That One Thing

There is a rich variety of things that I feel my life lacks.  I've whined, simpered and complained about many of them on this blog over the last few years.  But here's one I don't think I've ever written about.  Or, frankly, spoken of much to anyone around me.  Which is surprising considering my tendency to blather and ramble about every little thing I think or opinion I have.

I'm bringing it up now because I've been strangely, for me, affected by the murder of all those little kids in Newtown, Connecticut.  I'm usually something of a cynic about life, death and tragedy.  I typically feel bad and empathize but on some level I know people have been killed, and even as I type this are being killed, in the most brutal, cruel and senseless ways.  For instance, while 9/11 horified me, I just couldn't bring myself to walk around in sackcloth and ashes and, to my everlasting shame, thought it mere affectation by those who did. 

This time, however, I truly sorrow for the opportunities and experiences those 20 babies will never know; for the lives they will never get a chance to lead.  I can't even begin to imagine how their parents can find a way to move forward after an experience like this.  But I find myself hurting most for their siblings.  From what I read, mostly all of them have at least one sibling.  The idea of each of their brothers and sisters trying to make sense out of their deaths makes me ache.

Probably not a popular thing to admit, but what the heck I'm a bleeding heart liberal.  I feel bad for the young man who shot them.  For his father and brother.  And his dead mother.  What a sad, tragic, awful mess all the way around.  I decline to simply say he was evil, or less than human or somehow irredemable.  That's too simple and it allows us to dismiss it all too easily as the workings of a mad man.  Not the point of this post, but a mature society shouldn't try to fit it all into such a neat and tidy box.  

Why the impact for this particular tragedy, and not so much for say the recent shooting at the Colorado theater?  I've decided it's because for as long as I can remember, I wanted a younger sibling.  A little brother would have been ideal, but a younger sister would have done.  I am the youngest of four.  In no way do I regret my older brothers and sister.  In fact loosing my sister, even though we weren't close as adults, was very, very sobering.

But the lack of a younger sibling was an absence I really felt.  I wanted someone to look up to me, to rely on me and trust me.  Who I could comfort, help and even take care of.  I watched some of my friends with their little brothers and sisters when I was growing up.  I know it's often not the experience, but the kids I knew for the most part seemed to really love and care for their little brothers and sisters. I have one friend in particular who made it a point to help comfort them when they were afraid.  They always knew they could come sleep with him if they were scared, and I always admired him for never seeing it as a burden or annoyance when they did.

As I grew older, I would notice families at church and watch how the siblings interacted.  I have a distinct memory of seeing a deacon finish passing the Sacrament and sitting down next to his older brother.  His brother then put an arm around his sholders and gave him a bit of an affectionate squeeze.  A small thing really, and I didn't even know who they were since I was visiting the ward to see a friend's baby blessed.  But it stuck with me.  That and a thousand more like experiences.

I love cheesey "family endures because oldest sibling steps up to the plate" movies and books.  Decent ones are hard to find, and when I do find one, I watch or read it over and over again.  Suggestions in this regard are welcome, by the way, if anyone actually reads this long-winded post to this point.

I think having a younger sibiling would have made a difference in my life.  Perhaps THE difference.  I will obviously never know.  Those of you out there who have younger siblings, count yourself lucky.  I'm exceedingly jealous.

PS - The show American version of the show Shameless is great!  Definitely NC-17 material, but wow. William H. Macy plays a character so irredeemably immoral, it's incredible. 

Honesty - Truly the Best Policy?

I was talking to my oldest brother today.  We were discussing a variety of issues when we landed on the topic of a family member who lives a lifestyle that is inconsistent with the wishes of that person's parents.  I have no issues with the lifestyle.  I do not share the parents' moral values in this regard and the family member in question has long been an adult.  However his family member also  thinks that everyone believes that lifestyle is something other than it really is - essentially that everyone is fooled.  

My brother came to the conclusion that his honesty about how he was living and who he was associating with was, in retrospect, disrespectful to our parents.  His position is that he should have simply allowed them to believe what they wanted to believe instead of being so open about how he was living when he was a young man.  I had never really thought of it that way, and was prepared to dismiss it out of hand.  

But now I wonder.  Perhaps he has a point.

The opening pages of the Book of Mormon tell us a story of dishonesty.  Right out of the gate.  Did Nephi not commit a highly dishonest act at the opening of the narrative.  Setting aside the morally relativistic issue of his killing Laban, did not putting on Laban's clothes and fooling his servants in the process of taking what wasn't his rise to a pretty high level of dishonesty?

I have an old friend who I consider to be a most excellent person.  Outstanding character.  Generous soul.  Thoughtful towards others.  Fair in his dealings. Salt of the earth type.  But I recall many, many years ago, he told me that he had missed a deadline that would result in a pretty significant financial penalty.  He then made it clear that he was going to adjust his reporting in order to avoid the penalty.  His statement was basically that there was no way he was going to forfeit that much money. I remember being a bit shocked, being a believer at the time in absolute honesty.  His actions did not have much impact on my view of him, but it was a bit of an eye opener.

It sounds cynical, but I do not believe there is such a thing as an absolutely honest person.  Contrary to the fairy tale we like to believe about children, they learn the value of a good ass-saving lie early and proceed to employ the mechanism often.  George Washington can and did tell lies.  President Obama, a man for whom I have great respect, has stated absolutely that he would not agree to keeping the tax cuts in place for those making over $250k.  Yet just recently he offered a much higher threshold.  Do I look fat in this dress?  How fast were you going when I pulled you over?  What time did you get home last night?  So you say that meal was a business expense?  I didn't get the e-mail.  Etc., etc., etc.  We are kidding ourselves when we profess absolute honesty.  The surest sign of dishonesty is when a person claims he is never dishonest.  Such a person truly isn't to be trusted.

