It's his sister's death anniversary today. I remember that very moment when it happened, when his step-dad called, and he broke off abruptly, and immediately I felt that sinking, nervous feeling that something tragic had happened, and it had. his sister, his source of light and hope, the only person whom he loved unconditionally, as he told me a few months later. I have never met her but I have heard so much about her through him, the enthusiastic and concerned older brother. Her photo lies above the kitchen table and I wish I knew more still, I wish he would share more about her with me.

Despite all our years of talking, I still can't empathize and truly understand him. I think I do - I just haven't found a way to properly process and communicate it. I didn't understand his grief back then. And even now, I often forget the struggles he has been through even though I lived through them, through him. I am a selfish person - thinking always about how he shuts me out when I've always tried so hard to reach out him. How often I've misunderstood him, misinterpreted his outbursts, miscommunicated my thoughts. He's there but I don't see or hear him. Is it too late?

Resolutions!

1. Read more, write more

I am an English Literature graduate, but I have neglected the two things that formed the core of my education. Of late, my analytical and communication skills have greatly deteriorated. I have been having troubles trying to string my thoughts in a critical and coherent manner. Writing helps me to clarify my thoughts, and it will also definitely improve my English language skills!

2. Learn to be more decisive

This is a problem that I've always faced, and it's probably because of my upbringing where I've never really had to make that many decisions. Now that I'm on my own, there really isn't time for me to wait for things to happen. There isn't a corporation to hold me up / down and dictate my next move. Keep pushing forward, learn from your mistakes (but don't spend to much time mulling over the little things), and keep working at it!

3. Create a good working schedule

Days and nights flow into each other, and I seem to be either on 'work' mode continuously, or would suddenly throw in the towel, ignore emails, and sleep for days. There should be a clearer divide of space and time so that I don't end up muddle-headed. Create schedules and deadlines, stick to them, separate bedroom/workroom, having 'fixed' 9 - 5 days.

4. Be more present, conscious and empathetic

This is as difficult as #2. I tend to shut myself up in a little bubble and forget the presence of others around me. Be aware of your surroundings - train yourself to See the people around you, especially the ones whom you care about.

5. Trust your instincts

This is possibly the most challenging, especially when it comes to 'real' life decisions. I lack confidence, I tend to question myself (a little too much), and allow my insecurities to overtake me. I am better than that - I know stuff, I've done stuff, and if I don't know something, I just have to work a little harder to know it. This will ultimately help you to be more decisive!

6. Go the extra mile

This was a timely reminder from Jordanne and Massimo. You can always go a little more for people. Show your appreciation through the things you say and do continually.

7. Take better care of your body

Wash your face better, brush and floss, moisturize, scrub your back more regularly, eat healthier, less caffeine and sugar, and most of all, Exercise.

competition only makes sense when there is an equal playing field - when the players have more or less the same access to the tools and resources necessary to compete. Betsy Devos' chartered school/public school argument is bound to be a failure because competition for top education (can't believe that that should even be a competition) can only be navigated by the middle-class & the wealthy, by the same group of people who already have privileged access to more opportunities. stats show that charter schools do not necessarily fare better than public schools, and that in Michigan, charter schools can continue to operate so long as they remain profitable, with little checks or restrictions to the standards that they provide.

i don't think that anyone who has led a sheltered life (incl. myself) should enter public service! if you were educated in a private school your entire life, and you move primarily in those same social circles with little real experiences or contact, then you definitely should NOT be leading the public.
i also don't believe that anyone whose religious values and beliefs form the core of their thought-process and way of life should enter public service (unless that 'public' privileges religion as a sacred institution). it is dangerous, not to mention regressive, for such people to lead. the 'public' is not a heterogenous mass, and that's a concept that seems to have been disregarded of late.

The Circular Ruins

Borges' 'The Circular Ruins' diffuses the line between fiction and reality, linearity and circularity, creation and destruction. On one hand, it is a parody(?) of the Genesis, on the creation of man (by another man) and a world that he is thrown into - one that belongs to the dreamer, which we as readers can't quite determine if it's also the world that we know of. On the other hand, it is a commentary on the act of writing and how through writing and narrating, a dream becomes concretized and interwoven into reality. Time is linear because there is a sequential time frame for which the man is created; time is circular because at the end of the story, the dreamer realizes that he too, is a figment of another's man imagination, thus bringing the story back to the start when a man decides to create another man.

i wake up every morning only to realize that nothing has been done, no progress has been made. do i have an adequate response? no. in front of you, i've lost confidence. i'm scared to call you, nervous when we do talk, yet i do so wish that we could be like we've always been before - excited, challenged, lots to share, lots to agree and disagree upon. the rubber band snapped, and all that love has suddenly been replaced with tension, futility, frustration, and blankness. i'm having a really hard time, and i keep breaking down.