Turns Out, I Really Am A Jerk

So, I've discovered I'm really not that swell of a fellow after all.  Funny how that works.  It's like listening to missionary homecoming talks (are those even allowed now?).  I do not remember one single talk where the conquering hero came home and told his ward that he spent his entire mission screwing around and avoiding work whenever he could get away with it.  Those of us who served missions can verify that at any one time there are a significant number of missionaries in our missions who fit that bill.  Yet amazingly everyone comes home and tells tales of hard work and spiritual growth.  Screw around? Me?  Of course not, that was that other guy.

Back to me, which is where the focus should be.  My blog and all that, after all.

I've always thought of myself as a pretty nice guy.  A rough edge here or there, but pretty damn nice overall.  A recent experience has given me pause.  I left work to pick up a piece of office decor I had had framed.  Having been told the establishment was open until 6:00 p.m., I jumped in my truck around 4:45 and fought rush hour traffic for half an hour, arriving at 5:20.  Plenty of time.  Or so I thought.

When I arrived, I found a sign on the door reading "Closed at 5:15 tonight - Sorry for the inconvenience."  Needless to say I was ticked.  I had been trying for about two weeks to escape the office a little early to finally pick up the art, only to have missed the early close by 5 minutes.  So, I called and left a, shall we say, unkind message on the answering machine.  Even as I dialed the number, I thought to myself "wait and see" because perhaps there was an emergency.  But I needed to sate my righteous indignation.  You can all see this coming, right?

Sure enough, the next day I got a call saying that the owner's brother had suffered a stroke.  D'oh.  It really sucks to discover that you're a jerk.

And a materialistic jerk at that.  I just received my iPhone 4S.  I am in love.  I am enthralled.  I know not how I survived using a sad little iPhone 3GS.  I feel like Gollum:  "I loves it - my precious."

The Role of "Sex" in HomoSEXuality

I mentioned it before.  I feel a longing for physical intimacy.  A longing that has yet to be fulfilled.  I've pondered countless numbers of ways to satisfy this longing.  I've looked at personal ads on Craigslist, considered initiating social interactions at the local Gay & Lesbian Center and even thought perhaps I might use a paid online match site.  For various reasons, most of which center on the fact that I am at core a lazy coward, I've have yet to pursue any of the options.

But, as per usual with me, I've done a lot of thinking on the subject.  A part of my hesitation comes from the fact that I can't quite shake a lifetime of conditioning to think of sexual intimacy as "sacred" and "only appropriate within approved marital relationships."  Although I have come to grips with the concept that that position is opinion based on a specific social and religious structure, rather than a self-evident universal truth, it's probably unrealistic to think it won't color my outlook for the rest of my life.

But I also hesitate because, on a fundamental personal level and even in the absence of belief in a reward/punishment system created by a god, I do believe that the act of sex should not be the equivalent of eating a Snickers because they both satisfy.  So, while I don't believe in the "sacredness" of sex, I do give it a significance beyond what I assign to, say, a midnight trip to Dairy Queen (no pun intended) for a Blizzard.  Even though I do love Blizzards and may even think of them as sacred.  Anyway...

What, then, does sex mean to me and how do I meet this most fundamental desire?  I've reached the following conclusions:

1.  Sexual intimacy isn't some exalted, sacred activity that must only occur according to a set of rigid rules in narrow, prescribed circumstances. 

2.  On the other hand, I also believe that sexual intimacy has an importance and depth beyond that associated with just the everyday experiences of life.  

3.  For sexual intimacy to maintain its place as in life as a singularly meaningful experience, it cannot be treated as casually as life's other daily activities.  

4.  Sexual encounters do not have to be reserved for only those to whom we plan to make a long term commitment, but they should not be so casual as to forget that one's partner is not simply an object of pleasure. 

5.  An evening of love making can and should involve respect and caring, even if it doesn't require some kind of long term pledge.

The how to satisfy my longings in light of the above is the most difficult part.  I am tempted to go the Craigslist route, at least for the first time.  After that first experience, I might feel more relaxed to explore other horizons.  Of course, there's the safety concerns and the difficulty of finding someone I would be comfortable with.  I find the vast majority of personal ads crude, offensive and, frankly, downright silly.  Maybe I will find someone else who thinks the same way and we can share a special experience.  And maybe pigs will fly too, over the rainbow and through snowballs in Hell.