I still think I disagree with my brother.  Within the context of my being gay, I believe I owed it to myself and should have trusted my family enough to have put my gayness on the table long before I did.  I believe that one shows the greater trust and respect for those one loves by sharing one's true self with them.  Nevertheless, I think the only person we owe absolute honesty to is ourselves.  So long as we can honestly assess who we are, what we are doing and why we are doing it, we are doing ok in life.

Lessons Learned From My Dentist

I went to the dentist today for a filling.  First one in years, so I can't really complain. But there's more to this story than just a tale of needles and drills.

See my dentist is one of my oldest friends.  We have known each other since 7th grade.  We went to junior high school, high school and our first year of college together.  We spent the night at each others' houses and even watched a movie or two of highly suspect moral value.  We both worked for my dad's accounting firm for a bit.  

He's an interesting guy.  A little hard to describe.  I believe that he truly cares about me, and every six months when I come in for a cleaning we go to lunch together.  But our interaction does not go beyond that.  I think we all have at least a few friends like that.  It doesn't frustrate me at all.  I simply appreciate him for who he is and his loyalty to me when some walked away.

Here's what I learned today:

1.  Some people are just destined to succeed and they know it and everyone around them knows it.  My dentist is one of them.  I would not call it arrogance or anything of that sort.  It's just a supreme confidence that some lucky few of us have.  I do not have it.  In fact, I've always been fairly certain I would underachieve - that I would never live up to my potential.  But looking back over our years together, even in junior high, he just seemed to emanate an aura of destiny.  As if he knew exactly where he was going and exactly how he was getting there.  And it all seems to have worked out exactly right.  It's awesome to see.

2.  Have a family of your own if you can.  Since we are friends, I get to hear about my dentist's kids whenever we go to lunch or he is doing his dentist thing to me.  I truly enjoy hearing all the news.  He clearly loves his children and devotes most of his time to them.  And they are just as clearly a big part of what gives his life meaning and value.  To my young readers of the homosexual persuasion, do NOT let yourself be convinced that you can't have that.  I realize that for some people, children isn't right.  I'm not one who says that those who chose a life without kids are somehow lost.  However, I believe for most of us, having children is a huge part of what helps us realize maximum joy in life.  If you make a determination that it is right for you, then fine.  That window of opportunity is closed to me know - I will never have a family of my own - and if that's you too ok.  On the other hand NEVER, EVER let the closed-minded or bigoted make that choice for you.  If you want a family of your own, and are in a position to have one, get out there and just get one.

The Deed is Done

No, not that deed. That deed is looking more and more like it will never be done.

Nope, I'm referring to my automobile purchase.  The internet has been searched, a dealership inspected, a vehicle selected and a transaction perfected.  Thanks to all three of you who took the time to comment.  Fun to see a couple of car loving gear heads out there.  I don't lump Duck in that category, but I valued her comments exceedingly since she hit the nail on the head when she said the Passat fit my personality.

And I'm in love.  She's a beauty.  Top of the line Passat SEL Premium with the TDI (turbo diesel) engine and the DGS transmision.  While it's not really fast (there are only 140 ponies on tap), it's got nice oomph where it matters in the real world - at the low end - since it has all that lovely diesel torque (230+ lbs feet).  I love German automobiles (ok, this one is built in Tennessee, but it's still a German design) but I'm a little wary of German reliability.  Or more precisely the lack thereof.  Still, I was ready for something a bit different so I don't regret the purchase at all.

The Golf R was fabulous to drive.  Open it up on a freeway onramp and when that turbo kicks in ... WOW.  But the Passat with it's automatic transmission, spacious cabin and just general all around class sold me.

Without further ado, here she is:

I'm Burning With Passion...

Not THAT kind of passion - well, ok, THAT kind of passion too...

I'm dying to get a new car.  I love cars.  I love buying cars.  And I can't decide between:

1.  2013 Volkswagen Passat SEL TDI.  Classy, really efficient, comfortable and just all around a great car.

2.  2013 Vokswagen Passat R.  Fast, 4Motion AWD, comfortable and boy racer.  BUT not very fuel efficient and around $37K - for a Golf!

People Talk to Me

As I look back over my life, I realize that people have always confided in me. For as long as I can remember. I am perplexed by it a bit. On the one hand, I know that I am an extremely private person. Not that I won't gossip ("if you can't say something nice, come sit by me"), but when I'm told something in confidence, I am actually very good at keeping that confidence. At most, I will ask advice on the matter from someone I trust, but am always careful to not disclose the identity of the individual in question, or even clues to that identity. 

But I'm also a talker, quick with an opinion, sure that my advice should be followed.  I actually put some effort in just listening ("active listening" as my mission president's wife said 20+ years ago), but I just can't ever seem to follow the "we have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much" philosophy.  Yet still my friends have always seemed to gravitate to me.

And the trajectory of, and decisions I've made throughout, my life have been less than optimal.  There really isn't arguing that point.  Of course, sometimes that can set people at ease.  I mean, given the state of my life, I think that it would be hard not to feel that no matter how bad their problem, they are still better off than me.

At the end of the day, maybe it's simply because they know I love and care about them.  For all my epic failures as a man in particular and a human being in general, I have two genuinely positive traits:  First, when I care about someone, I make sure they know it without doubt.  Second, I'm loyal.  Maybe that's enough.

Whatever the reasons, I'm grateful for it.  Far from ever feeling it a burden, the confidence and trust of those close to me gives my life what meaning it has.  I have a sense of usefulness and feel needed.  And that's a good thing when one otherwise sees little else to make life of interest.

I Want to Hold Your Hand?

Yeah, you got that something,

I think you'll understand

When I feel that something

I want to hold your hand

The Beatles

I Want to Hold Your Hand

I  was watching a coming out video today.  As I've mentioned before, this is a hobby of mine, mostly born of the desire to see gay young people starting out life with a healthy recognition of who they are and a confidence I could hardly even dream of.  But that's not what this post is about.  I'm sure I'll have plenty of future posts where I can snivel about my poor, misunderstood childhood.

