31st December 05, Saturday 6:07pm

HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY KAREN!

30th December 05, Friday 11:38pm

i promise you this is gonna be quite an entry. its the second last day of the year, so i had the urge to read what i wrote a year ago. especially the one about new year resolutions. i love doing it... cos its a NEW year... new things to look forward to. of cos i couldnt stop at just that entry rite? i moved on to the others and i realised how much i love to write last time. i'm talking about poetic kinda writing. no, i admit that i suck at it but i just love penning down my thoughts and emotions. if you know me back then (of cos most of you do), you'd know that i spent quite a fair bit of my time and energy thinking of just one person. anyway back to those poetic stuff that i wrote, i still cant believe that i could write such stuff. not that they are great but i guess, to me, they are really something...

Why is my heart heavy
With unfathomable weight
As I try to escape
This soul-saddened state?

tears will wash the pain away
and joy will flow in by the peaceful river...
no longer i am in the mist
cos i have found the path that i shoud take...
as courageous as i am tonite
i will walk this path
till i find my true happiness
till i reach the other end of the rainbow.

(ok this one is not a poem at all)
i just happen to think of you...
still thinking....
actually who exactly does "you" refer to?
you or you?
*
someone mentioned bout you...
and a part of me want to know how life has been for you so far...
i wanna see you
i wanna know whether you will say hi to me or not...
but i know i'll never have the chance to
cos i've made a pac.
do i still miss you?
probably.....if i think long enough...
but one thing for sure...
i am thinking of you
right now, this minute, this second.

ya ya go on and laugh at my amatuer work. bleah! oh ya if you have noticed, the words dont exactly ryme...told you i'm bad. anyway one can only imagine the pain that i went through at that time. i know it was the darkest time in my 21 years of life. well some might say i know nothing about the extreme darkness but that was how i felt... i always wondered in the past whether she'd say hi to me or not if she happens to bump into me. well my answer is no she didnt say hi but we msg each other and talk online occasionally. that's really awesome. i guess one of the best thing that happened in 2005 is that i finally moved out of the circle (that was how xh described it).

done with that... then i realised (from another entry) how this particular person had been to me. extremely nice, the nicest by far. one word from me and she'd do anything. in that entry, i wrote that i had craving for chocolate buffet and just couldnt find the place that offer such a treat. i told the person, shockingly she went to get me 2 big bags full of chocolates. there were many other things that she did for me... sometimes it got me wonder how far one person would go for another. it seemed to me that she has no limits. of cos, ordinary friends wouldnt behave that way. when one has a particular attraction for another.. i guess that person would do lotsa and lotsa things just to brighten the other person's life. will i be like her? i mean yes of cos i'd do many things for the one that i love but to that extend? i'm not sure. maybe its just her character.

ok the most remarkable thing that happened in 2005 was that i thought i had the chance to turn straight or at least on my way to be like the netball pole. sadly... the project failed. i gotta admit i did like that guy. or in any case... there's no harm mentioning his name.. mr desmon. right now i'm just thinking how the hell did i develop that fair bit of attraction for him.. it really puzzled me. but i gotta be honest... the attraction was somewhat different. different in the sense that before anything could happen, i knew there was a line drawn. it was as though there was some kinda limit to it. i remember how happy monica, suan and xh were. haha. so funny. well ppl i'd still be a cricket player for the time being. bleah! bowling is not quite my forte neither is it my cup of tea. *wink*

how can one ever mention 2005 and not talk about my 21st birthday. it was really really really lovely. i wonder if that is an understatement even with the 3 reallys. i was wowed. i couldnt have imagined who else to spend that day with besides those ppl at the dinner party. it was awesome. i cross my heart and give you peeps a guarantee chop that you are the vips of my life. thanx for being my friends. especially those who saw me through the down side of my life.

ok i'm not going to skip this. in fact i'm like laughing now.. weird. i guess i'd remember that my 2005 was mostly spent with this person. haha.

oh i almost forgot about the new year resolutions that i made for 2005... i'm proud to say that i managed to fufil most of it. like taking up a dance class? i had either breakfast, lunch or dinner with my mom at least once a month (just the two of us). ya.. i'm much closer to her now. i did pretty well for my year2 1st sem. bad for the first half of the year... but i did not tapao... the 3As 2Bs took away any bitterness i have for my 2005's results. i guess the only two things that i failed to do would be... i'm still mean to edwin. opps. and i neglected my friends. like majorly.

Gonna be a happy girl in 2005!

i know i always talk about depression ya da ya da... looking back... i really was happy.

i'd do the 2006 new year resolutions tmr. so freaking tired.

27th December 05, Tuesday 7:59pm

Life is a little bit brighter when you have a super com. cos all it needed was a click to get the classes that i want. strictly speaking, it was my first time planning for my timetable. i even took an mc just for today. haha. was online by 2:30 when i was supposed to register my modules at 3:30. talk about being kiasu. hey it pays to be one ok.

but hell... i nearly peed myself when i found out at 3:25 that i couldnt register my modules using mozila. like freak ass... luckily i had enough time to login again using IE. it was damn freaky scary. you know how kiasu singaporeans are... one min late and you can forget about getting your dream timetable. so when 3:30 came, i just clicked on the button and ta ta!!! i got just what i wanted. no haste no sweat. yeah rite... imagine the antipation that i went through... it was just as bad as the time before you enter the exam hall. siao rite? shilei said she was having butterflies in her tummy. haha. ya i could totally understand.

oh do you know how fast the classes were being taken up? straight after i got mine, i went back to check for shilei's and practically all the classes had got no more vacancy. that was just 2 or 3mins at most. it was like lightning kinda fast. aiyo! poor dearie couldnt get her slots cos of her slow com. dearie, pls tell your bf to change the com!

you know one thing i've learnt from previous experience is that its hard to compromise. to get a timetable that suits everyone. so once you're settled with one, just go ahead with it. what can be worse than doing the classes by yourself? i've been there done that and nothing is gonna scare me anymore. on a brighter side, you might get to know more people. and doing project work with shitty people? well i had that kinda experience too with my cb group. so to hell with being alone in tutorial classes. its the timing and tutors that matter the most.

and i've decided to try Malay class. cos with accounting 2, i dont think i can do other soci modules. so i have to do something simpler which i can just smoke through. that leaves me no choice but Malay level 1. i asked my mom for advise and she was damn cool about it. she said that she'd help me do my work if i need help. LIKE WHAT THE!!! haha my mama is the greatEST ok. (big bright smile) and that lovely theresa, my bro's gf, called me a cheapskate. haha like whatever! haha. she's just jealous. *wink*

other than having to go home at 730 because of my malay class, i'm really satisfied with my timetable. oh btw... who says that i'm going to attend all my malay classes? hahaha.

26th December 05, Monday 12:31am

i feel kinda lonely that my mama is not around.

i received the most hurting msg for this christmas season. i'm going to lose myself soon.

am i being selfish and too self-absorbed?

i'm sorry if i am!

just fuck life.

25th December 05, Sunday 6:05pm

Merry Christmas ppl.

spent the eve and christmas day with karen at her church. i must say that its a pretty simple celebration. not that i expected for any thing more. in fact, i'm happy with how it all went.

mommy has gone to msia. so i'm home with edwin.

am feeling kinda sick.

i just wish that The Lord will make me feel better since its christmas season.

have i ever told anyone that i fear christmas? sigh... tell you guys bout it another time.

had lunch with karen at holland. she brought up something about me which i have totally forgotten about. it was damn embarrassing. at least i feel that it is. well we kinda laughed it off. i asked her whether she thinks that i've changed. she said if i compare now and back in jc years. then ya... i did mature alot. cos back then the naive me... just wanted to be a xiao nu ren! like what the hell? dumb ass me!!! i couldnt believe that i wanted that! oh my gosh. no no... no way am i gonna be like tat.

23rd December 05, Friday 12:55 am

fought with edwin last night. crap. complained to my mom and she got so fed up that she banged the door. as a result that man woke up blaming almost everything on me. fuck. i know i'm unreasonable when it comes to edwin. but hey.... i wasnt that unreasonable ok! even my mom understood me. i mean... ya.. i was unreasonable because i insisted that he should not play the com anymore and go to bed. the part where i think i'm reasonable was... he had been playing the com the whole fucking day and it was already late like 10? i needed to sleep badly as i have been having fucking sleeping disorder. it was just nice that i was damn tired and sleepy... see?! so you tell me was i not right to shoo him off?

he came in blasting me off.. fuck... saying things like ever since that incident he has disowned me and ya da ya da... FUCK OFF... excuse me it was me who didnt wanna talk to him in the first place. it was me who do not regard him as my father like all the way back in junior college. fuck the hell off from me. period.

apparently he has been brain washing edwin. so my poor brother got so worked up because of the way i treated his dad. oh ya... when he was telling me off, i nearly wanted to scream back just to vent my anger. nah i didnt. cos my gut feeling told me he would have punched me if i did. anyway... i explained to edwin why my relationship with that man was no longer able to be salvaged. the thought of him just irks me. damn! how can one hate one's father so much? argh. think i need to talk to my aunt to balance this whole shit up.

bumped into suan and damien in citilink. gosh... like what girls like to do whenever they see any familiar faces on the street, we screamed in delight. da da... hahaha... ended up having dinner with both of them and a long long chat with damien. that guy was a pleasant company to have. we talked about .... what else... my current favourite topic... homosexual stuff. something about how he came out... honestly, he's damn out. like no way am i gonna be like him. we talked about heights... how he dislike having to bend down to kiss someone... and what shocked me was the sex part. oh my god! like i said, he's damn OUT! this quote was kinda funny--> "guys think about sex all the time, but gays just do it" haha. it gives me the feeling that guys are impotent :P

and oh my gosh! suan is mad!!! though she's straight, she has this fatish for gays!!! omg omg omg!!! my dear friend is always attracted to gays!!! gotta intro her proper guys before she gets herself into some unpleasant situation. hehe.

it was kinda interesting to gang up with damien to tease suan. haha... that was really fun and enjoyable. opps.

and fuck why is the gay world so colourful and lifely? i'm jealous. damn jealous. maybe that's because damien is cute. any girl would fall for him man... haha too bad lah he prefers erherm... he has this version of reasoning for ppl's sexual orientation which i totally agree with.

its just the utility you get out of sex with a male or female partner... whichever choice it is, there is no absolute normality.

anyway... there's a christmas buffet in the office tmr. good.

in the midst of exploring. if it's true... that's totally awesome. well not really...

