you can no longer indulge in the fantasy.

Kate Tempest / Europe is Lost

Europe is lost, America lost, London lost
Still we are clamouring victory
All that is meaningless rules
We have learned nothing from history
The people are dead in their lifetimes
Dazed in the shine of the streets
But look how the traffic's still moving
System’s too slick to stop working
Business is good, and there’s bands every night in the pubs
And there’s two for one drinks in the clubs
And we scrubbed up well
Washed off the work and the stress
And now all we want’s some excess
Better yet; a night to remember that we’ll soon forget
All of the blood that was bled for these cities to grow
All of the bodies that fell
The roots that were dug from the earth
So these games could be played
My very language is tainted
With all that we stole to replace it with this
I am quiet, feeling the onset of riot
Riots are tiny though, systems are huge
Traffic keeps moving, proving there’s nothing to do
'Cause it’s big business, baby, and its smile is hideous
Top down violence, a structural viciousness
Your kids are dosed up on medical sedatives
But don’t worry bout that, man, worry 'bout terrorists
The water level's rising! The water level's rising!
The animals, the elephants, the polar bears are dying!
Stop crying, start buying, but what about the oil spill?
Shh, no one likes a party pooping spoil sport
Massacres, massacres, massacres/new shoes

I'm crying, I'm not behaving well, being uncool and childish. I'm crying because I've realized how completely over this relationship is. We can't communicate, the dynamics are tense and unbalanced, you no longer care enough to share your thoughts, in general you no longer have a positive impression of me. I am out of my depth when around you. I came to you this morning excitedly with a new idea, like a child seeking for approval perhaps, but also hopeful that I finally had something interesting that I really wanted to share with you. It's neither sad nor bad. It just is. You've developed and grown, and I haven't quite grown yet; the things that used to bind us no longer do. I'm crying because of my ego, my own personal desires, for the good ol' memories and the connection we used to have.

Seattle 21/2 - 3/5

So. Back in Singapore again. My sense of time and space and reality is confused and distorted from this shuffling back and forth between places. Each time I land in Singapore, Seattle feels like a distant dream of which I am not sure when I can successfully return to again. Dear God, I long for clarity and focus. Please guide us, please guide this relationship, even if it is failing because of me, please.


21/2: Arrived in Seattle nervous and afraid; between us, things are estranged, cold, forced and civil. Are we staying together for the sake of convenience, or is it because, as he puts it, he doesn't want to leave me in the lurch. We get back into routine, grocery shopping, dinner planning, G quits smoking, works on his marathon training, and I get back to my studio.

27/2: A quiet, lovely birthday celebration at Salty's where we feast on crabs.

2/3: Trunk show at Clementines was a success! The show was possibly one of my proudest achievements since starting the business. Can't thank Linda enough for it, for giving me a chance to present my work and test out her customer base.

12/3 - 20/3: G and I go to Los Angeles. What a great trip. 13/3 - 15/3 was the Brand Assembly where I had to swallow a hard pill in my first trade show. Did not manage to obtain any new customers or sales, but learnt a lot in terms of pricing, presentation, showroom and market research. Still a newbie, without a doubt. G had his marathon and a bummer that I misread the tracking updates and missed him at the 7 mile point. Caught him towards the end, and couldn't be more proud of him! How far he has come, not just with the marathon, but with life and his personal development -- I've never met a better human being than G. Met up with his parents (was definitely nervous about it), and I'm thankful (on G's behalf) that they showed up to support him. Took a nice, long train trip from LA to Seattle.

4/4 - 5/4: Took a bus ride down to Portland. G got to work, and I to the boutiques to introduce the label. Not sure how much of a success that was - it is a slow process and constant re-tweaking and re-working of my marketing strategy. Met up with G to watch a film about James Baldwin (I'm not your Negro). Got up bright and sprightly at 5 the next morning to catch the bus to Salem. What a lame town. We spent many hours walking about, not doing much, but just talking and watching time slowly tick by till the next bus ride back to Portland/Seattle.

April: Watched a baseball game at Safeco. Watched a soccer game at Century Link. Took a short trip to NYC to visit Jean and the kids; made my round of boutiques. Celebrated Orion's birthday, got to finally meet Anais. Couldn't be more relieved to be back in Seattle - a breath of real fresh air from their family chaos. G went to Salt Lake City for his marathon, and again, I couldn't be more happy for him with his new improved timing and his goals attained. It was a good break from him and to have the entire apartment to myself. :) And it was a good homecoming (I hope); was thrilled to see him walk through the door and hold him again.

30/4: Inscape Open Studios was a blast! I haven't enjoyed myself so thoroughly talking to random strangers and welcoming people to the studio.

2/5: Popped up to Woodinville to visit the wineries. The branding of Woodinville as Washington's Wine County is misleading because there are no vineyards up in Woodinville. It was still an eye-opener and our good fortune to be able to take a tour at the St Michelle winery, learn a little more, and taste some free wine.

G has to dumb himself down to communicate with me because I can't keep up with him. He can't share as much as he would like to with me because I can't keep up, and because he believes that I subconsciously absorbs that information and presents it as though it was my original idea. I am still working on that; I believe it is more of my communication skills rather than my 'stealing' skills. At the same time, while I understand why he is so defensive about it, I don't share the same possessiveness or care of information. We all know ideas leak through different sources - a catch word/phrase gets into people's mouth - gets distilled, turned around and gets formed into new ideas - and that goes the same for G. If I had to point out, the use of 'hostile' in describing an environment was first presented by me to him in Los Angeles. But I know that I didn't come up with that concept; it was from an article that I read. My point being that whatever you think you came up with as original or interesting or visionary, it really isn't. It becomes a matter of the ego, and who presented it first. Who has the right to say, 'that's my idea'.

A tight knot in my heart and guts. I don't know how our relationship will progress or if we have arrived at a dead end.