i've been thinking and dreaming about you for the last couple of weeks. it's my fault for not being able to comprehend the magnitude of your grief 3 years ago, and the real reason you came back to Amsterdam then. it's my fault for letting you go. i feel like an end is coming. we've waited so long that the wait no longer seems to matter. your face keeps slipping away from my mind even though the memories are still fresh. you keep telling me: stop thinking about what you don't have, but cherish and look at the things you have. his face was right next to mine, and i couldn't see beyond my insecurities, my selfishness - blindness.

The problem with me is that my mind tends to drift away. Sometimes I feel like an outsider watching a story I'm in unfold. I take in my surroundings - the colors, sounds, smells, textures - and -

I've never realized what a huge mistake it can be until this last trip with G. We don't see each other that often so it's an utmost necessity for me to be IN the moment, to even understand that he's right beside me, that this is Our present. I distanced myself from him unknowingly even while I was thinking about how much I wanted to be closer to him.

Italo Calvino 'The Form of Space'

the idea of people falling through space in parallel directions (lines), with the same distance remaining between them - reflects a sort of isolated vacuum each individual occupies and how close/far we can get to connecting with another individual - more interestingly, this line is fluid and can be changed so we could almost imagine ourselves moving closer, but then bear in mind -

'how space breaks up around every cherry tree and every leaf of every bough that moves in the wind, and at every indentation of the edge of every leaf, and also it forms along every vein of the leaf and on the network of veins inside the leaf...all printed in the negative in the dough of the void, so that there is nothing now that does not leave its print, every possible print of every possible thing'

- that space surrounds us, lies in-between us, as if there was a sort of magnetic power that could bring us together and all of a sudden, tear us apart, and that even in writing, a way to give form to space, to self, to human relationships, 'we' elude the words (as if alphabets were matter, like walls and ceilings), winding, unwinding,

'never meeting, just as we never meet in our constant fall...'

an unspeakable state of being alone


*just this evening, i was thinking about how strange (and wonderful) it is to learn about someone else's life, have them share their experiences with you through words and images, another being / body like you who heightens your consciousness and sensibilities, these people who randomly tumble in and out of your lives

Seattle 27/9 - 4/10

We finally met up again after 9 months! My darling G, a good, hardworking, honest and caring man, who has taught and given me so much. We have to fight for every single moment spent together. It's pretty crazy and yet heart-warming to think about how far we've come since we met 3 years ago.

27/9: Arrived in Seattle! G picked me up from the airport and we were like two excited little bumblebees trying to grasp the reality of seeing each other again. Capitol Hill, where we had mexican for dinner, and some drinks. 

28/9: Olympic Sculpture Park for a late morning walk. The air here just feels so fresh and rejuvenating. Tennis! We've talked about playing tennis for the longest time now, and we finally did it! I got thrashed quite miserably (couldn't even put up a good fight, damn). Had some lovely cupcakes and ginger beer. Wholefoods shopping; G made dinner - baked chicken, butternut squash puree, quinoa, and beans. 

29/9: Checked out the EMP museum, took the monorail from Seattle Center to the City (an unsatisfying 1 minute ride that took us to the mall). Walked down to Cafe Bedlam, hung out there for an hour or two. G prepared a quick chicken sandwich dinner. Headed down to the Hugo House (where we missed Open Mic, but got a bunch of other info), Cha Cha Lounge for drinks, and walked down to El Corazon for Total Slackers (we were extremely late, got in for free and managed to catch just 3 songs) who were definitely worth our time. 

30/9: Took the ferry on pier 54 to Bainbridge. A calm, vast expanse of blue. Walked to the Seattle Library designed by Rem Koolhaas. Black Bottle for our first fancy dinner treat (was incredibly good, I can still remember the taste of our dishes). Took a bus up to Central Cinema where we caught Scarface. 

01/10: Went up the Space Needle. G made some chicken soup for lunch. We moved to our new Air BNB place on East Yesler Way. Went to the U-district for some dinner (pizza and ice cream), and caught Nick Cave's 20000 days on Earth at the Grand Illusion Cinema, which was disappointing bullshit. 

02/10: Early morning Tennis! Unfortunately, my knee gave way halfway, and I had to stop. Had pain au chocolat and coffee at this lovely cafe that G had talked about. On our way to the light rail, we met this interesting shop owner with a lovely well-designed shop aimed at the smoker/marijuana scene. Walked around Columbia City, where we had really good Jamaican lunch at this bar/restaurant. Seattle Art Museum (free Thursday night). Seattle dogs for dinner. Back to Christian's place (where we originally stayed), had some delicious scotch, and back home. 

03/10: Fremont! We had lunch at a diner, did the tourist walk - Lenin sculpture, rocket, and the troll under the bridge (great walk though, and it's amazing how close we are to nature in Seattle), vintage store. Gas Works Park was just the best - a beer and some chips - that's all we needed. Went to a lecture by Chinese artist Pan Gongkai at the University of Washington. Lecture was so-so, but the uni campus was just breathtaking! Got a coffee at U-district, headed home to pack. Stopped at Saba, an Ethiopian restaurant, for a perfect last dinner. Light rail to the airport. Goodbye.