21st December 05, Wednesday 1:43 am

im so fucking tired. but i stayed up not because i have insomnia (i hope i'd be able to slp later)... i helped xh do her marketing report. haha. how nice rite? see santa i'm a nice girl! i actually wanted to write the whole report for her... but i was too stressed. cos no research no nothing... how was i supposed to write? i could only try to remember as much as i could... cos its something that i did in year 1 marketing... so the best that i could come up with was just point forms for her... and little advise. i really hope she'd do fine for it. its supposed to due yesterday... poor girl. finished work at 1 and gotta rush home to do the damn thing. i really pity her.

met up with char and jy in suntec. had kenny roger's for dinner. walao.. i was kinda bloated up lah. going out with them was fun. i think they are the only couple that i can go out with. if you know what i mean. i seriously dont mind being their light bulb cos they dont make me feel like one. in fact i feel that the 3 of us are one entity. haha.

went mango with char and poor jy was our maid.. holding my stuff and all the clothes that we picked to be tried. and i bought one sexy top and a pair of pants. damn nice. love playing around with the clothes in the changing area with char. haha. like char said, it doesnt cost a thing to try all the clothes. *wink*

love those 2 loads. they brightened my day by a million.

for once i think being skinny looks ugly.

SIBERIA ROCKZ.

20th December 05, Tuesday 7:07am

as usual i cant sleep. so i decided to come online cos the siberia tune kept repeating itself in my head... yea might as well come online to blog and play the song right? the more i listen to it, the more i like it. actually i really shouldnt. what is it with me and sad love songs? i always have this attraction to them. like as long as its mushy lovey touchy sad love songs.... you'd get me man.

its weird that after checking my results i still have yet blog anything about it. i told suan and yirang i'm upset because i'm not happy when i should be happy about my results. both of them went HUH?! its actually not that hard to understand. well at least i feel that it isnt.

last thursday vik was talking about the release date.... i remember saying something like "i'd like to know how well i did. " something that people usually dont say, i supposed.

its kinda weird... i mean to have such confidence that you'd do well. i guess that's because i already knew that i'd pass most modules cos all the tutors let us know our coursework grades before we enter the exam hall.

to be honest, it didnt really SHOCK me to see my grades. what shocked me more was that the result was already out when i clicked on the review result icon when i was just trying my luck to see whether its out or not. it took me quite awhile to actually realise its this sem's grades.

i'd be tiny winy bit happier if i get an A for research methods. kns... what could have gone wrong when i got A for 70% of the whole module. argh. tourism and soci made a combo surprise.

3 As 2 Bs

i thought i should thank you. though i must say its mostly my hardwork. i guess you didnt know that you made me like marketing more than i actually did. when i was slogging my ass off for the reports and projects, you were kinda there. you listened to my complains... which were pretty irritating.. yes i know. you helped when i had problems with group work. i thought that was the best thing that you did for me (when it comes to sch work) and sweet too. thank you : )

20th December 05, Tuesday 12:34am

i had another late night talk with suan. this time round we got yirang with us.

maybe its time to reevaluate myself, my thinking... mentality etc. i guess its still not too late to do so. :P

had a soci discussion with yirang. haha. what an eye opener... maybe in this case its ear opener. ok lets side track abit... i finally know why i find it hard to click with the thump thump gang... no offence k... i mean if you guys happen to read this... i think we lack the common topic.

though suan is as freaking straight as the netball pole, she's freaking happening in the homo world. haha. damn funny. gay and les also can. opps... dont get me wrong. i mean she has quite a number of les(of cos la.. 60% of the piggy doggy group is already in this category) and gay friends, thus she has lotsa stories to tell. and xh..... she has very interesting love life which we'd always bring up whenever we have gatherings. haha. and yirang.... her soci knowledge about the gender topic is good enough to make an hour long conversation or even longer... haha.

its my first time planning timetable. sianz. so mafan. 4 core modules are more than enough to kill me. damn. and i'm starting to feel the pressure sinking in... i need alot of A+ next sem in order to secure my honours. kns. shitty first year. play lah.... pon lah... don study lah... argh.

im trying to learn all the BSB songs so that by 27th of Jan, i'd be damn pro with them. haha. fia you ought to listen to this... its nice.

Siberia by BSB

When you come back I won't be here
She said and gently pulled me near
If you want to talk you can call
I know it's not your fault

I just smiled and said let go of me
But there's something that I've just gotta know
Did someone else steal my part?
She said it's not my fault

Then my heart did time in Siberia
Was waiting for the life to come true
'Cause it's all so dark and mysterious
When the one you want doesn't want you too

I was drifted in between
Like I was on the outside looking in, yeah yeah
In my dreams you are still here
Like you've always been

Oh yeah, my heart did time in Siberia
Was waiting for the life to come true
'Cause it's all so dark and mysterious
When the one you want doesn't want you too

I gave myself away completely
But you just couldn't see me
Though I was sleeping in your bed
'Cause someone else was on your mind
In your head

When I came back she wasn't there
Just a note left on the stairs
If you want to talk give me a call

My heart did time in Siberia
Was waiting for the life to come true
'Cause it's all so dark and mysterious
When the one you want doesn't want you too
When the one that you want doesn't want you

My heart did time in Siberia
Was waiting for the life to come true
'Cause it's all so dark and mysterious
When the one you want doesn't want you too

Siberia, Siberia
When the one you want doesn't want you too

19th December 2005, Monday 4:23pm

i read fia's latest blog entry and i thought it was kinda cute. i remember doing it whenever its christmas season. but for some reason, i kinda miss that out this year.well at least i'm still not late to do it now, so here it goes...
--------------------------------------------------
Dearest Santa,

i cant say that i've been a good girl but neither am i bad. i can justify myself. lets just say that i've tried to be good.

i tried my best to be honest to my mom whenever i can. i always tell her everything about me so that our relationship will stay as strong. and most of the time, i feel that my mom just takes that for granted. i love her more than anything else though at times i'd throw tantrum at her. i'm not good at hiding my emotion. so if i'm in a lousy mood, and if she happens to irritate me, i'd just flare up. BUT... i'd always make it up by explaining myself. on a whole i think i'm still a good daughter. i was there for her when she needed me. i'd do things to make her happy... ya da ya da ya da.... so bottom line is i'm still quite a good girl.

as for my brothers... i'm good to edward. period. edwin is just a different case. he's always stepping on my tail. gosh. i care for him. probably in a different way. it could be the age gap. i find it hard to communicate with him. honestly, i think i bully him 365days. oppsy. BUT HE IS REALLY VERY IRRITATING! if he has half of edward's character, i swear i'd treat him differently. so i'm good to edward, not so good to edwin... and that would cancel each other out. so i'm an ok girl.

well... i'm a super nice girl when it comes to my friends. at least i think i am. haha. let me see... i'd help whenever i can. i'd always make it a point to think for others... i'd cheer them up when they are down. i'd lend them my ears when they need me to.

i dont lie, steal, rob, cheat ya da ya da ya da....

ok maybe i did lie a few times. but its really nothing big. i did that because i didnt feel like turning up for meetings. so you peeps can go and guess which outings i pangseyed. by the way its not all meetings k. just a few. less than a handful. *wink*

alright... i guess the worst thing that i did was.... this incident.... i picked a phone and i didnt return it! argh!!!! i swear to god under normal circumstances i would have returned it. but when i lost a phone why didnt that person who picked it return me?! so its a DRAW then.

and maybe i was a little mean to desmond. that's because he wasnt nice to me in the first place. after the whole drama, we are still friends. yeap....

hey i forgot to mention... i was hardworking! haha... i wasnt lazy... so that makes me a very good girl.

so having said all that...
santa santa...
all i want for christmas is
to be happy.

see i'm not asking for much.

haha... cos i know i'm happy
when i dont have to worry for money.
when i do well for exams. (ultimately getting honours)
when my family is healthy and fine.
when my relationships with my family and friends are good!
and... most importantly... ya da ya da. haha.

so all these come in a package.


love,
Janet.
--------------------------------------------------

dearie i'm proud of you.

omg omg... i almost forgot about this song...
its sooooooo cute... was listening to my media player and it came up. so i went to search for the lyrics. you know i never really know the lyrics for the song though i've heard it more than 30 times or so. after going through the lyrics... omg i'm so touched lah. so fucking sweet. and now its on repeat mode : )

Loney by Akon

Lonely im so lonely,
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn
Im so lonely, im mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
To call my owwnnn
Im so lonely,

Yo this one here goes out to all my playas out there ya know got to have one good girl whose always been there like ya
Know took all the bullshit then one day she cant take it no more and decides to leave

I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side, coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her I was
Feenin, so I hadda take a little ride, back tracking over these few years, tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad, cuz
Ever since my girl left me, my whole life came crashin

Im so lonely (so lonely),
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl
Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Cant belive I hadda girl like you and I just let you walk right outta my life, after all I put u thru u still stuck
Around and stayed by my side, what really hurt me is I broke ur heart, baby you were a good girl and I had no right, I
Really wanna make things right, cuz without u in my life girl

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody to call my own)
To call my own (to call my own) girl
Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Been all about the world ain't neva met a girl that can take the things that you been through
Never thought the day would come where you would get up and run and I would be out chasing you
Cuz aint nowhere in the globe id rather be, aint noone in the globe id rather see then the girl of my dreams that made me
Be so happy but now so lonely

So lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)
Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girrll

Never thought that id be alone, I didnt hope you'd be gone this long, I jus want u to call my phone, so stop playing girl and
Come on home (come on home), baby girl I didn't mean to shout, I want me and you to work it out, I never wished Id ever
Hurt my baby, and its drivin me crazy cuz...

Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)
Im so lonely (so lonely)
Im mr. Lonely (mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girll
Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, (so lonely),
Mr. Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, so lonely, (so lonely), Mr. Lonely

pleasant surprise

guess what? i was in the library trying to get the right book and suddenly someone called my name. i was expecting to see a classmate or probably an acquaintant. but to my surprise, upon turning i saw JOAN HENDERSON. oppsy. so we chatted for awhile. its 10:46pm now and she's on a plane back to scotland i supposed. i remember her saying she's from scotland... hmmm i hope i get that right. anyway it doesnt really matter. i'm just surprised that she bothered to call me... i mean which professor would do that? most of the time they'd just pretend that they didnt see you... especially when you were busy doing something and didnt see them in the first place. hmmm as i said before, she's a nice lady. so when will i bump into cindy chung? haha.

i had a long chat with suan last night. or rather damn early in the morning at 12 plus all the way to 3 am. i couldnt sleep so i called her. we talked about alot of stuff. her stories were damn entertaining... hahaha. its been awhile since the last time we got together and talked cock. if only xh were there. i bet it would have added more spice to the conversation.

sometimes when people are so caught up with something, i guess they should step back and think about it again. look at life from a different angle. and then they'd realise that they might have taken something for granted. on my way home, when the cool breeze was blowing against my whole body, it just appeared to me that i've been so blessed with all the friends that i have. how am i ever gonna thank them?

"A" once asked what's the difference between a lover and a friend? what do you think?

karen called last night before i went to meet suan. i truly believe she's an angel sent to guide me. how weird and silly. i mean... she just has this thing in her that would make me feel peaceful after talking to her. its like getting an emotional boost injection from her. like i'd be able to handle anything that's thrown to me. of cos there are times that you'd be so mad at her... for example her being late all the time. and its not 5 to 10 minutes kinda late but 30min to an hour kind. then there's the last minute pulling out from an event... ya da ya da... well who's perfect huh?

chinablack

it was damn f up. i felt so guilty for wasting my friends' money. i should have made sure everything was going well as planned before asking vik to purchase the ticket. and i didnt know shilei was planning to leave early... so that was a total $32 wasted for them. i am truly sorry dearie.

then again... i didnt really waste the tickets. errr... i used the drink coupons. 3 vodka(special thanx to vik and dearie) and 2 terquillas (one was on suan). to be honest it was my first time trying terquilla. why must they put salt on the rim of that small little glass? and why must we lick the salt first, then suck the lemon before gulping the liquid in? and boy... i thought it was better than vodka. hahaha.

the music was ok at first. really really... but it got worse. so stupid lah. i began to wonder what the hell was wrong with the fucking stupid dj. cant he made the transition a bit smoother? and what the hell... cant he tell that a combo of its my life and the reason is a big NO NO. DJs... urgh (rolled my eyes)

courtesy of xh.. i got home safely feeling a bit giddy. tried to drag my feet to the toilet for a bath and i was in bed shortly after that. when i shut my eyes, the world was spinning round and round and round. konked out within 1 min. i thought that would sent me to my dreamland for the next 8 hours or so. but still i got up at fucking 6plus. walao i fell asleep at 3 only lah! and then 8 plus, 10 plus and 12 plus.... so screwed up.

i am not having insomnia! argh.

they(i donno who.. some ppl) said the results will be out next week. so dearie predicted the best time would be on monday. i'm like looking forward to it, yet not looking forward. i wanna know how well i did. but so what if i know my results? argh... and then there's the planning of time table. another hectic semester with loads of work. no more cindy chung. argh.

i always wonder if there's no reincarnation then why is there such a word. i always believe in it even if ppl kept saying one would only go to heaven or hell after death. which is of cos scary. cos i know i'd be in hell if that's the case. i hope i didnt misinterprete karen's words but at least from my understanding, according to her, if i dont change myself and follow what god teaches then i'd be in hell. like liking a girl. so believing in reincarnation, getting a second life, a second chance is my only way out of this whole scary thought. i mean who will wanna be in hell and be burnt for eternity? and thank god... i found out from vik that there is really reincartion. hahahahaha. and it was in the BIBLE! ppl are given a second chance... so ya da ya da ya da. i wont be burnt for eternity.

dvd marathon

i didnt wanna blog. cos there arent much to say. but it just crossed my mind that i cant resist signing into blogspot since i'm online. argh.

had a major dvd marathon. and i really mean it. its the record set by far. let me see... 18 discs withing 24 hours with only a few hours of sleep. i swear that if i have part 3 for the show, i'd continue watching... speaking of which.. i cant wait to get part 3 from my tenon. argh. she lent it to her friend. so sad lah.

arent you ppl curious? i mean... what kinda show would make me sit in front of the com for almost 24hours? hahaha... nah i'm not gonna reveal the title. just say that i'm a sucker for romance.

sob sob sob.

the story is sooooo touching, hilarious and, of cos, something that would never happen in reality.

記憶像遊樂園般精采
我們像對戀人相愛
幸福是應該不會是當然
只怪我們都太貪玩

思念像雲朵般柔軟
而你靜靜躺在我胸懷
我像是任性走失的小孩
緊緊抱著孤單

我們都曾經明白　也都曾經遺憾
錯過了愛　就難以重來
不要害怕去坦白　怕容易被你寵壞
忘了該與不該

＊到哪裡找回真愛　找回所有遺憾
愛的真相　就能夠解開
多給我一些片段　拼湊未知的意外
失去記憶最初的愛

我是被你遺忘的精采
你卻帶著記憶離開
心跳是我們唯一的呼喊
提醒我們曾經相愛

你的笑像陽光般燦爛
小心翼翼藏在我口袋
在我脆弱時給了我溫暖
誰也無法取代

但我們都曾明白　也都曾經遺憾
一旦錯過　就難以重來
不要害怕去坦白　怕又容易被寵壞
忘了該與不該

refreshing archives

i read my old entries. the really old ones. a few headings caught my eyes. especially this particular one. after reading it, i cant seem to recall how upset i was. i mean i know i was really really really upset but i could not feel the pain that i once felt. no pain, no anger, no sadness. then there are some happy ones. seems like my memory is failing on me. i cant remember somethings that i once did. sigh.

i want to be away.

survivor time.

dreams

i dreamt of the same person for three consecutive nights. sianz.

i'm supposed to go sun tanning in sentosa with xh today. damn that girl. for some reason the tanning outing was canceled last night. my friday dinner was canceled too. whatever. seriously, i'm not angry with anyone but the very fact that one event is canceled after another. argh. so i have to replan everything. especially when i'm not workign this week. i dont want to be idling around at home.

thank god dearie msged me in the morning informing me that she's finally back to this tropical island of singapore. yeah yeah yeah... i can go out with her now. i dont mean now as in literally though. that bitch not only went to malaysia but all the way up to thailand. freako. she must have had a freaking good time in both malaysia and thailand when i was slogging my ass in citibank.

i have this urge to go for vacation for the next couple of days or so. i know i have to work soon, so while i have the time to rest, i feel like going away.

anyway... i went shopping with my mama yesterday. cant believe i bought some unnecessary stuff and they are not cheap at all. we ended up in the pasar malam at night. cos my lazy mama didnt cook. so i suggested that we could get our dinner there. cant remember when was the last time i went to a pm. i kinda missed the corn and bird nest. so i had that for dinner. oh i bought a pack of tutu too. i thought my mom would know what the hack that was. surprisingly she didnt. haha. so that clearly explained why i didnt know what it was when someone offered that to me. like mother like daughter. *wink*

i feel like sleeping again. damn piggy lah. i woke up at 12 and i'm going to sleep at 1:30pm !!! my mom is so going to scream my ass off the bed.

i thought i was going to post this song by madona, die another day. but after looking at the lyrics.. i find it abit off. cos they simply dont make sense at all. nvm... i'm going to post a bsb one instead.