No the thing that was most interesting about post was his oh-so-typical efforts to date his way to straightness.  Nothing particularly novel about that idea.  I think most of us tried that at least once.  I was struck, however, by his statement that one of his longer hetero relationships never advanced beyond hand holding.  Here's what caught my attention - he said he could hardly stand to do that.

I always thought I was somewhat unique in that regard.  I mean I know a lot of gay men find kissing a female unappealing but I thought I was alone in thinking handholding is, well, icky.  At least with a girl.  I mean, clammy things those hands.  Either cold or sweaty.  Awkwardly trying to adjust fingers.  Finding the right sway/stride when walking oh-so-romantically down the road.  Second worst part of every one of my pseudo-hetero relationships.  The first was the inevitable requirement that at least some kissing, however chaste, take place.

I've wondered if I'd feel that way with the right guy.  See, my life is as described in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel:  I'm gay - but really more in theory than in practice.  Perhaps I really do want to hold your hand and just don't know it?

Religious Words of Comfort

In spite of the fact that I recognize the concept of god and the existence of religion as nothing more than man's way of ordering, making sense of and controlling life, I still find some of the language beautiful.  And because it can be beautiful, I accept that sometimes religious belief can be a life affirming and wonderful thing.

In the spirit of these sentiments, I intend to begin offering from time to time some of that language that I find particularly choice.

Today's installment is from 2 Kings 6:16:

Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.

I Love Suburbans

I love Chevrolet Suburbans.  Always have.  I am particularly enamored of the current model.  I helped my older brother buy one a few months ago and love riding in it.  My buddy just bought a used Suburban from the late 90s.  The totally square one (what is it with me and boxy vehicles?).  I was so excited because that's my second favorite model.

I've never really wondered why - just one of those things.  But it dawned on me today that I love Suburbans to a significant degree because of what they usually mean about the driver's situation in life - what he likely has.  Sadly, like the Suburban itself, I don't have that either.

The First Monday in October

The Supreme Court of the United States - sometimes know as SCOTUS - reconvenes on the first Monday of each October.  It's back to work time for our nine justices.  While every year there are cases of significance before the Court, most people do not fully appreciate the impact the Court's decisions have on everyday Americans.  And this year is particularly significant for the homosexual community.  The Court will likely hear at least one case on the issue of gay marriage, with one of those cases being the challenge to California's Proposition 8 which amended the California Constitution to prevent the recognition of gay marriage.  The Court does not HAVE to hear this case, but most Court watchers would be surprised if it did not agree to do so.

The start of the new term got me thinking about the November 2008 vote on Proposition 8.  I recalled that, as I was standing in line at my polling place for my turn to exercise my franchise, I overheard two white women talking about the measure.  Lest anyone accuse me of rude eavesdropping, these gals were talking plenty loud so it would have been really difficult not to hear the conversation.

I cannot remember what they said precisely, but the gist of the conversation was that "now they (meaning the homosexuals) want that (meaning marriage) too."  It was at that precise moment that I knew Proposition 8 would in fact pass.  If two pleasant, middle class-looking white women opposed gay marriage because marriage was "theirs" and they didn't want to "share" it with the gay community, then the game was up for gay marriage - at least at that time.

Human nature  is always so curious to me.  There's that something in our natures that compel us to have more than others.  In fact, it's the basic premise of capitalism - the acquisition of more than another being the prime indice of success.  And really isn't that one of the main arguments used to oppose gay marriage - that granting that right to homosexuals somehow cheapens or devalues the institution for heterosexuals?

Until people see marriage as a fundamental civil right, I fear that gay marriage movement will lose more battles than it wins.  At least unless the Court finds a basis in the United States Constitution for recognizing marriage as a protected right for homosexuals.  Don't hold your breath waiting for that with the makeup of the current Court.

Gay Youth is NOT Wasted on the Gay Young

There's a hidden advantage to being gay and a teen/young adult.  It is only recently that I began to examine and develop that concept.  For all the inherent challenges, it seems to me that the LGBT youth of today are stronger and more self-assured than their straight peers.

The way I see, straight kids have no real appreciation for their lives, not because they are somehow inferior but because they are rarely forced to take stock of who they really are.  I know that all teenagers have insecurities.  I'm not ignorant to the concept that growing up and finding your place in the world has, and will always have, its challenges, gay or straight.  But I think straight youth simply don't have to come to terms with who they really are because who they are is, more or less, the same as most of their peers.  Of course there are the popular kids and the outcasts, but they still have more or less the same desires.  If the "in" crowd and the "out" crowd don't socialize, they at least comprehend on some level that they share the same basic wants.

LGBT young folks, well that's different.  There's still plenty of homophobia around.  I'm sure that, certainly depending on where one lives, there's a fair amount of torture that goes on when it comes to gay youth.  Particularly the more "campy", obvious among them.  As the heightened suicide risk among LGBT youth demonstrates, and the attention bullying has received (although I'm not sure this is any worse today - just not  as conveniently ignored), it's far from pork chops, applesauce and noodle salad in the park for our young non-hetero friends.

I'm encouraged nonetheless by what I see as a willingness, even enthusiasm, for self-acceptance from our fledgling LGBT brothers and sisters.  And their family and friends also seem to be coming along for the ride.  All one has to do is spend a few hours watching YouTube coming out videos to see that.  They run the gamut.  Some are still very much in the closet.  But there's a clear and encouraging theme of self discovery and acceptance weaved through their stories, be they proudly out, open on a select basis or still very much in the closet.

A few examples that make me proud of the youth of today, and in many cases, their families.

A young man whose best friend finds out about his orientation.  Here's an example of someone very much in the closet, yet surprisingly comfortable with himself.  I chuckle a little at this one.  He seems very nice, and very clueless that he has a life most kids could only dream about.  Prep school, country club, new truck?  Most of us had to be happy with public high school,the lake or river and, if we were very lucky, a car perhaps 5 years young than we were.  Still very heartfelt and sincere.

A young man who records telling his mom he is gay.  What an incredible mother!  I think it's amazing.  Makes me proud of my generation, since his mom is likely somewhere close to my age.

