we've gone beyond a world where we take pride in the feelings of luxury and exclusivity, where there are fixed market segments, and where your personal creativity is fixed within different creative disciplines. i think we have to look beyond the fashion system that dictate you make 8-40 outfits / collection, and you think, yes this ability to keep reinventing and producing "new" ideas is what makes fashion so exciting, but where do all these clothing go to and is it really necessary - do we even remember what comes before/after? its a system that feeds off our consumeristic desires (even though the only things we largely consume are images and false ideals). 

then i've to ask myself, why i still want to be part of such an industry. i think it's more accurate to say that i'm more interested in the design process, the techniques, the construction, the materials, the thought put behind each item, how they translate into the actual details of the final products, how they fall and drape around a body, and how you can share this through a product but also through a person who would wear and use your products. i've so many ideas which i know i've the ability to execute them, and that they can be accessible to anyone. i want to be able to merge my different strengths so that per collection will not be solely focused on clothing, so that it will not be just to make something quick and easy to sell (anyone can do this without a single thought), but to create a kind of world which is personal to me, but which can also appeal to someone else's world. that was the nicest thing i discovered about my postcard illustrations: they were simple instinctive hand-drawings that reflected me in all ways, but it always made me happy to see others pick a card and identify with the drawings in the card. i want to find a way to express this in clothing design; which usually either comes off as just another item on the rack or as some big statement show.

i'm so sick and tired of being so confused about my life. whether i want to stay / leave, where i want to be, what i want to do etc etc. i know in my heart, that the only things that matter to me right now, are my family and friends, the work i've done thus far and the work that i could still be doing. it may be a little naive to embark on "my own thing" when the "right" thing to do is to find a proper job with a stable income. of course this is necessary, and it is an extreme privilege that i am able to still survive with the help of my family, but i don't know how to explain these feelings of calm, certainty, and immense happiness when i stitch the sweaters, design my own collection. i really believe that i can further develop on this, and what i need to do, is to find a way to make this work-able within my time and budget. 

be quiet, be still. stop creating more trouble for yourself.

positivity -> productivity

1. get rid of negative words/thoughts like "don't..., no, but, hate". they're mostly unnecessary
2. be nicer to mum; be patient and listen without getting defensive
3. stay open and thankful for any opportunities that may come your way
4. create that peace of mind/heart