Just Want You To Know

Looking at your picture from when we first met
You gave me a smile that I could never forget
And nothing I could do could protect me from you that night

Wrapped around your finger, always on my mind
The days would blend 'cause we stayed up all night
Yeah, you and I were everything, everything to me

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

All the doors are closing I'm tryin' to move ahead
And deep inside I wish it's me instead
My dreams are empty from the day, the day you slipped away

I just want you to know that I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That since I lost you, I lost myself
No I can't fake it, there's no one else

I just want you to know
That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

That I've been fighting to let you go
Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end
I wish that I could believe that there's a day you'll come back to me
But still I have to say I would do it all again
Just want you to know

edward's commission

i can only think of one incident that i was so freaking proud of myself and he was too. that was the day that i received my A level result. i remember that very day, i was crying even before i queued up for the result slip. i think it was mr mooi (my form tutor) who made me cried. he said something to me which made me thought that i flung my A's. edward, my beloved brother, saw me and i really had no idea what was in his mind that day. he queued up and got my results for me. he was the first person to see my grades. all the while i was so scared and i got a little panicky i guessed. when he teared and jumped up in joy for me, i knew i made it through. i could see pure happiness in him even though it was only my result, not his. he was so proud of me. we hugged and both of our faces were wet with tears, especially mine.

and today, it was my turn to feel so FUCKING PROUD of my brother. when he marched in, we kept searching for that black small face. everyone looked the same on the parade square with their number ones. when we thought we spotted him, theresa took quite a number of photos only to realise that it wasnt him. when finally we caught sight of him, my mom was just overwhelmed with a mixture of feelings. me too. i almost teared. i swear to god if i was there alone i would have cried for him. when they stomped their feet, it was like WOW. man... they were great. when he sang the ocs song, it was my turn to be overwhelmed. i could not be any more proud for him than anyone else, including myself. for a minute or so i wished it was my commision. haha. there was this part when parents and friends were asked to go to the parade square. parents had to take down the old rank( i donno what that is called, you know the one that soldiers put on the shoulders) and put on the new one for their sons. the last time when edward was in tekong, none of us went because it was a friday. his dad was working, mommy was taking care of junkai and junior and i was in school. so no family member did it for him and his sir had to help him. it was like how sad. this time round he had his mother to do it for him. anyway... my mother was shivering lah! walao eh... donno for what?! she was taking a damn long time removing the button and putting on the new rank... she couldnt even slide the thing in... so i had to help edward with the other one. by the time i finished, my mom was still trying very hard. it was then i realised my mom's hand was kinda shaking. haha... so funny lor. theresa took quite a few shots of me helping my brother with that. and it just happened that one of the photo had the sunlight shining damn fucking brightly on his face... it was like THE MAN WITH HONOUR. though i looked like shit in that particular photo... it really doesnt matter :) after that we had dinner with the president and of cos other officer cadets' parents. the food sucked. but i'm just glad that i was there for my brother.

it was kinda funny that for his commision he had 4 females supporting and cheering for him when others had, you know, fathers, brothers and other male friends. so we called it the girl power. haha. so next week he'll be bringing theresa to the commision ball. walao the tix was damn fucking expensive. $125 per tix which means that he paid a total of $250 for a dinner in a 5 star hotel.. i forgot which one is it.. $250!!! if i top up a bit more, i can get 2 front row tix for bsb concert.. speaking of which i am going to get the $70 ones. i saw the seating plan. eventhough its the highest seats, i'd still be able to see them perform. so its ok.

so back to my brother... besides paying for the ball tix, he's planning to sponsor theresa her gown! walao eh.. how come i dont have?! i have to get my own dress lor. and my mom got me this set of jewelry for this coming d&d. how nice. just because im going with a guy. damn her. speaking of which the jewelry is still with theresa... and i told edward to get the gown from perfect in black. my favourite. the best boutique to get a dress. my friends thought that i was out of my mind when i bought this top, which only consists of a piece of thin black cloth and a string, for 80 bucks. haha.

i'd post edward's commision's photos once theresa has them burnt in a cd. before i end this post,
let me say this...

i'm extremely proud of my brother.
a gentleman and an OFFICER.
he's definitely a good catch.
damn theresa.

waiting

dearie when will you be back? i'm still waiting you know. besides the settler's outing, i wanna go clubbing with you. i've planned. haha. ok not actually. it just seems like most of my friends are either broke... (err me too but i dont mind spending some money on booze) or schling (weird timetable). so you're the only clubbing kaki that i have! pls come back soon. i miss you.

i just finished a mj game at jy's place. it was more than just fun. finally xh passed me the bangkok sweater. i really dont understand why she wouldnt let me choose when suan was not around. yea... she was partly correct that the quiksilver print would catch my attention, but i chose the other one! haha. i think the overall design was nicer for the other one. if only i have the photos to show you ppl.

think im falling sick. damn sick. the weather was extraordinarily cold today. especially in the office. it was as though the aircon was free. i had headache and couldnt wait to be on my way back. luckily it was citibank's d&d day. so i got to go home at 5. anyway i had diarrheao after lunch. initially i thought it must be the carl's junior's food which was treated by richard. i was really touched. last june holiday, no one treated us anything. and richard was so nice to bring angelia and i out for lunch cos it was my last day. so we bought him godiva chocolate as a token of appreciation. oh i asked richard whether he was from acs or not. cos he behaves like a typical one. and true enough he was. and i was flattered by his reply... "oh you were from mg too right?" so that got us started on a very interesting topic. i said no. and angelia quickly said, "then you must be from hij right?"... aiya... if only i was. so sad lor... when ppl think that i was from a girl school and i was not. especially when they named any convent school. i've always wanted to be in one. and they are not the only one. even my ntu friends think so too.

ok i kinda digressed a little. back to my diarrheao thing. (btw i just came back from the toilet! walao since i came home its already the second time!) i dont think its the food. honestly i'm not sure. how could it be the food? nothing happened to angelia, richard, jessica or lalitha. and i've been having my mens lately. so freaking weird. i thought i lost count of my mens. its not supposed to be here... at least not for another week or so. so lalitha said it could be due to the stress that i'm going through. like hell no! what kinda stress do i have? mad. but i do know that whenever my mens is here, i'd have some kinda mini diarrheao. ya i know its weird. but today is a major major one. i remember rushing to the toilet from the volt and the rest is up to your imagination. sickening man.

and i hurt my toe AGAIN during training. this time round it was really bad. the blood wont stop oozing out. actually i dont think its blood. its just a mixture of blood and some other form of liquid. so its still oozing out now and then. sophia advised me to pluck out the nail. siao! how painful and ugly is that! however, i dont think i have a choice. sad case.

argh.

tired. i'm going to bed liao... before i fall ill. need plenty of rest.

i'm dead tired. argh.

wondering

i'm wondering how would things turn out if i enrolled myself into nus instead of ntu. i probably would have flung there. could it have been better to be in there? nah... i'd miss the chance of knowing my dearies.

friday is going to be my last day. dont think the work load is alot though i added ot today. i hope i can work for another week or so. cos i want the money. its never never never enough.

i had lunch with angelia. she got me fooled! kns. i thought she is 25 or so. but no. she's only 22 and she has a 5 mths old baby boy already! soooooo crazy lah. lunching with her is so much better than with the other 2. felt sorry that i had to leave lalitha with them. anyway tmr i'm going to have my lunch with richard. haha. suan are you shocked?! he came over to me and asked me out for lunch tmr. i really dont mind. he's quite a nice chap.

i'm so tired.

oh i'm going little india with lalitha tmr! yippee. and i've decided that i might wanna get the black motorola razor. the photo that dearie posted was kinda nice. its sleek and slim. so many celebrities are using it. well i guess i'm going to check out the price...

waiting for my corn only...

chaoz.

not alone

i'm so glad that i'm not the only one who thinks that the both of them are childish. my new found friend in citibank, lalitha, thinks so too. she was telling me that for the past few months, she had been rather quiet. why? cos those two girls are totally opposite of her. most of the time they talk nonsense and sometimes one just wishes to be as far away from them as possible. so now, with me in the picture, lalitha is rescued from the "hell". haha.

why elaine and lyea are childish:

reason no1:
elaine loves saying this in her ultra cheena tone,
"i'm so jealous you know"
over what? small little things like--> i was eating horfun and she was eating nasi lemak.. jealous over my horfun? eat it the next day lah! by the way its not just that you know. i think she says that at least 5 times a day.

reason no2:
elaine and lyea always talk nonsense.

reason no3:
they are simply mad. one day they eat alot and the other day they started preaching about eating healthy and for that day's lunch, they would only eat fruits. siao.

reason no4:
this is the ultra one. i've been suspecting that they don't really like me. and by chance, i found out from lalitha that they are kinda scared of me. why? simply because i have funky short hair. and that is not just it. they suspected that i like girls (cos i have short hair) which makes them feel more wary of me. like at any minute i might like them! siao! nuts. so they started teasing lalitha whenever they saw her talking to me. and it annoyed the hell out of me when they kept wispering to each other straight after i talked to them. really nut case leh. so lalitha got so tired of them doing that, she decided to stand up for me and told them off. as a result, the teasing didnt stop, instead it got abit worse. poor lalitha. so according to elaine and lyea, i'm lalitha's beloved lover. *ROLL MY EYES CLOCKWISE AND ANTICLOCKWISE*

reason no5:
i hate it when people slang. and lyea loves doing that. ok i know this doesnt really justify why lyea is childish.

well remember i said before, both of them are childish. the only difference is that one is more childish than the other. and elaine happens to be the more childish one. at the age of 21, she behaves like a 15. *roll my eyes again*

oh this was so freaking hilarious. lyea, elaine, lalitha and i were eating in the pantry. i donno how we ended up talking about boobs. so elaine said something like exchanging her boobs for lalitha. lalitha literally rolled her eyes and i saw that! haha. she was caught by me. she simply snapped back, "more like you need mine." at that moment, i couldnt help but burst out. haha. silly elaine just said whatever was in her mind. honestly i really dont know what she was thinking. it was so obvious that lalitha was the most voluptious one among us.