And a couple of college age young men who came late to the party, so to speak, but still managed to find their way.  One from the USA and one from Ireland.

And, finally, my favorite.  I love this guy's attitude.  He's completely comfortable with himself in a way I never was, am not now and never can be.  He is the future of gayness for men in my opinion.

Straight youth are not forced to really examine who they are like LGBT youth.  The upside to all of the struggle, pain and stress these young people go through at such a tender age is that they gain an appreciation for who they truly are.  I can't even imagine how wonderful it would have been to have had the courage and support to do the same thing.  I had a chance when I was 14 - I was given the opportunity - and just couldn't grasp it.  That's a story for an upcoming blog.  But it makes me appreciate even more how incredible some of these amazing young people are.

As I get older, I feel my life slipping away in so many different ways.  I get a little more tired every day, and a little less able to see things ending well for me as an individual.  But the rising generation, the generation that is the future of our kind, gives me a hope for tomorrow that I never would have thought possible.  And that gives me joy, a thing which I find in very limited quantities these days.

Feeling a Bit Lost Post East Coast

I'm back from my trip.  It went really well.  I saw many terrific things boxed around a quite useful seminar for work.  I won't bore everyone with the details, but here's a brief summary:

Eleven days

1400 rental car miles

Vermont - Hike up the Camel's Hump and ice cream at the Ben & Jerry's factory

New Hampshire - Cog railroad to the top of Mt. Washington

Maine - Hiking around Acadia National Park

Boston area - JFK library, Old Ironsides, the Old North Church, Bunker Hill battle site, Concord and the location of the shot heard 'round the world

New York City - American Museum of Natural History, Central Park, World Trade Center site and, best of all, the Metropolitan Museum of Art (always wondered about it since I read the book From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs Basil E. Frankweiler as a kid.

Yes, I had a good time.  Me, myself and I.  I'm accustomed to traveling that way.  It's the way I have traveled for the most part for my entire adult life.  

And now, actually, I'm tired of it.  Or maybe more precisely I'm tired of life.  My interest seems to be markedly on the wane.  Probably doesn't help that I've got a sore throat/cold going, which luckily held off until literally the night I got home.

I'm consoling myself by watching The Full Monty, one of my very favorite movies.

One Of My Cooler Lego Builds

This one took a while. But it is way cool. I actually want to buy one of these someday. A classic Westfalia - even (and maybe especially) if its one of the second generation square ones. 

Suggestions - NYC in September

I mentioned previously that I was heading to the East Coast for a seminar in September.  I plan on spending the following week on vacation - just little old me.  I will be spending 3 days / 2 nights in New York City (I'm thinking Wednesday through Friday - with my flight home Friday night out of JFK).  I've been to NYC a couple of times before but don't even pretend to really know anything about the it.

Here's my question for those living there or more in the know than me:  Should I stay at a hotel near JFK and taking public transportation into the City for my adventures?  I'd rather note spend a small fortune on lodging.  Keep in mind that I'm boring. I will be seeing museums, tall buildings, historical sites, etc.  I will not be clubbing or out late at night.  Like I said boring.

Thoughts?  Suggestions?  Advice?

Perplexed

When I was an early teen, say around 14, I had a pretty significant physical relationship with a friend of mine over a period of about a year.  This young man was LDS and I went to school with him for many years.  Looking back I realize that the physical part of our relationship (which was in the very early years of our friendship) was highly sexualized and that I was very much in love with him.  There was no intercourse of any kind, but there was plenty of intense physical contact.  And I craved being physically affectionate - very tactile - with him.

At the time, it didn't really register with me that I was gay.  I knew that I had a longing for other boys with what I see now as several significant crushes starting in sixth grade.  And, as I got older, I liked the way other boys looked, particularly in the locker room.  I even used to go "visit" a friend in the soccer team locker room area because I like to sneak a glance at the kid next to him while he was changing.  Hanging around my buddy after gym was the only way to do it.  So I learned to change quick!  (The friend in question will likely read this.  Sorry, professor, but I used you as an excuse to indulge my carnal desires.  I apologize for my cheap, tawdry actions.)

I had only the vaguest of recollections as to what being gay was.  For whatever reason, when I was first in high school I came to believe from the comments I heard that masturbation made you a "faggot" and I didn't want anyone to know I was one of those - because Lord knows if masturbation made one thus, I was likely the biggest faggot in school!  It took me many, many years to gradually understand that it wasn't that I was more "sensitive" than other boys and that's why I wanted to be "close" to them.  Fact is, looking back, I just plain found some of them hot but really had no way of integrating that idea in my life or processing it intellectually.

Here's what perplexes me:  This buddy with whom I had the most intimate physical relationship with in my life (and, given that it occurred when I was 14, isn't that just one sad statement?) turned out to be straight.  I haven't spoken too him in a very long time, so I can't be 100% certain.  And the one thing I've learned through a few years of participating in the MoHo blog world is that appearances often are very deceiving.  But I'm pretty confident that he is as straight as they come.

And that is what I don't get.  We were 14 years old.  This wasn't some 9 year old "you show me yours and I'll show you mine" nonsense.  The physical contact wasn't fleeting, accidental or a single episode.  Rather it was significant, overt and took place multiple times over a year or so.  Of course we never labeled it as sexual.  And neither of us ever achieved, uh hum, completion so-to-speak.  But I just don't know how a straight person could participate in such activity.  Put another way, I'm certain that I wouldn't have had any interest in that kind of contact with a girl, and would have in fact found it disgusting to do so.  The few times I kissed girls were almost painful for me.

This morning I asked another friend, who is most definitely straight, whether he had ever had any physical sexual contact with another male, no matter how minor.  This friend knows who and what I am and, I believe, was perfectly honest with me in his response.  He said that he never had, except for inadvertent "touching hands", which I found really, really interesting.  He is so completely straight that he would consider intentionally touching another guy's hand to be tantamount to a sexual act.

