I've Always Wondered

I've spent a good part of my life, dating back to my early teens, wondering what it would have been like to have been one of the "beautiful people".  Is it all it's cracked up to be?  Probably not, but it would have been nice to have found out for myself.  To have been someone of significance in this world of ours.  I supposed, however, that I will just have to settle for being me and call it good enough.

Am I Really Gay?

Well for heaven's sake, of course I am.  I find the idea of my personal involvement in any kind of sexual intimacy with a woman repulsive.  In fact when my straight friends (which is to say virtually all of my friends) express their difficulty in imaging how one can be homosexual, I tell them that I feel the same way about sex with a woman as they do about sex with another man.

But I do remember when I was 13, maybe 14, I had a sleep over with a couple of friends.  We ended up alone (ie. no parents or siblings around) and one of them produced a little video entertainment.  VHS was just beginning to become common, and with it arrived a brave new world of pornographic options.  The feature film that evening was a grainy bootleg copy (I asked no questions as to its source - an early adoption of "don't ask, don't tell") involving "Duke", a girl (or two - who can keep track?) and, believe it or not, a cameo by a chicken. No real poultry fornication, just a post-coitus leer at our guest star.  I have no really specific memory of the film, but do recall being aroused.

Flash forward 5 years and I am a senior in high school.  My parents were traveling, as they often did what with me being alone in the house and relatively self sufficient.  One of my 18 year old buddies was actually willing to rent a porn, and could amazingly keep a straight face doing so.  Our entertainment procured and my parents gone, it was a "guys night" at my place.  Probably 6 or 7 friends (all of them LDS - hopefully you my kind readers find that a amusing as I do) came a runnin'.  Of course the "renter" and I had to preview the movie which I remember involved two guys and one gal - this I remember clearly because I was very much surprised by some, errr, "activities" I would have never before supposed were possible.  Again, I became aroused during the preview and excused myself to use the restroom, which my more wordly friend immediately saw through as indicated by the comments he was yelling upstairs.

So, in both of these instances I was aroused.  Both instances involved a female (multiple females perhaps).  Of course both instances also involved males.  And perhaps if lesbian porn without any male participation was involved, I would not have found it to my liking.  I can honestly say I'd never even thought about it until recently, some 25-30 years later.  But having reflected on it, I have a very hard time reconciling these events with what I know about myself today.  Perhaps sexuality really isn't so narrowly and precisely defined for us as we would believe, or others would have us believe.

Meeting Other Bloggers - A Mistake?

To my way of thinking, one of the great virtues of blogging is the ability to remain anonymous.  Now, it's no great secret that I'm gay.  There are people who don't know, but most important people in my life do and I wouldn't really care if other people found out.  I'm indifferent because I just don't feel any compulsion to discuss my sexuality with those around me.

Still, I do like being able to be frank, even blunt, on my blog and know that very few people who read it have any idea who I am.  I have two non-moho friends who I have shared the site with, as well as my old stake president (believe it or not).  In addition, there is a former moho blogger who grew up in my neck of the woods.  He is a good 20 years younger than me, but figured out who I am because he's very intelligent and I probably reveal a little too much if I really, really wanted to stay anonymous.  Finally, a sister missionary from my long ago days in Quebec, Canada also figured it out by sheer chance. That's pretty much it.

Except for three exceptions to my general rule about staying "in the closet" so to speak where my blog is concerned.  The first was an unqualified success and I've gained a great friend out of it.  I met up with Miguel (aka Public Loneliness in his more shy days) in Utah a couple of years ago.  We immediately clicked.  I was out seeing some old friends and thought I'd give it a chance.  I picked Miguel because we are about the same age and I thought it would be fun to have a little closer, more open relationship with someone who had a similar context to life.  He is a great guy, we exchange texts regularly and I make it a point to see  him whenever I am in Utah.  I always tell me buddies that I need a "gay day" to go see my moho pal.  Strictly platonic, by the way.  I totally lucked out.  

The second exception will remain nameless.  I was traveling for business and happened to be near where he lived.  So we got together for dinner.  It was pleasant and friendly.  I am glad we met in person.  But it didn't develop into a friendship, and I'm a friendship kind of guy.  I have a hard time with simply being a casual acquaintence with people.  So I would put this moho blogger meet up in the indifferent category.  Nice guy, good experience but just short of satisfying for me.  Please don't be offended if you are reading this!

This brings me to the last experience. Which was a disaster.  I had been a regular reader of a blog that wasn't listed on the moho directory for whatever reason.  And I don't remember how I came across his blog.  But it was really interesting and we exchanged comments on his posts.  That led to a few exchanged e-mails.  And I thought we became friends.  So, I suggested that we meet for lunch when I was in Utah last Spring.  We did, I thought it went well with me doing all the talking - nothing new there - and a hug goodbye.

Then I never heard from him again.  Now he's in his early 20s, so I worry that I'm the "creepy old man" to him.  And even the hug goodbye was my idea.  I recall that right after we parted company, it occurred to me that it might have made him feel uncomfortable, so I sent him a text to reassure him that it was a friendly type of affection and nothing more.  The result?  No response to that text or a couple of follow up e-mails I sent.  So, I just let it be.  No more blog posts.  And then his blog was eventually removed.

What to make of it?  Well, I will never know for sure, but it does seem to be way more than a coincidence that what had been a friendly, chatty banter completely ends without so much as a goodbye immediately after our one and only in person meeting.  I feel bad because I really enjoyed his blog and our exchanges.  I could have just left well enough alone and not pursued that in person meet.  Perhaps I would still have my blog/e-mail pen pal and would be enjoying his posts today.  In any event, I wish him well.  He's a bright guy with a great future from what I can tell and I'm sure he will succeed in life.

So, I think it will be a long while before I consider an in person meeting with anyone I know from the blog world.  Maybe what I should take from all of this is that there is the real world and the blog world.  Both serve good and useful purposes for me.  I can have meaningful, if very different, relationships in both worlds.  And those two worlds should never mix.  Perhaps that's it.