so tmr, i'm going to eat with angelia. i have been helping her for the past few days. as a matter of fact, i added ot today because of her. haha. she's a nice lady. i made a mistake today and she kinda covered it for me. i sent out the wrong stuff to the lawyers and they resent it back to us. so hweenah was puzzled and she found out it was my mistake. angelia quickly told her that it was my first time and probably it was her fault for not giving me a clear instruction. how nice was that. i'm kinda touched. after hweenah left, she even consoled me which really made me feel so much better. for the last vacation i always dreaded to go to work. but its so different now. i love working and i dont mind adding ot everyday. i love keeping myself busy. and i love feeling indispensable. hehe.

maryjane will be back tmr. i hope i will still have tons of things to do. if, unfortunately, the work volume reduces, then i'd have to say bye bye to citibank this friday. so sad!

oh... i thought i hallucinated that there will be a bsb concert this december. turns out that i wasnt. haha. elaine comfirmed that there really is one.

stupid blogger

ok don be mislead by the time. i hate this blogger thingy... dont know why they took away the date and time adjustment icons. bleah. so by rite its 11:28pm now. and yes i ought to be in bed already. my body clock has tuned to sleeping by 10pm and waking up at 7am in the morning. argh... i have no idea whether to be happy over it or what?!

i just finished reading a few blogs. one got me so touched that i almost teared. it really has nothing that concerned me, i was just being kpo and it was so fucking sweet. i'm not jealous but i was filled with envy. anyhow... moving on...

the next blog got me thinking bout meeting the thump thumps. i know you guys are reading... i'll just be honest. i'm not ready in meeting you all yet for whatever reason. hopefully i'll see you peeps by christmas. i hope the bond that i built is strong enough to last till then. i guess my problem is me feeling different. its always it. i still love you peeps. but i feel that i fit in much better last time cos i was the happy bubbly me. sometimes i wish i can just rewind time and be back in outram. yet i know its not gonna happen. i feel that i have to hide part of me when i go out with you peeps. like im just not in the mood to crack jokes or join in the crazy fun that you girls are enjoying. neither do i wanna spoil the fun. you know. i hope you all understand. for the time being i just want to be quiet.

i feel that i'm such a bitch. sometimes one needs to work hard to keep the friendship but i'm not doing so. im too exhausted to talk about all these. its so hard to be fair to everyone. to prioritise. often i'd just pray that people will know, understand and forgive. is this the kinda life most of us are living after school? what is going to happen 5 years down the road? will we still be seeing one another? will we still hang out when we are in our fifties? will we still be waiting to catch the sunrise like we used to? but how can all these happen when someone is not doing anything? doesnt it take two hands to clap?

let me rest for awhile k. i mean a long long while.

mommy is sick. emotionally, mentally and physically. i'd bring her to bangkok if i have the money. i guess that will help. if there is reincarnation, i'd still be her daughter. maybe a better one. she needs lotsa rest and relaxation.

actually i wanted to talk about the star award. nah... its getting late. i like biren's outfit though. :P she's gorgeous. so is michelle chia. wee yew weet.

oh i remember what i wanted to blog already! i watch "who's your daddy" in the afternoon! oh my fucking gawd. its about a high school guy striking lottery. not litteraly of course. his biological parents died, leaving him a good hell lot of fortune. and i'm talking about 87million over her. good lord! fucking lucky him man. so i was fantasizing what would it be like if i have that kinda fortune. oh the show started off with this girl having sex with a guy and my mom was like, "is this blue film?! are you watching a blue film???" freaky man. initially i thought it wasnt. i mean it really wasnt but the start off kinda kept me wondering too. so i told her, "errr no lah... i dont think so. its bout college life and anyway im 21! for god sake." hahaha.. luckily it wasnt. how awkward it is to watch blue film with my mom. there were lotsa boobsies jingling around though. *wink*

i'll end this with yet another bsb's.
It's True

Even the lover makes a mistake sometimes.
Like any other, fall out and lose his mind.
And I'm sorry. For the things that I did.
For your teardrops over words I said.
Can you forgive me, and open your heart once again.
Oh yeah

It's true. I mean it. From the bottom of my heart.
Yeah it's true with out you I would fall apart.

What ever happened. I know that I was wrong.
Oh yes. Can you believe me, maybe your faith is gone.
Oh yes it is

but I love you, and I will always will, so
I wonder if you want me still.

Can you forgive me
And open your heart once agian.

It's true
yes it's true
I mean it
Yeah
From the bottom of my heart, yeah it's true
It's true
With out you, I would fall apart
I'd do anything to make it up to you.
So please understand.
And open your heart once agian.

It's true
Ohhh
I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
From the bottom of my heart
It's true, with out you I would fall apart
It's true
You know it's true baby
I mean it.
You know I mean it
From the bottom of my heart
From the bottom of my heart.
Yeah it's true
I mean it
Without you I would fall apart
Oh , oh yeah. it's true

stick or snake

dearie told me a story about stick and snake. i dont know how the hell she could make so much sense out of an ordinary documentary that she watched. well i must say that i've learnt alot from it. :) it allowed me to see an issue from another perspective. thanx dearie. you always make things a tiny winy bit better for me. i'll remember that story for the rest of my life.

i'm doing more than just fine in citibank. as you can tell from my previous entries, i'm beginning to like my colleagues. i mean those from hweenah's team. first of all hweenah was easy going, richard was extra nice to me yesterday. he offered to get a pie and a drink for me. i mean which laojiao will be so nice to temp staff? as compared to S**c*y. haha. in return, i stayed back a little while longer to retrieve all the files that he wanted. i'm closest to angela. she's great. cos she complimented me. haha. she said that i should be a model... blah blah blah which i totally agreed (having angel's wings on my back now) but the one that got me off guard was that i'm indispensable. that was absolutely a WOW. let me see... what else did i left out? richard praised me for my intelligence and meticulousness. hweenah was impressed with my attitude for work. ya da ya da ya da. i'm really happy working there which is pretty unbelievable. i'm so hoping that they'll want me for the whole month of december.

ok next up will be the things that i'm looking forward to.

i cant wait for dearie to be back from malaysia so that we can go to Settler's. as she has promised to go with me. i'm not sure whether i'd want to go on weekdays cos i'll be working. weekend will be abit to ex and i dont think its worth it. regardless of when we are going... we are definitely going. hopefully i'll be able to go with karen and gang. cos i miss her. she's my invincible angel. like i know i can always look for her when i'm in shit. and even if i dont, i know she's kinda there for me. anyhow... dearie pls be back soon.

i was going to say that i'm looking forward to this zouk party or rather herstory party that suan asked me to go. too bad xunhui cant make it. freak ass. hmmm maybe i can ask dearie to go with me and suan. i heard that they renovated zouk and i havent been there since my sport's camp party which was eon years ago. how pathetic is that.

i'm kinda excited to attend this d&d thing that a friend had asked me to go. haha. i thought i'd be nice to help him out. have i ever told anyone that i'm the nicest girl on earth? haha. anyway i felt honoured that he asked me to go... it kinda boosted up my ego. *wink* i've already chosen the dress that i'll like to wear. its absolutely gorgeous. of cos it has to be cos i bought it. and i only wore it once... it has its sentimental value.

hey... i almost forgot. i'm going to buy my specs! yippee...

trying to survive

hweenah told me that since i'm doing those letters, she'd increase my pay to $6.50. though its a mere 50 cents, it is still money, isnt it? haha. i've calculated. each week i'll have about $20 extra which is of course great. money is never enough for everyone. when she informed me bout my pay increment, i couldnt help feeling that christine would be damn jealous if she knows about this. haha. i think hweenah's gang really likes me. perhaps its because i often look very enthusiastic about my job. i took the initiative to help everyone to retrieve and put back files. to me, its the easiest and most brainless job. of course not many people enjoy doing it. i dont particularly love it but its fine with me. i guess its much better than acting busy. i'm begining to feel that those people think i'm a genius for retrieving files. the only problem i have with my job is the letters. maybe doing letters sounds easy to you people. well its totally not. i'm talking about giving financial advice kinda letters. yeah... you got me right. its for those banking and finance students. luckily, i'm a little incline to b&f, so hweenah said i'm fine with doing those letters alone. just that i have typo errors! argh. i felt bad that she had to check for me and asked me to amend all those unnecessary typo erros. how careless can i be?!

weirdly, today my colleagues didnt have lunch with me. it was as though they had read my entry for yesterday. haha. i didnt feel sad or anything. it was kinda like ok loh.. i'll eat alone. so i went to guardian to get a copy of cleo and i ate popiah while reading it. that's how i spent my one hour of break. i was wrong about people giving weird looks to you when you're eating alone. maybe its because i was sitting at a corner so not many people noticed me. or maybe i was just too occupied with my magazine. haha.

tmr is friday! finally. i'm so looking forward to it. partly its because friday is a casual day for office people and weekend is coming. i get to rest finally.

oh i forgot to put on my power bands before i went to work this morning. for once i felt relax. or rather my teeth felt so. i was excited to see my dentist last week cos i knew he was going to give my power bands. ya call me crazy. i cant wait to get my braces off. to think that i was so happy and excited to put it on a year ago. i'm getting tired of it. feeling pain every month is not enjoyable at all (i already have my monthly aunty to put up with). having to endure the inconvenience that it causes is just argh.. i dont even have a word to describe it. having said that, i'm counting down to the day that i get to say bye bye to those metalic stuff. :P

bsb's songs are fabulous. i am truly madly deeply in love with their songs. if you were to ask me to pick my favourite, honestly i'd have a hard hard time doing so. on average, i have 5 favourites in each album. i guess millenium is my favourite album. well... its actually a tough choice between millenium and black and blue. so anyway... here's one of my all time favourite:

How Did I Fall In Love With You
by BSB

Remeber when, we never needed each other
The best of friends like
Sister and Brother
We understood, we'd never be,
Alone

Those days are gone, and I want so much
The night islong and I need your touch
Don't know what to say
I never meant to feel this way
Don't want to be
Alone tonight

chorus:
What can I do, to make it right
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

I hear your voice
And I start to tremble
Brings back the child that, I resemble
I cannot pretend, that we can still be friends
Don't want to be,
Alone tonight

chorus:
What can I do, to make it right
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

Bridge:
Oh I want to say this right
And it has to be tonight
Just need you to know, oh yeah

I don't want to live this life
I don't want to say goodbye
With you I wanna spend
The rest of my life

chorus:
What can I do, to make it right
Falling so hard so fast this time
What did I say, what did you do?
How did I fall in love with you?