All of which leaves me perplexed.  Of course it's anecdotal.  My "research" involved two people and hardly represented an application of the scientific method.  Still, I can't reconcile my 14 year old interaction with my peer who I am virtually certain went on to be and live a straight life with the response I received from my buddy this morning.  

I suppose I am looking at it all in too binary a fashion - a hazard that comes with an LDS background.  My upbringing taught me that a thing is one thing or another, right or wrong and, by extension, a person is straight or evil - I mean gay.  Perhaps my 14 year old buddy simply wasn't certain of what he was yet.  Perhaps he just didn't worry about it and knew it was something I liked so he went along.  Maybe he found it pleasurable and a fine substitute until the opportunity with a girl came along.

Not that any of it really matters.  Just something I've been stewing on for a while now.

Do I Take a Chance?

I will be traveling to New England this September.  I am attending a 3 day conference for work, plus visiting a non-competing peer company to see just how its controller does things.  Since travel is being provided by my company, as are three night's accommodations, I've decided to stretch the trip out for another week and do some touring.  I've wanted to hike in Acadia National Park and I'd like to spend at least a day or two in New York City which I haven't visited in a few years.  I'm very excited about the whole thing.

Assuming, of course, that there is a MoHo from our little (and apparently ever shrinking) blog world who is willing to do so when the time comes, do I make an effort at making real, live human contact?  I'm skeptical.  As I explained in a previous post, I am 1-1-1 in meeting folks from the online world, with the one "loss" decidely bad news.

So, anyone care to share an opinion?

All I Can Do Is Sigh

Nice to see my public education tax dollars so effectively spent.

I Like Right Angles When Curves Would Suit Me Better

 I have a confession to make.  The Chrysler K-Cars (Dodge Aries, Plymouth Reliant and - later I think Chrysler LeBaron) came out in 1981.  They were square.  Extremely so.  All right angles and boxes.  And they were the equivalent to my generation of the Ford Taurus to the generation just after mine.  In other words a total nerdy family mobile.  Watch the Breakfast Club.  The ultimate nerd, Anthony Michael Hall, was dropped off at school by his mom in the ultimate nerd mobile, a K-Car.

And I LOVED them.  I made the mistake of admitting it at school and was mocked for it.  

Why does this matter?  Well it doesn't.  Except that I can't figure out how a gay man could favor right angles over the arc and boxes over circles - in other words straight (!!!) - when curves would have really fit me, and served me, better.  That inconsistency explains why my life has been a failure.

A curve or two.  A willingness to not insist on things being perfectly clear and absolutely absolute all the time.  What pain could I have avoided, and avoided causing others, if I would have allowed my mind bend a little.  But, alas, I insisted on being straight

I'm more content with myself now that I drive an Acura TSX.  It makes the curves kind of fun.  Much more so than a K-Car, which just liked boring, straight ahead. 

For the record, I never owned a K-Car.  But I did drive one on my mission.  It was a piece of junk.  Somehow I don't think they will make a Lego set in honor of the K-Car.  But I would still probably buy one if they did.

I'm Done With People - It's Hikes, Books, Beagles & Legos for Me

Just coming off a couple of days full of fresh evidence that, well, people just generally suck.  No, it's not me getting the shaft right now.  It's my brother.  And in an incredibly cruel and painful way.

I've never had my two little beagles hurt me like my brother has been hurt.  I absolutely ache for him right now. My books, my legos, my hikes and my cameras are enough and haven't let me down yet.

Seriously, I'm done with people.

Latest Lego set:

And from my hike this last weekend:

Why I Hate Hate Crime Legislation

I noticed an article from the Huffington Post on the first prosecution under Federal hate crime legislation for actions towards a gay person.  Full disclosure, I didn't make it all the way through the article - way to OCD and impatient for that.  But it did get me thinking about hate crime legislation in general, and the inclusion of homosexuals as a protected class in particular.  I realize that I feel the today the same way I felt when adopting hate crime legislation was all the rage.  I think such laws are bad public policy and harmful to the very class of people they aim to protect.  Further, because I am a staunch believer in free speech and free thought, I do not believe people should be punished for their thoughts, speech or attitudes no matter how repugnant they may be to society in general.

I recall first feeling strong sentiments on this issue while I was attending a free (man do I love free) annual continuing legal education seminar given by my law school.  Like many professions, lawyers in California are required to devote a certain amount of time to continuing education on a periodic basis.  One year, the seminar included a discussion of hate crime legislation.  The police chief of my fair city was a member of the panel for the open forum style session.  When a member of the audience asked why a murder committed against a member of one of the protected classes was any worse than the murder of some other person, the police chief gathered all his brilliance and wisdom and stated that hate crime legislation was good because it was just good and he wasn't going to explain further.  Well, this didn't go over so great in a crowd of people trained for years to analyze, reason and come to a conclusion based on the better argument.  Since then, I have been openly skeptical.

I am opposed to hate crime legislation for the following reasons:

1.  It is always a mistake to punish speech or attitudes.  The beauty of our system is that we have certain enshrined constitutional rights.  Without getting into a constitutional analysis, I think we must be very careful when we attempt to punish, or enhance punishment, based on a person's attitude or words.  Part of protecting freedom for our own unpopular views requires that we protect the freedom of others whose views we find hurtful or offensive.

2.  Singling out any group for special protection in the form of particularized punishment for crimes committed against them merely heightens its "different-ness" from society at large, pushing the group's members further into the category "them" and away from the category "us".  Whether one is gay, a religious minority, black, hispanic, etc., etc., etc., the goal should be to make that distinction not matter within our society.  Hate crime legislation merely widens the gulf between the "protected" group and the society within which it exists.

3.  Hate crime legislation is unnecessary.  As a nation, we already punish a disproportionate slice of our population through our criminal laws.  Have we achieved safety in doing so?  I believe the evidence shows that, relative to other advanced countries, the answer is absolutely not.  And there are already any number of enhancements for the use of weapons, the specific circumstances of the act and the intentions of the person committing the crime.  I recall President Hinckley speaking about a woman who forgave a teenager who seriously injured her when he threw a frozen turkey at her (really).  President Hinckley quoted from an article in which the author noted that "it's the kind of thing that prompts legislators to climb all over each other in a struggle to be the first to introduce a bill that would add enhanced penalties for the use of frozen fowl in the commission of a crime."  Enough already.

