I'm stressed. I don't know how to prove that this business isn't a marginal one when I can't even afford to pay myself, much less hire employees. Finances are getting low but sales are not increasing fast enough. In terms of brand / company growth, I would say things are moving along well - the brand is gaining good exposure, I've made new customers and increased my retailer list, but, realistically, in terms of revenue, no - it's no good. The visa renewal deadline is approaching.

I'm stressed. Things between G and I are not well. We no longer talk, or go out, the things that tie us together are minor details like dinner and tennis. What else? What else? Where is the love and passion and why can't I find things to say, god damnit. Have I been reduced to just another boring middle-class person. I have - I realized - but damn I've been trying to wreck my brains coming up with interesting conversations and nothing feels right.
I miss him and I miss us and I miss me.

New York

New York is a carnival. A congregation of the filthy rich, the stinking poor, the vain middle-class. The figure of suffering: a black hunched man who's lost both arms, with a makeshift sign over his neck, 'HELP. I NEED MONEY', badly scrawled in green. An Al fresco cafe, freshly puffed skins, slightly pink, having their oversized luxury burgers with prosecco, a calm island in the middle of mid-day traffic. A scruffy white-haired man on the sidewalk preaching God is the only true lawmaker. Does that absolve one of all responsibilities? A misbelief that you are above the law of the men? It's Raskolnikov's Saint Petersburg.

People like myself, taking this all in, feeling sorry for the broken men, but not compelled to actively help them except write about it.

how to gain empathy or the desire and will to really try to understand others? how to become a better human being? you're contented with staying in a bubble working on your personal need, gaining satisfaction with the little work that you do, but you still haven't really lived. nothing is at stake and you're happy with the way things are and don't wish to disrupt the flow and order of your current situation. but have you grown? can you handle uncomfortable situations? can you handle being around someone like him where everything is done with meaning and imperative?

2017

2017 has been good. I worked tirelessly on the business, acquired a few retail accounts, a few more customers and sales, increased the brand outreach - it's been a pretty slow climb and the sales figures are pretty meagre, but it's a year of trial and error, and I think I'm on the right track. 2017 - I moved to Seattle, for real. Received my E2 visa at the end of June, packed and settled into our apartment in August. The uphill struggle will be finding ways to reduce expenses, achieve targeted sales goals, pay myself, hire help - finding ways to sustain this little business. Properly lived with G, and reached many points in time when I should have just given up and moved out. I should, I don't have the guts for that yet. The comfort of being in a safe home environment is too dear to me for now. Totally wrong reasons for staying together, and one day I will become a stronger and more confident person. Many things to improve on. Language and communication skills. Analytical skills. Take better care of my health and my body. Learning to divide home and work, learning to see my environment, to care more about things and people around me. Not to be callous, not to be holed up in a bubble, not to take things for granted. I no longer wish to accept rude and harsh remarks unless they push me forward; we move at different paces, and if we can't compromise, then we should simply separate. If you feel that not only do I not have any positive influence on you, I hold you back or slow you down intellectually and in public, then we should simply separate.

a combination of laziness, complacency and self-deception

How does the dog know that, despite her mask of indifference, she fears him? The answer: because she gives off the smell of fear, because she cannot hide it. Every time the dog comes hurtling toward her, a chill runs down her back and a pulse of odor leaves her skin, an odor that the dog picks up at once. It sends him into ecstasies of rage, this whiff of fear coming off the being on the other side of the gate.

She fears him, and he knows it. Twice a day he can look forward to it: the passage of this being who is in fear of him, who cannot mask her fear, who gives off the smell of fear as a bitch gives off the smell of sex.

- The Dog, J.M Coetzeee  https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2017/12/04/the-dog

a certain queasiness bubbling underneath the surface
stone dry heart and ugly thoughts
as if all those years of listening silently and patiently
have allowed your negativity to permeate my cells

New York City

There is a pulse that beats. A noisy, grimy, endless scratching on the surface. Steel, bricks, concrete, worn and tarnished. Even the most polished dapper has a certain grit about him. An intersection of rats and humans and trash and objects waiting to be consumed. A life that keeps moving regardless. Is it comforting to know that everyone is just trying to stay afloat? Each time I come back, I think I might know the city a little better. I don't and there's the appeal of New York. It sucks you in and spits you right back out.