What can I do, to make it right
Falling so hard so fast this time
Everything's changed, we never knew

How did I fall,
in love ,
with you?

back

dearie... i saw that. kinda knew it was for me from the start. but half way through i was thinking maybe not... haha.. u know what i mean. but yeah... i really appreciate that. :) love you lots.

i'm finally back.

first of all let me announce to the world that i'm back with a super short haircut. thanx to sandstorm. i absolutely did not intent to have that length. i thought it looked kinda long when my hair was wet. but damn that May (my new hairstylist)! she cut my fringe! my lovely dyed fringe. bleah. as usual i got scolded, nagged and criticised by my mom. i was so annoyed with her that i snapped back, "my hair or yours? as long as i like can already lah! and it doesnt mean that having long hair means that i wont like girls." opps... haha. she was so so so upset. i finally had "the talk" with her. i was lying on my bed and she was just beside me... told her everything. missed nothing at all. ok not really... i kinda left out some tiny details. i dont know whether she teared or not, but she was mumbling stuff like my aunt has three daughters and they are all attached to guys... she was so happy that they have found true happiness and ya da ya da ya da... and again, i snapped," remember she bought you goreng pisangs when we were having cold wars? how sweet was that? you think guys will bother?!" haha... i think that night my mom was totally speechless. maybe it was due to the fact that i've been planning my speech. hahaha..

i've started working at citibank. thought that i would have a tough time there cos i'm working for hweenah and gang. walao... i remember the last time christine worked for them, everyday at work she was like in misery and nothing else. well it turned out to be a total opposite of that for me. the letters were not that hard and richard was very nice to me. and thank goodness, i dont have to work for that redridinghood. yet.buahhaha. and hweenah was very kind to me too. i dont have to report to them everyday just to get my time sheet signed. oh and i added ot today. walao first week of work and i've already added an hour of ot. how freaking kiasu was that? nah. there were tons of work to do, which was goood. i hate acting busy like i used to. and i want the MONEY for vacation.

speaking of which. WHAT IS IT WITH BANGKOK?! damn... xh just came back from there and i'm still waiting for my bangkok sweater which she claimed to be nice. katherine, an ex-colleague, also just came back from there. and elaine is going there on the 14th of dec. and i talked to amelia the other day, she was planning to go there in early jan! walao eh! everybody is going there!!! i'm fuck jealous. oh by the way, i saw this online advertisement 10 min ago, the price for one tix to bangkok is only $18. what the fuck!!!! omg omg omg.

did i say that hweenah wanted me to work til end of dec, that is if the work volume is high. which means that i'd be able to save up money. provided that i dont spend the saving on unnecessary stuff like spex? haha.. no spex are important and definitely a must to have. i saw this damn cool one when i was shopping with my colleagues during lunch break today. the design that i picked was a thick blue plastic square frame. but lyea said i dont look good cos its blue. how could i possibly not look good?! wth. haha. anyway she chose a purple one instead. cool! my fav colour. and well... she was right. purple one was nicer. hehe. i want i want! i forgot to mention that the shop is offering 40% discount for all spex and it only costs me less than $150 for the spex that i like. oh dearie... they have gucci shades there too... *wink wink*

i need peace in me. i get irritated very easily lately. and i cant stand noice. sometime i wish that i'm alone. ironically, i dont like having lunch alone cos people look at you with those strange eyes when you are eating alone. eew. and unfortunately, my colleagues are those who are super chatty and... argh.. sometimes it got my wondering was it better to be alone or to eat with them. it seems like some of them are pretty childish (more like both of them, the only difference is one is more childish than the other). i hope they didnt notice me rolling my eyes at them when they said something stupid. sigh sigh sigh.

shit.. i'm having backache now. my legs are hurting pretty badly too. oh before i touch on that i almost forgot... i'm so pleased with myself today. too bad there arent any mei mei in citibank for me to buaya.. (not like i'm a buaya) walao eh... i totally fall for myself today man. woohoo.. haha. damn andro-ish and good looking. hahaha. the only thing was.. opppsy. i wore heels. haha. that explain the pain that i'm enduring now. i cant wear slippers to work so i had to put on heels. argh. i wish friday is here... or rather everyday is friday so that i can wear shoes.

ok i'm off. need to eat.

BSB concert

i missed robin gibb's concert
so...
this time round,
it's not going to happen to bsb's.

Disappeared

Disappeared.

kick ass

i realised all that i needed was someone to tell me to "kick ass" to make me feel a tiny winy bit better.

thanx jace.

panic

out of all the modules, sociology is the only one that really makes me panic, like hell! that lecturer was quite disorganised. her notes were like junks. argh... basically if you dont go for her lecture, you're pretty screwed up. trust me. i realised for this sem, they decided to change the soci textbook and freak ass.. so the whole exam format will be quite different. i cant refer to the past year papers. by the way the past year papers were all pretty text book based which is good. i mean you can just read and learn by yourself. now... i feel like my ass is on fire.

sad sadder saddiest

i watched just like heaven for the second time. well of course it didnt make me feel as touched as the first time cos i knew what was going to happen next. nonetheless the humour was worth my 5 bucks.

just finished this hongkong show. i think its an oldie. the ending was kinda crappy. anyway the show was about 3 girls trying to be famous while struggling to keep their love life intact. oh i was just interested in these lesbian couple part.... haha... cos the andro had this charm in her... even i got "dian" by her. haha. actually to be honest, i think the actress failed to portray her androish character leh... its more like the script helped her looked androish.. anyway she was out to hook this str8 girl. walao it was damn obvious that the girl would fall for her cos the things she did was of cos, very cliche, predictable but still girls would die to just be persued that way. so as you ppl can imagine, i was ooooing and ahing. cant remember how many times mouthed the phrase "oh sooooo sweet" haha. aiya... anyway the ending was kinda sad. made me teared. wei shen mo?!

i got myself 2 more eeyores! buahahaha. so that makes me a proud owner of 4 eeyores!!! a small keychain, a small and medium size soft toys and a bolster. they are soooooo cute. stoopid xh and suan were so mean to say that eeyore (out of all the winnie the pooh characters) represents me the best, simply because its slow and "dumb", totally chaoyang-ish. walao eh... wth. so we ended up picking one character to represent each of us. of cos eeyore will be me, xh will be tigger cos she likes tigger, pigglet is suan cos suan is piggy and that left the main character winnie which is none other than our yirang! hahahaha... so funny. so shijia will still be our manager cos she has all 4 soft toys, a generous act by her bf. *roll my eyes* (jealousy is in the air)

i tried to talk to my mom. i'm not going to say that i dont understand cos i do... its just that i dont want her to live in denial. i wanna tell her. i want her to know. i want to communicate. i want her hug me and say that she totally understands, even if she doesnt. cos that does not matter, i just want her to be there for me.

why do i feel that there's no one there for me... ok more like the people that i want to be there for me, are not there. just spare me some time. let me say what i want... pay attention. i mean fuck... i was sitting on the sofa telling her i have something to say, and all that she said was if its not good then dont bother telling. what?! how pathetic is my life? i've got a mother who doesnt wanna listen to me. you know how many parents out there beg to know more about their children, but i have a mother who is totally the opposite. i have to force her to listen. argh.

i feel that im breaking up. totally totally screwed up life. im so going to sink into depression.

ps: people who say that they are going to be in depression are always the last to be in that state.

bleah.

trying

when i checked my ntu mailbox, i got a shock! damn it. my soci tutor emailed me again. and the subject was Re: coursework grade. freak ass. in my head i was thinking "this is so screwed up lah... i bet she's going to apologise cos she made a mistake for sending me a wrong coursework grade to me the other day."

"Hi Janet:

Because of the readjustment I have to make for grading, your overall 50% grade is "A" instead of "A-".

Ling-Ling"

well turned out that it was afterall a blissful surprise.

oh ya... my mom is listening to this feng shui man. i think he's quite good leh. he advised my mom to shift my bed cos when i sleep, i'm facing the door which is very bad. the "sha qi" is too strong for me and i'd have problem sleeping. which is soooooooo true! i always have problem falling asleep lah... i'd toss and turn for at least an hour before i finally sleep...

be loved again

what will you do when you're give two undesirable options and you can only choose between the 2. oh doesnt this ring a bell in your head? under consumer behavior, motivational conflict, avoidance-avoidance conflict. ok that's all crap.

what will you do, when you :

• have to make a choice between feeling sad and feeling sad?
• find out whatever you're persuing is no longer there?
• start to question everything?
• know all that is left is close to emptiness?