4.  Hate crime legislation is misguided.  What we need to do is ensure that existing criminal laws are actually prosecuted equally regardless of who the victim is.  Sadly, this has not been and continues to not be the case.  But the answer isn't to add new laws to our already bloated penal codes.

5.  Enhancing the penalty for committing a criminal act against a member of a protected class cheapens the perceived value of the person who is not a member of such a class, but who suffers from the exact same act.  If the LGBT community is going to insist on equality in marriage, in employment, in the military, and so on, I do not believe it can fairly then ask for inequality in the punishment of crimes.  A murder is a murder is a murder.  Whether one is gay or straight, black or white, Mormon or Muslim, it's still the loss of a life.  And one such life is no more valuable than the other.  One group of loved ones and family suffers no more or any less than the other group.

That's just the way I see it.

Things I'm Not Supposed to Say

Two subjects I've been pondering:

"I can't help being gay - I was born this way".  I do not claim to have originally suggested the following concept, but I rarely see it discussed and have been pondering it much lately:  Does it matter if we are born gay, steered gay by our environment or simply choose to be gay?  I have become more and more convinced that it most certainly does not.  Granted I can think this way in a freer fashion than many because of my agnosticism, very much bordering on atheism.  

But just why exactly do we seem to spend so much time trying to convince ourselves and the straight world that we have no choice in our attractions?  Remove the religious bias against homosexuality, and what remains is pure prejudice.  We don't expend energy explaining away why we like certain books and not others, enjoy some outdoor activities and yawn at other recreation or have a favorite color and find another color hideous. 

I think the focus on proving the "unavoidability" of our sexual preferences sells us short as a community.  It seems to me that we buy into the idea that choosing to be gay would be wrong, while being forced to be gay (meaning we have no agency in the matter) somehow takes the "wrongness" away.  I believe that we do not, in fact, have a choice in our sexuality.  But I'm growing more and more convinced that it doesn't matter.

"Suicide Is Wrong and Proof of Psychological Unbalance."  Bull.  Again, it is probably easier for me to say hogwash to this "truth" because of my lack of belief in God or an afterlife where we will be rewarded for being good and punished for being bad.  But I firmly believe that what most separates us from the other animals that inhabit our planet is one uniquely human characteristic:  We can contemplate life and determine for ourselves how to live it.  And what is more self-determinative than choosing when, where and how to call it quits?  We have no choice in the matter when it comes to our birth, but who the hell's business is it if we decide that we've had enough?

Now I'm not talking about situations where we are struggling through intense and episodic hard times.  Sometimes we do need a little help and perspective to clearly evaluate our situation.  This is certainly the case with children, teenagers and even young adults.  Lacking experience in the vicissitudes of life, young folks often simply have no understanding that "the sun don't shine on the same dog's ass every day" and that working through bad times often means a return to good times.  In fact, a bad stretch can make a good stretch that much the sweeter.  Patience, grasshopper, is the key.

But at some point, don't we all have the inherent right to simply say "enough"?  Is the terminal cancer patient with only a few months of intense pain to look forward unreasonable in deciding to check out sooner rather than later?  Is a 90 year old infirm man with no family or friends left irrational in concluding that ending his life on his own terms is more appealing than the prospect of rotting away unloved and unnoticed in an institution?

I don't think so.  I reflect on my life and find much unappealing, but I also list the things I have that give my life meaning.  For now and the foreseeable future, I find myself interested in sticking around.  There are people to love, long hikes to take, places to see and things to accomplish at work.  There are books to read, pictures to take and beagles to walk.  That is enough.  But if the time comes when I decide that I no longer want to be here, that should be my choice and no one else's business.  And, frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn if the morality police disagree.

Being a Grown Up

Growing up is hard to do.  Maybe someday I'll actually try it.  I turn 44 in a few days so I should probably get started.  I laugh a bit to myself when I realize how different it feels to actually be 44 from what 44 looked like to me when I was 16.  I guess perspective is everything.

Of course, to be "grown up" is more than any one thing or even a small collection of things.  But a large part of it is accepting what and who we are, then making the best of it at any given time.  For most of us, there comes a point in life when we realize that, contrary to the cliched tripe we are constantly fed, we cannot in fact do whatever we want or be whatever we want to be.  

For those of us who are gay and LDS, this eventually means accepting that no matter how hard we pray, no matter how devoted we are to scripture study, no matter how dedicated we are to our callings, we will never be straight.  Once we accept that fact, we can begin to actually grow up and achieve our real potential.  

For some that means staying in the church and living a celibate life.  I frankly don't believe that is the healthiest path, but then I am highly suspicious of the concept that there even is a God.  But for those who make this choice, it seems to me that happiness is only found in embracing their sexual nature, not hating themselves for it and pining away for what will never be.

For those gay folks of LDS heritage who reject Church doctrine, particularly those of us of a "certain age", the challenge is equally daunting, if significantly different.  I can speak from personal experience here.  No matter how much I intellectually know being gay is just a different flavor in the great Baskin-Robbins of life, it's an entirely different thing to go out and do a bit of sampling.  I've written directly on this subject at least once before, and my whining is woven through most of my posts in some form or another.   But that's all that ever happens.  The whining.

If I am to every really grow up, which is to say to become a fully functional adult gay man, I need to go out and try a little dessert.  Being a good friend, a loyal family member and a dedicated and effective (even highly effective) member of my profession isn't enough.  If I am to make the most of what potential and life I have left, there will be no substitute for taking that final step and embracing my sexuality completely.  Will it ever happen?  Your guess, dear reader, is as good as mine.

