"Perhaps I knew love. My vagina is still sucking in his penis - the beautiful, solidly grand appendage suspended from his groin. What an implement! I like it, I like everything about it...And, of course, I now find myself filled with awe at the intricacies, or lack of them, involved in this experience. A chance encounter, an intent stare, a hand clasp, a running after, a sitting down, a weird hesitant oral intercourse, a visit, an exploration of bodies, venturing out at dusk, an extended, more intimate conversation, a decision, a stealthy return, and a glorious abandoned life. Glittering life, you contain much that is inexplicable and much that is wonderful. Full of wonder-inducing things for me. The fullness remains in my vaginal passage. A fullness full of awareness, of knowing. A conscious fullness, soothing and compassionate. A fullness that knows and accepts itself."

Feelings and Facts, Yvonne Rainer

i like having my own space because i can disregard the presence of others. and that's one terrible, terrible thing i often do. i have little consideration of others. lately i've been feeling like my flatmate/friend is really cold and distanced from me. i have to practically make her have dinner with me, in some sort of strange attempt to bond with her. later she told me that she has been feeling like she can't trust me because of something i (unthinkingly) said behind her back. and also the little tactless and inconsiderate things i do around the house -

i feel really sad though sort of relieved to finally know what was bothering her. it's really hard to realize that the person whom you've lived with for the past 2 years has been harboring these feelings for so long. what can i say in my defence? absolutely nothing, except that i'm truly sorry and i can only try to be more thoughtful of my words and actions.

2 weeks. g came and left. the touch, the smell, the voice, they fade away, almost instantaneously, leaving only a trace of what was.

i've been existing as a single individual, speaking in "I" instead of "we". i've somehow created my own seclusion and exclusion from the rest of the world, perhaps believing in alone-ness as an ultimate outcome. what am i saying? i feel all sad and down without g.

he gave me the best 26th birthday. i couldn't have asked for more; that sincerity and goodness.