got something with a heart on it for me, but I love him too much to put him through this again and I know if I don' say anything, it'd be another lie that I can't keep a hold on. I love my One, its true. But I'm 17, I'm kinda allowed to be kinda undecided when it comes to guys rather than just commiting to one. Especially that One who, although cares for me, has broken my heart loads of times by going out with other girls who are actually in that land far away. But I don't think I can do that to him.


Thanks Jean, for listening to me, you're one of my best friends that I've made in quite sometime. And so far, you've been the one with the time to listen to me because we're in the same school.

Claudia,you're the bestest best friend remember? I owe you a lot, you've been there for me for ages. Through almost all ages. Haha if you get what I mean. Your birthday's coming up and I've got to go out to get your gifts together. Haha. But you're the best friend I could've only wished for. Don't worry love, I understand the situation you're in, and I'd never say that you didn't care because I know what its like to be where you're at.

Jolin, I love you babe, you're there for me to rant and rave though you've got your O's this year and you're one of the few who would make as much time for me if it happens to fall within your busy schedule, kinda like the way I used to treat you and I'm sorry for that. Hahaz. I know where you're at right now. I've been there. I was there last year. Keep all distractions away babe, if not, Learn To Partition.

Gabe, you're in Uni now, so not much time to grab Ice Cream with me and see the problems written all over my face and spent the rest of the night trying to get me to talk. Hahaz. And I don't get to see your far away "I'm thinking real deep now" look anymore. Haha. We're getting to caught up in our lives. Hahaz. I blame school, though I know you secretly love it. Hahaz.

Camille, I miss you wing, I haven't seen you in a while. And I know you're like waiting for the day for me to complain and rant and rave about everything to you again, but you know that day won't come anytime soon because right now you need me to be your listening ear. And don't worry babe, even if I were in love or not, I will listen, its more difficult to advise, but I'll listen because I think I deserve my chance at happiness sometimes too. Doesn't mean I don't care. Just means that my love gets around more I guess.


My family, you're always there, Brian, Faith. Always there to protect me from the asses all around. I know you've always got my back. Thats kinda what siblings are for. I miss spending time with you, just the 5 of us and sometimes just the sibs together. Its been awhile. Just us and no one else. You're always there to put me in my place and to guide me. And Guidance is what I seek and need from time to time. Now more often than not and I'm forever thankful and greatful for always having you guys there. I'm indeed blessed.


These are the colours in my life, the people God has painted into my life, the significant colours whom without I'd have been lost, I wouldn't be here. I may be in school and distant, but I know who are the important ones. I always will know because they're the ones who make life worth living, who make my days interesting and worthwhile. I'm thankful that God chose each and every one of you to walk this path with me. That in this, we're each fulfilling a destiny that was mapped before us.

I remember my first day in W25D. It was orientation. I came in class late and found out which group I was in. The first people I talked to were Pris and TY and if I'm not mistaken Jin Mun. I remember Pris saying, "I think we should all start by introducing who we are. I'm Priscilla." She was the first one to talk to me in class. That much I remember. And I'm forever greatful to you Priscilla. The past few months have been tough for me since I withdrew from you guys and I'm sorry. You guys (i.e. Priscilla, Ting Yuan, Haikal, Adam, Wei Ping, Phareez, Kevin) made my first few months in poly really good and enjoyable. And I'm sorry for whatever I may have done and said to anger or provoke you or whatever it might have been.

I remember the BBQ we had at my place which ended up starting only at like 8 plus. I remember Phareez getting lost and the charades (remmeber Step Up 2?). And I also remember TY saying she wet her pants because my bed started leaking. Haha.

You guys were the ones who helped cheer me up when my dog had to be put down. I am thankful to you guys especially for always being there during those first few months of my Poly life.


To the rest of W25D I still hold you guys close to my heart because you are the class that I went through that adjustment with. We survived the first semester of Poly. I hope that life brings about more opportunities for you guys and that you guys may always know that your dreams and aspirations are always within reach. Nothing is too far. And I do mean the things I say and I'm sorry for whatever I may have done to you guys or whatever mean things I may have said. I do admit that sometimes my words may get too harsh or mean.

Okay...So I've been rather pathetic to just update using songs, but thats basically what my life is about. And they express how I feel best. Especially I've been rather uninspired to write new stuff of my own. So this song Gravity is one of the few songs that really encompasses what I feel for someone. Its been so longs since I've felt this way. Almost a year to be exact. Wanting to be set free even though that there's nothing physical holding me back. I guess now more than ever since I've had more time to think, I realised that I don't think I'd be able to put myself through it all again. You're so far away from me but yet you still have this hold on me. I'm still afraid to step out on my own and go find someone else the way you've been able to do so many times.

I remember when life used to be so simple. All I had to do was wake up in the morning knowing that things would be alright. Not a care in the world. When everyone was a friend (or at least you always thought so). When no one would talk behind your back(at least to the best of your knowledge). When there was only good and bad. I miss those days. Those times when all you needed was your Mum and Dad.

They always say that as you get older you need your parents less. But I find that, the older I get, the more I look to my parents for answers. Its like as if I'm growing backwards. Haha. I remember distancing myself from my family when I was in primary school. I only went to them when I was in trouble and they always bore the brunt of my anger all the time. Its not something I'm proud of, but its something that did happen.

As I sit in the library today and research on Uni's I may want to go to and the courses I want to take, I actually realised that in all my life, I never had to do something this important by myself. And because of that, I saw how much I actually disregarded the guidance of my family in my past 16 + years of living. I know I've still got a few years to make this decision, but then again, I am always changing my mind especially if I've no goal to work towards to. I don't know what I want to do for real just yet. And its scary because I've got only a few years to decide and I'm already taking a course in a particular field.

I remember in secondary and primary school, this kinda things don't really matter because almost everyone does the same things except maybe in Sec 3 where you choose the subjects you want. I miss having the easy life. Or the less complicated life.

Freda Kay
Republic Polytechnic Biomedical Sciences
2nd Oct


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