I've said it before but I'll say it again here.  I admire the generation just behind me.  The 18-30 year old gay LDS who seem so much more at ease and accepting of themselves, whether they have decided that strict adherence to the LDS theology is the way to go or that exploring their inherent sexuality without those constraints is the best path.  I wish that could be me.

A Tale of Two Teens

Once there were two teenage boys.  They were LDS from long-established Mormon lineage.  They were friends.  Even very good friends for some time.  They were part of a large group of LDS friends who went to seminary, school and otherwise spent much of their time together.  One was a couple of years older than the other.  But this was OK because the Mormon group ranged from freshmen to seniors.  That was one of the great things about it - the lowliest freshman had a handful of senior friends, and the senior LDS kids didn't look down on the freshmen.

The two boys came from remarkably similar backgrounds.  Middle class families.  Parents around the same age.  Go to work dads, stay at home moms, with marriages that, in retrospect, were good but infinitely more complicated than either would have supposed in their youth.  Each had a few siblings.  Not huge families, but a number safely within the lower range of LDS respectable.  Both even had fathers who worked for the United States Air Force - one as a commissioned officer and one as a civilian.  Each became an Eagle Scout.  They spent many good times together like camping trips and a 3 week stake-sponsored Eagle Scout trip (back when such things were permitted) to Philmont Scout Ranch.

Now the stories begin to diverge.  Older Friend went on a mission.  He became an assistant to the president.  Returned home, married into a prominent local LDS family and graduated from BYU with a business degree.  Came back to his hometown.  Joined his wife's family business.  Worked his tail off proving (accurately) that he wasn't just the stereotypical son-in-law ne'er do well hire.  Helped expand a successful business into something even more.  Had some kids.  Became a bishop.  Became a stake president.  Became a mission president.  All before 40.  Today he was called as an area authority seventy.

The sun doesn't shine on the same dog's ass every day, and Older Friend has seen his share of troubles and sadness to be sure.  But in every reasonable way, he has lived and continues to live the storybook LDS life.  He personifies the very best of the culture.  Hard working, loyal, kind, helpful.  Excellent father, good brother and son, faithful husband.  Material success - exceptional helpings of this - yet not showy or arrogant in any way.  Beautiful children.  Beautiful wife.  Beautiful life.

For Younger Friend, well, life just didn't work out so swell.  He went on a mission.  Came home with six months to go - so close to finishing but just didn't have it in him.  No confidence in his religion or himself.  Felt all wrong as a missionary, although he made more than a few friends, and certainly didn't regret the experience.  Oh, and he realized he was gay.  Spent years pretending to date and parrying the increasing questions about why he wasn't marrying.  Graduated from college. Went to law school.  Graduated from that.  Became a lawyer, then a partner in his law firm.  Bought a home and a few cars.  Looked pretty successful from the outside with a future that appeared even brighter.  

Well liked at church - mostly anyway.  But still, there was that nagging lack of marriage.  The subject of some talk no doubt.  But he was lucky enough to be in a ward with lots of strange people so there was a live-and-let-live attitude for the most part.  And Younger Friend was pretty gregarious - some might even say a bit charming when he tried.  Put up a good act.

Then it all fell apart for the younger friend.  Made big mistakes.  Caused not a little harm.  Cost him practically everything for which he had worked so hard.  No longer practiced law.  Disfellowshipped from the flock.  Became a pariah.  Ended up about as low as a person can go.  But on the bright side, he finally accepted that he did not believe in his religion, or in any religion or in god.  And he accepted that he was gay.  He became a more authentic person, if no longer a respected one.  He found out who his real friends were too.  The ones who would stick with him when it was no longer convenient.  Not everyone gets to really know that, so he did count himself lucky in that regard.  He even started a blog so he could express his thoughts, if only to himself (judging by the readership!).  

How is it that these two friends who started with such similarities have now ended up in such different places?  Older Friend is, no doubt, a better person who has worked harder.  He certainly hasn't left the trail of broken hearts, disappointments and tears that Younger Friend has.  But that doesn't completely explain it.  No small part of it must be attributable to the vagaries of life.  To chance, as it were.  As House would say, people don't get what they deserve, the just get what they get.  So often that's true.

It's worth saying that Older Friend was there for Younger Friend when it would have been easy to not be.  No one would have thought the less of him if he had walked away politely - or even not so politely.  But he stuck it out and supported Younger Friend, even though by nature Older Friend wasn't really a "let's stay in touch" kind of guy.  He went way above and beyond the call.  Which is why Older Friend will be an excellent addition to the Church's upper leadership ranks.  Younger Friend is confident that Older Friend's path will not end at area authority seventy.  No, Older Friend is destined for bigger things.

So, that's where they are today.  Older Friend and Younger Friend see each other only occasionally now.  Older friend still cares but is busy with life.  And although Older Friend denies it, Younger Friend thinks that Younger Friend's agnosticism (bordering on atheism - but he's still to much of a chicken to fully commit) troubles Older Friend and makes it somewhat difficult for Older Friend to talk to Younger Friend.  But Younger Friend still feels friendship, even love, from Older Friend and is sure Older Friend will be sad when the end of Younger Friend's days arrive.  Younger Friend is fortunate to count Older Friend among his good friends.

Life is funny.  And perplexing.  And random in so many ways.  To the extent he even thought of it as a child, Younger Friend expected his life to more or less be what Older Friend's is today.  Instead, he is left with a lonely contentment and a determination to live life so long as it offers adequate rewards.  But Younger Friend has no great confidence that those rewards will be sufficient to lead to a long life.  Older Friend on the other hand will, and should, no doubt live a life of pork chops and applesauce surrounded by his wife, his children and his childrens' children.  Older Friend will get what he gets which is looking pretty good, but in this instance it's also what he deserves.

And Younger Friend couldn't be happier for him.

Lego Adventures - For Chedner and GMB

The latest - Sydney Opera House.  Very fun build.  Pardon the hopeless nerdiness.  And, yes, this is how I spent my Saturday night.