A Word on Separateness and Gay Marriage

One of the most reasonable and logical arguments against gay marriage asserts that if civil unions provide all the same rights and obligations as marriage, it matters not if marriages between homosexual couples are recognized.  On its face, this seems to be a rational, cogent and supportable argument. 

Except words and labels matter.  Two things can be functionally equivalent and yet the way they are labelled and viewed by society makes them inherently different.  And we have been down this road before my friends.

In the 1954 decision of the United States Supreme Court in Brown v. Board of Education of Topeka (No. 1) 347 US 483, the unanimous decision of the Court addressed this very question in the context of separate education facilities for black and white children which were, based on lower court findings, apparently "equal", or close to becoming equal, in the sense that buildings, curricula, teacher salaries and qualifications were roughly equivalent. 

The Court, however, felt this alone wasn't sufficient to provide equal protection of the laws required by the Fourteenth Amendment to the Constitution.  The Court concluded (again unanimously) that the equality of the tangible aspects of the education the black children were receiving simply wasn't enough.  The Court stated that:

To separate [the children] from others of similar age and qualifications solely because of their race generates a feeling of inferiority as to their status in the community that may affect their hearts and minds in a way unlikely ever to be undone ... The impact is greater when it has the sanction of the law, for the policy of separating the races is usually interpreted as denoting the inferiority of the negro group ...  Separate educational facilities are inherently unequal.  347 US 483, 494-495 (emphasis added).

Many will no doubt draw distinctions between race and sexual orientation, especially those who believe homosexuality is a "choice".  Others will say that children are a unique group particularly sensitive to and affected by social stigma, which of course ignores the impact of persistent and systemic government-endorsed discrimination against homosexuals on children's attitudes.

But Brown clearly stands for the proposition that, under the United States Constitution, the fact that two things are equivalent as a practical matter changes not one whit the conclusion that the government recognition and endorsement of their separateness in and of itself is unconstitutional.

Words matter.  Labels make a difference.  No matter how equivalent civil unions are made in a functional sense, as long as government recognition of homosexual couples is separate from its recognition of heterosexual couples, homosexuals will be denied the equal protection of the laws.

Not that I would be getting married any time soon.  But I'm just saying...

Just Not That Into It

I've never really been social.  It's not so much that I think I'm really all that awkward.  I can make conversation and even become animated, interested, even interesting at times.  However, given the choice between (A) going to a dance or party with a big mass of people, and (B) staying home on the couch and curling up with a good book or watching a movie, I would always choose B.  

I'm fine one-on-one.  I'm fine in large groups where I am the speaker or in control of the room.  But I'm not much for chit chat and never cared for large crowds.  They just make me tired.  Perfect example:  I absolutely HATE Las Vegas.  Or I should say the strip part of Las Vegas.  Crowded with loud, sweaty, obnoxious people and little old ladies snapping and then handing cards to you advertising establishments of, how shall I say it, ill repute.  Not for me.

I do get that some people, even many people, are really into big crowds.  That they feed off of the energy and are just naturally extroverted and seek a good time.  But that isn't who I am at all.  Making myself do it, which I have from time to time, is not the same as enjoying it.

I don't think there's anything wrong with how I feel.  It just is.  But there is definitely a downside.  Because I don't venture to places with big crowds, it's hard to meet someone and create the intimate, one-on-one type of opportunities that I do enjoy.  Being gay makes it especially difficult because the world of possibilities is so narrow.  The odds of meeting someone at work or at a bookstore or wherever quiet, non-partiers like me go is that much harder.  

My straight friends can generally assume that the objects of their interest are heterosexual.  Said objects may not reciprocate such interest, but that would be because they don't find their pursuer interesting, not that they don't find his gender as a group unappealing.  Not so for me.  I operate on the assumption that the other person is not attracted to men as a rule.

What to do then?  Well, I could go to a gay, or gayish, bar.  There's a lovely one right here in town, so I am told.  Or I could toddle off to the Lambda Center or whatever it's called.  Yup, one of those here too.  I'm in luck!  Except...Well here we are right back at the beginning.  Those places involve crowds.

I jokingly referred to the idea of a personal ad in my last post.  But I'm actually seriously considering it.    A nice quiet evening involving dinner, a movie and the loss of my virginity really is appealing.

Either that or find a nice, gay crowd.  Eeeck.