Incomplete
by BSB

Empty spaces fill me up with holes
Distant faces with no place left to go
Without you within me I can't find no rest
Where I'm going is anybody's guess

I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete

Voices tell me I should carry on
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone
Baby, my baby
It's written on your face
You still wonder if we made a big mistake

I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete

I don't mean to drag it on, but I can't seem to let you go
I don't wanna make you face this world alone
I wanna let you go (alone)

I've tried to go on like I never knew you
I'm awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete

Incomplete
-------------------------------------

looking at the face of the person whom you once loved,
and all that you felt was as though the vacuum had sucked up every bit that was left within you,
the hollowness made you stare blankly in the space,
that's when total forlornness set in.
that's when you wish that you would disappear into thin air.
that's when you know no amount of tears would bring back the smile again.
that's when
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you
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wish
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you'd
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be
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loved again.

soci

i emailed my soci tutor and asked her for my course work grade. guess what?! walao... i was praying that i'd get a B. B would be good enough considering that i did badly for my mid term test.... haha but surprisingly i got A-. cool!!!! she gave me an A for my essay assignment.

happy happy.

great... gotta study soci tmr. bleah. this is soooooooo freaking boring... everyone is out enjoying themselves and i still have to study. argh. sianz.

one more paper

3 down 1 to go!!!

i'm left with one paper! sociology. am kicking myself on the ass right now. freakass. all my friends have finished their exam and i still have one more week to go! argh. please tell me why did i choose to do soci?! sob sob.

RM was... walao eh... far from what i had expected. shockingly shilei thinks that its easier than the previous year papers. eeeeeee.... siao. i hope i did fine. well actually i hope i did more than just fine. i want A for rm. pray pray pray.

and tourism is by far the worst essay writing paper. kns. i said by far! cos i freaking know that soci is gonna be just as bad, if not worst. i had to write pages for each question lah. can you imagine how tired my wrist was. i really hate writing essay questions. on a lighter note, i feel that i'm much better in doing essay papers now. cos i plan before i write and yeah.... its so much better to plan first. cos first of all, you wont forget what you want to write. secondly, its more organise and cohesive. everything flows neatly which is good for examiners. oh ya planning also helps to make sure that you answer the whole questions without leaving anything out. you know questions setters are so mean nowadays, or rather they wanna save space, so they chunk 2 to 3 question under one big question. know what i mean? ok example:

Consider whether the new nation's authorities should be concerned about the damaging environment and socio-cultural consequences of the development of tourism in Timor-Leste. What lessons can they learn from the experience of other South East Asian countries regarding such impacts and their management?

KNS! how many parts are there? a total of 4 parts if you can see. being a science student for almost 10 years, i prefer the structure questions like what cindy chung did. at least i know i dont have to write so long for each question. for tourism, such as the question above, i wrote PAGES. kns. really kns. shou suan ok!

ok im going out to celebrate for my dearies liao... it seems like i'm more enthusiastic than them cos they have finished their exam.

im scared

ok the fear and worry are settling in now. i didnt understand why shilei was scared just now. in fact, come to think of it now, i was being a little too complacent thinking that i've finished my revision. actually the whole irony about studying for both RM and tourism was that RM being the core module took up the least time for revision, on the contrary, i spent almost everyday doing something on tourism which was only a GE! and tourism is my biggest fear for tmr.

maybe this is a sign telling me that i am not prepared for tourism. part of me really wanna read on... but my heart is not listening to my brain. all these lazy bugs in me should be burnt down man. argh...

ok i'm going to cross my fingers and toes for tmr. gosh... how cliche is that.

whatever...

tourism here i come.

Happy Birthday Wenya

Happy
20th
Birthday
WENYA!

disappointed

ok i know the word...

utterly disappointed.

the thought of it arouses this feeling that is so overwhelming that i want to be isolated.

fucking upset

there's so little that i could do to cheer my mom up.

i'm so fucking upset. i truly think that i'm from a fucking broken family. everything about it is just saddening. like hell... i dont have family like others who can boast about the close kinship that they have with one another. the only thing that i'm proud of is the strong relationship with my mom. but sometimes she can do things that worry the hell out of me. i knew she was sick, she had this black long face for as long as i could remember. i did ask her what was wrong... until today, the volcano erupted. i felt the inner side of me has collapsed. i said things that i shouldnt have. i'm sooo worried and sad for her. i know she doesnt deserve all this. she's such a responsible good mother. i'm so so so proud of her. yet... this stupid family of mine cant give her the least that she asks for.

she said things that were sooo hurtful to me. i told her that i'm not going to have a family or kids... but bottom line was that i wanted to tell her so much the underlying meaning... that even if my brothers dont wanna take care of her, i'd be there for her. always. but freaking dumb me had all the words choked in my throat. i cant wait to start work so that i can lighten her burden. i want her to have a healthy social life. i want her to be happy. i want to give her what she deserves.

as though that was not enough to kill me. i had it all in one day.

oh lord, i pray that you'd give me the strength to walk this path alone. bless me with the courage to fight the evil temptations.

i guess i'm feeling numb too. numb of depression, dejection, forlorn, bleakness, sorrow, misery, melancholy.... fuck... you name it, i felt it all before.

i should just stop being nice to everyone. for once be a fucking selfish bitch who only thinks of herself. everything and everyone else is just secondary. and be as cynical and sceptical as possible.

am totally totally totally.... argh! revolted by my own wishful naive thought. i'm just soooooooo shattered. it shouldnt even affect me at all.

fuck... i have this fucking urge to buy my eeyore soft toy tomorrow! i have my small eeyore keychain and a big eeyore soft toy. i dont fucking need any others.

ARGHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

i wish my best friend is in singapore!!!!

sad life

why is everyone's life so tough? i really dont understand.

ive got friends who cant celebrate this or that...
ive got friends who are upset about family stuff...
ive got friends who are unsure bout life...
ive got friends who live life in denial...

bottom line is i'm surrounded by negativities.

i'm gonna save up a dollar everyday to buy that eeyore soft toy. at least there's something for me to look forward to. hell... exam is just too much when i'm already feeling weak.

i hate to stay at home to look at him. i hate his voice. i hate everything about him. i dont even fucking wanna go back to msia to celebrate cny cos i know i'd be in his car. no. actually that's not the reason! i just hate the fact that i have to put up a show. pretending that i have a happy family, that we're one unity. hell no. we're not. i wish im not related to him.

disappointment. not for me this time round but my mom.

loser.

what doesnt kill you will only make you stronger. i'm still a survivor. even if i have to put up a strong front to fight this battle alone.

i'm down

fia fia i read your blog. honestly, when i sat for stats exam last year, i had no idea what it was about too. i didnt understand why i was doing that module until i took up research methods this sem. i think its how the teachers teach. it really matters. for stats, they simply just threw us all the fomulas and ya da ya da... for research methods, thank god, they made sure we know what was going on, why were we doing what we were doing. i think it really made a hell lot of difference. you would appreaciate stats a bit more if you do rm. : )

mommy is sick. i asked her what was wrong with her but she didnt answer me. its really not my fault. how was i supposed to know?!

i should have more faith in myself. exam will pass me by soon.

i know how the story ends.

old template (desolation)

doesnt this template look sooooooo familiar?! haha. yes yes i was browsing for some cool ones and just happened to spot this.

if i remember correctly, i used this template for quite a long while when i started my first blog. hmmm... i have this strange attraction to the pretty girl. hehehe. love the way she half smiled and her mascara being wet by her tears. and definitely definitely the phrase:

tears from behind my eyes but i dont cry

hannah told me that it was from a song. but hell i really have no idea which song it is. anyway... the template got me thinking of the past. the sad dark past. sigh. for a second i was being so emotional. its pms time. period is coming. fucking pms is always making me feel like i'm stucked. like i'm neither here nor there. weird ideology. whatever it is, i'm going to study tourism.

65 points for scrabble

i just set my highest record for scrabble. 65 points for a word. the feeling was great man. wuahahahaha. i finished using all the 7 letters and plus a 3 times word bonus. walao... it was superb man. hehe.

ok ppl... chaoz.

fuck. i got back my biz comm portfolio. damn it. my tutor put a late remark on my final report. first of all let me make myself clear, i didnt fucking hand that piece of work late lah. ok maybe i did. walao.. i had lesson until 1230 on that day lah, the due time given was 1230. anyway... it was written on the box that the due time was extended to 530. that kiasu tutor of mine must be standing in the office at 1225, waiting to collect all the assignments at 1230 sharp. fuck her lah. i remembered i went straight to the office to hand in my report after my lecture lor. argh. so pissing. so the consequence of my stupid mistake was a low 2.5 grade for that piece of work. argh. to think that i did pretty well for it.

so after much calculation, i think i'm going to get B for biz comm. according to joan, biz comm is always by default a B for everyone. i think so too. i mean as long as you can present and write decently, i dont see a reason for you to get a C. and it doenst requires alot from someone to do decently ok for this module.

i'm praying that i'd do ok for tourism. studying for tourism was really a chore to me! everything seemed pretty boring cos they are all common sense. as much as they are, one needs to remember all the facts in order to put up a good arguement. argh. so mafan! i wish i have much more interest in that module. like if cindy chung was to be in charged of that module, i can foresee a change of attitude in me. hahaha. weirdly enough i think rm is more interesting than tourism! maybe its because i'm more confident in doing rm than tourism. whatever reason it is, shilei and i came up with a good solution to study this mundane module. we went to popular to buy this big sheet of cardboard... oh shit i forgot what's it call. haha. anyway... we were like primary school girls writing all the keypoints onto the board. then this weird male cleaner walked up to us,( eeeeee...) he talked to us for awhile. complained bout him having to stay back after his work to look after a group of guys' bags, simply because he was told to do so by them. then the conversation moved on to an art and craft lesson. haha. he taught us how to do foot prints with his hand. so weird lor! he even asked us whether we want to learn how to draw bunny on our board! i was like "huh"?! no no no...

i'm so tired. cant wait to finish the exam. i wanna go clubbing on the very day that i finish my soci paper. hehe. and i wanna go sentosa too... oh ya... not forgeting to play more board games in settlers'!

