It's been a sad week for me.
I discovered, by chance, that the son of a person I have admired throughout my entire teenage/adult life was killed in a paragliding accident. That the young man was in his early 30s made it doubly sad since he will be missing out on so much of life. I only learned of his death because he was of some minor celebrity so it received fairly widespread coverage. I sat at my desk at work stunned when I heard the news.
His father is a good, honest, caring man who clearly loves his children. He was a bishop at 30 and has served as both a stake president and mission president. He has a deep and abiding faith which becomes readily apparent the moment you hear him address a congregation. As a non-believer, I don't share his convictions, but at a moment like this I'm very glad they are there to comfort him.
I hesitate to really call him a friend, but our relationship was something more than just casual. He was my YSA ward bishop and I took him and his young sons (I'm almost certain that the one who passed was there at least once) to NBA games. Still, I haven't spoken with him in years and the doors don't fly open when my name is bandied about, so I'm not entirely convinced he would necessarily even want to hear from me. Nonetheless, I followed my urge to send him an e-mail letting him know how much I cared about him and how sorry I was for his loss. I likely will never hear back from him, and that's perfectly ok with me, but it just didn't seem right to not reach out.
I'm also a bit sad at the loss of an internet friend. I'm not surprised, we had never met in person and I was well aware that our friendship would be short lived. So it's less a sadness that we won't be communicating any longer and more because I can't help but feel like he's leaving our friendship, apparently cutting off some other "real life" friends and generally leaving the online social networking world to please his family. Now, I'm a believer in live social interactions and healthy in-the-flesh friendships (although I have fewer and fewer of them), but I have my doubts that he is doing what he thinks is best for himself. In any event I hope it works out for him. And I enjoyed and have good memories of his friendship, like the countless other friends who have come and gone in my life.
Add to a difficult work environment to the mix. There is a lot going on and some real challenges facing the little company I work for. I've been there coming up on 8 years and the pay is pretty good. Plus my position is fairly influential. However, I've had a bit of tension over the last few days that makes me rethink the possibility that this could be my last career stop. Not huge, but one of those small shifts perceptible only to me that changes my outlook. So, I'm feeling a bit of a need to keep my eyes open for something different. Even that is discouraging because while I'm highly skilled at what I do, I have baggage that makes me not so readily employable. And I detest changing jobs.
Finally, April is my mother's birth month so my thoughts have been about her. She's been gone now for almost 14 years. And that makes me sad. We weren't very close in her last few years for a number of reasons, most of which can be laid at my feet. And on some level I'm glad that she didn't see what has become of my life, not because I'm gay (which I think she would have grown into), but because of the failure it has been. Also, my older sister passed a way a few years ago. It would have broken her heart to have lived through all that.
So, I'm stuck in a melancholy rut. The upcoming week will be unpleasant for me - there's really no way to avoid it. And April was hardly a winner. I'm feeling down, alone and discouraged. Over the last year, I've come to understand just how alone I am. Thank goodness for the beagles or I'd have no one to talk to!
Normally, I'd just go buy myself a new car, but even that doesn't hold any interest for me. Still, maybe things will brighten. I'm seeing my dentist tomorrow. I realize that's not usually a cause for celebration, but we've known each other since we were 12 and we always go to lunch after I get my teeth cleaned. Plus, I'm meeting another childhood friend in Los Angeles over next weekend. We've developed a tradition of meeting somewhere once a year for a visit, and he's dying to see the Yankees play so we're going to catch an Angels - Yankees game. Now before anyone thinks it's a Brokeback Mountain-type event, he's married with three children and separate beds are always involved - on our trips, not with his wife (I hope). I haven't had a bad trip with him yet, and the timing couldn't be better this year.
So here's hoping for a better May.