I've Always Wondered

I've spent a good part of my life, dating back to my early teens, wondering what it would have been like to have been one of the "beautiful people".  Is it all it's cracked up to be?  Probably not, but it would have been nice to have found out for myself.  To have been someone of significance in this world of ours.  I supposed, however, that I will just have to settle for being me and call it good enough.

Am I Really Gay?

Well for heaven's sake, of course I am.  I find the idea of my personal involvement in any kind of sexual intimacy with a woman repulsive.  In fact when my straight friends (which is to say virtually all of my friends) express their difficulty in imaging how one can be homosexual, I tell them that I feel the same way about sex with a woman as they do about sex with another man.

But I do remember when I was 13, maybe 14, I had a sleep over with a couple of friends.  We ended up alone (ie. no parents or siblings around) and one of them produced a little video entertainment.  VHS was just beginning to become common, and with it arrived a brave new world of pornographic options.  The feature film that evening was a grainy bootleg copy (I asked no questions as to its source - an early adoption of "don't ask, don't tell") involving "Duke", a girl (or two - who can keep track?) and, believe it or not, a cameo by a chicken. No real poultry fornication, just a post-coitus leer at our guest star.  I have no really specific memory of the film, but do recall being aroused.

Flash forward 5 years and I am a senior in high school.  My parents were traveling, as they often did what with me being alone in the house and relatively self sufficient.  One of my 18 year old buddies was actually willing to rent a porn, and could amazingly keep a straight face doing so.  Our entertainment procured and my parents gone, it was a "guys night" at my place.  Probably 6 or 7 friends (all of them LDS - hopefully you my kind readers find that a amusing as I do) came a runnin'.  Of course the "renter" and I had to preview the movie which I remember involved two guys and one gal - this I remember clearly because I was very much surprised by some, errr, "activities" I would have never before supposed were possible.  Again, I became aroused during the preview and excused myself to use the restroom, which my more wordly friend immediately saw through as indicated by the comments he was yelling upstairs.

So, in both of these instances I was aroused.  Both instances involved a female (multiple females perhaps).  Of course both instances also involved males.  And perhaps if lesbian porn without any male participation was involved, I would not have found it to my liking.  I can honestly say I'd never even thought about it until recently, some 25-30 years later.  But having reflected on it, I have a very hard time reconciling these events with what I know about myself today.  Perhaps sexuality really isn't so narrowly and precisely defined for us as we would believe, or others would have us believe.

Meeting Other Bloggers - A Mistake?

To my way of thinking, one of the great virtues of blogging is the ability to remain anonymous.  Now, it's no great secret that I'm gay.  There are people who don't know, but most important people in my life do and I wouldn't really care if other people found out.  I'm indifferent because I just don't feel any compulsion to discuss my sexuality with those around me.

Still, I do like being able to be frank, even blunt, on my blog and know that very few people who read it have any idea who I am.  I have two non-moho friends who I have shared the site with, as well as my old stake president (believe it or not).  In addition, there is a former moho blogger who grew up in my neck of the woods.  He is a good 20 years younger than me, but figured out who I am because he's very intelligent and I probably reveal a little too much if I really, really wanted to stay anonymous.  Finally, a sister missionary from my long ago days in Quebec, Canada also figured it out by sheer chance. That's pretty much it.

Except for three exceptions to my general rule about staying "in the closet" so to speak where my blog is concerned.  The first was an unqualified success and I've gained a great friend out of it.  I met up with Miguel (aka Public Loneliness in his more shy days) in Utah a couple of years ago.  We immediately clicked.  I was out seeing some old friends and thought I'd give it a chance.  I picked Miguel because we are about the same age and I thought it would be fun to have a little closer, more open relationship with someone who had a similar context to life.  He is a great guy, we exchange texts regularly and I make it a point to see  him whenever I am in Utah.  I always tell me buddies that I need a "gay day" to go see my moho pal.  Strictly platonic, by the way.  I totally lucked out.  

The second exception will remain nameless.  I was traveling for business and happened to be near where he lived.  So we got together for dinner.  It was pleasant and friendly.  I am glad we met in person.  But it didn't develop into a friendship, and I'm a friendship kind of guy.  I have a hard time with simply being a casual acquaintence with people.  So I would put this moho blogger meet up in the indifferent category.  Nice guy, good experience but just short of satisfying for me.  Please don't be offended if you are reading this!

This brings me to the last experience. Which was a disaster.  I had been a regular reader of a blog that wasn't listed on the moho directory for whatever reason.  And I don't remember how I came across his blog.  But it was really interesting and we exchanged comments on his posts.  That led to a few exchanged e-mails.  And I thought we became friends.  So, I suggested that we meet for lunch when I was in Utah last Spring.  We did, I thought it went well with me doing all the talking - nothing new there - and a hug goodbye.

Then I never heard from him again.  Now he's in his early 20s, so I worry that I'm the "creepy old man" to him.  And even the hug goodbye was my idea.  I recall that right after we parted company, it occurred to me that it might have made him feel uncomfortable, so I sent him a text to reassure him that it was a friendly type of affection and nothing more.  The result?  No response to that text or a couple of follow up e-mails I sent.  So, I just let it be.  No more blog posts.  And then his blog was eventually removed.

What to make of it?  Well, I will never know for sure, but it does seem to be way more than a coincidence that what had been a friendly, chatty banter completely ends without so much as a goodbye immediately after our one and only in person meeting.  I feel bad because I really enjoyed his blog and our exchanges.  I could have just left well enough alone and not pursued that in person meet.  Perhaps I would still have my blog/e-mail pen pal and would be enjoying his posts today.  In any event, I wish him well.  He's a bright guy with a great future from what I can tell and I'm sure he will succeed in life.

So, I think it will be a long while before I consider an in person meeting with anyone I know from the blog world.  Maybe what I should take from all of this is that there is the real world and the blog world.  Both serve good and useful purposes for me.  I can have meaningful, if very different, relationships in both worlds.  And those two worlds should never mix.  Perhaps that's it.