Every time I think about this visa situation, I get nervous and panicky. I don't think G understands how stressed out I am over this. What do I have to lose? I lose: my current travel rights which, at the moment, are really fantastic. I lose: the ability to continue the business here, especially now that I have started it and have been working continuously on it, making contacts and connections, investing a substantial amount into it. I lose: perhaps a relationship that means so much to me. It seems to me that the chances of obtaining it based on my current investment amount, are low. I've been trying to raise the amount, to fix the business plan, to try to set things right, but I don't know if I can do it on my own, if this is the right thing to do, if I'm simply building sandcastles in the air.

Then again, we had another argument. I have all the advantages in the world, I haven't had to really fight or struggle to come to this current point, why do I keep playing the insecure victimized role? Why does he always have to take the lead, be the 'bad one', be the 'boyfriend', the 'mentor', the 'brother' etc? I absorb all the negative - thief, brat, insecure, self-centred, narrow-minded etc - and it blocks my head from staying open and communicative. What is wrong with me? This isn't healthy. It's not fair to him. How can I become myself in front of him again? Or am I too, too much of myself? it's been a somewhat mind-boggling, mind-numbing, solipsistic state. How can I become a better person? How can I keep developing as a person?

enough with the 'me' attitude. you can do much, much better than this.

march 2017. hard truths to swallow,  bad habits to get rid of, grow up.