I used to think that I was doing right by myself by being faithful and loyal to the person I loved. But what does it say about my self-worth if the person I love doesn't value me the way I am or doesn't give me the time of day but has the time to comment on pictures of other girls.
Yesterday I was helping a friend of mine through an issue she had with her boyfriend whereby he was posting comments about how hot the women he was looking at were. It dawned on me then that I was in the exact same position. If I was able to tell her to either confront him with how she feels or forget about him completely, I have to be able to take my own advice. For years I sat by and watched him do what he wanted to do. I never said a word against him commenting on other girls pictures, calling them hot, gorgeous, stunning, sexy and the list goes on. How much is too much? I've never said anything against it outright, because I don't find the act of commenting wrong, however, what upsets and disappoints me, is the frequency in which it's done, so much so that I feel as though I'm ignored in favor of commenting on pictures of other girls.
Every time I see another log of him commenting on another girl's pictures, I feel a physical pain in my chest, so much so that I will immediately close the site. And it's not even jealousy, it's hurt and disappointment. I just don't understand how he can tell me he loves me, and then do something like that this often. Like I said, I've no problem with comments, I'm not crazy enough to believe that it's wrong, boys will be boys. But I just can't stand seeing it every time I open this site and see it.
So now I'm faced with a difficult decision, I either forget him completely, or talk to him about it. The worst part of it all, is that I feel more inclined to just forget about him as difficult as it may be because I don't think I'd ever be able to fully trust someone like that.
Contrary to popular belief, I do not write or post the things I do because I seek sympathy. That's the furthest thing from the truth. My thoughts and feelings tend to be best expressed through words and songs. I feel no need for others to comment or judge my own words, therefore expect no reaction over my own work.
I say many things because emotions are complex. I say many things because often times I am lost in my own life. I'm just trying to sort through my thoughts to arrive at a simple yet effective solution to the issues that keep me up at night.
4am is not supposed to be anyone's average bed time when uni isn't in session, they're not out partying or they're not working.
I've always been one who could easily read someone like a book. All I need is enough time to just watch them and gauge their reactions. Its part of why I decided to pursue Psychology. More often than not, the way people react to things and their responses don't surprise me. People do become predictable. It's always the little things that we never expect that make us the happiest.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm as easy to read. If my every thought is written all over my face. Lately I find that I disguise a lot of what I truly feel and think because it's not the most diplomatic thing to do or say so I just let things slide. I know there are those who can read me, but never with ease. Hence all the wondering if I'm an easy person to read.
Just a random errant thought.
Most girls think about their wedding day, how the dress will look, the decorations and colour schemes etc etc. But when I try to picture my life, I always picture what happens after I say "I Do." Like I've always said, I love love, but love scares the crap outta me.
When I picture my life after the wedding, I see my husband and I arguing,laughing, smiling and being completely in love despite what the world may throw our way. I see the children out playing, fighting, making a mess and eventually growing up.
I want a marriage where my husband will remain as good a friend to me as he was when we first met. I want the love I have for my husband to grow with each day. I want to be able to accept his flaws and be the one that balances him out. I want to grow with him, not just grow old, but grow up and mature. I want to learn about life with him by my side. I want to face adversities head on knowing that he'll be there right beside me cheering me on. I want him to be able to be vulnerable with me and know that I won't judge him. I want him to be open with me and know what I will accept him no matter what. I want us to fight and argue about the things we disagree on so that we can come to a conclusion that suits the both of us so that we have no bad tension between us. I want my children to be able to see how powerful love is. I want them to grow in a loving environment, assured of their parents love for them and each other.
My best friend and I were talking ages ago about how we expect the guys we marry to come from the same socioeconomic class as we do. But we both later agreed that socioeconomic backgrounds don't matter if who we end up with is hardworking, driven and can love us despite our crazy moments. When my best friend and I envision our future selves, we see ourselves leaving our kids with our husbands as least one week a year so we can go on a holiday together, we see ourselves watching our grandchildren and talking/gossiping with each other about random things and laughing so hard our dentures fall out and we make our grandchildren pick them up and give them back, only our grandchildren, being the rascals they are, run away with them and my best friend and I chase after them with our walking sticks. Haha..
Yes, when I picture my life after the wedding day I know who I want to see in it. I even know who I want the husband to be. Only time will tell who I'll end up with, but I know how I want my life after "I Do." to be.
I guess you know that you're growing up when you stop crying over boys and start crying over missing home and your family.
I keep playing back events from the past week or so that would never have happened if I were back home in Singapore. I keep thinking about the mistakes I may make simply because I know that no one will know unless I tell them. I'd love to believe that my parents raised me to know the difference between right and wrong and more often than not I think I do know the difference, but of late, the line between the two seems to be blurry.
I know all of us have to leave home someday and that it'll be a test to see if we sink or swim. I think I've still got little floaties on cause technically I haven't been alone, I've had Bestie here with me through it all.
Today I've been thinking about snuggling in bed between my mum and my sister, and driving around with my brother or just sitting on the sofa watching tv with my dad or listening to my grandmother ramble on about anything and everything. Being home alone in a relatively quiet space...makes me miss the little things that make a house a home.
I most probably have said this before, but being here in Australia is like existing and not living. I guess I still have to forge my own path for myself the way I did in Singapore. It's like learning to be yourself all over again, only in a completely new environment. I'm starting to realize that I most probably feel like I'm just existing instead of living because here in Australia I'm missing a fairly huge chunk of who I am. For the most part of my life, I've been defined by what I do in church and what I did in school, all of which revolved around what I did with music. Here in Australia I've yet to find an avenue for my music which makes Australia feel like less of a home for me.