Happy Birthday SuAn!

hey not bad ar... i did a rainbow colour for you leh! : )

If I Dont Tell You Now

fren fren, what an un-apt song to intro to me! kns.

i'm still questioning myself, if 10 out of 10 people are telling me the same old shit, then what is the point of insisting?! how foolishly stuborn am i? argh.

anyway... fren fren thanx for the song. i guess for the time being i'm gonna put it on repeat mode :P oh god forbid that i sink into depression.

If i dont tell you now
by Ronan Keating

I kept it inside
For the longest time
And I can't keep keeping it
All this love that's
Inside of my heart
Maybe it's safer not
To say that I care
Maybe this road won't
Lead me anywhere

[CHORUS:]
But if I don't tell you now
I may never get
The chance again
To tell you that
I need you, tell you
What I'm feeling
If I keep these feelings in
And if I don't
Say the words
How will you hear
What's inside my heart
How will you know then
If I don't tell you now

I'd do anything to
Be in your dreams
And I can't stand
Standing by
With this dream
That's inside my heart
Maybe I'm only gonna
Make a mistake
And there's a chance
Maybe my heart will break

[Repeat chorus]

How will you know
You're inside my soul
Oh it's driving me crazy
'Cause you don't see,
You're the world to me
I'm so afraid to see
The way that
I feel for you

[Repeat chorus]

Oh oh
If I don't tell you now
--------------------------------------------------

i hate von yam

Happy 20th Birthday Dearie...

karen was so sweet to sent me a prayer when i told her i couldnt concentrate in my studies. was so touched by her.

xh kinda pangsey me. argh. so no movie today... in fact no nothing for the whole day. i wish i had made plans with shilei instead... probably studying in sch and celebrating her bday there is even better than now.

oh ya.. fiafia in case youre reading this, here's an oldie recomended for you : )
Sometimes when we touch
by Dan Hill

You ask me if I love you and I choke on my reply.
I'd rather hurt you honestly than mislead you with a lie.
And who am I to judge you on what you say or do?
I'm only just beginning to see the real you.

Chorus:
And sometimes when we touch, the honesty's too much,
And I have to close my eyes and hide.
I wanna hold you till I die, till we both break down and cry.
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides.

Romance and all its strategy leaves me battling with my pride.
But through the insecurity, some tenderness survives.
I'm just another writer still trapped within my truths;
A hesitant prizefighter still trapped within my youth.

Chorus

At times I'd like to break you and drive you to your knees.
At times I'd like to break through and hold you endlessly.

At times I understand you, and I know how hard you've tried.
I've watched while love commands you, and I've watched love pass you by.
At times I think we're drifters, still searching for a friend,
A brother or a sister. But then the passion flares again.

Chorus
---------------------------------------------------------------------

i put it on repeat mode... it was super sweet and sad and ..... basically i'm speechless. i almost teaered. hehe. i hope you will enjoy it as much as the bsb one.

ok its scrabble time. the only thing that can get my brain so occupied.

out again tmr

good news people... i just got my phone repaired. oh by the way, its not the phone's fault haha. went to wisma's sonyericson shop with suan. walao eh... the service girl who served me was polite (i must say) but she knows little of phone (sad to say) too. all in all... i'm just pretty disappointed with her services. it was unprofessional. so i thought i had to do with a phone without the msg function. thank god i had suan with me at that time. she advised me to go down to m1 shop and see what they can do for me. so we went and great. the girl at the information counter... may i repeat.. the INFORMATION COUNTER where you get queue numbers, took a look at my phone and straight away spotted the problem. see what i mean?! efficient and effective and definitely very professional. haha.

just to tell those suakus... wisma has a whole new foodcourt!!! oh my god... the theme for the foodcourt is retro. and the timsam is so fucking delicious lah. i like i like!!! i'm so going back to eat the hargao. i've never in my life tried any hargao which has 2to3 prawns in it! and there is this toast stall which sells toast bread of course. haha. i like the otah toast. abit spicy for me though. but i guess i still can stand it, just need another glass of ice horlick. haha. hmmm... the daohuey that i tried was sweet. the price is alright. 1.20 but damn that aunty... she gave me slightly more than half a bowl. my hand was itching to slap her face man. suan said it wasnt supposed to be like that. the last time she ate with her friend, she remembered the bowl was full, almost spilling. damn that aunty. curse her man.

so that was my day for today. a day wasted not studying. as for tmr, i dont know what i'd be doing in the afternoon.. but be damn sure that im going to watch JUST LIKE HEAVEN at night!!! hahaha. so excited. i didnt know suan was super interested in that show too. both of us thought the show was sweet. actually we wanted to catch it today but too bad, it wasnt out until tmr. anyway... i pulled xh along too. hehe.

the next movie that i'm gonna catch on the big screen will be HARRY POTTER. its a must man. hehe.

i just finished watching a dvd. She Hates Me. a very confusing show which was about a man impregnanting a group of lesbians. hahaha. guess what?! he was father of 19 children. sold his fucking sperm for 10k each. well basically i see him as a damn fucking high class gigolo who enjoyed fucking lesbians and got paid doing so. haha. anyway... the confusing part was the ending. i really dont understand how he could get back with his ex (a lesbian) and be with her girlfriend too?! aiyoyo... it was like three of them took turn kissing one another?! so does that mean they will do orgy too?! aiyo... speaking of which... hahaha (shilei you know what i'm thinking?! i'm still thinking about it. haha)

do you think its feasible to be an agent for a male gigolo impregnanting lesbians in singapore? walao i dont mind man. imagine getting a 10% commision for each deal. i'm not even asking for much, 1k for each deal will be good enough man. and getting 100 dollars each time i refer a customer to that desperate guy w/o dignity. haha. walao if only i know as many lesbian friends who are interested. hahahahahaa.

piggy me

i slept from 11pm to 1030am. woke up, had my breakfast and watched Xmen evolution until 12pm and i was back on my bed. took a nap tol 230pm. gosh what a pig man. my body kept asking me to sleep... am so tired can.

anyway i think i might go town a little while later to get my phone fixed. so mafan. meanwhile, its reading on thailand time. bleah.

fuming

i'm fuming mad. URGH. junkai spoilt my phone. i feel like punching him. on second thought, its part of my fault too. damn it. i cant msg at all. it is so inconvenience to have a phone that has no msg function at all! when ppl msg me, i have to ponder whether or not i should call back to reply or just leave it that way. the latter one would let others to think that i'm dao when in actual fact i'm not. haha. bleah... aiyer... so mafan! now i have to go all the way down to down to get it fix. on top of that, i have to pay for the god damn repair fee too. argh... why must i be so unlucky? i'm already broke enough. unnecessary expenditure like this would only make my life even more misarable!

i went to school to study RM with shilei. omg... i'm surprise with the result of pair work study. hehe. the productivity was amazingly high. haha. guess what? we are more or less done with RM (in one day, mind you). by the way the studying environment in the school of biology was very conducive i must say. the only nagative side of it was the laokiap computer they have over there. kns. it took us at least 15 min just to load one fucking exam paper.

the next 4 days are for tourism. thailand thailand here i come. haha.

closing my eyes

mommy is angry with edwin. i'm worried for him. he never gets it into his head. i wonder when will he ever, ever come back from his la la land. i'd be damn sad if he does badly for the O's. forgive me for not being able to accept the fact that my brother did consider retaining. i was like WHAT THE FUCK?! how could he? he is not stupid but just plain lazy. yeap. the killer word--> lazy.

i could see the tears in my mom's eyes, the fear behind those wet eyes. but my brother wont. he simply does not understand how the world functions. its so hard to convince myself that study is not for everyone. i should have the least amount of trust in him to do well in some other aspects. but no. sorry to say that i know my brother the best. he is like the last stage of cancer, beyond cure. so my mom said lets pray for miracle. sigh. how sad case is that?!

i hope that he is like one of my guy friend who excel in poly. straight dist! my gosh... my jaw was on the floor man. so maybe my brother can be like him. maybe... if i believe hard enough.

i read ting ting's blog. ok... pardon me... i'm going to copy and paste.. haha.
she wrote:
I saw somethin on tv the other day, this marriage counsellor was askin this couple to look into each other's eyes and recall wat makes them fall in love with each other in the first place. The next time u feel dat u wan out, try this. Wat made u fall for him/her?

at that point in time, i think i was trying to amuse myself. cause in my head i was thinking... hmmm nah i'd give it a pass. i prefer to shut my eyes.

chaoz. scrabble time again. wah fuck man... i'm super hooked on to that game.