Since leaving a full-time job, I've been experiencing moments of doubt and thoughts of 'what am I doing?' The effect of leaving a secure, structured environment in order to create your own story is both exciting but also nerve-wrecking, and there is no clear answer. No one owes you an answer, you have to work hard for even the slightest result. 

Since moving to Seattle, I've been wondering if G and I are right for each other. Or rather, if I am right for him. It's a sad question which I fear to probe into; it hurts whenever I reflect on the times when we don't communicate well or get along as we used to.

I've been in Seattle for a month now. I've learnt so much about myself, my weaknesses and fears that stem from my upbringing and my education are apparent. I don't know how to deal with stress. I need a strong structure and fear interruptions (both real and imagined). I am terrible at communication. I have too many insecurities, including my insecurity of bringing happiness to g. I live too much in my own world and own head and fail to be conscious and aware of my surroundings and the people around me. Some days I wonder 'what am I doing?', 'will I return home without having achieved any tangible results (i.e a job or money or something that can be easily assessed)?

I don't want to return back to the state I was - numbed, dazed and lost. I want to stay excited about life and the possibilities it offers. What was I hoping to accomplish when I came to Seattle? I've never really tried to pinpoint it. I thought, a job (somewhere, anywhere, outside of Singapore); I thought, figuring out this relationship (will we be able to stay together for a long time)? Just lots of 'I' in the configuration.

What I have accomplished thus far:
- living with G, and making plans for the future such as leasing a home-studio together. he has really given everything into this relationship.
- meeting with Seattle designers such as Suk and Ruth
- finding part-time work
- applying for a ton of positions, and revising and improving my resume and portfolio each time
- writing a business plan and researching on how to start up a business and discovering more information each time
- researching the Seattle design and NW production scene and digging out little bits and pieces, like a pot of gold
- taking care of myself, taking ownership of our current living standards
- creating a context for myself