But still, there is a difference in my life between last semester and this semester. Though I still think there's room for improvement. I should start going back to church properly and find a place for my music.
So I spent valentines day with Linette and then later her boyfriend Airie joined us for dinner and a movie :)
Well in a few days I'll be flying back to Brisbane :) the suckiest thing! I'm falling sick...I've got a stuffy nose and feel the beginnings of a sore throat! I've gotta sing on Saturday and I'm flying off on Monday! Haha
 |
| nette and i :D |
 |
| airie, nette and i |
I haven't had moments where all I wanted or felt I was capable of doing at that moment is cry. Until this week. For months I was okay with just existing. It was a big change from how I used to be. For as long as I could remember, my life was filled with school, rehearsals, practices, meetings and all sorts of other things. For a good long while, leading my life was hard work which I absolutely loved.
When I moved to Australia I did more than just take a backseat. I just let everything go. I didn't do much of anything except stay in my room. I had no practices, meetings, rehearsals or anything. There were the odd days where I would go out with the Bestie and obviously there were times when we'd talk like the world was going to end the moment the clock struck 12, but besides those brief moments of human interaction I was more or less alone in my room.
I guess it was my own doing. I refused to join a club or anything like that. I didn't do what I would normally do. I didn't talk to anyone and didn't attempt to make friends. I'm not afraid to admit something like that simply because I know it was my choice, I've no one else to blame. Though honestly, I can't stay that I'm unhappy with that decision. I think being without friends meant being without drama for me.
I think when I go back this year I'll try to return to my crazy lifestyle that keeps me busy and happy.
I don't think I'll ever understand how I came to be so blessed, in that I found my truest of true best friend at such a young age. If I never make a close friend in my life ever, I think I'd still live a really happy life.
Sometimes I wonder how my best friend puts up with my constant lamenting about my life. Days like today where I collapse on my bed from trying to please everyone and just cry while I text her about how horrible things have been. Her patience, love and understanding never ceases to amaze me.
I know I say this loads, but truly, when God wove the fabric of my being, He included one of the most vital things in my life, and that is my Best Friend, Claudia. No amount of words could ever express the immense love I have for her. She's truly my best friend. She's seen me through it all. She's stood by me when others left. And she never ceases to show me how much she cares.
Claudia, I know you're most probably the only person still reading my blog, but with every fiber of my being, I really want to thank you for always being there. Never running away or hiding when I need you, even when I don't really need you you're there to be my companion. I truly believe we will be old and gray and hunched over a walking stick chasing our grandkids around together way way way in the future. :D
I've been thinking loads these past few days, about my friendships and about myself. There are so many things I wish I could say, but all they'll do is spark fights and arguments. And if I can avoid causing awkward situations, I'll try my best, which is why I don't say anything, and why I don't blog as often. To blog my true thoughts down, would be to stir up dust that need not be stirred. I may not be honest to everyone about my feelings, but I am always true to myself. I may always have an explanation for why things are, but it doesn't mean they're always my true intentions. I make excuses for my shortcomings, but it doesn't mean I don't know it's there. It may seem like I'm comfortable with where I am and who I am, but in truth often times I feel like I don't belong. I do not wish to gather sympathy for my being different, but it does get lonely when few understand the complete workings of your mind. And even those who think they do barely catch a glimpse of the depth of my being.
Often times all I want to do is sit and cry about how tough life is. And I don't mean the daily living of going to school etc. etc. I mean actually living. And to be so far off from what is the norm in every way possible makes it that much harder. But I know shedding tears won't help in anyway. So a long time a go a learned to put away emotions when they're not needed, to live my putting on a mask, to build a wall around me to keep "me" safe. I can't think of anyone who has seen "me" behind the wall. It's a sad way to live life, but it's the only way I know how to remain true and authentic to myself even though I fool others...
I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me 'cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home ~ Arms by Christina Perri
Free falling is most probably the scariest thing a person could do, especially if it's free falling into love, or at least what we think is love. I admire the people who can so willingly fall.
I used to think of myself as one of those people, then I saw that deep rooted fear within me. And now I think...maybe for now, I'm better of alone. I'm in a new country, in a new phase of my life. I think it's best that I try and go at it alone. Being reliant on people has never led me down a good path, so I'm hoping this new lease on my new life gets me somewhere. It's just under 2 months and I'll be back home in Singapore. I'm actually quite looking forward to going back to my life there for awhile. Think I'll be home for about 10 weeks before returning to Brisbane.
The best way to move forward in life is not to run or be angry with the past, but to accept that it happened and make peace. I've made peace as best I can... Now it seems I'm ready to walk away with no regrets. I've done all I can do given the circumstance and...quite frankly...I'm through
No hate, but no love either. But most importantly, no regrets. There are no more "what if's" in my mind and heart. It's time for me to grow up and move on, and not cling to what used to be.I may crave for what I thought we had, but until the day comes when what I thought we had becomes a reality with whoever is best suited for me, I'll lead my life knowing I did what was best for me and you. I let you off, let you go..You may have thought that you love me, but feelings change, people change. I love you as I would a friend and I think from today on, that's the most you may ever be. I rarely believe in second chances when it comes to matters of the heart.. I guess I'm a once bitten twice shy kinda girl. But that just means I believe in making the most of the first attempt. It may seem like I am trying to convince myself of my decision, but today I write without a heavy heart. Today I realise that despite being single and kinda alone, I'm most probably stronger than I have been in awhile.
So yes, I'll wait for my love story to happen...but till that day comes, the world is my oyster